Sunday, February 24, 2013

Texting Etiquette Bible

That’s right, the Jew is writing a Bible. This rendition is arguably more important than the actual one, although I can’t actually say that. Texting has replaced calling, communicating, and feelings as of 2013. That’s not a bad thing because texting is awesome. Unfortunately, there is a right and a wrong way to text a companion. An issue as important as this requires a handy, dandy list:                   

1. Imagine You are Texting Your Grandmother

Whenever you send a text, and especially a sext, always think of the recipient being your Grandmother. Women, for whatever reason, you all love to send us pictures of body parts we don’t actually want to see. Don’t do it. Fight the urge to send a picture of your vagina to your crush! You might think you have the world’s sexiest vagina, but trust us, you don’t. What you’re doing/sending is creepy.* Although it is worth noting that the FBI says all of their employees do it, so whatever.

Guess what someone just sent her in an email...

2. Use Complete Sentences

Try this. Instead of sending acronyms and chopped up speech for your texts, use complete sentences, grammar, and punctuation when you are texting. This sends all of the right messages. You are a mature individual who has his/her life together. You will be astounded by how people react to this. Don't be surprised if they start texting you back in a similar way and watch the depth of your textversations grow. Instead of being littered with "lol's," "smh's," and the like, there will be actual, coherent sentences.

3. Throw it Right Back in their Face

Oh no they didn’t! The person you’re texting sent you a one-word response or didn’t reply to you in a timely manner? It’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine. Send them a one-word response or take twice as long to respond to them. If they wait 10 minutes to reply, you wait 20. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex, they’ll say to themselves, “uh oh, is he/she texting someone else? I must have them for myself!” If you’re absolutely enraged, send them a smiley-face that is angry. Nothing says you mean business like a pissed off face. Try any of the following: >=( or  :O or -_- 

4. The Last Text Rule

The most important rule in texting. If the other person does not text you back, the conversation is over. I don’t care what you told them. If you texted that you’re about to jump off a bridge because you’re unbelievably depressed and they don’t text you back, the textversation has ended. They obviously don’t care about you or your bridge jumping. If they don’t text you back, it’s over. No one should ever send two texts in a row. Ever. The only person who texts twice in a row does so because his/her mother doesn’t love them and his/her only friends are the stray cats and rogue pigeons they feed.

* How do I know guys are the better sex? They would never be caught sending pictures of their junk to a girl they like. Meanwhile, women can’t help but send men they are trying to attract pictures of their vaginas.

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