Wednesday, February 20, 2013

How to Buy Condoms the Right Way

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read the following unless you are at least 18 years of age. Thank you.

It is arguably the most awkward proposition in the world. You’re a guy and you need to buy a box of condoms. The first time I purchased condoms*, I was unbelievably paranoid that someone would catch me and then turn around and tell all of my friends about my whereabouts. Pretty soon, I would be the laughingstock of the town, people would go around saying “you’ll never guess who just bought condoms, JOSH! Let's make fun of him for the rest of eternity! BWA HA HA HA!” To prevent this, I drove 40 minutes away and kept the car running for a quick getaway.** I was such a B.A. Nowadays, I have discovered there are better ways to purchase condoms:
All I could think about when looking at this picture is "I wonder how much all of these would cost." And "Ask for assistance? Uh...awkward."
1. Grab the Box and Walk Like a Man

Some guys grab the box from the shelf and then walk as quickly as they can to the cash register. But not you. Oh no. If you want to be a real man, you must grab the box and as you walk to the register, hold the box up high for all to see. Everyone in the store will know that you are about to have a rip-roaring good time. Make sure to take slow, deliberate steps for effect. Make sure to wink, smile, and wave at the people as you pass by with your condoms.

2. Slam the Box Down

Make sure you throw that box down with authority when you reach the register. Why? Because then the cashier knows you mean business. Throw in a sound effect such as “BOOOOM!” if you like, but that’s a tad excessive. I don’t care if this backfires royally and the condom box bounces off the cashier’s belt and hits someone in the face, you will have proven your point.

3. Cashier Conversation is Key

You have reached the cashier. It’s time to make conversation. You have no time to waste. You have one item and a ton of words and phrases to get in. Be prepared from the time he/she says “hi.” Some phrases you can use: “I always go with Magnums, you know, ‘cause I need a gigantic condom,” “Yeah, I had to get the 36-pack because I have a LOT of sex. And I mean a ton,” “I got the multi-color because my little warrior likes to dress up, too. The purple is Beverley’s*** favorite.”

4. Use a Coupon

Prolong the transaction and the awkwardness some more? Yes, please! Make sure to go to this link or a similar one for a coupon. It’s always a good time to save money.

If you do all of the above, I promise you that the store you bought condoms from, especially if it’s a place such as Target, will never forget you.

* Years ago before the wheel was invented and people made soup out of boulders, of course.

** I was so nervous, the box of condoms slipped out of my hand and nearly hit the cashier. She was not happy. Luckily, since I was in another county, she would never know my true identity.

*** That’s right, he’s not talking about his girlfriend. He actually named his dick Beverley. True story.

Please do not try this stuff at home nor anywhere. Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. One thing I have noticed is you always reference how long ago things occurred by saying "before the wheel was invented" and then it's followed by some other really old thing (this one always changes). This is a very useful post...if only I had a reason to purchase condoms. She would never know my true identity? Who are you, Bruce Wayne's demented son?