Wednesday, January 2, 2013

How to Make a Good New Year's Resolution

New Year’s Resolutions suck. There, I said it. Seriously, they may as well make a holiday where all of us talk about how lazy we are and get it over with. I remember reading a study that showed 90% or more of us never actually complete our New Year’s Resolutions. What’s more, most of us seem to fall off the wagon within the first ten days. Of course, that gym we joined wanted the first month’s fee up front. Thus, New Year’s Resolutions are essentially worthless. We make them to break them. Now that I have thoroughly trashed New Year’s Resolutions, let us delve into how exactly to make a good one:
Good idea. Lie about other, more important, things. Ahem, I mean, lying is wrong! The truth will set you free.
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1. Come Up with Something Completely Ridiculous

The only reason we make New Year’s Resolutions is because everyone asks us what our Resolution is. Let’s call it what it is, we don’t even like most of the people who ask us what our Resolution is. Thus, it is time to get passive aggressive. Come up with something utterly crazy that will blow them away and get them to never talk to you again. How about brushing your teeth less or putting on a few pounds? Perhaps making out with an inanimate object and posting the video on Youtube? Maybe you want to buy pairs of pants that are three sizes too big so you can motivate yourself to gain a ton of weight? Be creative.

2. Set the Bar Low...Really Low

What’s the issue with all of our Resolutions? They’re too difficult! Resolutions such as “lose 20 pounds” or “work out three times a week” require too much invested effort. Why doesn’t anyone manage their expectations and aim low? If everyone would set their goals at a reasonable level, nobody would be disappointed. How about work out once a week for as short an amount of time as you want? Maybe only eat five boxes of cookies per week instead of six?* Lose five pounds by July.

3. Reverse Psychology
It’s time to trick yourself. We’re all rebels at our core, and it’s obvious that if we set a goal, we’re just going to go rogue for the sake of it. It’s time for reverse psychology. How about telling yourself you won’t kiss a girl this year? Maybe vowing to only wear torn shirts and sweatpants is more your style? This year, it’s time to make less money and spend it more recklessly! You get the point. You’ll naturally disobey yourself, and before you know it, be on your way to an actual New Year’s Resolution you can be proud of.

4. Focus on One Area of Your Life

So, you completed a life inventory and realized that, while you’re amazing in some areas, you’re positively dreadful in one or two. This year, it is time to focus all of your attention on one of those areas that you really need improvement on. Forget everything that you’re good at, and instead, focus all of your attention on that one aspect of your life. Let’s say that area is sleeping. Every night, make sure you get your 8 hours or more by stopping whatever it is that you’re doing and heading to bed. If that means not finishing homework or a project for work, so be it. Do you exercise every single day but still live in your Mother’s basement writing an advice blog?** The it’s time to focus on getting an actual job that pays an actual salary.*** Feel free to completely delete your blog since nobody probably reads it anyway.

5. My Resolutions

Well, if you read the top, then you know that I don’t actually have any legitimate resolutions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a few in mind for what could have been. So here are some of the ones I would have gone with and that I will tell people if they ask me, notice how I used various strategies from above:

- Lose six pounds sometime before May.
- Actually use my college degree.
- Cuddle more, even though 2012 was kind of The Year of the Cuddle.
- Learn how to do something besides cuddling well.
- Get a job that pays less than minimum wage.
- Spend more time on this blog and less time on other, more worthwhile endeavors.
- Cross off some items on my Bucket List.
- Write a new Bucket List which includes more than a few activities that aren’t even that great.
- Torture myself by eating more vegetables.

* Replace that last box with some brownies or something. See? Easy.

** Hey! I am not describing myself here. I do not live in my Mother’s basement. I have my own room.

*** On a completely unrelated note, I will be getting around to this....eventually.

Credit for this idea goes to Nat.

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