Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Harry Potter Movies Enrage Me

Back in the day, before television was invented and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was a teenager. As a teenager, I was absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter. I would stay up all day and all night when a new book came out. I barely came out to eat. Seeing as how I weighed more than quite a few NFL players at the time, that was quite an accomplishment. I could not wait for the movies to come out so I could finally see the Harry Potter universe instead of imagining it. And then they had to go and piss me off. Even as I write this, I am restraining myself from not pounding my keyboard into dust.* Below are some of the more egregious cases of how the Harry Potter movies went wrong:

The Goblet of Fire (4th movie)

Yes! Now the action starts. There will finally be legitimate fighting and someone actually dies, unlike the first three movies where no one of value dies. There’s no way they can screw this up. Wrong! Wrong. Wrong. It all starts at the Yule Ball. For some inexplicable reason, Hermione’s dress makes her boobs the pointiest objects I have ever seen. I am only slightly exaggerating. Seriously, don’t get too close. Her boobs might poke your eye out.** It’s like they put knives in her bra or something. Then, to make matters worse, the script called for Hermione to start, out of completely nowhere, start screaming at Harry and Ron to go to bed. What kind of sense does that make? Who does she think she is, their pointy-boobed Mother? In unrelated news, why exactly is Bartemius Crouch screaming like a caged animal in the flashback scene. Gee, I wonder if he worked for Voldemort after that. Because everyone who is innocent does that and screams “Yaaaaaa!" at absolutely everything.
Sure, maybe I exaggerate a little, but seriously, pointy is not what they should have been going for.
The Order of the Phoenix (5th movie)

In this, the fifth installment, the script and the director really screwed the pooch. Apparently, in Harry Potter logic, if you just so happen to be evil, you can become black smoke and fly anywhere you want. You don’t need a broom. All you need is to be evil. While you are in this smoke form, you can do anything and everything you want. Destroy stuff. Kill people. Be generally scary. You name it. I have no idea why this is and I’m pretty sure no one else does, either. And don’t get me started on the fireworks scene. Yep, that will teach old Dolores Umbridge a lesson. Random fireworks! I can feel the vengeance. If I was perpetrating evil against a school, my greatest fear would be a fireworks display. Fun fact: random fireworks displays actually work better at stopping evil-doing than taking the criminals to jail.

The Half-Blood Prince (6th movie)

First of all, geez, was there enough making out in this movie? I felt like I was watching a Twilight sex scene for part of it. Perhaps the director got bored of that whole Hogwarts thing and was sick of all of the Voldemort vs. Harry stuff and wanted to make it into an episode of MTV’s The Real World? The scene where Hermione sends all of those birds to attack Ron Weasley is what I imagine Ronnie and Sammie would do to each other in the third season of Jersey Shore.*** What was up with the scene where Bellatrix Lestrange burns down the Weasley’s house? That didn’t actually happen in the book. Where exactly are the Weasley’s supposed to live? The movie never tells us. Also, good move not showing Dumbledore’s funeral. Whatever, he probably wasn’t important enough to deserve a funeral, anyway.

I think that’s enough Harry Potter bashing for today. The first couple of movies, aside from a minor flaw or two****, were actually pretty good. The last two movies, although too short for my taste, actually have grown on me. For those of you who have absolutely no idea what Harry Potter is, then I hope you are imprisoned forever in Azkaban and that the dementors have their way with you! Unfortunately, if you don't know Harry Potter, you'll have no idea what that last sentence was supposed to imply. Sadness.

* Some of you might be surprised that I know how to exhibit anger, but yes, it may have been a while, but I still remember how to do it. I can turn into The Hulk at a moment’s notice. I could say you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, but you probably would. I’m a bundle of joy when I’m yelling and screaming...or so I’ve heard.

** Oh come on, don’t tell me you weren’t paying attention. It was impossible to look away.

*** Can you imagine it? “I am so sick of this, Ron! What you did in Miami was such a sucky thing to do.” Instead of throwing her bed onto the porch, Ronnie unleashes the wrath of the birds on Sammie. Meanwhile, he calls his ex for comfort.

**** In the first movie, I was looking forward to the potions scene at the end where the right combination of potion needs to be drunk in order to advance. I could not wait to see it. It was, by far, my favorite scene in the book. Then I found out they left it out. Thanks for destroying the dreams of a 10-year old, Chris Columbus. I ate an entire cake afterwards because I was so sad. Aside from that, though, the first two movies really mirrored the book extraordinarily well, so I will overlook this one flaw.


  1. I disagree with your perception of the movies. While I do believe these are the weakest of them, these movies are still pretty decent, ending with the amazing climax of The Deathly Hallows Part 2 (it was such a shame that that did not receive any major Oscar nominations, as I had predicted coming into last year).

  2. Hermione's dress was amazingly beautiful in the Goblet of Fire! However, I do feel like they made Hermione seem emotionally unstable and that reinforces the stereotype that women are "crazy", so I dont enjoy that particular scene. But it's understandable that she was upset, because Ronald was being a straight up jealous ass!


  3. @Nat: Compared to the books, the movies can hardly hold a candle. It is amazing how much they cut out of the seventh book even though they had two movies to accomplish everything. Notice how Harry doesn't actually have a wand after the seventh because he inexplicably breaks the Elder Wand without repairing his own, as he does in the books.

    @Maddie: It would have been...for someone else. She didn't have the figure for it at the time. They absolutely could have done a better job with Hermione in several areas, for sure.

  4. Josh, when watching a movie that is based on a book, it's best not to hold it to the standard of the book in all aspects. Movies wish to dramatize more than books, especially with symbolism*, since you can actually see the symbolism. Also, the young man I was instantly fell in love with Emma Watson in the fourth movie, so don't be trashing how she looked.

    *Can comments have footnotes? Well, now they can. An exception to this statement would be any John Updike book, because the majority of any of his books are littered with symbolism, which makes for a hard, yet fascinating, read.

    1. I don't believe I was holding the movies to the books in all aspects, but on the whole, they could have stuck with the books more. Some of the stuff they added, especially the random black smoke and the destruction of the Weasley house, among other things, was completely unnecessary. Admittedly, Emma Watson after a certain point was fairly attractive.

  5. The films were a very poor adaption to the books except for the first 2.Too many changes and bits added.David yates ruined the last 4 movies by doing this.HBP no battle or dumbledore funeral.DH2 no hogsmeaders,no centaurs,no house final battle in the great hall with everyone watching.And finally harry doesnt break the elder wand

    1. Nailed it. I could go on and on forever. Yep, Harry doesn't even have a wand anymore in the movie universe because he broke the Elder Wand and his own wand was never fixed with it, as it is in the book. They tried to race through way too much and focused on enough that didn't matter. Also, Ron and Hermione were not threatening to make-out every five seconds in the books, their relationship was much more subtle. The final battle went on way too long before it got to the point. Sticking with The Great Hall scene would have been better, although I wouldn't have been mad had they shortened it. Cutting Snape's Memory and King's Cross also got to me. One Arianna Dumbledore mention, really?