Monday, December 1, 2014

Life in the South as a Jew

Let me tell you something, life in the south as a Jew is rough. Every day truly could be your last. I believe this so much that I upped my life insurance after spending about a month down here and I warned the insurance company that they might be paying that out relatively soon. At first, they laughed, but then I told them I was a Jew living in the south and they ceased their laughing immediately and began telling me how sorry they were. Even my insurance company is taking pity on me. I have truly reached a new low.

You may be asking yourself “Josh, why do you feel this way?” On my way to work, I count six Churches, one Scientology Church, four Biblical billboards, even an embassy for a country that doesn’t even exist and they have a cross, and even the beggars, when you give them money, will pray. Oh, and then there’s the freakin’ gigantic Holy Cross that welcomes everyone to this part of the state. How big is it? From the look of it from afar, it looks bigger than the Sears Tower.* Now I know what they will string me up to if they were ever to find out my secret. And no, I have not told anyone that I am a Jew. 

I don't think this is excessive at all. It's awesome, actually. Effingham, Illinois

My dad even advised me to keep my mouth shut about my religion., and he is the person whose conversations usually go like this:
“Hey, how’s the weather?” Asks the other person. My dad will respond with “Great in Israel, nice to meet you, I am Jewish.” Seriously, everyone knows he’s a Jew. I think he even took out an ad on Craigslist once telling the world of his religion and to make sure to invite him over for Passover and Chanukah if there is any extra matzoh, horseradish and gefilte fish.**

I don’t mean to state that the people of the south don’t like my people, and when I say “my people,” I mean those of us who are Jewish when it is convenient for us but will abandon our religion like college kids at a party that’s getting busted. I am just saying I don’t think they’ve met a nice Jew, or any Jew at all. When people in the north see me and my big nose, dark hair, and the cobwebs that have overtaken my wallet because I refuse to spend a dollar on anything, they immediately scream “Jew!” Not here. I’m pretty sure they all think I go to Church every Sunday and I kiss the Bible before I go to sleep and paint a portrait of Jesus once a week, because that’s what non-Jews do, right?*** 

So what have I done? I have done everything I can to hide my true religious identity. I have told people I have conversations with Jesus, I have recited Bible verses that I got from Google and Wikipedia, told them I have tons of experience buying Christmas trees and I know what a Mistletoe**** is. When someone mentioned the Jewish new year, I responded “ha, weird that those people have a crazy New Year that doesn’t match up with ours, they really need to get in line with the rest of us.” I don’t tell them that what I really do at Christmas is cry because everyone else is having the time of their lives and I’m at home trapped in Wikipedia for hours because it is so addicting. Am I overcompensating? Of course I am! What else can I do?

Is he cheating? Seriously, someone tell me, I have no idea.  But man, that does look like fun., if not a little inappropriate.
So, if for whatever reason I stop responding to comments on 6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get In Your Pants, be suspicious, be very suspicious, because it might just mean they found out my secret and got to me. Wish me luck,

*Ahem, excuse me, did I say that? I meant the Willis Tower.

** Those last two, by the way, absolutely disgusting. I would strongly consider making out with a girl who had just smoked a pack of cigarettes as opposed to eating either horseradish or gefilte fish. Ick. Ugh. Disgusting. Did I mention those are both awful tasting foods? Good. 

*** Seriously, please tell me, because I have no idea what you people do.

****Please, someone explain the point of the mistletoe to me. Non-Jews get together, stand under the mistletoe, and make out with each other? Are you people that promiscuous? Notice how there is no Jewish equivalent where people make out under the Menorah.

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