Sunday, March 17, 2013

Holding Grudges

For those of you “in the know,” you can imagine how difficult this last post is to write. I had a myriad of topic ideas and, inevitably, I rejected all of them. Luckily, late last night, someone chimed in with a good idea. Today, we will be talking about holding grudges and why it’s a great idea to stay angry at everyone who has ever wronged you. Let’s begin:

Look, if you can remember why you’re still angry at all of the people you’re pissed at, you’re doing it wrong. Maintaining a certain level of anger in life is important. Do you really want to be like all of those happy go-lucky people who are always skipping to wherever they need to go or smiling and laughing all the time? Of course you don’t. Those people are annoying.

I, for one, can remember most of the people who have wronged me even from an early age. When I was three years old, there was a curly-haired girl named Molly who I went to pre-school with. All I wanted to do was go on the swings with her, but no, Molly wanted to play tag. Actually, it may have been hide and go seek, because she obviously didn’t want to be found. I sat at the bench next to the slide in sadness. When I was five, I was the butt of a cruel April Fool’s joke. This kid pretended to be someone else for 15 minutes while we were playing at the park. I never saw either of them again.*

What is the biggest reason to hold a grudge against someone? That’s easy. When they delete you off of Facebook. It is the biggest slap in the face. I would rather these people key my car and shave all the hair off my mom instead of deleting me off of Facebook. Slap me repeatedly with a giant dolphin or something, but don’t defriend me on Facebook.
This means war. How could someone really unfriend any of us? We're awesome.

If you know someone has defriended you on Facebook, then the next time you see them, you have every right to completely ignore them even if they say something to you. Obviously they don’t care what you have to say, otherwise they would still be friends with you on Facebook and read your extremely witty status updates about how you have a pregnant squirrel eating through the roof of your house. All you can do is look at them in the eye, shake your head, and walk away. If they ask why you’re pissed, tell them “look, puffy pants, I know we’re not Facebook friends anymore. So go jump on a broken trampoline.” That should get your point across.

Need a strategy to get back at someone who has wronged you? When you see them, make sure to scream "YOUR BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU!!!!!" at the top of your lungs. If you are screaming at a guy, so much the better.

Either someone unfriended her, or her boyfriend just posted pictures of himself with a girl in a bikini.

* Parents, these anecdotes are perfectly good reasons why it’s a horrible idea to take your kids to the park. Nothing good happens at the park. Keep them home and have them watch TV instead.

Thanks to Nat for the idea.

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