Sunday, February 17, 2013

4 Steps to Get Someone to Cheat on Their Lover

You are a horrible person. How do I know? You just clicked on and/or searched out a link that promises to teach you how to get someone to cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend.* There are any number of reasons why you want to end the hopes and dreams of a couple. It could be that you’re pure evil. Maybe you like smashing ice cream cones out of the hands of children. Perhaps you go around making babies cry for fun. Oh, maybe there are legitimate reasons. The couple you’re breaking up could be too annoying for their own good or maybe they’re the ugliest couple you’ve ever seen. Point is, it’s time to break up a happy couple and make them cry**:

1. Tempt Them Sexually

Women: You’re hot, right? You have some clothes that show off your assets and if you don’t have any assets, you’ve been shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The point you’re trying to get across is that you’re hotter than that chick he’s hanging around with. You can do things she can only dream of. Show him.

Guys: Unfortunately, the answer here isn’t to wear the tightest pants and skip out on the underwear for dramatic effect. Women don’t work that way. You have to show her you can fulfill her emotional needs. Save a kitten from a burning building. Mend the broken wing of a bird. Swim with a dolphin shirtless. You get it.

2. Flirt With Them Mercilessly

Women: Tell him how cute whatever he’s wearing makes him look. Get him into a playful mood so you can playfully punch him in the arm. Pretty soon, you guys are really going at it and he has no idea what his girlfriend’s name is anymore. All he can think about is if you’re this fun in bed.

Guys: Your job is to be playful and lighten the mood. Read the women’s section. You want to get her to flirt back with you. If she playfully hits you, it’s game on! Hopefully, like all intelligent men, you are packing a soft pillow that you always use to start pillow fights with women. Way to be prepared!
Why are they staring at a blank wall? In any case, poor girl with the hat.
3. Find an Opening

This person you’re trying to lure in is unhappy with their relationship, at least in part. When you hear something they’re mad about, such as a lack of compassion, not enough sex, or really anything, make sure to chime in with phrases such as “I’d never do that to you” or “Wow! He/She really sucks! Tell me more.”

4. The Final Nail

Women: Good work. You have used your feminine wiles to suck him in and you’ve got him thinking about you all the time. Now all you have to do is close the deal. Catch him at a time when you’re particularly on your game and you guys are connecting. Twirl your hair, act coy, and mention that you’re free on Friday and would love to hang sometime. Congratulations, you’ll have reeled in a guy!

Guys: When you and her are really in the zone, find out something she wants to do and thenask her if she wants to go do it with you. Are you going there are friends? Lovers? It’s anyone’s guess, but you can be sure Mr. Sucky Boyfriend will not be happy that you are spending time with his girl. Make sure to charm her and you’re in.

I would say the above advice is far better than what I got as a youth. Guys apparently suck at giving advice. I must have heard “show her your penis” and “just bang her already, dude.” A hundred times even when I was asking for advice on where I should go to eat dinner. Let me know!

* I’m not judging you or anything, because heck, I’m the one writing this, but still, you’re theoretically being kind of shady. I hope you aren’t planning on using these on MY relationship. It goes without saying, but The Perfect Woman nor The Perfect Man will cheat on their significant other.

** One caveat here. Well, there are tons of caveats, but this one is important: Trying to break up a happy couple won’t work out for you. If they are both drooling over each other, literally and figuratively, good luck. They’re staying together. Move onto someone different.

It goes without saying that I do not recommend actually getting someone to cheat nor cheating yourself. If you take the above advice literally, be prepared to suffer emotional and physical pain, probably at the hands of one or both halves of the couple.

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