Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How Did You Get Here? Heck, How did ANY of us Get Here?

People Google some crazy things. Seriously. Everything from asking why your dog can’t drive a car to why you can’t tickle yourself properly is fair game. Below are some of the more ridiculous and troubling examples of what people have Google searched to get to ARB with commentary:

How to Get a Guy Into Your Pants - Uh...perhaps unzipping them and letting him try them on? I’m guessing the Googler meant that she wants to tell a boy she wants sex. Part of me hopes I answered her question with this post, but another part hopes she is saving herself for marriage.    
Why Do I Like Naked Girls and I am Ten - Holy crap! Where are this kid’s parents? When I was ten, I didn’t even know what a girl was. Learn to Cuddle first, man!

Naked Ladies Trying to Kill Me
- The person who Googled this apparently thought to jump on his computer before calling the police. He landed here, but I am worried because he never Googled again, so the naked ladies might have killed him. Although maybe if he were sexier, they would have fallen in love with him instead?

If a Boy Asks You to Buy a Rose for Him - My advice? Dump him! What’s his problem? Can’t he buy his own freakin’ rose? Does he think he’s the girl?

Nude Rose Pictures from MTV Catfish - Many iterations of this in recent weeks landing people here. My question: why do you want to see naked pictures of her? Seriously. She’s not that great.

Signs My Guy Friend is Into Me - Hint: If you have to Google it, he's into you.

"Meteor Will Strike You" - Was this legitimately a concern for someone? In any case, he actually survived The End of the World and then Googled that’s a problem.

Signs Your Guy Friend Wants Your Body and Not You - There are many signs, but if you catch a guy drooling or ogling you incessantly, assume he’s not sticking around for the conversation.

Signs He Wants in Your Pants
- Is he making repeated sexual references and/or are you wearing extremely revealing clothing?       

What It Means If a Guy Wants to Get in Your Pants
- It means he wants to have sex with you. Now if he wants to get into your panties, THEN you have a dilemma...or a potentially fun sexual fantasy? You decide!

Is Giving a Rose to Someone Cheating - Of course it is. So is giving someone a cupcake, a cookie, or any kind of card. A hug is perfectly acceptable, though. However, if you hold the hug for longer than 4 seconds, you’re still a dirty, rotten, cheater.

"Tickle Me" Ticklish Tickled Tattoos - I have no comment nor words to describe how or why this person got to ARB nor why they were searching for this.

Did anyone else pick up on the pattern? It appears as if every girl out there either wants a guy to get into her pants, or is currently dealing with a guy friend who is attempting such a feat. Sounds like it sucks to be a girl.

No, I have no idea what this picture has to do with this post, either.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Texting Etiquette Bible

That’s right, the Jew is writing a Bible. This rendition is arguably more important than the actual one, although I can’t actually say that. Texting has replaced calling, communicating, and feelings as of 2013. That’s not a bad thing because texting is awesome. Unfortunately, there is a right and a wrong way to text a companion. An issue as important as this requires a handy, dandy list:                   

1. Imagine You are Texting Your Grandmother

Whenever you send a text, and especially a sext, always think of the recipient being your Grandmother. Women, for whatever reason, you all love to send us pictures of body parts we don’t actually want to see. Don’t do it. Fight the urge to send a picture of your vagina to your crush! You might think you have the world’s sexiest vagina, but trust us, you don’t. What you’re doing/sending is creepy.* Although it is worth noting that the FBI says all of their employees do it, so whatever.

Guess what someone just sent her in an email...

2. Use Complete Sentences

Try this. Instead of sending acronyms and chopped up speech for your texts, use complete sentences, grammar, and punctuation when you are texting. This sends all of the right messages. You are a mature individual who has his/her life together. You will be astounded by how people react to this. Don't be surprised if they start texting you back in a similar way and watch the depth of your textversations grow. Instead of being littered with "lol's," "smh's," and the like, there will be actual, coherent sentences.

3. Throw it Right Back in their Face

Oh no they didn’t! The person you’re texting sent you a one-word response or didn’t reply to you in a timely manner? It’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine. Send them a one-word response or take twice as long to respond to them. If they wait 10 minutes to reply, you wait 20. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex, they’ll say to themselves, “uh oh, is he/she texting someone else? I must have them for myself!” If you’re absolutely enraged, send them a smiley-face that is angry. Nothing says you mean business like a pissed off face. Try any of the following: >=( or  :O or -_- 

4. The Last Text Rule

The most important rule in texting. If the other person does not text you back, the conversation is over. I don’t care what you told them. If you texted that you’re about to jump off a bridge because you’re unbelievably depressed and they don’t text you back, the textversation has ended. They obviously don’t care about you or your bridge jumping. If they don’t text you back, it’s over. No one should ever send two texts in a row. Ever. The only person who texts twice in a row does so because his/her mother doesn’t love them and his/her only friends are the stray cats and rogue pigeons they feed.

* How do I know guys are the better sex? They would never be caught sending pictures of their junk to a girl they like. Meanwhile, women can’t help but send men they are trying to attract pictures of their vaginas.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

How to Buy Condoms the Right Way

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read the following unless you are at least 18 years of age. Thank you.

It is arguably the most awkward proposition in the world. You’re a guy and you need to buy a box of condoms. The first time I purchased condoms*, I was unbelievably paranoid that someone would catch me and then turn around and tell all of my friends about my whereabouts. Pretty soon, I would be the laughingstock of the town, people would go around saying “you’ll never guess who just bought condoms, JOSH! Let's make fun of him for the rest of eternity! BWA HA HA HA!” To prevent this, I drove 40 minutes away and kept the car running for a quick getaway.** I was such a B.A. Nowadays, I have discovered there are better ways to purchase condoms:
All I could think about when looking at this picture is "I wonder how much all of these would cost." And "Ask for assistance? Uh...awkward."
1. Grab the Box and Walk Like a Man

Some guys grab the box from the shelf and then walk as quickly as they can to the cash register. But not you. Oh no. If you want to be a real man, you must grab the box and as you walk to the register, hold the box up high for all to see. Everyone in the store will know that you are about to have a rip-roaring good time. Make sure to take slow, deliberate steps for effect. Make sure to wink, smile, and wave at the people as you pass by with your condoms.

2. Slam the Box Down

Make sure you throw that box down with authority when you reach the register. Why? Because then the cashier knows you mean business. Throw in a sound effect such as “BOOOOM!” if you like, but that’s a tad excessive. I don’t care if this backfires royally and the condom box bounces off the cashier’s belt and hits someone in the face, you will have proven your point.

3. Cashier Conversation is Key

You have reached the cashier. It’s time to make conversation. You have no time to waste. You have one item and a ton of words and phrases to get in. Be prepared from the time he/she says “hi.” Some phrases you can use: “I always go with Magnums, you know, ‘cause I need a gigantic condom,” “Yeah, I had to get the 36-pack because I have a LOT of sex. And I mean a ton,” “I got the multi-color because my little warrior likes to dress up, too. The purple is Beverley’s*** favorite.”

4. Use a Coupon

Prolong the transaction and the awkwardness some more? Yes, please! Make sure to go to this link or a similar one for a coupon. It’s always a good time to save money.

If you do all of the above, I promise you that the store you bought condoms from, especially if it’s a place such as Target, will never forget you.

* Years ago before the wheel was invented and people made soup out of boulders, of course.

** I was so nervous, the box of condoms slipped out of my hand and nearly hit the cashier. She was not happy. Luckily, since I was in another county, she would never know my true identity.

*** That’s right, he’s not talking about his girlfriend. He actually named his dick Beverley. True story.

Please do not try this stuff at home nor anywhere. Thank you.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

4 Steps to Get Someone to Cheat on Their Lover

You are a horrible person. How do I know? You just clicked on and/or searched out a link that promises to teach you how to get someone to cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend.* There are any number of reasons why you want to end the hopes and dreams of a couple. It could be that you’re pure evil. Maybe you like smashing ice cream cones out of the hands of children. Perhaps you go around making babies cry for fun. Oh, maybe there are legitimate reasons. The couple you’re breaking up could be too annoying for their own good or maybe they’re the ugliest couple you’ve ever seen. Point is, it’s time to break up a happy couple and make them cry**:

1. Tempt Them Sexually

Women: You’re hot, right? You have some clothes that show off your assets and if you don’t have any assets, you’ve been shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The point you’re trying to get across is that you’re hotter than that chick he’s hanging around with. You can do things she can only dream of. Show him.

Guys: Unfortunately, the answer here isn’t to wear the tightest pants and skip out on the underwear for dramatic effect. Women don’t work that way. You have to show her you can fulfill her emotional needs. Save a kitten from a burning building. Mend the broken wing of a bird. Swim with a dolphin shirtless. You get it.

2. Flirt With Them Mercilessly

Women: Tell him how cute whatever he’s wearing makes him look. Get him into a playful mood so you can playfully punch him in the arm. Pretty soon, you guys are really going at it and he has no idea what his girlfriend’s name is anymore. All he can think about is if you’re this fun in bed.

Guys: Your job is to be playful and lighten the mood. Read the women’s section. You want to get her to flirt back with you. If she playfully hits you, it’s game on! Hopefully, like all intelligent men, you are packing a soft pillow that you always use to start pillow fights with women. Way to be prepared!
Why are they staring at a blank wall? In any case, poor girl with the hat.
3. Find an Opening

This person you’re trying to lure in is unhappy with their relationship, at least in part. When you hear something they’re mad about, such as a lack of compassion, not enough sex, or really anything, make sure to chime in with phrases such as “I’d never do that to you” or “Wow! He/She really sucks! Tell me more.”

4. The Final Nail

Women: Good work. You have used your feminine wiles to suck him in and you’ve got him thinking about you all the time. Now all you have to do is close the deal. Catch him at a time when you’re particularly on your game and you guys are connecting. Twirl your hair, act coy, and mention that you’re free on Friday and would love to hang sometime. Congratulations, you’ll have reeled in a guy!

Guys: When you and her are really in the zone, find out something she wants to do and thenask her if she wants to go do it with you. Are you going there are friends? Lovers? It’s anyone’s guess, but you can be sure Mr. Sucky Boyfriend will not be happy that you are spending time with his girl. Make sure to charm her and you’re in.

I would say the above advice is far better than what I got as a youth. Guys apparently suck at giving advice. I must have heard “show her your penis” and “just bang her already, dude.” A hundred times even when I was asking for advice on where I should go to eat dinner. Let me know!

* I’m not judging you or anything, because heck, I’m the one writing this, but still, you’re theoretically being kind of shady. I hope you aren’t planning on using these on MY relationship. It goes without saying, but The Perfect Woman nor The Perfect Man will cheat on their significant other.

** One caveat here. Well, there are tons of caveats, but this one is important: Trying to break up a happy couple won’t work out for you. If they are both drooling over each other, literally and figuratively, good luck. They’re staying together. Move onto someone different.

It goes without saying that I do not recommend actually getting someone to cheat nor cheating yourself. If you take the above advice literally, be prepared to suffer emotional and physical pain, probably at the hands of one or both halves of the couple.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Horror Movies Make No Sense - Guest Post

Josh's Note: This is ARB's first ever guest post. To warn you, this girl swears...a lot. You have been warned.

Some say if you have seen one horror movie, you have seen them all. Valid argument, but not quite true. Some horror movies have a serial killer running around hacking people to death with butcher knives, while others have supernatural ghosts haunting not so innocent people. Yes, by the end everyone is dead either way, but you know they are still different. But no matter what kind of horror movie it is, they all still have the same reoccurring themes that make no sense. And when I say no sense, I mean like I seriously don’t know who thought of some of this shit. Let’s just dive in, shall we?

There’s always that one black guy…

I am in no way trying to sound racist here, but has anyone else noticed that there is always that single black guy hanging out with a group of all white people. You don’t see one Asian guy or girl or one Hispanic guy or girl hanging out with all white people. No it is always one black person. Think about it. Texas Chainsaw 3D, Shark Night, Friday the 13th remake, Scream 2, the list goes on. And they always find themselves dieing pretty close to the beginning as well. I mean come on Hollywood. Let switch things up a bit and have a white guy hang out with all black people, and then kill him off first. I’m sure it would be a flop in the box office, but I would go spend $9.50 to see that.

Someone always falls down while being chased.

The killer is chasing after their helpless victim. The victim, typically a girl, has a mile on them and then what does she do? She eats concrete. Meaning she has a dramatic fall, that takes her a good two minutes to get up from. Why does it take her so long? Because she usually lays there, cries, and watches as her killer comes closer and closer. Then when he is arm length away she finally realizes, “Hey maybe I should get up now and I don’t know, haul ass?” This has been used in every horror movie known to man. I would name off some movies but we would be here all night.

When in doubt, make sure to screw up one leg as much as possible.

Ever noticed how somehow the main character always does something to their leg to make it almost impossible to run? Yeah, I’ve noticed it too. The main character gets the upper hand on the killer and knocks them out for a few minutes. During the time the killer is knocked out, and until they come to, our main character has somehow managed to mangle their leg beyond repair. Maybe they cut it on glass as they tried to escape out a window. Maybe they twisted it running down a hill. No matter what the case may be, they have managed to personally handicap themselves.

The girls don’t feel it necessary to wear clothes.

I don’t think I have seen any horror movies lately with a serial killer involved, that hasn’t had the girls in it partially to almost completely undressed. Somehow if you are in a horror movie it is now socially acceptable to wear pretty much nothing. We all know what I am talking about. They are usually wandering around in a shirt that shows well, everything. And shorts so short you may as well just be wearing underwear. Actually the underwear may cover more then the shorts do. I especially love where if they are wearing some clothes, when they are running, their clothes magically get torn and ripped off. Last time I checked, when I go running at the gym, my clothes don’t just rip off. Sucks, I know. If only.

Girls just can’t stop having sex.

No matter where they are, if they are in the middle of the woods, in an abandoned house, in a creepy hotel, we girls just can’t help but have sex. It makes no sense. Like last time I checked, if my friends mysteriously disappeared one by one I wouldn’t turn to my boyfriend and say, “You know what? Let’s just have sex, right here, right now.” It would be more like, “Here’s an idea, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Like there is a time and a place for that, and I’m sorry but that is not the time do be getting it on.
You've got to be kidding me. A horror movie where the girl is half naked? Cool. 'Cause That's never been done before.
Ring ring, you answer the phone and you hear nothing but breathing on the other end. Who do you think that is?

This mostly applies to movies like the Scream franchise, but other movies have done this as well. You always have a girl home alone get an anonymous phone call from someone. They either don’t talk to you at first, or immediatly start terrorizing you on the phone. Saying they have your boyfriend, or they're in the house, yadayadayada. And the girl, being stupid, because we girls are always morons in these movies, plays along, and/or doesn't have the common sense to hang up and call the police. And I know some of you are going to say, "but when they try to the phone line has already been cut." My answer to that is we all have cell phones, we live in the 21st century. There is no excuse that your dumbass can’t get ahold of the cops somehow.

And my all time favorite, If you hear a noise, how about you go investigate it.

You are home alone in the house. You hear a bang from upstairs. Here’s an idea, let’s go check it out! Because that makes a boat load of sense. Real talk here, what do you think it was? Like oh, if I go upstairs, turn no lights on while I am doing this by the way, I will find a rational explanation to the bang I heard. Yeah… good luck with that. Because that always ends well. Here is an idea, you instead walk out the front door and get the hell out of there.

After all the horror movies make us women look to dumb and whorey to function, we always typically are the sole survivors in the massacres. How? I have no fucking idea.
No elaboration needed.

So, hopefully this gave you a little inside view on one of my favorite movie genres, and the things that just do not add up and make very little to no sense at all in them. So, go watch some Halloween, or Scream and see for yourselves why this genre just makes no fucking sense.

See the original post here:

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Live Tweeting a First Date - Girl Edition

This is Ashley. Ashley is live tweeting her first date.

6:00 pm: Can’t wait for date. #SoExcited
6:30 pm: I started the date like this. #NuffSaid

7:04 pm: He just rolled up. #IsThatAMinivan

7:17 pm: He met my parents. #MomHatesHim #DadHatesHim #DogTriedToBiteHim

7:18 pm: Off to a good start.
7:43 pm: Want cheeseburger at restaurant. Got salad. #Don’tWantSalad
7:47 pm: He asked me how my food was, I told him it was fine. #IStillHateSalad
8:14 pm: Just walked into theater, he didn’t even ask if I wanted anything. #IWantMyEffingPopcorn
8:21 pm: Watching Die Hard. Can’t stop reloading my newsfeed.
8:32 pm: Bitch just told me to put my phone away. #Inconsiderate

8:43 pm: Bitch said she’s going to kill me if I don’t put phone away. Bye lovelies!<3:)

10:16 pm: I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

10:29 pm: It’s been real, but honestly, he’s not getting my golden ticket.

11:00 pm: But OMG. Best Date Everrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift List

So, some blog author may or may not have promised everyone out there a list of gifts to give your significant other on Valentine’s Day.* Unlike some of my other promises, this one I’m actually going to keep. This list is by no means perfect, but it’s better than every other list out there. So I’d recommend soaking it all up and giving one of these gifts to your lover. For whatever reason, it is assumed that guys must get the girl a gift and the girl is just supposed to sit there and look pretty and say things like “oh my gosh” and “oh snicker-doodle, this gift is great.” Thus, this list will be a bit heavy on gifts a guy can get for his girlfriend.

Before I begin, two points. First, if you don’t actually like the person you’re with, do not wait until after Valentine’s Day to break up with them. People seem to believe that waiting to break up with someone who makes you miserable is the polite thing to do. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Do it now. Heck, stop reading this, go break up with the person who makes you cry, then come back and read this together with your newer, better, significant other. Second, the question of how much to spend comes up a lot, so I like to follow this template to determine how much needs to be spent on a gift:

If you aren’t dating and/or you’re only dating in your head: $0.
If you are planning to break up with him/her on February 15th: $0.
Only been dating for two weeks or less: $5 maximum.
Dating for four weeks or less: $10 maximum.
In a Relationship and dating longer than two months: $25 maximum.

Obviously, underline the word “maximum.” The goal isn’t to spend a ton of money on him/her, it’s to spend the least amount possible.** Anyway, onto the list:

- A stuffed animal, ideally a dog, cat, bear, or pig. Maybe a zebra if you’re feeling risky.
- A box of chocolates*** or some flowers she likes.****
- A gift card for a spa or a nail salon.
- Something from one of your first dates or a special memory. Like a picture, ticket stub, etc.
- Dinner or lunch at a place your lover enjoys.
- A cake or some other baked good. Although see footnote two. He/She won’t share.
- Take them back to where you met and reminisce.
- Cook your date a meal and pamper them.
- A book or Blu-Ray they’ve had their eye on. Probably a Blu-Ray since I’m the only one who reads anymore.
- Some clothes you believe they’d look good in. Make sure to secretly raid their closet for their sizes.
- Head to some place with nice scenery, ideally somewhere you’ve never been together, lay back and talk.
- Buy your significant other concert, sports, play or any other event tickets they’ve had their eye on.
- Buy some cologne or perfume that you believe would smell good on them.
- Get some massage oil and give them a personal massage...if that’s your thing and you don’t suck as much at massages as I do.        
- Some sexy lingerie or boxers you want to see them in...for a few minutes.

Or you could get your lover this picture in the form of a poster. The goal is to make your lover feel awesome, obviously.
So there you have it. A bunch of gift ideas that will make your lover even more attracted to you. And why is that? Because your gift is meaningful and not something extremely expensive that shows you put no thought into it. Feel free to keep some time open for after dinner, if you know what I mean. Hopefully you are spending this Valentine's Day with your vision of The Perfect Woman or The Perfect Man. Have fun out there!

* When I say “significant other,” I don’t mean the girl you’ve been crushing on for the past two years nor the girl your best friend is dating. I mean someone you are in a committed relationship with. If you’re only dating him/her in your head, no gift. Possibly a psychologist, but definitely not a gift.

** Relax, everyone! This is a basic guideline but feel free to spend more. The point I am trying to make is this: it is not about how much you spent but about what your gift means. If you’re trying to buy their affection with money, well, you deserve everything you don’t get. It’s better to spend less on something meaningful than spend $100 or more on a gift you put no thought into. No one enjoys feeling like they were “bought,” especially not women.

*** The most common, but also the riskiest gifts. She is going to eat all of the chocolates and not share any. That’s bad. You wanted some of those, too.

**** The flowers, well, who wants flowers? All they do is look nice for a day and then die a slow and painful death. Do you want the flowers to be a metaphor for your relationship? Yeah, I’d stay away. Alright, alright, I’m joking. Find out what flowers she wants and then get those. Don’t go rogue and buy anything. There is a big difference between a rose and an orchid, for instance. Some women love a few types of flowers and the rest do not impress them. Find out which ones!
Some of you who pay extra special attention to detail will note that we have had this discussion of flowers before on: First Date Tips.