Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Rock Concerts Are Scary

What is it about rock* shows that gathers up seemingly every single woman in the world who could realistically beat me up? Seriously, it’s as if the advertisement for the concert always says “can you kick the crap out of a 5"9 Jew? Great! Then we want you! Dress up in all black clothes and meet us there at 8:00!” Anyway, I must point out some other strange goings on at rock concerts that keep me up at night:


What is it about rock concerts that makes everyone think it’s a nude beach? Seriously. There are sweaty men without shirts and pants walking around looking touch and disoriented. What exactly happened to their clothes? Who is holding them?
And then there are the women. Women, why at these rock concerts are you all essentially wearing bras and short shorts? I get it, it’s hot, but come on, at least wear a legitimate shirt. And no, tank tops don’t count. I have one theory as to where all of the clothes go...

Stuff Flying Around Wildly

If it’s a rock concert, you know stuff is going to be flying around. Shoes might hit you. An alcoholic beverage could be dumped on your head. Heck, the bands themselves are not immune to this. I have seen band members hit with projectiles more than once. Although some take it better than others:

Never Fear! The Vampires Are Here!

Kristen Stewart does seem like the rocker girl-type. Apparently, the girls who show up to rock concerts have taken note from the Twilight star. Everywhere you turn, it’s as if guys, likely close to naked, are sinking their teeth into their girlfriends. What is going on here? And why have I seen more necking, biting, and groping at a rock concert than I would at a high school dance? Is this not America? Something is clearly wrong. Keep your kinky foreplay to yourself. Some of us have virgin eyes.

Other Shenanigans

Crowd surfing. Now there’s a good idea. Let’s grab a girl, and throw her on top of a bunch of people and hope her face doesn’t hit the floor. Hopefully her wallet, shoes, and clothes come back with her and haven’t been stolen by a clepto crowd.
Flashing is another genius move. A bunch of drunk girls running around and baring all to everyone. It's as if they think we've never seen a boob before. What is this, a slumber party?** Are we going to play truth or dare or “Never Have I Ever” after the show is over?
The Incredible Screaming Chick is another annoyance. Every rock concert has that one girl who screams every three seconds. No one knows why. Maybe her boyfriend is sinking his teeth into her too aggressively?

So there you have it. A variety of unexplainable phenomena that occur at rock concerts. I’m sure there is some explanation for why these things occur, but heck if I know. And if you hated this post, please don’t throw a rock at the back of my head. I have feelings.

* In this case, I mean “rock show” as in rock music, not a display of all your Dad’s old pet rocks or rare rocks.

** Uh...not that I would know what happens at a slumber party. But I have read a magazine or two. Do pillow fights actually happen?

1 comment:

  1. No, pillow fights are lies spread by the government as to destroy comparison between girl and boy sleep overs. Boy sleep overs smell like farts.