Sunday, January 20, 2013

A Naked Girl Tried to Kill Me at 2:00 am a.k.a. My First Chain E-Mail

Do all of you guys remember chain emails? You know, those emails from people you didn’t actually like who would send you stuff like “if you do not forward this to 10 people, a meteor will strike you and your future spouse will marry someone else.” Well, imagine a 12-year old version of me reading one of those for the first time and that is the backdrop for this story. I was so cute back then. I have no idea what happened, either.

See! Those chain emails have consequences. Those of us who don't have 10 friends and barely have four are screwed.

It was a normal day and I had finally figured out how to access the internet. I went to check my email, and what was waiting for me that day would change the very fate of my entire life. I opened the message and read: “If you forward this to 10 people, you will win $1 million. If you don’t, a naked girl will come to your room and kill you at 2:00 am.” I sat there in shock for a moment and then I jumped in excitement.

SCORE! A real, live, girl. And she was going to be naked, too. All the work would be done for me. I was jubilant. I was 12-years old and I had no idea what a girl even smelled like. Heck, I didn’t even know what kissing or sex even was at that point.* I had to spend an entire day preparing for the arrival of this girl. I prepared absolutely everything.

I opened my window so she would have an easier time getting in. I grabbed some s’mores, chips, and various other food and drink items so we would have something to eat.** I was a bit concerned about that whole “killing me” deal, but I figured my sparkling personality and excellent cuddling skills would prevail and she would fall in love. Just in case, I also grabbed some rope and a shovel in case she got feisty.*** I got into bed and waited. And waited. And waited.

At 2:05 I was slightly worried. At 2:10 I was concerned. And at 2:15, I knew she wasn’t coming. I cried like a 240-pound**** baby. The rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. This female assailant didn’t even think I was good enough to kill. She was probably off murdering much better looking kids. Sadness. I cried myself to sleep that night. I would never trust chain mail again, because even when you don’t do everything they say, the naked girl never actually comes.

And so ends a random story from my childhood. You guys said you wanted to know more about me, and there you go. The story has a happy ending, I guess. Later in life, I realized that one should not have to depend on naked girls crashing through windows to kill me to get a date. There are, surprisingly, easier ways. Whodathunkit?

* Alright, alright, so I wasn’t that innocent. I did know what kissing was, but I still was a sucker for the Stork Story where all newborns were carried by very awkward birds and brought to new parents.

** Admittedly, since I was a fat kid who couldn’t help himself, I ate absolutely everything by 11:00 pm, but my heart was in the right place.

*** Look, I was only going to tie her up so she wouldn’t kill me. When we had talked enough and I could trust her, I was going to let her go.

**** Probably 245-pounds after all of that food I had eaten. My parents were not happy the next day to discover that I had essentially eaten them out of house and home.


  1. Like any girl gets "feisty" with you. I'm sure you tell any girl that even looks at you sideways that that's not how you cuddle or something like that.

  2. Oh gosh, I sat down one night at 13 and replied to all my spam, very sincerely! Best part was, some people replied.

    1. Karolina, we need more women like you in the world. I would love to hear what the people who replied back to you said. I've always been too scared to respond to spam.

  3. So there's this guy who I consider my best guy-friend. We've been friends for a good three years and we've never had many arguments. Of course there were still a few. Somewhere along the line I found myslef thinking about him romantically and what it would be like if we dated. We're really close and tell each other everything. He tells me things he can't even tell his guy friends in fear of being judged or mocked. I find it absolutely adorable. His friends have openly teased him for liking someone and hinted it was me, so I know he USED TO like me, but back then I saw him nothing more than a friend and paid him no mind. He also talks about hot girls he's got an eye for with his friends and then asks me what I think about that girl. Obviously he's trying to make me jealous. I cant lie. It's working, but Ill never give him that satisfaction. He also asks me if I have an eye for any guys and I give an honest "No". Im not really looking for a relationship, but he seriously makes me want to reconsider. Typically, we and his guy friends hang out together during the day then at night it ends up just being me and him talking/texting. We've had flirty conversations, but I dont know how seriously Im supposed to take it! We have a very playful natured friendship. We tease each other. Wherever or whenever, he bever fails to make me laugh. He tells me he likes my laugh. Randomly we wont talk for a week or so and I find myself missing him and wondering if he misses me too. Im not really the person to take initiative and message first, but the past few times I thought about how he said he hates when girls dont message first and thought lets break the pattern. The first time it surprised him because he knows me well and knows I never message first. He responds to my messages pretty quickly though, so Im not there staring at the sent message all day. Sometimes he tells me he does miss me, but has just been busy. We arent dating, so I dont feel like I have a right to demand his time. Im also too busy occasionally. Our schedules just dont seem to fit nowadays. Sometimes I just feel like hes deliberately avoiding me. Like Ill see him online, but he hasnt messaged me. But I know he has some family issues and sometimes thats just the case. Sometimes its just a bad day in general. But besides the random breaks from talking, we're pretty much always in contact. But when we talk about romantic emotional things, he seems hesitant to respond and give any solid feedback. Ive even tried playing the low card and tried making him jealous by talking about guys to him. He just tells me "whatever makes you happy". It's frustrating to not know what he feels, but at the same time I dont want to destroy what we have. Im too scared to say how I feel about him, because Im not totally sure if what I feel is even really romantic or just I like our friendship. I also have no idea what he wants. Hes not really a romantic kind of guy. Doesnt even like holding hands, but hes had some serious relationships. But none of these girls started off as just friends. Im starting to think that hes looking for someone else and already eliminated me as an option. Have I really missed my window? I dont want to go out on a limb just to fall flat on my face. I just find myself thinking about him late at night way after our conversations have come to a close and I dont know how I should feel about that. Help?