Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Horror Movies Make No Sense - Guest Post

Josh's Note: This is ARB's first ever guest post. To warn you, this girl swears...a lot. You have been warned.

Some say if you have seen one horror movie, you have seen them all. Valid argument, but not quite true. Some horror movies have a serial killer running around hacking people to death with butcher knives, while others have supernatural ghosts haunting not so innocent people. Yes, by the end everyone is dead either way, but you know they are still different. But no matter what kind of horror movie it is, they all still have the same reoccurring themes that make no sense. And when I say no sense, I mean like I seriously don’t know who thought of some of this shit. Let’s just dive in, shall we?

There’s always that one black guy…

I am in no way trying to sound racist here, but has anyone else noticed that there is always that single black guy hanging out with a group of all white people. You don’t see one Asian guy or girl or one Hispanic guy or girl hanging out with all white people. No it is always one black person. Think about it. Texas Chainsaw 3D, Shark Night, Friday the 13th remake, Scream 2, the list goes on. And they always find themselves dieing pretty close to the beginning as well. I mean come on Hollywood. Let switch things up a bit and have a white guy hang out with all black people, and then kill him off first. I’m sure it would be a flop in the box office, but I would go spend $9.50 to see that.

Someone always falls down while being chased.

The killer is chasing after their helpless victim. The victim, typically a girl, has a mile on them and then what does she do? She eats concrete. Meaning she has a dramatic fall, that takes her a good two minutes to get up from. Why does it take her so long? Because she usually lays there, cries, and watches as her killer comes closer and closer. Then when he is arm length away she finally realizes, “Hey maybe I should get up now and I don’t know, haul ass?” This has been used in every horror movie known to man. I would name off some movies but we would be here all night.

When in doubt, make sure to screw up one leg as much as possible.

Ever noticed how somehow the main character always does something to their leg to make it almost impossible to run? Yeah, I’ve noticed it too. The main character gets the upper hand on the killer and knocks them out for a few minutes. During the time the killer is knocked out, and until they come to, our main character has somehow managed to mangle their leg beyond repair. Maybe they cut it on glass as they tried to escape out a window. Maybe they twisted it running down a hill. No matter what the case may be, they have managed to personally handicap themselves.

The girls don’t feel it necessary to wear clothes.

I don’t think I have seen any horror movies lately with a serial killer involved, that hasn’t had the girls in it partially to almost completely undressed. Somehow if you are in a horror movie it is now socially acceptable to wear pretty much nothing. We all know what I am talking about. They are usually wandering around in a shirt that shows well, everything. And shorts so short you may as well just be wearing underwear. Actually the underwear may cover more then the shorts do. I especially love where if they are wearing some clothes, when they are running, their clothes magically get torn and ripped off. Last time I checked, when I go running at the gym, my clothes don’t just rip off. Sucks, I know. If only.

Girls just can’t stop having sex.

No matter where they are, if they are in the middle of the woods, in an abandoned house, in a creepy hotel, we girls just can’t help but have sex. It makes no sense. Like last time I checked, if my friends mysteriously disappeared one by one I wouldn’t turn to my boyfriend and say, “You know what? Let’s just have sex, right here, right now.” It would be more like, “Here’s an idea, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Like there is a time and a place for that, and I’m sorry but that is not the time do be getting it on.
You've got to be kidding me. A horror movie where the girl is half naked? Cool. 'Cause That's never been done before.
Ring ring, you answer the phone and you hear nothing but breathing on the other end. Who do you think that is?

This mostly applies to movies like the Scream franchise, but other movies have done this as well. You always have a girl home alone get an anonymous phone call from someone. They either don’t talk to you at first, or immediatly start terrorizing you on the phone. Saying they have your boyfriend, or they're in the house, yadayadayada. And the girl, being stupid, because we girls are always morons in these movies, plays along, and/or doesn't have the common sense to hang up and call the police. And I know some of you are going to say, "but when they try to the phone line has already been cut." My answer to that is we all have cell phones, we live in the 21st century. There is no excuse that your dumbass can’t get ahold of the cops somehow.

And my all time favorite, If you hear a noise, how about you go investigate it.

You are home alone in the house. You hear a bang from upstairs. Here’s an idea, let’s go check it out! Because that makes a boat load of sense. Real talk here, what do you think it was? Like oh, if I go upstairs, turn no lights on while I am doing this by the way, I will find a rational explanation to the bang I heard. Yeah… good luck with that. Because that always ends well. Here is an idea, you instead walk out the front door and get the hell out of there.

After all the horror movies make us women look to dumb and whorey to function, we always typically are the sole survivors in the massacres. How? I have no fucking idea.
No elaboration needed.

So, hopefully this gave you a little inside view on one of my favorite movie genres, and the things that just do not add up and make very little to no sense at all in them. So, go watch some Halloween, or Scream and see for yourselves why this genre just makes no fucking sense.

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