Wednesday, January 30, 2013

So You Want to Catfish

WARNING: What you are about to read is not advised. Please do not attempt now nor ever. Thank you.
NOTE: For those of you who have arrived here looking for Rose from Catfish's Facebook, know that, according to what I have researched, it has been taken down. However, here is Kari Ann's official Facebook page:

I have a confession to make. This will be the first time I have publicly admitted this, but here goes nothing: I was in a Catfish relationship.* Before anyone jumps to any crazy conclusions, please scroll down to the footnote as it will explain almost everything. In any case, getting into one of these Catfish** relationships seems to be all the rage these days. Seeing as how I have personal experience and have been watching the television show and the current Manti Te’o saga perhaps too closely, I had to snap into action. It is time you, yes, you, got into an online relationship with someone you’ve never met:
Fun fact: She is not actually real. Well, she is, but she isn't. She's real, but she is also imaginary.
1. Pick Your Gender

That’s right, folks, you can be anyone you want to be on the internet. Guys, ever wanted to know what it’s like to be a really hot girl? Now you can find out. Girls, we know you’ve wanted to know why guys are so awesome. Being a girl for a day would, in theory, probably be fun.

2. Select Your Photos/Personality

In real life, you have flaws. We are aiming for an internet relationship here, so your real-life, inadequate self won’t cut it. On the internet, everyone is perfect. Pick some really great pictures and post them onto whatever site you’re using. Look around and find some great pictures. Maybe you’ve always wished you could be your best friend. Bingo! Now you can be. Your online character’s personality should, ideally, match up with what you think the pictures signify. Keep in mind, when the conversation heads to the phone, you have to be able to keep everything together. Or, you could be awesome, and use pictures of a school teacher but craft a personality like a rapper.

3. Find Your Target

So, you’ve set up your fake Facebook, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, or some other profile and you’re raring to go. Unfortunately, it takes two to virtually tango. Building the greatest profile in the world doesn’t mean zilch if it doesn’t attract anyone online. Your target should be another profile who looks equally perfect. Why? They’re probably misrepresenting themselves, too. You know it will lead to a crazy ending where both of you are hiding your real identities like none other to keep up the hoax but it all comes crashing down. Picking a normal, average person wouldn’t make for much fun later.

4. Cover Your Tracks

If this person is sane, they’re going to want to talk to you on the phone, chat with you on a webcam, or, heaven forbid, meet you in person in due course. Your job is to stay one step ahead. When they want to talk to you on the phone, be prepared to be in character. When they want to see you on a site like Skype, claim you don’t have one or yours doesn’t work. If they want to meet in person, keep pushing it back and coming up with excuses. You’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and you have to count your money. You remembered that you’re giving up meeting strange people on the internet for Lent***, but you’ll catch them after that. Be original and be evasive. You might be able to keep this up for a while.

5. When It Blows Up

Virtually all of these relationships come to a horrible, cry-inducing, ending. Much like Cuddle Buddies, these relationships don’t have a long shelf life. How would you like to keep up this act for the rest of your life? Sounds exhausting. Heck, I’m exhausted just writing about it. And eventually, you’ll probably realize that you’re really causing some serious emotional damage to the person on the other end. That is, if they’re not lying their pretend panties off just like you are. Seriously, you’re probably talking to a 45-year old man wearing only a robe in his Mother’s basement pretending to be a 19-year old model anyway. In any case, prepare for this ending and don’t get too emotionally attached.

Do any of you guys have Catfish stories involving you in an online relationship? Good luck to any and all who venture into the realm of Catfishing!

* So, you want to know the dirty details, do you? Very well. I was 13-years old and I got into an online relationship with a girl who seemed nice enough who I met through a mutual friend. It seemed completely legitimate. We talked a lot via Instant Message and on the phone several times. This was before webcams were in vogue. On the other end, I imagined a small, nerdy girl with glasses. When I finally got her picture, she was absolutely nothing like what I expected. It lasted four months...which is very different than 4 years, but still.

** For those of you who have been hiding under a rock and only come out of hiding to read this blog. A Catfish is based on a movie and now an MTV television show. It involves two people and the host and they dive into various online relationships where the two people have never met and try to determine if they have both been truthful with their identities. Spoiler alert: pretty much everyone on the internet is lying about something.

*** Honestly, as a Jew, I have no idea what Lent is. I vaguely know what it’s about, but I thought it would be fun to use a term that I don’t know the meaning to and see what happens. Hopefully I don’t insult anyone.


  1. Your Lent reference works here Josh. I want to know where my credit is for pushing you to do this post, though? And, was the girl ugly or something?

    1. Glad to hear it since no one has told me otherwise. You actually did not push me to write this.

    2. You seem to have missed the whole "girl's picture" thing in my comment