Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What Guys Don't Want in a Woman

Women, you have it rough. It seems as if everyday, the media is blasting you guys with what guys supposedly want. I have either some great news or horrible news*, the media has no freakin’ clue what guys want in a woman. Speaking as a guy, we would love for all of you women out there to stop focusing on becoming these things and actually be what we really want. Let’s break down a few of these myths that the world has given to women about what men want:

1. The Blonde Barbie Doll

Every single commercial and a wide variety of shows and movies have that Blonde Barbie doll character. You know who I mean. She’s essentially a real-life Barbie doll. Blonde, thin, tall with long legs, and she has bigger boobs than she should have. Newsflash: Most guys don’t want this girl. How do I know? First, I am a guy, and I have absolutely no interest in such a girl. Next, I have polled guys throughout the years and most of us don’t want a tall blonde who looks like Barbie. Yet, I hear from countless women how “beautiful” those Barbies are. My question: to who? Wonder why Ken is married to Barbie? I can’t imagine many other guys wanted her. So she is stuck with a man more feminine than her.**

I don't know about you, but "real-life" Barbie doll looks really, really scary to me. If we met in an alley, I would give her all of my money and run.

2. The Rail-Thin Woman
Keira Knightley would be just fine putting on 10-20 pounds.

Why does it seem like every woman on television and/or the movies weighs less than 110 lbs? All of these women are incredibly thin. I feel like if I hug some of these women, they’ll break in my arms from fragility. Most guys appreciate a curvier woman. Your figure shouldn’t be a rail-esque. The irony is, most of these women who go on crash diets are not only torpedoing their health, they’re also making themselves less attractive to men! Freakin’ media.

3. Young and Dumb

She is really awesome. Seriously.

Let’s talk Jersey Shore. It was awesome while it lasted, right? But man, were some of the women, including my secret crush Snooki, dumb. When they went to Italy, she thought she needed Pesos*** to buy stuff. She then proceeded to crash into a police car. It’s like all women have to be dumb to get a guy on television these days. In truth, if all you’re going for is a bed buddy, then hey, pretend to be as dumb as Snooki...but not Deena. If you want a guy who respects you and wants a relationship, intelligence and knowledge is hot. Seriously. When women “dumb themselves down” or do that annoying laugh at a guy’s bad jokes, it’s actually working against them.

4. Accessories and Clothes

At the Oscar’s, everyone always asks about the dresses. Guys couldn’t care less. We see women with fancy purses, clothes, manicures, and pedicures, and once again, guys couldn’t care less. When you chip a nail, we’ll never know. We don’t care. You do all of that stuff to impress your girl friends. Want to guess what guys think of all these fancy mascaras, eyeliners, and all other make-up? Right! We don’t care at all. If your goal is to make Stacy from your biology class jealous, then go for all of these extras, if it’s to get a guy, then your efforts are being wasted.
I don't know whether this a good or bad manicure. All I know is, I don't freakin' care.

So, guys and girls, what did I get right and what did get wrong or forget to add?

* It’s great if you haven’t fallen prey to what the media says we want, and it’s horrible if you have and if you’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours attempting to become that kind of woman. In all likelihood, I imagine what follows is good news for most of you.

** Unnecessarily harsh? Sure. This is not to say some guys don’t want Barbie. Some do. The grand majority don’t. It’s not a cruel joke on behalf of the universe that the majority of girls aren’t Blonde Barbie Dolls. The universe knew what it was doing by putting a bunch of different women out there that guys are actually interested in. It’s the media that doesn’t have a clue.

*** Did she think she was in Mexico or South America? She actually needed Euros...and a new boyfriend, but neither ever happened...sadly.

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