|See! Those chain emails have consequences. Those of us who don't have 10 friends and barely have four are screwed.|
It was a normal day and I had finally figured out how to access the internet. I went to check my email, and what was waiting for me that day would change the very fate of my entire life. I opened the message and read: “If you forward this to 10 people, you will win $1 million. If you don’t, a naked girl will come to your room and kill you at 2:00 am.” I sat there in shock for a moment and then I jumped in excitement.
SCORE! A real, live, girl. And she was going to be naked, too. All the work would be done for me. I was jubilant. I was 12-years old and I had no idea what a girl even smelled like. Heck, I didn’t even know what kissing or sex even was at that point.* I had to spend an entire day preparing for the arrival of this girl. I prepared absolutely everything.
I opened my window so she would have an easier time getting in. I grabbed some s’mores, chips, and various other food and drink items so we would have something to eat.** I was a bit concerned about that whole “killing me” deal, but I figured my sparkling personality and excellent cuddling skills would prevail and she would fall in love. Just in case, I also grabbed some rope and a shovel in case she got feisty.*** I got into bed and waited. And waited. And waited.
At 2:05 I was slightly worried. At 2:10 I was concerned. And at 2:15, I knew she wasn’t coming. I cried like a 240-pound**** baby. The rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. This female assailant didn’t even think I was good enough to kill. She was probably off murdering much better looking kids. Sadness. I cried myself to sleep that night. I would never trust chain mail again, because even when you don’t do everything they say, the naked girl never actually comes.
And so ends a random story from my childhood. You guys said you wanted to know more about me, and there you go. The story has a happy ending, I guess. Later in life, I realized that one should not have to depend on naked girls crashing through windows to kill me to get a date. There are, surprisingly, easier ways. Whodathunkit?
* Alright, alright, so I wasn’t that innocent. I did know what kissing was, but I still was a sucker for the Stork Story where all newborns were carried by very awkward birds and brought to new parents.
** Admittedly, since I was a fat kid who couldn’t help himself, I ate absolutely everything by 11:00 pm, but my heart was in the right place.
*** Look, I was only going to tie her up so she wouldn’t kill me. When we had talked enough and I could trust her, I was going to let her go.
**** Probably 245-pounds after all of that food I had eaten. My parents were not happy the next day to discover that I had essentially eaten them out of house and home.