Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The One Thing Women Suck At

Let me first start by saying this is a high-quality problem to have. You’re hot and you have a bangin’ personality and guys want you. However, speaking on behalf of all men, we would like to say there’s one thing you women do that really gets to us. You have no idea how to reject guys. All you do is leave a wake of broken hearts and puppy dog eyes in your wake. You’re better off doing the Jenna Marbles face instead of the crappy lines you use. Below, I will be using some common phrases you women use and explain why they are about as effective as trying to eat soup with a knife. Finally, I’ll hit you with a foolproof method of rejecting us properly.
The bad acting is admittedly a problem, but this is probably a better way to reject a guy than any of the phrases below.

“I’m not ready for a relationship because of *insert random excuse here*”

Actually, yes you are, you just aren’t ready for one with us. Nor will you be in this lifetime. Nor the next lifetime. Unfortunately, this is an atrocious way to reject a guy. All that will do is make us look at you like a sick puppy. We actually need to care for and love you more so you’ll get over this problem of yours. Look, we have nothing better to do other than wait around for you to be ready to love us. We’ll wait you out. We have unlimited love to give.

“You’re Like a Brother To me”

If you use this line, I hope someone ties your pigtails together. You’d think this one would shoo us away for good, right? Who wants to kiss their brother? That’s what you’re thinking. Guys are thinking, “cool, who are you closer to than your brother? She must feel really close to me and like she can tell me anything.” Wait, wasn’t that exactly the opposite of what you were trying to get at? Oops.

“Let’s Be Friends”

You do not want to be friends with this guy. You’d rather be friends with that girl who is calling you fat behind your back. Why are you leading him on? What are guys thinking when you use this? “Women always say they want to be friends with a guy before getting into a relationship with him. Cool! I’m halfway there!” All he has to do now is wait for you to fall in love with him, you guys will kiss, and have 12 kids. Expect for him to turn on the charm now. Everything you saw before was just practice.

“I like you, you’re such a great guy, but...”

I know you read Cosmopolitan magazine and it says to go for the compliment sandwich*, but don’t do it.** We’re only listening to the first part and we hear all of these compliments, which means the door is still open to getting in your pants*** If this guy is so great, why aren’t you kissing him and holding his hand? Forget the compliments. You don’t actually like this guy. Tell it to him like it is. How about: “some other girl will love you, ‘cause I sure don’t and never will.” Jackpot.

“I’m busy that day, text me later.”

It’s the old classic of pretending you actually have stuff to do. You don’t. All you’re doing is scrolling up and down your Facebook News Feed for hours. What guys hear is “oh, she’s busy that day, but she wants to get together, which is why she told me to text her later. I will keep asking her to hang out until I find a day she is free.” Poor guy. You’re giving him false hope. Women, do you see what you’re doing to this poor, fictitious guy? You’re killing his dreams of dating you. He was looking forward to taking you home to his Mother but he’ll never get the chance. He thinks your schedule will actually open up sometime in the next year.

Alright, so we’ve delved into all of the horrible ways women can reject a guy, none of which actually work. So what is the correct way to do it? Here it is: tell him you don’t like him in that way and don’t have those kinds of feelings for him and then fill in with whatever you want. Do not give this guy false hope, just tell him the way it is. I cannot tell you how many guys still think they have a chance with a girl who rejected them months or even years earlier. In the end, bluntly telling him you’re not interested is your best bet. Anything else means you’re a wuss.

* Compliment Sandwich: When you want to change something your man does, compliment him, then tell him what he needs to change, then compliment him again. Thus, it creates a word sandwich. Genius, right?

** It also is filled with way more sex secrets than you’ll ever need and fun quizzes to see what you want in your dream guy. Not that I would know...

*** Or, if you’re like me, you want to get together so you guys can be Cuddle Buddies. Having a cuddle buddy is arguably the best relationship in the world...or so I hear.


  1. I have had women tell me all of the above. One time, a woman called into Showplace and I answered the phone and she told me, "Look, you're nice and all, but I'm not going to date you." All I said was hello.

  2. However, the whole "fictitious guy" thing is perfect given the Manti Te'o stuff

  3. OMG Josh stop giving away the secrets to training your man. Compliment sandwiches are to be used only when you need to train your bf to do something you want him to do!

    1. No need to fret, Kasia, most of your methods are still under wraps. I am sure you will continue to use innovative methods of making your man do your bidding...ahem, I mean training him.

  4. I notice through a lot of your posts you dish out on women. Oh Josh!