Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Worst Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

Why? Why, women, do you do this? You could have any guy in the world you want, you’re incredibly attractive, and then you go out and do this. You go out and get all of your hair cut off. It’s horrible and it’s spreading like an epidemic. It’s a Haircatastrophe, if I can say that, a.k.a. Hairpocalypse 2013. If this continues, it will truly be the end of the world because there will not be any attractive women left! The Mayans did not prepare us for this. Stop the MADNESS! Ban scissors now. What am I talking about? Well let’s dive in to the tragedy that has unfolded:


Emma Watson

Short Hair. Eeeep!
From: ybs-beauty.com
Long hair, yay! And classy, too.
From: Mirror.co.uk















Emma, all of these problems are your fault. You had the world at your fingertips. You were Hermione in Harry FREAKING Potter. You had money, fame, and all that came with it. Unfortunately, one day you took that ill-fated and life-changing trip to the barber and now you look like my 50-year old Aunt or my brother, I’m not sure which. Your greatest legacy, unfortunately, is telling other women through your actions that this is okay to do. It’s not.


Anne Hathaway

Long-haired Anne, incredibly attractive. Makes me want to watch The Princess Diaries again.
From: dailybeautyandfashion.com


Short hair. Once again, Nooooooo!!!
From: Glamour.com











I hope that Academy Award was worth it, because it’ll take you at least a year or more to regain your attractiveness. Secretly, I have long had a crush on Anne Hathaway. As a kid, I admit that I watched The Princess Diaries 1 and 2, and Ella Enchanted, just to see her. If she was in it, I was buying that DVD. Not anymore. The true tragedy in Les Misérables was Anne cutting her hair. I feel so bad for myself and her husband. I may or may not have cried like a baby after hearing and seeing her new doo.















Charlize Theron

From: commons.wikimedia.org

 
From: hawtcelebs.com
A latecomer to the show, but noteworthy nonetheless. Charlize Theron was once so attractive that women were swooning over her. Seriously. Ask anyone who has watched Snow White and The Huntsman* or any of her other big movies. She was hot. Unfortunately, it was not to last. Charlize recently decided to follow in the footsteps of some other actresses and cut her hair. “What can go wrong?” She probably thought. “Now I won’t have to work so hard to maintain it,” she likely heard. Charlize, you had a good run.


2014 UPDATE:

So, I was right and this trend now continues over a year and a half since this was first posted. Here are another couple of examples of women who have joined the club and cut their hair:

Jennifer Lawrence


From: Wikipedia.org.
From: caughtoffside.com
Much ink has been spilled talking about Jennifer Lawrence's naked pictures that were leaked. Horny teenage boys and men in unsatisfying marriages have spent hours Googling to find those pictures. And no, I have not seen them and I don't plan on looking for them. In any case, this should have been the real story: her haircut. I have heard the story that she wanted to cut it right after The Hunger Games series ended, but still. She should have resisted the urge. It's disappointing, because she seems like a great person with a great personality. Someone who all of us would like to be friends with. I hope she gets through this naked pictures hacking escapade with no emotional damage.

Shailene Woodley


Yes, I like this picture.
From: commons.wikimedia.org
From: wikipedia.org

Six months ago, she would have been unknown to most of you. She wasn't to me. As someone who may or may not have watched the entire first season of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I noticed when her hair disappeared. After starring in The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, pretty much everyone knows of her now. As a new celebrity, what's the first thing you're supposed to do? To the hair salon! Obviously. Grrs.

Miley Cyrus


From: pinterest.com
From: digitalspy.com
In fairness, it was not just the hair that changed here. More like Miley found drugs and she went down a very dark path. While I never thought she was attractive, well, I definitely don't think she's more attractive now. Does anyone?


Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

From: Herinterest.com
From: handbag.com
I didn't honestly know how much hair mattered until I saw the difference pre and post-hair cut for Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting. Oh, I still love Big Bang Theory, but now I don't think Penny is attractive. Sadness. I guess there's always Emily. This epidemic of short haircuts is kind of starting to scare me, though.


Now that you have read these cautionary tales, please pass the word along about Hairpocalypse 2013. Women, if you’re reading this, make sure to stay far away from scissors, hair razors, or anything in the scissors family. Your hotness depends on it.


* Actually, even with her haircut, she still is way more attractive than Kristen Stewart, but that isn’t saying very much. Seriously, why do both of the characters in Twilight want her so much? She’s not that great. They can do much better.


Related Posts:
6 Signs Your Guy Friend is Trying to Get In Your Pants
The Other Aspect of Life a Woman MUST Get Right!
Where Hermione First Appears in a Harry Potter Post

5 comments:

  1. As usual, I disagree with you and your selective bias to prove that your belief that women with short hair will never be attractive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are obviously attractive women with short hair. Secretly, and I didn't want to make it obvious, I was critiquing famous women, actresses in this case, who have long hair and cut it off for the attention and/or to start a trend for the sake of it. If Anne Hathaway doesn't cut her hair for Les Mis, does she still win the Oscar? I wonder. Does Emma Watson appear on as many magazine covers if she keeps her hair? Would Charlize Theron be getting the attention she currently is if she wouldn't have cut her hair?

      I avoided low-hanging fruit such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Miley Cyrus.

      Delete
    2. Of course Anne Hathaway probably wouldn't have won her Oscar because her character has to shave off her hair to sell it since she no longer has any money. It certainly would have been strange if she still had her long hair in the desperate state her character was in. I still believe, though, that you have a problem with short hair on women. You have failed to come up with any short haired women you find attractive.

      Delete
  2. I cut my hair off and plenty of people tell me I look better with short hair than with long....

    ReplyDelete
  3. They all look like they have leukemia :)

    ReplyDelete