Sunday, January 6, 2013

Get a Guy to Ask You Out in 5 Easy Steps

I have said it forever, but women have it easy. You don’t have to take a bullet for your man, you don’t have to hold open doors for your boyfriend, and most importantly, you sure as heck don’t have to go up and ask that guy you adore out. Oh no, that’s his job, and all of you women let me know it loud and clear. You don’t give a rat’s rear how to ask a girl out, you’re a girl and you’re not about to ask a guy out, so the question is: how do you get a guy to ask you out? You don’t want to have to make the first move, you want him to be a man, approach you, and ask you out and within a week, you want to get engaged, I get it. As a guy myself, I have asked out a girl or 16* in my day, and there was definitely something that separated the women I asked out versus the ones I wanted to take out a restraining order on. So, how can you be that women who can get virtually any guy you want to approach you and inevitably ask you out? Here are the best answers I could decipher from various fortune cookies:

1. Gather Information

If you read last week’s post, you know how much value I put on securing information and waiting as long as possible to make even the simplest moves. Women, start your smart phones! This is especially if you have one particular guy you are targeting. You have to check his Facebook, Twitter, personal journal, and every available outlet to find out what he likes. If there is a kernel of information about him out there, you have to know about it. Everything from all of his past girlfriends and their addresses to his underwear size should be memorized.** That way, when you actually get in a conversation with him, you’ll blow him away with all of the cool stuff you have in common. Men love this. Sure, it will take you a month or more to gather this information, but you will love the results you get. Also be sure to note if the women he is pictured with on Facebook generally look like you or not so you can know for sure if you’re his “type.”
2. Check Your Outfit

Decide what you want out of this. Do you want him to throw you against a wall and make-out with you so passionately that you’ll remember the one-night stand for the rest of your life Or, do you want to get into a relationship with this guy and have him stick around for a long time?*** If you want to claw your fingernails into his back within the next three hours, then be honest about it through your clothes. Well, actually, by your lack of clothes. Wear as little as possible or something that is very teasing. I am praying you are looking for something longer term than this, and if that is the case, make sure to match his style as closely as you can and keep it tasteful. Think “Girl Next Door” as opposed to Britney Spears in a music video or anything Ke$ha has in her closet. People tend to gravitate towards people similar to themselves, so dressing in his general style will help you a lot here. How many groups of people hanging out together like they all belong together as opposed to dressing and acting completely different?

3. Look and Act Approachable

If you look angry, look like you haven’t been happy since 1997, or are completely absorbed in your phone without taking a breath, guys probably aren’t going to be flocking to you. That clearly signals to us that you don’t want to talk and/or you really haven’t been happy in 16 years. Maybe you have a good reason to be mad. Perhaps someone just kicked your puppy or your employer informed you that the only reason you aren’t getting a pay decrease is because of minimum wage, either way, we shouldn’t be able to tell. When you’re out and want a guy to come talk to you, smile, look generally joyous, and make eye contact if he makes eye contact with you. You can be sure the number of conversations you have will increase. If you’re scared of talking to guys or have no idea what to say, practice on various cashiers and such.

4. Use Other People for Nefarious Purposes

Alright, alright, so I like using the word “nefarious” even when it doesn’t make any sense, so what? What you can do here is use your friends, especially mutual friends between you and this guy you have the hots for, to your advantage. Ask them piercing questions about whether this guy likes you or not and why in the world he hasn’t asked someone as awesome as you out yet? Seriously, what is his hold-up? Doesn’t he realize you are a woman in demand who any guy would love to be with? He needs to get his ducks in a row and make a move!**** Ahem, in any case, make sure to try to get your and/or his friends to push him along.

5. Dump the Subtle Stuff

So, you’ve been throwing proverbial spit balls at the back of his head and he still doesn’t notice you? Well, you have to consider what the guy you’re after sees. He probably thinks you’re “just being nice” and you “do this with everyone.” I know, right? If you ask most guys who haven’t been on many dates, heck, ask some who have had their fair share of girlfriends, they’ll tell you that they want women to ask them out and make everything easier. Women, on the other hand, want the guy to do everything. Is the solution that no one asks anyone out and we all live single, lonely lives? No! You have to meet him halfway. Start being less subtle with your signals. Instead of asking him what his plans are for the weekend, begin talking about how you have nothing to do on Saturday. If he doesn’t pick up on that, try bringing up something you really want to go to or do. If he still does nothing with that, give up, find a new guy, and go buy yourself a carton of ice cream.

* But hey, who’s counting, right?

** You are going to get him underwear for Christmas, right? How will you know what size to get him if you don’t find out this vital information? Women, for whatever reason, love to buy men clothes. We get it, we don’t dress as nicely as you would like, but come on, get us something cool like a motorcycle jacket or something masculine.
*** There is also a third option where you see a guy and immediately, you know you never want his lips anywhere near close to yours, not in this lifetime nor the next. This option is also known as “the Josh zone.”

**** I don’t actually know why I started ranting there, but I am not about to delete it, so there you go. It is statements like these that keep me up at night.