Wednesday, January 16, 2013

6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get Into Your Pants

LEGAL NOTE: If you are not at least 18-years old, please do not read what follows click the Red "X" now! Thank you in advance.

The Worse Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

We are about to figuratively blow the lid off of a topic some women have wondered about for years. You may have some sneaking suspicions about one or more of your guy friends. You think he may just want to get to know you a little better, but you’re not positive. And when I say "a little better," I mean he wants to have Fifty Shades of Grey style sex with you, in case I wasn't clear.* t cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from women “I am so bad at this dating stuff, I never know when a guy likes me!.” Well, wonder no more, because the answers are mere seconds away. Let’s cut this introduction short and jump right in:

A hug from behind? And these two are supposedly "friends?" What is the world coming to? He wants you! Also, is it just me, or does that guy look like Toby from Pretty Little Liars?
From: lovepanky.com

1. You’ve Been Friends For a Long Time

By the way, “long time” is defined as more than a couple of months. I know I am breaking Guy Code here, but what I am about to say is the truth. If you’re “friends” with a guy, especially for some amount of time, he has thought about the possibility of you and him, well, you know. We can’t help feeling this way, it’s just how it is. We’re the victims of our feelings, really. This doesn’t necessarily mean we would act on any feelings, but know that the feelings exist.

2. The “What Would He Do If...” Test

WARNING: Once you know his one and use it, you'll never be the same again.
Imagine yourself entering his bedroom with few or no clothes, looking him right in the eye and saying “take me.” If, in your fantasy, he would oblige, then he wants you. If he would say something else, then he has no feelings for you. Most women, when they think about it, will probably be surprised with the conclusions they come to.

If your guy "friend" is guilty of any of these, he may want you to take the place of the woman in the picture above. See my note below on Fifty Shades of Grey for why you would probably enjoy it.
From: flickrhivemind.net
3. He’s Jealous

This is a bit of a sneaky trick, but man, is it effective. Casually mention a guy you think might be a good fit for you and see how he reacts. If he seems to have a strong visceral reaction against the aforementioned gentleman, he probably is into you. To be sure, mention another guy or two in the next week and see what he does. What you’re looking for is a trend. If he shoots down every potential suitor, he is more than interested.**

4. Sex Has Come Up


This is another dead giveaway. If you guys have casually spoken about sex, then there is a very good chance he would like to be more than a friend to you. The deeper the conversation gets, the more likely it is he wants you. Guys generally aren’t comfortable talking about deep sexual stuff with just any woman. It has to be the right woman. If this is happening, then the “right” woman is you!***

5. He Has Complimented You

I don’t mean he’s complimented your intelligence or personality, I mean either a body part or something you’ve worn. If he says the skirt you’re wearing looks nice, it means he is really paying attention. Why? Because he’s into you. If he says you have great legs or are generally sexy, then it’s a good bet he has thought about you sexually. Trust me on this one. Actually, if he compliments you at all, you should at least be suspicious that he wants you. Guys don't tend to compliment women they aren't attracted to.

6. Flirting

This might be the strongest indicator, but also the one that goes unnoticed most often. If he is flirting with you in any way, then he is probably into you. What I mean is, does he tickle you or crack jokes that he wouldn’t crack around other people? Maybe you guys are very touchy-feely when you’re together. If you notice any kind of flirting on his end, that is a strong indicator that there is a purpose behind it.


Man, do I feel bad about myself after this post. I feel like I have shed light on a few things that perhaps were better off left shrouded in darkness. I can feel myself being excommunicated from the male community as we speak. I hope it was worth it!

* And women, I have done enough asking around to know that way more of you are into the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff than anyone could have ever imagined. Apparently getting handcuffed, spanked, and giving over complete control to a guy is irresistibly sexy. Who knew? If you are still on the fence if you like this stuff or not and you're a female, you haven't been with the right guy yet, trust me.

** Some of you may be wondering, “well, couldn’t he pretend he doesn’t care when he’s actually dying on the inside?” It’s possible, no doubt, but come on, how many guys know how to scheme and deceive that well? Not many.

*** Yes, for those of you who read the Cuddle Buddies post last week, you now see why it’s so hard to keep those things platonic. Guys don’t spill their guts to anyone, they usually reserve that stuff for someone special.


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251 comments:

  1. Fascinating. You would think I could read men better seeing as I live with one, but there were some things in here I had never thought about.

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    1. Sharon, I am very pleased to know I can enlighten you even though you are probably more of an expert on men than me.

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    2. I actually knew about all this, just wanted to see if there was anything I didn't know.

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    3. Hey Anonymous,

      Hopefully it entertained you if nothing else.

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  2. Josh, you were already excommunicated from the male community for other reasons. While I do think you generalize in a few areas, on the whole, this is legit. I will say, though, that if anyone tells anyone else that they are sexy, that's about the easiest thing to figure out. Very on the nose.

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    1. I do not wish to recall what those other reasons are. For the sake of time and space, it is a bit general, but yes, this stuff is absolutely legitimate.

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  3. Hahahaha, hardly an expert on men. I married the first man I dated in college. :)

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  4. I'd like to think of myself as an oblivious blimp. To an extent I can see guys into me, aaaaand I ignore them.

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  5. Wow Josh, you have really proven that all you men actually do know what you're doing around women after all! I always just thought that you guys were mostly completely unconscious about how you all acted around us women. I will admit that's it's quite refreshing to hear you as a man cop to all your tricks and unconscious and slightly embaressing attempts to get us women....especially in reality....we already knew all of these things. Have known them for a LONG time now actually. I still enjoyed this post none the less however. ;)

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  6. @Sharon: I hope in your marriage you have learned a trick or two. You are too modest.

    @Lyndley: We're just good actors. We pretend we don't know that we're throwing out hints and using strategies, but we absolutely are. Yes, I have already been chastised by the male community for admitting some of these. They are not happy with me. You know what they say, if something doesn't work, keep trying it over and over and eventually it will work! Some girl will fall for us. Thank you for the compliment. Glad you enjoyed it.

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  7. Ok...please answer... i am having issues.. so my "guy friend asked me to sneak out a couple of days ago... i did it was probably a stupid idea but i did... we where watching a movie when he put his arm around me and we cuddled for about thirty min... then we made out and got farther... btw... i like him and yes he has a girlfriend... he now wont talk to me... what does he mean or what is he doing???

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    1. Hi Anonymous. First, thank you for landing here and reading my post. I really appreciate. Second, thank you for posting a question. Let's see what we can do:

      Here is my best guess. This "guy friend" does like you at some level. At the very least, he is attracted to you. Guys who are not attracted to a girl do not ask her to sneak out and do what he did with you. I imagine he does like you because guys don't cuddle with girls they don't like at an emotional/mental level.

      His relationship with his girlfriend probably has some cracks, and, in all likelihood, him and her were having an issue when he sought you out. He found comfort in you, a girl he likes, and succumbed to his feelings. However, the next day, he and her probably reconciled and he doesn't want to break up with her. He feels guilty about what he did with you and he either told her what happened (unlikely) or he chooses to try and forget about it and cut you out of his life, at least temporarily. Don't be surprised if he shows up out of the blue again.

      You are in a pretty unfortunate situation from where I sit. You seem like a really nice person who deserves a guy who cares about her. Unfortunately, you have fallen for a guy who likes you back, but is clearly playing games with you. I recommend moving on and realizing you can do better. Let's take a best case scenario: He breaks up with her and gets together with you. Fantastic, you are now the proud owner of a guy who has cheated on his girlfriend. What's to say he won't do the same thing to you? Please realize that in the grand scheme of things, he's only going to hurt you, one way or another.


      Good luck to you and please keep us all updated! I hope it works out for you.

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  8. Thanks for this article. It was really helpful and detailed. I'm in a kind of odd situation. I have a guy friend that's showing all of those signs, but he's also throwing curveballs in the mix.

    We've been spending time together for 5 months (movies, hiking, he cooks dinner for us all the time). Our normal hang out sessions last 7+ hours. We've never done anything physically more than a hug hello and goodbye. Here's the thing, he proposed a friends with benefits situation, but I told him I was a virgin and that I would want more than just a hook up and didn't want to ruin our friendship since he's only looking for something casual. After that, he starts hooking up with other girls and telling me about it, even though I keep telling him I don't want to know. He also keeps telling me I should get laid, but now when I confront him and say that he keeps saying that because he wants me, he is adamant that he does not want me that way. He says he would never do that to me that I'm special and he doesn't want to ruin what we have as friends. He even says he was joking about the friends with benefits thing. Still, every time we hang out (usually twice a week) he's talking to me about his sexcapades and telling me I should get laid. He even tried to set me up with a guy that he knew was a player even though I told him I was looking for a committed relationship. I came to believe things were just platonic until he started noticing other guys (not the idiots he wanted to set me up with) were interested in me and I was interested in them. As soon as this happened, he would start treating the guy very badly, be rude to him, unfriend him on facebook, etc. We work together so these are guys that also work with us. He's done this twice already. Then he has the nerve to ask me every time we get together whether I've met a guy yet. I told him it's not his business, but it doesn't stop him and it never fails. I am so confused. What is he trying to do? Drive me crazy?!

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    1. Hi Anonymous. Thank you for not only reading this article, but also your great comment/question. I have been stewing in my juices for about 20 minutes or so thinking about this. He very well may be trying to drive you crazy!

      Obviously he wants you. It looks like he wants the fairytale friends with benefits type deal where you guys are friends, but are sexual with one another. He obviously doesn't want the commitment of a relationship with you, for whatever reason. I suspect that is because he still wants to go out and date/see other girls. However, at the same time, he is being pretty possessive over you and acting like you are "his girl," even though you aren't.

      Here is how I see it: He didn't know his feelings for you were as strong as they are, but he knows he is jealous when other guys take notice of you, so he tried to reverse-engineer the process to try and get you jealous so you would give in to what he wants you to do: get sexual with him. Of course, you, being a high-quality woman who refuses to fall for his petty games, denied him (good for you, by the way. I'm proud of you for staying strong and staying true to yourself, for what it's worth).

      All that stuff about wanting you to find a guy and only wanting you as a platonic friend? Yeah, that's all a bunch of lies to make sure you aren't dating anyone and lessen the blow of your rejection. The old "oh, I never wanted her anyway," line us guys tell ourselves when we're rejected. Think about it: If you tell him tomorrow that you're ready to have sex with him, is he really going to tell you no? I doubt it.

      Again, thank you for your question/comment. Please keep us updated!

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    2. Thank you, Josh for getting back to me so quickly. I feel much better now and not half as crazy as before. I wanted to test your theory so when we were having dinner a few nights ago and he started with the, "have you met your guy yet/it's never going to happen between us/you need to talk to the guy across the room and take him home" thing that he always does, I actually told him about two guys I met this week (normally I just say it's none of his business). Immediately he starts criticizing them, "Where did you guys meet? What does he do? Oh, a server, drop him. You've waited this long, you should be sleeping with a rich guy not a poor one." "What about this other guy, where did you meet him? At your dance studio? He's gay, drop him too." I had to hold in my laughter. You were so right. He's just trying to make sure I don't get too serious with anyone. Either way, he's leaving town for two months and I think it'll be a good thing for our relationship. Time and space is always a good test of intentions. He says he wants to keep in touch and that he'll miss me and keep me in his heart, but it will be interesting to see what the friendship will be like when he returns. Thanks again, Josh.

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    3. You're Welcome! Thank you for the update. As I suspected, it is a classic case of jealousy. He lays it on thick like he cares about you so much, but when push comes to shove, if you're not with him, he doesn't want you to be happy with another guy. This two month break seems like the perfect excuse to get out there, explore your options, and be free. Good luck to you.

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  9. Hi Josh,
    I too am in an interesting situation. I am married(happily) for going on eight years and enjoying the friendship of one of his close "guy friends". There is nothing physical going one other than the occasional hand brushing when we pass eachother a bowl or plate when we(friend, hubby and I) are eating together. After reading numerous articles regarding flirting, I feel that there is something there beyond a friendship. Examples are: very long eye glances followed by a smile, recently starting to stand very close to me, he is very protective of me and always trying to help me out. He has also complimented me a couple times in front of my hubby(shoes related). He is single and has been for at least ten years. I understand I shouldnt feel this way about his friend, this all just happened over the course of a couple years. I either feel that he is lonely and desperate or he may actually like me more than a friend. I feel all this started when he was tutoring me with my physics class since he knew the subject and offered to help.

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    1. Also he does look at me first after he makes a joke and we have gone to see movies and done archery alone before.

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    2. He does like you, but you guys seem trapped in this zone where neither one of you is willing to call out what it is. Is that possible? Could you be straight with him and ask what the deal is in a serious manner? What would you like to happen?

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  10. Ok....I'm waiting to hear the next response..Im in a situation much like hers and im dying to k.ow whats happening!!

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  11. I have many guy friends. Usually my guy friends have been just that.....friends! Over the last 6 years, I have been hanging with a friend whose boys are my godsons. In the last few years we have gotten closer. He says that he has no feelings for me, but acts weird around me. His friends say that he has feelings for me. We have been in situations where I felt that we probably would of jumped into bed, but something stopped us. He has had many girlfriends and I should say, that I am married. Lately, he has been getting angry with me about anything. There seems to be tension between since I told him over a year ago that I had feelings for him. So much involved in keeping this friendship!

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    1. First, I would caution you that most of your guy "friends" probably wanted more than just your friendship. Think back on those friendships and you'll probably find more than a few examples of a gentleman wanting more, but your marital status or another excuse probably stopped them from making a formal move.

      Six years is a long time. If a guy feels any attraction for you, which in this case, it seems painfully obvious that he is attracted to you, in six years, something is bound to happen. You would be hard-pressed to find a guy who stuck around for that long and has "gotten closer" to you in the last few years who wants a purely platonic friendship.

      I am guessing what stopped you was him and if he had taken the lead and been a man, you two would have had something sexual take place. From the sound of it, you had accepted that getting sexual was a possibility, but it was up to him to make the move and he was too hesitant to do it.

      Your marital status, obviously, complicates things. I'm not the morality police, but if you do have feelings for him, I would strongly recommend reconsidering your marriage. I know nothing about the man you're married to or anything else, but obviously, having feelings like this is not a good thing for a happy, healthy marriage.

      The man's anger is very possibly frustration because he wants to be with you. How would you feel if you had to spend time with someone you wanted sexually for six years? It would be painful. In closing, if this is a "friendship," I would love to see what courtship leading to a romantic relationship looks like!

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  12. I have been having issues lately and I am wondering if you can help me out. I have this guy friend and we have been friends for about 5 years now. This past school year we both reached out to each other. We became really close and I consider him my best guy friend. We text almost every night for hours at a time. People believe we should date and that we would be cute together but he doesn't date. He says he doesn't like me like that and I say I don't know. He has helped me with guys before. I always go to him for advice and he always says the right thing. People think he likes me and lately I believe he might too. He has been acting strangely lately. The other night, we talked for longer than usual and I know I flirted with him. He did back. But it can be hard to tell with him. He told me I should make him a sign to hang on his wall. I agreed. Also, he helped me pick what food to make myself and he said, "As long as you're happy" Usually he is just really sarcastic and blunt about things but lately he has been acting sweet to me as well as his usual attitude. Strange. Months ago, I think someone told him I like him because he teased me for a while about something someone told him about me and him but he couldn't tell me because they told him not to. And the fact that I like him is the only thing I hide from him. I just don't know what to do about this. I mean, I have an idea I would just like an unbiased opinion. Here is the weirdest thing so far: He wanted to sneak out to see me. I was talking to him earlier tonight and I asked him when we were gonna hang out next so I could give him the sign he wanted me to make him. He told me if he could, he might come over tonight. That was at 10:30. He never leaves the house that late or anything like that. And we never hang out just the two of us. We are usually in a group of people. But he lives around the block from me. So, I just said okay. I got another text from him after midnight telling me that he wasn't gonna be able to come over tonight because his mom fell asleep on the couch. Mind you, he never disobeys her at all. He is a good kid and adorably cares about her a lot. But, I just said that it was fine and he replied and said but if she moves he can probably get out. I said whatever you wanna do. So that was it. He didn't end up seeing me tonight but he reassured me we would hang out again soon. Which is also strange because I am ALWAYS the one to ask him to hang out. I am so confused. I was wondering if you could help me. Thank you!

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    1. I will try to keep this short: How much longer are you going to put up with this torture? My stomach is in knots just reading that. Seriously, he's a guy and he should be making the first move, but he clearly isn't. Five years is a long time. In the time you guys have been hanging out, I have been in two relationships. You have to say something. Will it wreck the friendship if he says no? Very possibly, but what is the alternative. If you want to be more coy, ask him to do something a couple might do and see what he does. When you guys are hanging out, maybe touch him more playfully or something and see if he takes the hint.

      One of two things are happening in his mind: 1. He likes you and is terrified of actually making a move. 2. He is struggling with whether he likes you or not. I am leaning toward number one because this is not a normal guy-girl friendship at all. Say something or hang out with him in a more intimate setting (something that will bring you guys close and create touching, such as ice skating, rollerblading, or even miniature golf works here) will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck, please post back what happens.

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    2. So, I started talking to him a lot more and we were flirting with each other a lot. We helped each other through some rough stuff and I realized I should tell him. But instead, I made him tell me what he thought about me. He told me what he liked about me. I asked him exactly how special I am to him. It took a while for me to get it out of him but he admitted that he did like me for a while he just couldn't commit. He really was scared out of his mind. But he came around and asked me out the next day. We have only been together for a few days and things are moving at an easy and slow pace. I am really happy. But both of us have never been in relationships before so it is a little strange for both of us. I am glad that I said something to him.

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    3. This is awesome. I love it. Thank you so much for coming back and sharing. Good luck to both of you! Congratulations for getting your guy!

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    4. Thank you for all of the advice!

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  13. Hi so their is this guy that i have a crush on, we had been talking every single day and going out to the movies and cruising around in the car for like a month . Nothin happened we just flirted and talk because i had a boyfriend. He would always want to hang out and occasionally told me i was pretty but he had a car accident and was in comma hes getting better and this week he is going back home I want things to continue the way they were but his ex girlfriend who he was in love with and maybe he still idk for 3 years wants to get back with him ! What should I do?

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    1. Hey little m, thanks for reading and commenting. Unfortunately, it is out of your hands. If he wants to get back with his ex, there's nothing you can really do. If he does choose her over a chance with you, do you really want him anyway?

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  14. Hi! Thank you so much for your article; it was really insightful.

    I'm having a bit of an issue. I've been friends with this guy I met in college for about a year and a half now. Initially, we were in a flirtationship and tried dating, but it didn't work out so he friendzoned me (yikes!) because he said that he liked me, but not enough to want a relationship. Basically, I wasn't ''girlfriend material''.

    Nevertheless, we remained really good friends and he's opened up to me quite a bit about past relationships, his ambitions, family, personal life and such. We've had a lot of one-on-one outings this summer.

    Well recently, I began to grow distant from him. I stopped texting him, asking him to hang out, being bubbly and flirty because I figured ''Hey! He's made it clear that he doesn't see you romantically; so respect his decision.''

    Well he has been acting up ever since. For the past few weeks, it's been him doing the texting first. He comments on all of my pictures, sometimes saying really annoying things to get my attention. Two weeks ago, he texted me to ask me about a girl giving him all the right signals and whether or not he was ''in the game'', and I just had a gut feeling that he was trying to make me jealous. And every time we hang out now, he puts his arm around me and pulls me into his chest. The physical contact has been progressively increasing ever since. I've tried to brush it off at first, but it's really getting to me.

    Does he just miss the attention or does he actually like me now?

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    1. Hi Anonymous! Thank you for reading and replying. I thoroughly enjoyed your post. It seems as if you already know the answer. I would recommend using your female intuition to figure this one out, and it looks like you have. How many times have you had a gut feeling, such as the one you are currently having that he's trying to make you jealous, and it's been wrong? I bet not too often. I would tend to agree with what you are implying here, that he is simply missing the attention and wants it back from you, and he is willing to go to great lengths to get it.

      I would recommend calling him out on it and/or moving on and dropping him. Seriously. A girl who writes as eloquently as you who probably has a good head on her shoulders can do better than a guy who didn't want you at first, but now does. You deserve to be a guy's first option, not the one he runs back to when he misses your presence. Good luck! Please keep us updated.

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    2. Thank you for your prompt reply and for all your kind words! What a confidence boost that was haha...

      Yes, I suppose you're right. I do deserve to be someone's first option as opposed to their last resort. I've always been reluctant to trust my gut instinct because I always fear that I choose to feel what I want to believe instead of what's real.

      I guess I'll have to call him out on it eventually. It's not fair that he can toy with my mind like this while I'm stuck trying to figure him out with my friends and his (he has displayed the physical behavior in front of them and they're just as puzzled by this turn of events). He knows how emotionally charged our history is after all.

      Wish me luck then! I'll keep you updated, no problem.

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    3. No problem! Any time. You definitely do deserve to be someone's first option, you just need some confidence. You've got this. The more I hear about this guy, the less I like. And with tone of your reply, you feel the same way. Good luck! Thank you for keeping this updated. It's always nice hearing the beginning and ending of a story, you know?

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    4. Thank you, Josh. He's not an inherently bad person, but I believe that he's still immature (relationship-wise), and that leads him to do childish, incomprehensible things at times.
      I think I sort of, half-gently, indirectly confronted him yesterday.
      He offered to walk me to the bus stop from our campus (it was kind of late), and he started telling me about how he was so busy with work, school and his sports as of late. Somehow, girls got tied into it, and the conversation spiraled down to "I don't think I'd have time to develop a new relationship with anybody else, but if say... *he names pretty much every girl he's had a thing with in the past EXCEPT for me* came around and said "let's start fresh", I wouldn't mind." Good grief, I just wanted to curl up in a ball. I don't understand what he's trying to do anymore. It's like he expects me to grovel at his feet.
      Anyway, one of the girls that he named had the same name as one of my best friends, and he knows her, so I jokingly suggested "Not my Amanda, right?" and he responded "No, I'm not into her....And plus, I know you would be really pissed if I did." to which I replied "Nah, I don't really care." This kind of caught him off guard. He responded "What? But a few months ago, you said it would bother you." "Well yeah, but I had feelings for you at the time." "So, you wouldn't say anything?" "I wouldn't care." He paused, smirked and then said "Well then, I'll keep that in mind." to which I replied "Don't count on it too much." since my friend's not into him at all.
      I haven't seen him since then. I was wondering if this exchange would discourage him enough to stop trying to get all touchy-feely with me? I really don't want to have to go through "the talk" unless it's necessary.

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    5. Oh man. You "I think I sort of, half-gently, indirectly confronted him yesterday." Guys don't do subtle very well, and I think you know that. If you're going this in-depth and analyzing conversations to this extent, I'm not sure you want to have "the talk" with him. Clearly he's trying to get under your skin and you're letting him. With most guys, we have to have it brought to our attention, and in quite a few cases, you have to smack us with the proverbial 2 x 4. This is clearly getting to you and again, you ask a lot of questions you already know the answers to. If another girl was in your shoes and you were watching it all go down, you know how you'd react and what you would think of both parties. You've got this.

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  15. Hi! Thank you for the the article, I had actually thought of a lot of these things myself but I like the way you write and enjoyed it it nonetheless. I need some advice on a guy friend situation. It's sort of a long story but ill try to condense it.
    We met junior year of high school and we became friends, although not best friends and we didn't hang out a lot. He had a thing for me and I always knew he did but I wasn't attracted to him so we never dated. Senior year, we got really close, especially towards the end of the year and we started hanging out a lot more. Randomly, him and one of my best friends decided they like each other and wanted to date, but they never did due to some family issues she had and they havent talked much since. After graduation, I went on a trip to the beach with some friends and he went to. We got pretty touchy on this trip, cuddling amd stuff, but I never kissed him because im afraid if I cross that line we'll never be able to go back. We never got as touchy as we did on that trip, but we kept hanging out and stuff. Anyway, we're both in college now although I still live at home but he's only a couple hours away and and comes to visit his family up here often. He's visiting right now, and he got me 16 red roses in a fancy vase for my birthday that just passed. when he handed them to me I was so surprised, and my hands were full so I couldnt hug him which I know he at least deserved a hug from me. It's hard because I'm dying to know what it would be like with him, physically. But I know I don't want to date him, so I dont make a move, because we can't go back to being friends after that and I dont want a relationship with him, so it would be a selfish waste. I know he's afraid of losing me so he doesnt make a move if im not giving him signals you know. I don't know what to do with the relationship. His liking me isnt stopping him from pursuing other girls though, since im not really giving him anything, which is good for him, but when he talks about other girls I feel really jealous. We talk all the time and I trust him a lot, and if I had that attraction with him I would date him. But you cant pick who you're attracted to you know? Should I just keep up what we have going? Or should I talk to him about what are relationship is? I know I'm part of the problem for not knowing what i want, but I don't know what to do.

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  16. It seems you are pretty upfront about the male mindset, so maybe you can help me understand this man's behavior? It has been haunting me for a long time. He robbed me of an entire year of my emotional life, and I'd appreciate any insight I can get.

    In winter of 2012, we became close very quickly. We got along very well and seemed to love each other's company. He invited me into his circle of friends and frequently contacted me. It wasn't long before he started making romantic gestures (one-on-one dates that included long walks, trips to the beach, etc.) and stating romantic thoughts. After about the third date or so, he became cold and disinterested. He blew off our plans, took days to reply to my texts, and would cancel with me at the last minute (at least he did this over the phone). Like any reasonable women would do, I took the hint and stopped talking to him. He broke my heart and had me in emotional agony for months.

    He then contacted me after two months of not speaking. He managed to "pull me back in" and received a great deal of pleasure from doing so, but never made any moves to meet up or even explain what happened earlier on. Again, I was still heartbroken and couldn't handle being in contact with him, so I cut him off. He contacted me again two months later, at which point we had a fight. He told me then that he was unwilling to risk a woman “ripping out his heart” again.

    We were scheduled to work together for four weeks. Knowing that he didn’t want to be with me, I didn't avoid flirting or interacting with other men while he was around. This made him jealous, angry, and hostile. He began insulting me and belittling me. There were even a few occasions where he outright yelled out me or tried to start a fight. In addition, he directed multiple sexual comments in my direction and even forced me to hug him or touch him on a few occasions.

    At the end of our work period together, he took me aside to "give me closure". He told me he didn't want to be with me and that he was pursuing a relationship with someone else-- he said that he had "commitment issues" and that we had "too many problems" for it to possibly work. He just wanted to have fun and "explore his options". He emphasized that he still wanted to remain friends, and I reluctantly accepted. He announced his relationship with this woman three weeks later.

    We were assigned to different locations on the next project, so I went months without seeing or speaking to him. He then contacted me out of the blue (now winter 2013) to tell me that his girlfriend had dumped him, he was in poor emotional health, etc. I shortly ended the conversation when I realized I was still quite heartbroken... and told him I no longer wanted to speak to him. He apologized for hurting me and we agreed to stop talking.

    He contacted me again last week to tell me that he missed me and wanted to talk again. He even made offers to meet up. We are going on to 2014 now. I politely declined and told him I still did not want to speak to him anymore.

    Any thoughts? I have very strong unwanted feelings for this man, so every time he contacts me he re-opens my wounds. I practically have an emotional breakdown each time, and it takes me months to recover.

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    1. Wow. Thank you for your long and very thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

      First, what follows might be tough love, but you seem smart and articulate, and I suspect you already know that what follows this is the truth. Based solely on your post, you use impeccable spelling and grammar, which leads me to believe you have your life together in most aspects. That's a good thing.

      I have not only been in a similar spot as you have, I may or may not have partaken in one or more of the activities that your "friend" is now unleashing on you. Know this: you are not his first choice. That much is clear. Men don't play these types of games with their first options. I would never do any of these things to my fiancée. Ever.

      In the best case, he is a boy who does not have his life together and wants to fly by the seat of his pants and trample over your emotions in the process, although he is unaware he is doing you any harm. If you believe this is the case, he is incredibly selfish for not even taking your emotions into account. However, I tend to doubt this is what is going on. He seems to know exactly what he is doing.

      Instead, I believe the guy you are in this mess with is an abusive manipulator. Whenever he wants you, he showers you with affection and makes you light up on the inside. When he is chasing someone he wants more, he casts you off and acts rudely or completely ignores you. What right does he have to yell at you for flirting? None. He wants to own you just to make sure no other guy can have you. You are his safety net. Don't you think you deserve better than to be treated like this? I think you do.

      There is an old saying: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. You let him fool you twice and now he has come back to attempt the emotionally violent act a third time in three straight years. You were right to halt his advances this time. I have been in your shoes and any time a particular girl spoke to me, I was broken. Please cut off all contact with this guy. And I mean all contact. No Facebook, No Twitter, block his texts by blocking his number. And don't talk to him. You can't be "friends" because friends don't treat each other this way. He is no friend to you.

      I know you can do it. Good luck.

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  17. Hi Josh!
    Wow! Thanks for all that info!
    Right now I'm trying to understand this guy friend of mine...maybe you can help...?
    So, while having relationship problems with my current boyfriend I got close to a mutual friend of ours (I know... I was bad!) Anyways, he showed all of the above signs. We were texting frequently. It went on for about 4month. I was the one who always started the conversation, but he kept them going asking how I was doing and was just super nice and sweet. He knew about my relationship problems and that my bf and I almost broke up and that he was giving me time. I was very attracted to him , but finally had to decide and make it work with my bf. I felt guilty over our "secret friendship" and finally texted my friend that being friends was not as easy as I thought and that I was confused, felt guilty and was trying to make it work with bf again. He didn't really understand why I felt guilty, since we hadn't seen each other in over a month. I explained it was over our secret texting. He said that we either had to cut off contact or I had to tell my bf that I wanted to be friends with him without feeling sneaky. I managed to talk to my bf and texted my friend that everything was ok. He said he was happy to hear that, but after that, he pretty much stopped answering my texts...which never happened before! It sounds now like he was into me or smthg...but why didn't he say smthg while I was having relationship problems? Or is he mad that I jeopardized his friendship with my bf without him knowing (although I'm pretty sure he knew my bf wasn't aware of our texting). Or did it freak him out when I said I was confused and he got that I had a crush on him? Or does he just think he doesn't need all that drama? He is basically ignoring me and I think also my bf. What gives? What should I do? Problem is, alhough I made my choice wirh my head (bf is good guy) I have strong feelings for my friend....what to do?

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      What an interesting situation you have gotten yourself into. There's one clear theme I see throughout this entire post: you like this "friend." And I mean really like him. You have spent a decent amount of time thinking about what your friend thinks about you and your friendship, and yet, it doesn't appear as if you care too much about what your boyfriend thinks about the whole ordeal.

      My fiancée and I both acknowledge that there are attractive people in the world, but I am not attracted to anyone but her. Additionally, I have never, in the entire time we've been together, truly cared about what another women has thought of my relationship with her nor put much stock into what she thought of me. Why? Because I love my fiancée and only want to be with her. It is obvious things are not too rosy in your current relationship. I have to ask why you're with him. It's clear you like this other gentleman and that there are some serious issues in your current relationship. Do you see yourself with your current guy a year from now? I don't think you do.

      In any case, from my vantage point, your friend's take on your situation is understandable given that he is a guy. Guys generally believe cheating is a physical thing. To us, making out, having sex, and everything in between is cheating. Simple, no? So, from his prospective, nothing happened between you two, which is why you saying you felt uncomfortable caught him off guard. While you didn't physically cheat, you did cheat emotionally. I would venture a guess that you were emotionally vulnerable with this new guy in ways you shouldn't be with anyone outside of your significant other. That's cheating, or at least hardcore toeing the line, in most cases. You know that, which is why you said something.

      So, what is he thinking? Your guy friend had a mild interest in you, it seems. No guy will sit there and text/talk back and forth with you about your problems or about your life for a month or more if he doesn't care about you at least a little. However, he is giving off strong clues that he doesn't like you back very strongly. He never contacts you first when most guys will virtually always contact a girl first if they like her. Most striking, however, was when he completely cut off all contact with you when he found out that you told his friend. That was probably the clincher for him and you'll have to do nearly herculean things to get him interested in you again. As to your questions, you probably did both freak him out, for reasons discussed above, and you were now not only causing drama, but he knows that you thought you guys had a kind of relationship. It's probably best to move on and let it go.

      As an aside, I would also recommend thinking about your current relationship. Sure, your boyfriend stayed with you, but do you really want to be with him? At the end of the day, "he's a good guy" is the best you can come up with? Don't you think you deserve someone who you want completely and totally in every way? I think you do. Not only that, but I think he deserves the same thing. He deserves a woman who cares about him completely and loves him in every way.

      Good luck to you.

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    2. Wow..your answer really hit me. I feel awful! I feel like a fool, totally pathetic and embarrassed w/my friend. Guilty and just like a horrible person w/my bf. You must know, I've been w/my bf for 11+ yrs and I have loved him like crazy. Never ever had eyes for anyone else. Whatever he said, he wanted, I made sure I was the perfect gf for him until he believed it too. I was madly in love and was terrified of losing him. We had the perfect relationship...everybody thought so. I don't know what happened 6months ago that made me suddenly fall out of love. I felt pressured and this other guy was like a relieve. I feel so bad now. How could I? I'm the kind of person I've always criticized. And no, he is not just a good guy, we are family, we've been best friends. He has been my everything. .I don't know what happened... As for my friend..I feel pathetic, so embarrassed! I hope I never ever run into him... how could I even think he was into me? Maybe because he was the one who said he found it difficult to be friends w/me and then came looking for me anyways 2 weeks later, after I did not talk to him at all. I know he was attracted to me...but I guess that's just how guys are different from women.
      Thanks for your insights...I don't know if I saw myself w/my bf a year from now before...but this puts things in perspective and I have to fall back in love w/him again. I told him about the emotional cheating...we have always been honest about everything. I don't understand why this happened...we are good people and were happy...

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    3. I do wish you the best of luck and it sounds like you do have a plan of action, which is good. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, though. Everyone makes mistakes, you're not a bad person. The worst case scenario, both of you, your boyfriend and you, will find your way in the end.

      Delete
  18. Hi Josh!

    I stumbled on your blog and found your post and replies to the other readers very helpful. My situation is slightly different and i would really love to know what you think about it! So here it is...

    I've a close guy friend that i knew through work for a few years now. We're still working at the same place and in our years of knowing each other, he is aware that i'm in a very stable long distance relationship.

    We are close colleagues as well as we're from the same lunch group. He would wait for me to have lunch or help me get food when i'm too busy to eat. We would also hang out, just the two of us or with some others, outside working hours.

    I didn't think anything was wrong until a few colleagues commented that we were "too close". So i tried to explain that he's just a bro to me. He's also a very touchy-feely sort of guy who has many close female friends.

    Anyway, it was only half a year ago that he started to get more touchy with me. Like putting his arms around me and hugging me tightly. That kinda threw me off because our friendship was never like this and i got uncomfortable. Recently i went through some pretty bad times and our relationship became slightly strained so when we met up again, i opened up myself more and we got physically comfortable with each other.

    I don't know where this is heading to but as much as possible, i want to keep the friendship without feeling like i'm betraying my bf. Would appreciate if you can give me some comments on this! Thanks.

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    1. Hey Anonymous, thank you for the kind words.

      From how you describe this situation, it seems to be a pretty open and shut case. You and I both know this other guy would like something more than a friendship. Even without outside influence, it is obvious something is going on there. When you stated that some of your colleagues made a comment to the effect that you guys are closer than friends, well, that truly was the kicker for me and should have been for you. A guy "friend" should not make you feel uncomfortable.

      I have two questions for you: First, have you explained the situation to your long-distance boyfriend in detail? Second, if he had this kind of relationship with a woman he worked with, how would you react? At least for me, I know I would not feel comfortable if my fiancée were in this type of situation. I would not be happy about her having this close of a "friend" in the slightest. Your miles may vary and I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have in terms of openness, so my reaction might not apply in your case.

      My advice: If you think something fishy is going on, you have to decide what you really want. Is your friendship with your work colleague that important? If it is, I would call out the elephant in the room that some of his actions are awkward for you. A true friend would respect your opinion on the matter, a guy just wanting to get in your pants would continue to proceed regardless of your objections. If you don't think your friendship is that important, cutting him out wouldn't be the worst thing you could do. Good luck!

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  19. Hey, I need help. I'm 20 years old and I've been friends with this guy since we were 15. Over the past few years we've become much closer, and have started hanging out one-on-one a lot more (when we used to only hang out in groups). We've been drinking a lot together and I drunkenly told him that I'm into S&M rape fantasy type shit...and he was like, "that's soooooo hot." I also feel so comfortable around him that the other night I broke down to him about how I've been cutting again after 7 years (which btw no one else even knows about) and how I'm an ugly worthless piece of trash and wish I was dead etc. etc. And he sent me this like, 5 page text about how I am a "beautiful, intelligent, creative human being who is an asset to this world," etc. Which of course made me tear up, and gave me a warm fuzzy feeling... I read that text over and over again for probably an hour or so.
    I know for sure now that I have a huge emotional crush on him, but am not quite sure if I can ever see myself sleeping with him... and does any of that even mean that he's into me anyway? Or was he just being a super good friend by making me feel better and making sure I don't kill myself? I'm so oblivious and this whole situation has been consuming my mind lately. Also side note: ever since that incident, I've been having very vivid sex dreams about him, but I believe that it is all my subconscious because when I'm awake, I'm not quite sure that I want to have sex with him? It's all so confusing ugh.

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    1. Hey YM, thanks for posting. I believe this guy is definitely into you. Ask yourself: if you walked into his room, took off your clothes, and said "take me," would he sleep with you? I am thinking that yes, he would. In fact, I am pretty sure he wants you, at least over 90% certain. A guy won't do any of the above stuff if he doesn't care about you. If you would have told your secret to another guy, he probably wouldn't have cared nearly as much, thus, this guy truly does care for you.

      However, I do have a bit of a curveball for you: Do you even want him sexually? It sounds as if you're unsure, at best. Maybe you just want to go on a trial run with him and see how it works? Have you guys ever kissed, cuddled, or done anything sexual together? The downside is that it might wreck your friendship, but it's obvious you guys have long since crossed the "just friends" barrier. A regular guy would not be doing half of these things with a girl he was "just friends" with.

      Finally, I do have to say, it seems like you have a rather low self-esteem, which, in your case, I believe to be completely unjustified. Just by the way you write, I believe you are a far better and more valuable person than you think you are. Trust me when I say, if one guy believes that about you, as the guy you are describing obviously does, more will and I'm sure more do. You just have to believe it. Oh, and trust me, you are not even remotely weird for liking S&M rape fantasy stuff. I would say the majority of the women I've talked to/dated were into that kind of stuff to some extent and I never, ever, would have expected it just by looking at them.

      To sum up, the world and your relationship with this guy are in your hands. Whatever happens next is up to you because it will be you who gets to decide.

      Delete
  20. Hey Josh,
    I love your blog and the straight advice you give. I've found myself in something of a conundrum I suppose and would like your take on it. Let me start with saying I am married and have been for a long while. My husband is aware of everything I'm telling you, although not so much how much I'm bothered by it.

    Over the course of a year I've become close to a work partner of mine. We work virtually and have never met in person. As the story almost always goes, it was most certainly platonic initially. We frequently acknowledged how much we both love working together because we have complimentary work styles, similar drives, likes and dislikes, and just make "sense" to the other. We have quite a few inside jokes and have supported each other personally. It started with me helping him work through some personal issues with his girlfriend (nothing negative). I came to trust him because of all that I knew about him and also began opening up to him.

    It all was fine for months, and then I felt some intensity kick up. He sent me a work related note one night saying he wasn't going to be working on the project as much and that he wanted to let me know because, and I quote, "I love you". I wasn't sure how sincere that note was although I felt at that time that he'd do anything for me(as a friend). I did begin intuiting that his feelings were more than friendly. He began telling me mildly negative things about his fiance and more recently suggested I call his mother and talk about a topic of mutual interest. I was flattered and told him so. In fact, I frequently find myself flattered by him. He has never complimented me physically although we are FB friends and know what the other looks like. We've seen each other on video too. But he compliments me on everything else(i.e I have a beautiful way of thinking). I've still strongly interpreted his behavior as friendly, and it may have been, if only it weren't for his new behavior....

    Recently he suggested we meet in person. He was going to be in town. I agreed, after all, I consider him a great friend. Well, it didn't happen for various reasons, one of which was that I wasn't in town. We agreed to meet when I returned as he was coming back. I started posting pics with my family while I was gone and he was liking so many of my pics that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable(none with me and my husband) not getting his motivation.

    When I returned, everything seemed to have changed. I try to joke with him and he let's the jokes fall flat. He's very blunt with me. We're still working together, but he rarely talks off topic anymore. He mentions his fiance all the time where he rarely ever did. I'm not sure what the hell I'm dealing although I have my own ideas. He did buy me a birthday present last week and wrote the sweetest card wishing me all things wonderful ,telling me I've been a great source of strength and support in his life and signing off "All My Love"(he also insinuated that his fiance picked out my gift). I don't know what type of geometrically dysfunctional relationship this is, but he has gone back to talking to me as though I'm not fully human. I am bothered. I'm hurt. Help!

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    1. Hi Anonymous, thank you for the kind words. I read your whole post and I do have quite a few comments although I'm not sure how blunt you would like me to be. Hopefully I find the right balance. First, I know what you mean, because I have a job as well where I work with people from around the world and I know I'll never meet them. It sounds as if your "friend" and you are not speaking from across oceans as I am, but rather, from within the same nation. I had a bit of a similar situation arise where I suspected a woman I worked with virtually was coming on to me as well. She friended me on Facebook and made some flattering comments that made me uncomfortable. I brought it up to my fiancée, and since her and I have an agreement where we will not be close with people we know are attracted to us, I ended the friendship there and that was that.

      In your case, your female intuition is dead-on. This guy likes you and has from the beginning and you know it. I am proud of you for telling your husband, however, it is obvious this relationship has long since gone too far. I am surprised your husband is okay with it, unless you have been omitting a fair amount in your conversations with him. The fact that you had to qualify your post by stating that you have told your husband all of this probably proves my point. I definitely wouldn't be. It's understandable that you would like someone else finding you great and attractive. We're all human here. To cut to the chase, virtually every sign he has given you was that he wanted you. Ask yourself: if he could pick between his girlfriend or you, who do you think he would pick? Follow-up question: do you think he would hesitate? Even if you believe he would choose his fiancée over you (I don't), he almost certainly wouldn't immediately come to that conclusion. Your post is littered with red flags that he likes you. At the first feeling in your gut that you had when you thought he was interested in more than friendship, The fact that you have example after example after example just drive the nail further into the coffin each time. By paragraph two, I knew he was into you. And I am an unbiased outsider.

      The question now is: what is going on now? I think you know that, too. He feels rejected by you and as if he is never going to get you, so what does he do? He plays up how great his current relationship is and tries to bring you down. Bringing up his fiancée every chance he gets is meant to drive the point home. That's what guys do. We don't do subtle well. If something isn't going our way, it is time to drastically change course and try to wreak as much havoc as we can to get some results we are happy with. This is typical guy behavior when we get rejected. So what to do?

      If I were you, I would try and have as little contact with this guy as possible and try to move on from this. If you emotionally cheated on your husband or not is a matter of perspective. It can be argued either way, but at the very least, you were allowing some things to go on that weren't exactly the greatest choices for a happy marriage. However, what you would like to do is up to you. I have no idea what kind of marriage you have nor what boundaries and rules you guys have set up. If you feel as if you want to keep this guy as a friend, then by all means, call out the elephant in the room between you and this guy. He certainly won't because he won't want to re-live his rejection at your hands. Since you seem so bothered and troubled by it, perhaps your favored path would be to have a frank conversation with him.

      You seem like an incredibly intelligent person based on your post, as all of my readers/posters seem to be based on all of these comments (although it would be nice to see a first name once in a while), so I know you will figure it out. I wish you the best of luck.

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  21. Thanks. Josh. I appreciate the thorough feedback.

    My husband have a long and difficult history and every month, sometimes every day, is another day that we've made it. All of my conversations with my friend and I are and have always been open and accessible to my husband. There's nothing to conceal. We certainly adore each other and my husband has pointed it out himself, even suggesting that when and if my friend and I meet that we ought not have any drinks, for obvious reasons.

    As for who my friend would choose, I don't know. He is a very high status person and his girlfriend is practically a beauty queen, intelligent, and perfect on paper. While he has talked negatively about her, I do know that he loves her. I'm very attractive too but not glamorous, plus I'm married and have a child. So yes, it's easy for me to deny any interpretation of his behavior beyond platonic, although I can "feel" it and I suppose his behavior is quite over the top for a platonic friend or any other relationship beyond the explicitly romantic.

    I would like to be friends. I don't believe we fit any definition of emotional affair as the entire thing has occured above ground and nothing has been said or done in secret between us. We never have had any conversation that were romantic necessarily, but stepping back, the amount and pattern of affection accumulates in that direction. I thought maybe I was reading too much into it but you think the same.

    The truth is, we bring out amazing things in each other, even from thousands of miles away. We've had conversations that have no doubt changed my outlook on some things about life in fundamental ways and I think he'd say the same about me. And now there's the awkwardness between us. How did I reject him when we were never dating and he never explicitly put himself out there to be rejected? Do you think he may think I lead him on? I don't know what he expects of me.

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  22. Hi Josh. I'm a little late to the party here. But I'm searching for some input here and I would be ever so grateful if you could share yours. Here goes...
    My story is rather lengthy so I'll try and cut to the chase. Me, my friend, and his gf were a trio pretty much and we hung out alot in the beginning of our friendship. Around two years ago she gets pregnant and they have since been raising their first baby. I was very excited for them. I honestly never had a crush on him but again the whole concept with guys and girls being friends... Usually someone develops feelings. Well he did. Around September of last year after a year of friendship he told me that he had a small crush on me. I didn't know how to react. I had feelings too but I didn't want to ruin anything between them. I didn't want to be a home wrecker. A month later I simply couldn't take it anymore so I confessed I had a crush on him too through email. He replies back telling me that he was shocked and that he was attracted to me too....That he wished he'd met me way before..That he didn't care if he cheated because she has down so before...etc...Unfortunately we started creeping and fooling around in cars...I was still a virgin so we never had intercourse, We pretty much did everything else. He would text me everyday at work, we got to know more about eachother and talk about our likes, dislikes, hobbies, plans for the future...Their relationship has always been very rocky. Around 5 months ago she becomes pregnant with his second child and a month later he gets laid off of work as a security guard because the owner no longer sought use for security at the institute he was working at. He's pretty much disappeared since then. I texted him a week after he was laid off in March. I sent a random text about how a guy came up to me telling me I was cute and how flattered I was but unfortunately I could not get his number. He replied back on how I should have gotten his number and how he got laid off of work and the next step he was trying to take to support his family. I told him that if he needed anything I'd be there. Before he was laid off, his gf kind of got the hint I developed a crush on him and told him so. He would brush it off but inform me on how she got the hint. Anyway, I haven't heard from either of them for around 3 months. Mainly him. I texted him last month (which will be my final attempt at reaching out) asking how they were doing, how I missed them and my hope that everything was going well. I received no reply. I realize that I have done wrong with helping a man cheat Josh.. but I'm mature enough now to never partake in something like that again. I just want my friend back. Is there anything I did wrong? I'm confused because it seemed like he genuinely liked me so I'm confused. Again, I'm not relishing in the idea of running back into his arms. I want my own healthy relationship with someone who's actually available. But again, I really do miss my friend.

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    1. Hey Star Brite,

      First, I want to say that I can relate to having to care for a family member with an incurable illness, I read your profile. You're a warrior, and that's a good thing. Anyway, onto your dilemma:

      I am going to be blunt. This guy did you a huge favor by being such a screw-up, to put it nicely. He is the scum of the earth and you are way better without him in your life. I am actually shocked that he disappeared like he did, usually guys like that stick around and play games. I get that you guys had a connection, a deep one, but he doesn't care about you. If he did, he would stop playing games with both his girlfriend and you, instead, he continued on to the bitter end. He can't love or care about you if he doesn't respect you, and by stringing both of you along like he was doing, he obviously didn't respect you.

      Why did he fall of the face of the earth? We'll never truly know, since, admittedly, guys do things that make no sense all the time, but my guess would be that his security job, which is a masculine sort of job, gave him a lot of self-worth and his sense of self, so when he lost it, there went his self-esteem. Guys take jobs far more seriously and personally than women do. If a guy gets fired or laid off, his whole world can come crumbling down, if a woman loses her job, well, she usually has a lot more going on and her career isn't the be all, end all in her life. Again, you'll look back in a couple of years and want to thank him for cutting you out of his life. Two kids and he's already cheating on their mother? He just bought himself a hard 18 years of dealing with her and his two kids. No need for you to go down with him. By the way, the old axiom, "once a cheater, always a cheater," tends to be spot-on most of the time. I would not have been surprised at all if he had turned right around and cheated on you in a year.

      Now, you have to move on and forgive yourself. This won't be an easy process, and it might take a while, but just keep taking baby steps. Yes, you did aid a man in cheating, and it wasn't the most ethical move, but you have to learn from it and move on. He cheated on her by choice. You didn't force him to do anything. You seem like a good person and I have faith in you that you won't partake in aiding a cheater or cheating yourself. You can't be friends with this guy. If you're being honest with yourself, in your heart of hearts, would you really be able to move on and forget about all of the physical and sexual stuff between you and him and be friends? If you could, you'd be a saint. By your post, I am assuming you don't have that many "good" friends whom you are close to? That isn't a bad thing at all. You're young, you'll make friends. Get out there, have fun, and don't worry about this. Be thankful he didn't rope you into his lifetime of misery.

      And by the way, you will find someone ten times better than this guy. I'm sure of it. Years ago, I never thought I'd be happy again or be in a great relationship again. Here I am, engaged to the greatest woman I've ever met. I have no doubt your future will turn out similarly. Good luck!

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  23. Hi josh! Just read your post and it really amazed me.

    What happens if this really close guyfriend of yours despite knowing that you have a crush on him offers to be friends with benefits instead of a real relationship? (I turned down his offer a year ago) and now a year later he gets angry with me when i said that i currently have a FWB. if he didnt want a relationship.... why the jealously?

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    1. Hey Anonymous, thank you for the kind words. This one is pretty cut and dried. He thought he "owned" you and you would go for it, but you didn't. Seeing another guy get the kind of relationship with you that he wanted makes him feel like less of a man. Reverse the roles for a moment. You make a play for a guy and he rejects you, later, you see that same guy with another girl who is getting all of the affection that you wanted. Are you really going to like her? If you're normal, you probably won't. With this guy, he has to think about how he failed and how another guy bested him. That guy won, he lost, and it eats at him.

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  24. Hello Josh I hope you can help me

    I've met this guy a few months ago and he has done 5 of your signs from what I can tell I don't see him that often which sucks oh well. We went dancing twice and once I went to his place to play Xbox, he made it quite clear that he wanted me but I tend to not have sex so soon. So later that month he asked me to come over but I couldn't so he got mad and said he just wanted to f*ck. I told him well I never implied that that was what I was only interested in and that I wasn't coming over. Months later for some reason he is telling me that he made it clear in the beginning that he doesn't want anything long term. I told him that I already knew that and that I didn't care (since we barely see each other and I continue to looking for long term relationships elsewhere). I know by going to his place I gave the wrong impression but he still contacts me. He has even shown to be jealous when I danced with another guy by pushing gently pushing me away from him, or like getting asking where I am going after sending him a picture of a new skirt sounding upset about it. I mean yes I like him but I don't plan on being his or anyones FWB. He can't make up his mind. Why continue the chase? He has now asked if I could hook him up with a friend but I wonder if he is trying to make me jealous. I don't know what to do with him. I want to know if he like's me or not, if not why get jealous? He has asked if I have slept with anyone since meeting him. Why does he care? Any insight?

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    1. Hey Anonymous,

      Thank you for posting, I was getting a bit worried I was talking to myself here since it's been five months without a comment. Short answer: he is a sex-focused guy who wants sex from you and doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else since he is a guy and he is competitive. Let's dive a bit more into this one.

      A guy who legitimately likes you and is interested in more than just your body wants to spend time with you. Not only does he want to spent time with you, but he wants to get to know you more and do things outside of his house. I've got to give this guy credit, he did come right out and admit he isn't looking for anything long-term and he is giving off all the hints that he is only interested in having sex with you. I believe how you do, that if you do have sex with him, it will just be a Friends with Benefits situation and that's it. What's worse? Due to oxytocin, you might get attached to him chemically and now you've got a big issue on your hands. See my Cuddle Buddies post for more details on that.

      Guys like this are a dime a dozen. You can walk into a bar and bump into a score of them before even buying your first drink. Not that I would know anything about that... If I am you, I am setting my sights higher. I am not sure what you're gaining from having a "friendship" with this guy. He only wants you for sex, you barely see him, so obviously he isn't interesting in non-sexual hanging out. I am not sure why you teased him by sending a picture of you in a new skirt. What was your intent there? Female friends don't send me pictures of themselves in new skirt or new clothes. If they did, I would suspect something more is there and she thinks of me as more than a friend. Women send me pictures of things they bought from furniture stores, new kitchen appliances, and sometimes pictures of themselves on vacations and such, but not pictures of themselves in new clothes. Something to think about. It could have been completely innocent, but it makes me think a bit.

      To answer your questions, I believe he has definitely made up his mind: he wants to sleep with you. Demonstrating five signs of the six is another dead giveaway. Women should be suspicious with one, extremely suspicious with two, and anything after three, well, it's the equivalent of a guy holding a sign up saying "I want you now!" But your guy has demonstrated five. He is jealous because he wants you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. Maybe he believes you will be "used goods" and not as desirable, which is what it sounds like his thought process is. I think you're spot-on that he either is trying to make you jealous or trying to sleep with anyone since he isn't having luck with you. Good for you, by the way. I'm proud of you for not giving in.

      My advice: Find a better guy. There are tons, and I mean tons, of great guys out there who would love a long-term relationship with a great girl and are not only focused on "getting some." Best of luck to you and please keep us updated!

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  25. Hi Josh, hoping you can impart some more guy wisdom over here!

    So long story short, I've been in a love-hate friendship with this guy for about 7 years now. We're always bickering and he annoys me to hell and back, but other times we get on like a house on fire and at times it gets odd. Like one time I mentioned I was just back from a shower and he said 'I just imagined you running around your house naked there I don't know why haha'. He also has a tendency to claim we're not friends every now and again, one time I responded by saying he shouldn't speak to me then if we're not friends and he said 'nah can't be bothered' and changed the subject.

    Everyone seems to think he likes me, but I've always maintained that wasn't true because we just annoy each other. However, he recently got into a relationship - possibly the first in the time I've known him - and whilst I was having a flat warming this past weekend he was out with his friends and we were speaking by Facebook, he decided that I should have another party this weekend so he can come and told me to text him because his internet was running out.

    So I did, and and he text some random crap about it being 2 weeks since I slept with his friend I've never met and then says his friend said to text that, and then he text me 'if you hadn't noticed my new relationship status doesn't bother me' and I when asked him what that was supposed to mean and he said to 'read between the lines'.

    I brought it up to my friends that were there and one of them (his cousin and best friend) phoned him immediately to ask him what it was about, and asked if he was hitting on me. He said no but he couldn't/didn't explain himself either.

    We've had this back and forth for most of the 7 years and I'd really like a resolution to it but because of his tendency to deny all, I feel like it'll be difficult to find out the truth. I also feel like if it causes the end of his relationship, it won't look good for me even though it was him that instigated things.

    His cousin also apparently has teased him about our 'sexual tension', but he didnt' say what the reaction was. Though he once told me his Dad thought I was his girlfriend, and I'm not sure if I'm remembering right but his Gran may have thought the same. I haven't met either of them, but this has been from when we've met up just the two of us.

    I really don't know what to think. Any advice?

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    1. Hi Grimm,

      Thank you for actually using a name, it's more fun seeing a profile than responding to "Anonymous" all the time. In any case, let's dive right in. Seven years, wow. I think back to where I was seven years ago and I feel like it was a whole lifetime ago. This guy really brings new meaning to the phrase "failing to pull the trigger." Seriously. He wants you badly and has for a while, but it looks like he's never had the confidence to actually ask you out. Whether or not you should have said yes is another matter entirely. Would you have said yes if he had asked you out?

      He clearly wants you sexually. Guys who are just friends with women don't picture those same women running around the house naked. The fact that you mentioned you were taking a shower and he immediately jumps to admitting he imagines you naked, well, that should be the clincher right there. The only women I have ever thought of naked are the ones I would like to see naked. That makes a ton of sense. Women I am only friends with, well, it's a disgusting thought. It would be like imagining my sister naked, which is something I never, ever want to imagine ever.

      I usually rail against believing what everyone else says, especially when it comes to romantic relationships since outsiders don't know what is going on inside of the relationship, but in your example, it seems as if everyone knows when two people are interested in each other. Think about it. When you see a guy or a girl who is really interested in someone else, don't you notice? Don't you think it's obvious? It usually is. We are all privy to the mating game and he is playing it with you, although it's unclear if you are playing it back with him. The fact that his dad and grandma think the same, well, it is icing on the cake. He wants you.

      I love that you had his friend and cousin call him to ask him what the deal is. Sounds like you're pretty emotionally wrapped up in this. It's obvious. This other girl means nothing to him, and he'd dump her in a second for a shot at you. That doesn't speak very highly of his character that he is in a relationship just to be in one, but we'll dismiss that for the moment.

      Here is the real question for you: do you want this guy? Do you want to date him and/or have a sexual relationship with him? That's obviously what he wants, but it takes two to tango...no pun intended. I hate that he wasn't a man from the get go and didn't ask you out seven years ago. Seriously, this has to be some kind of a record. You're saying he hasn't had a relationship in seven years? Have you? The ball is in your court. Do you want him or do you not? You would not be wrecking his relationship because he already set it up for it to fail. That responsibility is not on you. If you want him, go get him.

      One point I do want to make: this is definitely not a friendship. Seriously. I can feel the sexual tension and the stress this is causing you from here, and I think we are separated by an ocean. This either has to end with you two together or it has to end, period. Choose wisely. Please keep us updated, I would love to hear any new developments.

      Delete
  26. Hi Josh,
    I know this guy for over a year but never been good friends until recently. He does not text me or call me unless it is necessary. However, I think he flirts with me a lot and he is really touchy when we meet. It came to me as a shock at first since I am not used to guy friends touching me. He basically does things like patting my head, putting his arm around my shoulder, touch my legs, thighs, rests his head on my shoulder (basically everywhere that a friend of opposite sex can be possibly allowed to touch). It seems to me like he can't keep his hands of me. He also says things that makes me think he likes me. On the other hand there is a girl he likes. So I thought I may just be too sensitive and he might just be acting friendly. But as far as I know he does not touch the other friends as much. I am quite confused to how I should react. I don't want to come of as super sensitive but I am not exactly comfortable with the situation either.

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Obviously, this guy wants to get in your pants, you've uncovered that much, but I'm with you, I don't believe he likes you in that way. There is no "happily ever after" for both of you. How do I know? He wants another girl and the guy of your dreams won't make you feel uncomfortable. He is definitely crossing boundaries. Do you even want a friendship with this guy? I don't see why you would. Get a guy who respects you and who cares about your feelings. If you do want to continue a "friendship" or whatever it is that you have, you'll have to talk to him and get him to stop. He wants your body but not necessarily you as a person. Best of luck.

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    2. Thank you so much for your reply. I do think that he's not a good person. Currently, I am in the situation that I have to interact with him but hopefully it will end soon and I can kick him out of my life for good.

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    3. Thank YOU so much for your reply! We are definitely on the same page with this one. Best of luck to you in getting out of that situation. I would recommend at least talking to him so it is livable in the mean time.

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  27. Hi, got an issue I need help with...

    My partner's best friend & I work together. We get on great at work but tend not to see each other outside of work unless my partner is there. This friend is talkative & funny at work & we can talk about anything from politics to the gender divide etc. Outside of work he pretty much ignores me, won't even look at me even. This friend has been single for a while, my partner & I have tried to get him to come out with us so we can get him around some single girls but he's never come out with us.

    My question is could he be gay but just not want to come out because he thinks we won't accept him?

    Any advice on this would be appreciated.

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Apparently my post never actually posted from June 10th, but the gist of it is that anything could be going on, but someone is definitely up. That's not really my area of expertise, but it is possible he is gay. Or perhaps he isn't good with women? It's kind of hard because you work together, so asking is probably out of the question, and even so, I wouldn't ask. Your theory is possible.

      Delete
  28. Hi Josh,

    I'm in a situation where I am really confused with my relationship with one of my male friends. I'll try and keep it short. I met him around June 2014 through a mutual and I was drawn to him physically but never acted upon it. Immediately after, him and one my good girl friends got together.

    I only really started talking to him because I needed help with exams as I was a senior and taking my last exams. Fast forward to a few months, our group had a meet up to hang and stuff. That day I was experiencing really bad family problems. It got to the point where I started crying to my friend (the girl he is dating, I'll call her Natalie to make things easier) when I met up with the group. I left to go home after a few hours and in the afternoon I got a call from him asking if I was okay and stuff, and how everyone was worried about me. I didn't think of much and just thought of him as a nice guy.
    My problems started getting worse, but I didn't share it to anyone except for Natalie. She tried to help me but I got a vibe from her that she didn't really care. I turned to him, I wrote him a couple of paragraphs and honestly didn't expect him to respond back. The reason I turned to him because I knew he went though something similar and I thought he could help. He called me soon after but he didn't really say much.

    A few months later during our uni break he would call me as soon as he got on the computer to play games with me, but stopped soon after cos I feel like his girlfriend was getting suspicious. Sometimes he would randomly just hit me up and we would be on the phone for a few hours not saying anything to each other.

    We hanged out only once, alone just the two of us. I can say we got close very quickly, and he became one of people I can turn to whenever. I messaged him a few weeks ago crying because I felt so emotionally broken by my family. He called me immediately, but I cancelled his call because I was crying so much and couldn't speak. When I did pick up, he tried to comfort me, telling me I'm not weak and was strong dealing with so much, how badly he wants to take me away from this kind of environment and he kept begging me to speak to him. It got to the point where he called another friend of mine to drive him over to my place with Natalie to check up on me because he was worried. No one has ever done this to me and I felt so touched. I've noticed recently he touches me more than before. On the leg, my hands, shoulder, and most recently my waist/lower back region and rested his head on my knee when it was just the two of us. He checks up on me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder asking if everything has been okay and how I can tell him if anything happens. We went out at night as a group in a really crowded area and he held onto my wrist, leading me around. And when out group went to eat, I was seated next to a bunch of loud people and he asked if I wanted to sit where he was sitting.

    I certainly know I don't like him because whenever he touches me I don't feel anything. I respect my friends relationship, but I'm just confused why he touches me so much. I get this feeling that he cares for me a lot but from his actions I feel like he thinks of me more than a friend.
    I'm sorry it's so long, I don't know how to shorten it.

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  29. Hi Anonymous,

    Thank you so much for the great post and I am happy you didn't shorten it. This gives me a pretty clear picture. Had you kept it shorter, I may have been on the fence, but after reading this, I am definitively on one side. There are a few signs that he is interested in more than a friendship with you, and more than just these, I'm sure:

    He talks to you about your problems and seemingly, he genuinely cares. A guy who is just a friend will not do this. Think about it. A random guy friend would not be comforting you this much and getting this involved in your life. He also seems to be there when you need him. Is he doing this for Natalie to? I tend to doubt it and I am doubting their relationship is very strong and that they're going to be together for ever. Sound about right? I am as involved in my girlfriend's life as this guy is in your life, but not so for my female friends. I am there for them, but not nearly this much.

    He talks to you for hours on the phone. Oh man, what a red flag. In this new age of texting, Snap Chatting, Tweeting, etc, phone calls are more or less reserved for people of importance. I don't talk to many people on the phone because there's no reason for it. He chooses to talk to you whenever you need him and will do so for hours. Is that something his girlfriend approves of? If it were my girlfriend talking to another guy for hours at a time on the phone, I would be suspicious. Ask yourself for all of his actions: if my boyfriend were doing this, would it be okay with me? Essentially, put yourself in Natalie's place.

    He touches you. He touches you in ways and in places that would not be appropriate if, say, another guy did it and it would be downright awkward if another woman touched you the way he does. Why? Because he wants you and he wants to be with you, not Natalie. He would probably, or already has, fail all six of my criteria in the original post.

    What you have here is an emotional outlet for all of your problems, this guy. He is the "guy friend" every girl seemingly wants, but you're not attracted to him, so there won't ever be a relationship. You're not a bad person for not being attracted to him, by the way. There's nothing you can do about it that you don't feel anything sexual toward him and that's okay. I would consider your relationship with this guy and if you want it to continue. Oh, and you thinking he cares for you a lot should be a big indicator. Your gut is telling you he likes you and your gut is rarely wrong. You seem like an extremely intelligent person, so I have no doubts you'll be okay.

    Best of luck to you and be sure to come back to let me (and whoever else is reading) know how it turned out! Best of luck on the family issues as well.

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    1. Thank you for the reply.

      Just a small update:

      So the other day me and him were catching the train back home at night. It's winter here and I'm the kind of girl that gets cold very easily. He asked if I was cold so I touched his arm very lightly to show that I was cold and moved my hand away. He grabbed onto my hand and tried to warm them up for me and jokingly interlocked our fingers together. This caught me off guard and I was shocked. I didn't know how to tell him to stop, without it getting awkward. I pulled away but he held onto my hand again (normally, not interlocking fingers) when we were going down the stairs.

      When we're alone I get this feeling there's something but at the same time I'm not sure. He treats his girl very well. They buy couple items to show that they belong to one another. He is a great friend, I know I can trust him and I don't want to lose this kind of friendship.

      Delete
    2. Hey Anonymous,

      You're vert welcome. Thank you so much for the update. I love when I get to see the updates. It's amazing how it seems like God made women get cold easily so it can be a prime opportunity for a guy to comfort her and warm her up. In any case, this is oozing with proof that he sees you as more than a friend. While a very nice gesture, I cannot see a guy comforting a girl like that and warming her up, so to speak, if he is in a committed relationship. A single guy? Sure. A less than scrupulous gentleman in a relationship? Probably, but a guy in a committed relationship?

      The interlocking fingers thing clinches it for me. If any other guy does that with you, you would suspect romantic intentions, and the fact that he tried to keep it going even as you tried to end the "joke," well, does he need to beat you over the head with a baseball bat to tell you he likes you? Oh wait, he basically did by grabbing your hand as you went down the stairs. Another move I have only ever done with women I've dated or been in a relationship with.

      Now you're starting to get me to raise an eyebrow. Are you saying you feel some attraction towards this guy? Would it be different if he wasn't in a relationship? Does he check your proverbial boxes? It's good that he treats his girl well, but there is obviously trouble in paradise or else he has trouble with monogamy. This guy is not a "friend." Friends do not act this way toward each other. You're not losing a friendship because there truly isn't a friendship here. There is a lot going on underneath the surface here. This guy wants you, and judging by your most recent comment, it looks like you may want him a bit as well. I would caution you, though, to look at his actions from the other girl's point of view. Would this kind of stuff be okay with you if he was doing it with another girl? I tend to doubt that.

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    3. So it's been a month and I guess I should give you an update.

      I've started to avoid him for a bit because of all the little physical things he does. However, I'm still going through a tough time and he has always been there as an emotional outlet. As of right now I'm not prepared to let another person into my problematic life.

      The beginning of last week I had a mental breakdown at 2am and naturally I did go to him. I don't know if it I should've done that but everything was so intense and I really could not take it anymore. I told him I wanted to step out of the house for a bit because I felt so confined. He told me that it was not safe. He called me (maybe half an hour later) and listened to me cry for the next hour. I told him to go to sleep because it was nearly 3am and he had uni the next day but he insisted that he'll go to sleep once he was sure I was okay. I think around 3:30 I told once more him to go to sleep and this time I would too. He told me to promise him I would. 20 minutes later, I receive a very very long comfort text from him. In the text quoted 'I treat you as family (my name) if anything was to happen to you I would be worried'. This made me think back, why did you grab my hand and touch my waist?

      We had a catch up session for my group of friends this week and I wasn't feeling up for it. I was tired from everything and my mood was a bit down. I was quiet and he went up to me a few times asking if I was okay. He grabbed onto my shoulders at one point and asked if I was alright and sighed when I told him I was. My other guy friend asked if I was okay too, I told him I was and he never asked again. Even the girl I've mentioned previously (Natalie) did not ask. When it was time to go, he told him to tell him if anything happens.

      You have mentioned that this isn't a friendship. I trust him a lot and I don't know what to do. Sorry it's a long post once again.

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    4. He told me to tell him*** (spelling error in second last paragraph, last sentence)

      Delete
  30. Hi, can´t seem to publish anything, what am I doing wrong?

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    1. ok I´ll try this again....

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    2. still not working...help?

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  31. It looks like you successfully posted to the blog three times, so you should be able to post whatever it is now. I would recommend copying whatever you post before you post it so it isn't lost. Maybe type in a Word document and copy/paste it here?

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    1. I could post the short comments but not my longwinded question, I must confess I am not the most tech savvy person though ;) I´ll try again...

      I had a fling with a guy I work with years ago. After a night of drunken making out I panicked and took off because of pretty bad intimacy issues. He now lives with his gf of several years, but he won´t let me go, he checks all the point of the above list and flirts a lot. I am attracted to him but try to keep him at arms length because of his gf. He is wearing me down though...

      Two big things have been strong indicators of his feelings, the first he sat down to a meeting with our boss after she had been bullying me, I had no idea he had done this until he told me a couple of months later. He is not protective of ppl in general so I found this to be a very sweet gesture.

      The second was a couple of months ago he called me up to meet me before a colleagues birthday party. I said no because he makes me so nervous. Later at the party everyone was talking about having kids and he said his gf wants to have kids no but he wasn´t sure. He then turns to me and says "I would make a good dad and you would make a great mom though" before someone interrupted and they started talking about something else. I was stupefied and still am. Later me and him and the birthday girl were the only ones left at the party, we were drunkenly massaging each other and he is quite touchy feely with me whenever he gets a chance.

      I have a hard time with men and relationships in general, I never get when guys are interested. A guy once said "what a beautiful girl" to my face and I turned around and asked "Where?" This seems to make it harder, I never know what to say when he pulls these things. I also try to shut him down because of his girlfriend but he keeps keeping on.

      I know in my heart of hearts I still have feelings for him and I am even contemplating moving to another country to try to get him out of my mind. Is he just playing with me or are these attempts of something more? I would love a mans perspective and I will be very grateful for your answer.

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    2. I'm glad it finally worked for you. Sometimes this site messes with me, too. I think you know the answer to this one. It is a pretty open and shut case. He likes you, he wants you, and he wants to be with you sexually. The question is whether he wants you sexually or a real relationship with you. If I had to guess, I would say he wants a relationship with you. Guys won't tell you that you would make a good mom and that he would be a good dad if they hadn't thought about that. Obviously if he thinks you would be a good mom, well, he has thought about your prospects of being a mother. He hasn't thought about your prospects of being a great mom to some other guy's kids. You should be taking that as a huge compliment, by the way. Guys don't say that to everyone and it means a ton when we do. I have said it to a small handful of women in my lifetime.

      He is doing things that would make anyone believe he wants more. Talking to your boss on your behalf? Wow. That's high-quality stuff right there. You are right to shut him out since he has a girlfriend and since you both apparently work together, that can turn bad in a hurry. It is so unfortunate that he is living with his girlfriend. He is caught with a girl that he probably doesn't want to be with, and if we asked him who he would choose, her or you, he would probably go for you at this point. Something is obviously not working there. Telling everyone his girlfriend wants kids and he doesn't leads me to believe she wants to get married and he doesn't.

      If I am you, I would probably slowly back away from the situation right now. He is touchy with you and is giving off, as you stated, he checks all of the points above, not some, but all of them, so he seriously wants you and everyone who knows both of you can see it, I'm sure. But the situation that will unfold between him and his girlfriend is probably going to be bad. A cohabitation situation where one partner wants out, they've been together for years, and she is so into the relationship that she probably thinks he's "The One" and he clearly doesn't reciprocate those feelings? That has all of the ingredients of an explosion that you do not want to be anywhere near.

      Maybe after he breaks it off with her, or should I say if he breaks it off with her, then you may be able to wait a bit and step back onto the scene and see what unfolds.

      In the meantime, I would take a hard look in the mirror. You say you have intimacy issues and it also looks like self-esteem issues. From what I can tell, these are completely out of touch with reality. A guy once upon a time called you a beautiful girl and you hooked up with this guy a few years ago and he is still on your trail now. Guys don't do those things for unattractive women who don't have a lot to offer in a relationship. I'm sure there are many more examples you can think of men complimenting you or coming onto you. Leaving the country is probably a bit of an over-the-top reaction when there are clearly men in the country you are in who think you're an amazing woman who they want to be with.

      Take a step back and focus on yourself. If you can, try and come up with one positive attribute about yourself everyday for two weeks or point out one nice thing someone said about you that day and you'll see what everyone else sees.

      Best of luck to you and I have faith you're going to be okay and the future looks very bright for you.

      Delete
    3. Hi again,
      thanks for your answer, it was spot on and makes me feel like it´s not all in my head which all my girlfriends seem to think, and that makes me feel much better.

      So thing is I am born in Canada but now live in Stockholm Sweden which I have been for most of my life. I am getting sort of "homesick" and that´s why I have been wanting to move back for a while. I told my special guy at work about this, a few minutes in he starts rubbing his eyes and I thought it was because he was tired but then realised he was wiping tears because his voice got all thick and he walked away and tried to hide it. Again I can´t believe the level of underlying emotion we have to hide from each other, it is the most frustrating thing ever.

      The worst part is the catch 22 of the whole thing, if I tell him how I feel I will be the superskank who ruined their relationship, if I don´t he will think I am not interested (since I keep shutting him down) and they will live (un)happily ever after. What am I supposed to do?

      Thanks again for your previous answer btw, it made me feel a whole lot better about myself, and decoding guy behaviour in an encouraging fashion for clueless ppl like myself is a real gift for us all!

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    4. Hey! I'm glad you came back to post. I feared my novel scared you away. I would definitely say your girlfriends are wrong and you know it, too.

      I suspected there might be another reason to move to a different country aside from simply getting away from this guy. As an aside, you picked two great countries, Canada and Sweden. If you've lived in Sweden for most of your life, why all of a sudden do you want to go back to Canada? Is it mostly because of this guy? Without him in the picture, do you want to stay in Sweden?

      I'm surprised at the tears, but not at the emotion. It's pretty obvious he cares a lot about you. I'm sure everyone you two work with feels the tension when you're in the same room or talking about the other one. You may think they don't know, but they do.

      It really is a catch-22, but it is his doing, not yours. IF he wanted, he could break it off with his girlfriend, and he needs to do that if you were in the picture or not, then you could have a shot at him. You have a few options. You could tell him how you feel or better yet let him lead you in that direction. Guys leading is a turn-on, you having to make all of the moves is not.

      You could start touching him back a bit more, being more of your super girl self and put yourself in situations where you could spend a little time together and see where it leads. You could subtly give him signals that you're interested and that if he wants to escalate this relationship further, you won't stop him. I wouldn't lay it all out there on the table for him. If you truly, deep down, think you guys could be in a real relationship and it would last, maybe that is an option worth exploring. You have to remember that you are not making him do anything. Are you tempting him? Perhaps, but contrary to popular belief, he is the one who is miserable in his relationship and guys who are in happy relationships and who are high-quality men don't cheat or come close to it. You aren't a "superskank." However, I am going to throw something at you now that might be shocking.

      I think you can do better than this guy. Scratch that, I know you can do better than him. Why? Because he is doing things he should not be doing in a committed relationship. The old "what goes around comes around" rings true here. I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same thing to you a year from now even if you two do get together. Would you ever really be able to trust him? I truly believe that a woman such as yourself would be settling/dating down/whatever you want to call it if you got together with this guy. I am sure there are men everywhere who want to be with you and you just don't realize it. So yes, I am sure you could make it happen with this guy if you wanted to, but if it were me, I wouldn't. You can do better. A lot better.

      You are very welcome! I am glad I could help and thank you so much for the compliment. I am embarrassed to admit how many hours I have spent on this blog, so you saying that really means a lot to me.

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    5. Hi again,

      sorry about my delayed reply, I have been working like crazy lately. I was blessed with a mom from Canada and a dad from Sweden so I have dual citizenships, I feel a need to get out of Stockholm in general, and a strong pull toward the Canadian rocky mountains which is the place I plan to go. (I also have a fwb there, he is kind of a dick sometimes and I´m not sure how to handle that, but that is a whole different story..) Without him in the picture I wouldn´t want to stay here anyway, so I figure this would be a good breaking point to either get him off his ass (pardon my french) or get over him once and for all. (Hopefully).

      I am quite confused about the "letting him lead" part, I never feel like I am good enough for anyone (let alone him) and kind of see myself as a lost cause relationship wise. I have suffered abuse in the past and have a phobia for men in intimate settings, hope this is not too much information, but it is also in the way just in general. (I am set up to get help with this soon though).

      I should also be honest about how long this has been going on, we hooked up ten years ago, he has had one or two other girlfriends (who all hated me) and his current girlfriend of about 7 years made a habit of showing up at work and/or calling each time we happened to work together. So I guess this makes it an ongoing emotional affair? Whatever it is, I know it sounds bad, but we have not done anything physically "romantic" apart from the drunken massage a while back. So I don´t think he has a wandering eye in general, but just some kind of weakness for me, which I barely understand why.

      So to conclude - I am very confused about the whole thing, know I seem crazy for letting it go on for so long, and to be honest - yeah I wish we could have a relationship. Would it work in real life? Who could know that about any relationship?

      And thank you for the "I can do better" thing, I am not so sure about this, but it is a comforting thought :) Btw, never be embarrassed of how long you spend on the blog, you are doing an amazing job of answering everyones guy questions and dilemmas, it is really admirable in my book!!

      Delete
    6. Sorry about my negative tone, I realised later I was really hangry when I wrote this...

      Delete
    7. Hey Anonymous,

      First off, my girlfriend gets "hangry" herself and says she does, so you apologizing for being hangry made me smile and I immediately shot her a text when I read that. She says you're a "phrase thief" but I suspect it is because she hasn't eaten breakfast yet ;). t am going to tackle this in an awkward order, but stick with me. First, I highly, highly recommend getting help with the abuse from your past. I am very sorry to hear that you had to endure that. No one deserves that and it probably explains a lot of why you are how you are.

      Moving on from the abuse, since I am definitely not qualified to be a therapist nor a doctor nor anything with any legitimacy regarding that. All guys are not bad and there are great ones out there and you need to know that. What one or two or three guys have done is not indicative of what all guys will do. Think about it in reverse. If a girl treats someone poorly or dumps a guy a week after their wedding, for instance, that is not the fault of all women. It is something one woman did to him. Too many guys become bitter and hate all women because of such a traumatic experience, but it isn't fair. You're a woman but more importantly, you are a human being first and foremost, you are not only a woman. It is not right for a guy to blame you for what every woman before has done to him, but it is also not right for you to expect that no guy will think you're beautiful or treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

      As far as this guy goes, of course all of his girlfriends and women he has dated despise you. Can you blame them? He clearly has feelings for you and how would you like it if your boyfriend had a woman with whom he has slept with multiple times around? It's even worse considering he obviously has feelings for you, so these women naturally feel amiss and feel threatened by you. You would, too.

      A guy should be leading, it shouldn't be up to you, the woman, to have to do all of the work. The guy should be asking you out and leading you, not the other way around. As far as this guy goes, though, now that I know even more of the story, I would run, not walk, away from him. If that means going to a different country, so be it.

      I'll be honest with you, the whole friends with benefits guy seems like a toxic relationship, too. The fact that the only thing you stated about him was that he was kind of a dick goes to show that you probably shouldn't have anything to do with him, either, and maybe you pick a different spot or move to where you want, but don't have anything to do with him. It seems like you are wanting someone, anyone, to spend time with, but you don't intrinsically need anyone. You have to really focus on raising your standards and not accepting anything less from these guys. If someone isn't treating you well, and it seems like that includes both guys in your life, then they shouldn't be in your life.

      To summarize: I, the expert blogger, have decreed that you are a beautiful and desirable woman who has a ton to offer a guy and you have to hold out for a guy to treat you how you deserve to be treated and you will find yourself happier than you ever imagined. It will happen.

      Delete
  32. Hey Josh,

    First off, wow! I'm impress that you've been answering all the questions posted here, for the past two years. Alright, this is my situation and any insight would be appreciated.

    I made a friend last year, through sports, and because he was a transplant, I would drive him to classes and back home. We would hang out a couple of times a week, and finally he moved away. The issue I have, is that he doesn't really open up, so I don't know what his values are or how he feels about things. We had fun hanging out and laughing at things. After he moved away, he would message me randomly, asking brief questions, I would respond and he would always be the one who ends the conversation. He would personally snapchat me photos of what's going on in his life, but never really talk about it with me. So I'm confused, because friendship to me, means talking about what's going on and how we feel. it's deeper and this is some weird superficial interaction going on. What do you think may be occurring? I thought maybe he's just being nice, and keeping in touch, somehow, but it seems weird to me, to actually initiate contact but not have an actual meaningful conversation.

    Thanks,

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  33. Hey Anonymous,

    Thank you for the compliments. They are greatly appreciated. Hmm, this is a weird case. Has he not shown any interest at all in you as more than friends? It seems like you guys are at least "friends" right now, at least in his eyes. I'm with you, I command much more out of a real friend than this. Maybe he is an awkward person and isn't the best socially? I would think that is a possibility. Have you tried to get him to open up by asking him questions? What is it that you want out of this interaction, if anything? It's peculiar for him to keep reaching out to you but not give much to the interaction. Perhaps he is bored and you are his go-to time killer? Without something more concrete, I'm with you, it is a mystery. Until I see more, I don't think he is interested in very much.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Josh,

      Well, I have a boyfriend and they've met and hung out. Although he's closer with me since we both do the same sports and have the same hobbies. I think he's been friendly, and I'm not going to take that as any sign of interest. By friendly, I mean paying attention to small details of what I say, and talking to me. But he won't say "How's life," which is an open question, but more of "Why did you come back from your travels early?" And I'll give an answer, annnnd that it, haha. I have tried to get him to open up by asking questions, but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere.
      What I want from out of our interactions, if we're do have them, is to have an actual conversation. I want an actual friendship and be able to see him in person again, especially given our similar interests and somewhat similar background. Right now, it's not a deep enough friendship where I could imagine myself meeting up with him again. It always seems like he has to be neutral/diplomatic/politically correct, perhaps out of extreme courtesy. He can read people and I think, has more than a healthy dose of empathy. At one of the sporting events I gave him a ride to, it was in the beginning when I only knew him for a couple of days, I had teared up, and he saw and gave a visibly sad frown. To me, um, maybe this says more about me than him, but I thought it was odd, since I don't think the average person would have visibly looked sad and frown. Perhaps an "aw" and then quickly look back to what they were doing.
      In person, he's not an awkward person, and pretty social. And gosh, I hope it is that he's just bored and just talking to me to kill time, although I think if he was just reaching to me out of boredom, at least he'll say what's on his mind "I'm bored" but he does is shows me the cool events or new places he's traveling to.

      I don't think he's interested either, maybe if I didn't have a bf and was in the same city as him, he would, I don't know, not a mind reader here. The situation bothers me since I can't figure him out. He initiates contact, but remains evasive and is not really being a friend. He's being mysterious, and if I can't figure something out, it bugs me. It bugs me even worse because he's been appearing in my dreams. I feel like I'm being tricked by my mind, into liking him, because I'm thinking about him all the time, just trying to figure him out. When I know, I probably think I like him because I am spending time to think and try to figure him out.
      I decided to stop initiating contact on my end, so I could just forget about it and stop thinking about him but then he ends up initiating with me even more!

      Delete
    2. Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you so much for the quick reply and the fact that it was so lengthy. The more you describe it, the more it seems like he is putting out feelers to see if there might be reciprocal interest. In your case, there isn't, but man, is he doing a great job of making you think about him all the time! Sounds like any guy's dream, making a girl think about him all the time and dream about it. The way he's acting leads me to believe he might have some interest. One step forward, two steps back from him, it seems. I have been him where I thought a girl might be interested in me, but I wasn't sure and I was playing it very cautiously. That was in my younger years, of course, but still.

      I know you said he isn't awkward, but that whole frowning story makes me think he definitely is. I'm with you, who does that? A hug or something would have been in order or something empathetic, but a sad frown? Weird. I think you have to be honest with yourself here. I think you're convincing both of us that there might be something there that you're denying. I think you want to be with your boyfriend, too, and I get why you would have this obsession, I would be right there with you. I wouldn't initiate contact and let him do whatever he wants to do, or not do.

      I will say that I'm not sure why you are so insistent on being friends with him when there are seemingly so many better potential friends out there than this guy. His specific answers, the more I ponder this, also gives me pause. If he didn't care about you, he isn't taking the time to pay attention to specific things. I really hope you keep us (ahem, me) updated.

      Delete
    3. Hey Josh,

      Well, with the frowning story, it was probably only the second time we've hung out. So perhaps it wouldn't have been great to hug, since he also met me the same week.

      I don't know about feelings on his end, haha, may be there is something but I don't like to make assumptions. Okay, if I admit it, if I was single at the time, perhaps we would have gone out on a date. But I don't think that really means anything, since a casual date is just a date to get to know someone. Haha, and he doesn't know that I think/dream about him, thank goodness. I would be so embarrassed, haha.

      I'm insistent on being friends because it's hard for me to find multi cultural friends who travels frequently and lead a similar life style to me. I love having friends from all over the world, so that I may learn about different cultures and visit different countries. On top of that, I'm not sure about better potential friends, but I do have better closer friends. I guess the thing is some close friends has re prioritize their lives around something else i.e hooking up or being stuck in their careers. Whereas this one is focused and striving to be better with a relaxed approach. Those are actions that I'm applying in my own life as well. Anyways... despite all of these reasons listed, you're right, I have to admit, since it's quite obvious now, that I am fond of him to some degree.

      And update! Wow that was fast, right?
      Today we actually texted back and forth for a decent amount of time. By decent I mean, half an hour? Which surprised me a lot. Currently I'm living in a different state from my home state, which is where we met and he mentioned that he was traveling there for work and asked when I would be going back home. Of course, I think he was just suggesting we meet up again at our athletic community center. That's when I realized he spoke in more veiled terms than me. I would say "Let's try to hang out!!," whereas it takes him a couple of more steps. Once he said he needed to go shopping before he moved away, and I said "Okay," and gave him tips on where to do his shopping. Then after I said that, he asked me to come with and hang out with him. I think he's definitely more subtle and I'm more straight forward. It is true that 100% of the guys who successfully asked me out were direct and most of my friends are direct people. So maybe because I'm not used to communicating with subtle people, I don't get the sake of conversing, for conversing, unless there's a point! And there's probably a point, but I didn't read into it.

      Surprisingly, after messaging him a bit today, I felt better, thinking "Yes this makes more sense. I feel more like friends now." But more likely than not, he'll go back to being vague, and my relief will turn into :[ again, haha.

      What do you think?

      And thanks Josh!

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    4. To clarify, he asked when I was going back home, but never suggested that we hang out. Although from previous experiences, i.e the shopping, it's an indicator we should meet up.

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    5. Hey Anonymous,

      Well okay, that does clarify the frowning story a bit. I still don't get how frowning back at you is better than doing, well, practically anything else, but I see why a hug might not have been the most natural reaction that early in your friendship/acquaintanceship/flirtationship/whatever it is that you guys are.

      It does mean something. You don't go out on a casual date with someone you know if you are pretty sure it is not going to blossom into something more. Stated differently, you wouldn't casually date a guy who you found repulsive or didn't think there as at least some chance of there being more dates in your future. I would hope he doesn't know you dream about him!

      I like it, so he fits well into your life, thus, you must deal with his up and down, push and pull behavior. It also makes life more interesting. Ah ha! An admission of secret interest! Since you told a blogger on the internet using the name "Anonymous," it is real now, I hope you know! Alright, not really. Sounds like your close friends are letting you down and he seems like as good a candidate as any for friendship. It's understandable. Although he leads a similar lifestyle but he is really different because he is passive and you are active in life.

      Well obviously he reads this blog and he knows we're talking about him! Don't worry, only joking. He definitely speaks in more "veiled" terms than you...or me...or any guy I've seen in a while. Usually the guys are the ones who make the hang out and meet up suggestions, but not this one. Seems like you initiate everything and he is along for the ride. Can you imagine what the sex would be like? Yes, I said it and you know it's true. Having a woman go shopping with him? He's smart. I doubt he is in it for your keen design sense, although I would be lying if I told you I haven't brought along a female friend shopping so I could get her opinion on something. Okay, so I've done it quite a bit. I am extremely interested in how that shopping day goes if it happens. I am with you, I doubt he just wants a girl to go shopping with. He wants you to accompany him, not just any girl.

      Speaking of the question that has kind of been out there but not asked, where is your boyfriend and what do we make of him? And yep, this is what you signed up for. A roller coaster ride of a friendship with this guy or whatever the heck it is, I'm still not sure. The guy giveth, the guy taketh away. Also known as one step forward, two steps back. Get ready for that conversational pullback. I am right there on the roller coaster with you, though, when it comes to this guy.

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    6. Hi Josh,

      Yeah, I'm not sure how frowning back to me is better than doing nothing. I actually prefer people to just completely ignore me while I silently drop a couple of small manly tears. I will say, I would have felt weird if he had hug me then.

      Hmm, that's true. I probably won't go on a date if I knew I don't see the possibility of future dates. Although if I was single, I might have dated him out of boredom and didn't expect anything since he was a transplant.

      "Well obviously he reads this blog and he knows we're talking about him!"
      I know the chances of him reading this blog are minimal bud I did do a silent mental squeal plus horrified face when I read this, hahaha.

      I figured I had an interest with him, I just thought.. I could get some dispensed advice without admitting it! But you've found me out.

      He's tricky. He does seem passive and it's interesting you mention sex. I have no clue. I would think he's not passive since he does stand firmly on his beliefs, so there is somewhat of an assertive core there. He has a clean image and seems pure in a way. If he was a virgin, I would have believed it. But I discounted the idea after hanging out with him a couple of times. Once we were out drinking with friends and spoke of relationships. He said a girl had a deep crush with him for years in high school. I asked why it went on for years, and he said it's because he was nice and she viewed him as some kind of gentleman. At this point, I said something along the lines of "Oh my goodness! You have given her a date, therefore a chance or just straight up say you're not interested!" He said he didn't want to be mean and I called him a tease and that she spent many years liking a guy that didn't like her! I guess she didn't pick up on his subtlety either, LOL. He gave a sly smile and I gasped and light heartedly accused him "You're not so innocent! That's actually how you get girls!" and we just laughed. So him and sex, I don't know. He could actually be the dangerous type, he seems so innocent but smh. haha

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    7. Sorry I had to post twice since the comment box wasn't letting me post this essay. Btw, please let me know if you want to shorten the comments.


      How the shopping went:
      What do you want to know? We just walked around a historic district and I pointed out quirky architecture relics and told him the history behind them. I helped him pick out touristy gifts for his family. We spoke about relationships and he said he didn't have a gf because he travelled so much and he hasn't found an interesting girl, that he likes girls with a passion in life. Then I asked what his passions were and he said sports and traveling. I exclaimed "Me too!" and we laughed. But immediately after, I regret saying that, since I didn't mean to imply anything. Moving on to the topic of relationships, I agreed and said dating can be awkard and finding someone that clicks with you is hard. I spoke about my dating history and my perspective on it, but felt awkward since he didn't say anything. So I called him out on it, and he said he didn't have much dating experience and couldn't really offer any insight. From there the topic shifted and we spent the rest of the day just chilling and laughing. It was the last day he was in town and at the end of it, we hugged and said farewell.

      What do we make of my boyfriend:
      Well, we've been together for years and he's my best friend and first bf. He turned me, a skeptic about love, to believing it could actually occur. He's in my home state, so we're long distance right now. Personality wise, we are both direct in communicating and we know we have a good thing. So I want to keep the relationship. Even though I'm far away and busy, I don't get heart aches as much since I'm more out of sight and out of mind. But when I see him again, he's so new and sparkly to me, if that makes sense; and I just stare at him for a bit, like a creep, and love him. We are a bit different but our relationship works because we respect and communicate with each other. We trust and don't judge each other, so he's a winner and I'm keeping him.

      So then why am I thinking about this other guy? Well, I just want to figure out where he's coming from and what's up with this friendship/acquaintanceship/flirtship/Idon'tevenknoweither!

      Delete
    8. I'm awful. Please excuse the spelling mistakes and some words were accidentally omitted as I was typing on this computer thing. Please let me know if you want me to shorted my replies as well.

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    9. You haven't posted in a bit, so I guess there isn't much left to be said. But thank you for commenting on my situation! It has helped with my thinking process about the situation. :)

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    10. Hey Anonymous, I'm back. I could go on for a paragraph about all of the reasons I haven't replied yet, but I won't bore you with the details and I'll just jump right in:

      I've been thinking about it (for 9 days) and I do see where he is coming from with the frown. He obviously didn't know what to do, and in his shoes, I'm honestly not sure what I would have done.

      I suspect you hold yourself to a higher standard than just dating someone out of boredom, so methinks that you do have some feelings for him if you're honest with yourself. Yep, re-read that sentence, I said "methinks."

      The chances of anyone reading this blog are minimal, so I'm sure you're fine. That is where you are clearly incorrect. No one gets advise on this blog without being found out and called out! You just had to wait 9 days for it!

      Look at you creating a Twilight-esque romance novel in your head. Not that you like him, of course. It is also telling that you're defending someone's sexual prowess who you, again, have no interest in sleeping with! Ahem, I digress. I do have some more hope for him after that paragraph, though. He seems to be at least slightly mysterious, I mean, he's got me slightly intrigued with what's up his sleeve and we have gone on for many paragraphs discussing what his motives are, so he clearly isn't the most boring guy around.

      Wow that was fast. I thought the shopping trip was a ways away, but you guys wasted no time. That "what are your passions" line seriously made me lol. Are you sure you regret making the comment? Tell me, did you get kind of sad when the guy left? Definitely seems like something is there.

      I want to point out it took you how many paragraphs to give a description of your boyfriend and your current relationship? I'm not putting you on the spot, but... I will say that my heart goes out to you since I have been in two long distance relationships and they are awful. Even the one that was technically successful was extremely difficult and it still didn't end well. The fact that you're "out of sight out of mind" leads me to believe your current relationship might not be forever, but maybe I'm reading too much into that.

      I will say that I did find myself uncomfortable with the fact that you went out with him even if it was shopping, and I did notice mild flirtation. During my 9-day vacation, I ran this past my 30-something girlfriend and she had the same trepidations that I did. We both agreed that we wouldn't feel comfortable with the other one doing that. Take that for what you will, it's just the opinion of two people, but I am definitely still here and I really look forward to updates that I hope you'll post.

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    11. Deaaaar Josh,
      “Look at you creating a Twilight-esque romance novel in your head. Not that you like him, of course. It is also telling that you're defending someone's sexual prowess who you, again, have no interest in sleeping with!”
      Oh myyyyyy, as someone who has never watched Twilight, but had heard about it, I’m not sure if this is a good thing, haha. And I shouldn’t have commented on his sexual prowess. I don’t know. But I find it hard to believe that a man his age is still a virgin, just saying, haha. Oh, there I go commenting on his sex life again.
      As for the shopping trip, this was a few months after we’ve met and hung out already. We have already become friends by then, so I wasn’t thinking of the shopping as a casual date but just two friends hanging out. When the guy left, I did get a bit sad because I didn’t have any super tight friends left in the city. As mentioned earlier, there were friends who were more focused on hooking up or just being complacent in their jobs. And hearing about hook ups is kind of boring to me.
      I’ve been an out of sight, out of mind type of person lately, esp with my graduate program.
      Don’t worry about reading too much about anything. A lot of people like to analyze my relationship with my bf. We don’t argue, and don’t mind each other hanging out with other girls or guys since we trust each other. And ultimately, there’s no sense in worrying. I always told him he can always dump me whenever he wants, but just let me know and don’t cheat on me. He thinks if someone is going to cheat, then they’re going to do it, so why worry. So our mentalities run that way, and we’re the type that wouldn’t like controlling anyone, because we don’t like being controlled and told not to do certain things as well. I guess I didn’t divulge that much information about bf, because I wasn’t sure how much you wanted to hear about it, haha. There were already two hefty posts above. Oh, and I’m not the type of girl to believe in soul mates and am skeptic on relationships that last forever, especially at this age. I just think of relationships as if it happens, it happens, and if one of us changes our minds, then there’s that. I mean, it would suck separating, but I won’t force anyone to be in relationship they don’t want to be in. So its fine if you think my relationship might not be forever, I don’t know either. Why? Do you believe relationships last forever?

      Delete
    12. Ah, I do feel bad if going shopping with him may seem bad or may not have been a good idea. All I know is that I enjoyed his company and wasn’t thinking of the trip as any romantic context. You know how on some dates, you imagine it ending with a kiss and you leave the date with some mystery? Yeah, no. This was me being me, making fun of things, being semi hyper, outspoken (which I would not do to any guy that I’m interested in dating), and rolling my eyes with sarcastic remarks. Everything I would do with close friends. Usually when I date a guy, I act more mature, knowledgeable and try to be more of a lady than a child. I understand where you and your gf are coming from though. Typically when two opposite gender adults are seen together, and laughing, there are some assumptions made. That’s something that I’ve thought about too, how there’s a transition into adulthood where opposite gender relationships would no longer be acceptable since there’s always assumptions made about them. I dunno. But I guess the title of this blog is “6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get Into Your Pants,” LOL. This might be the woman side of me “We’re just friends!”
      Oh here’s random mind bender that I couldn’t quite get. Since we’ve last spoken, I met a woman and I grew a strange attraction to her. It was weird because I’ve never been attracted to a woman before. But I just plain like her, even though I don’t consider myself bisexual. I told bf this, and he said he didn’t care if I dated her, LOL. Not sure where he’s coming from, because I wouldn’t be down with him dating a guy or another girl. He just said he’s not intimidated by the girl, and that’s something he couldn’t quite compare himself too, since he’s a male. It was interesting.. I don’t know, I thought you would enjoy that or would like to comment on that.
      Oh and bf visited during the time that you were on your 9 day vacation. I’m going to go a bit off topic and say  I hope your vacation was really good btw! (See how friendly I could be to an anonymous Jewish blogger that lives in the South? Perhaps I come off too friendly that could be mistaken for flirtation. ) Anyways, bf was here and we had a lot of fun going on adventures.
      Btw, I’ve lost some interest in my cold and hot friend since he has started working again and stopped going on globetrotting adventures. I’m not negating your “AH HA! You liked him!” moment but that his exciting lifestyle was a reason why I interacted with him. :p

      Anonymous

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    13. Once again in responding to one of your posts, the website mysteriously reloaded and deleted my entire response, so this will be a brief response, sadly. I definitely believe that relationships can last a very long time. You always hear about those few couples who do make it 40 or 50 years and are happy. I get it that you're young and whatever happens happens, so that's okay.

      Alright, if you say that there was nothing romantic going on and no sexual tension or anything, I'll take your word for it even though you have made many comments to the contrary but I'll ignore all of those and believe you now. Yeah, opposite sex "friendships" become more complicated the older you get, but it does depend on the relationship you have.

      Most guys are okay with their women seeing another woman, but in reverse? No way, so your trepidation is understandable. If you are as young as you sound, maybe you want to experiment some before you get old and can't anymore. I was waiting for someone to mention the title of this blog. It's been a while. And you've at least read the title of another post! Greatly appreciated.
      Good for you seeing your boyfriend. And no, if only it would have been a legitimate vacation, but no, that is definitely not what happened. Someone's just on an adrenaline rush! Not that you ever wanted to be with him in the first place, of course...

      Delete
    14. Hi Josh!

      Sorry, I had avoided your response because of my own personal embarrassment on being attracted to a girl... Um.. I tried avoiding the woman, but I see her on a daily basis and she was very friendly and kept interacting with me. Well, I eventually go to know her better and realized that she's very similar to my boyfriend.. Major wise, attitude, personality and I wonder if that had anything to do with me having a slight attraction to her in the beginning, ha~

      Josh, I still haven't spoken much to that hot/cold friend. Thanks for ignoring all my contrary statements and believing me. :) You are very kind. Maybe I did like him, in the sense that he was MY unique friend & I liked the way he lived, but I wasn't interested in him sexually or romantically. Does that make sense? It reminds me of a time when I was in high school and my best friend liked me, the feelings weren't reciprocated, but I still didn't like it when another girl liked him because he was always my friend. He's in my life and I want to be in his life. I wanted to keep hot/cold friend because he was very unique. Well either way,
      he's not globetrotting anymore and has really settled down to a regular 9~5 job now. Which is pretty much the reason why I haven't spoken to him anymore. It's not really worth it to talk to him about anything else, remember his mysterious aloof ways?

      ANYWAYS, I hope you are doing well,


      Anonymous

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    15. Hey,

      It's all good, you have to live your life and I am just such random blogger on the internet. It sounds like you're young, so hey, experiment, right? There is no need for embarrassment on this blog, that's for sure.

      I appreciate the compliment, even though I'm not quite sure it's not sarcasm, but that's okay. Alright, I can go for it that you weren't romantically or sexually attracted him to but it was more of an attraction to his life and his lifestyle excited you. Do I think there may have been something there? Perhaps. Lol, so he gets a boring desk job and you lose complete interest in him? Sounds interesting to me. Glad you came back.

      Delete
    16. Josh!

      Haha, It wasn't sarcasm. I can see why it seems that way though. Also random blogger? You haven't posted any new blogs in a while though! (I say this because I would read your new posts.)

      Yeah, maybe if I was single and find a woman I'm attracted to (very unlikely), I'll try it out. Maybe. Probably not. I'm not really interested in playing with female parts, so it is weird I could be so attracted to that woman's personality.

      Yeah, perhaps there would be something there if he had an exciting life again, then I could associate him with that and like him because of it. Maybe.

      Why does it sound interesting that he gets a boring desk job and I lost interest? I think it makes sense, there's not much else that I could really talk to him about :p

      Delete
    17. Anonymous!

      Well then, if it wasn't sarcasm, I appreciate it. Well alright then, I guess you've got me there. What should I refer to myself as, then? I have thought about writing something else, but I'm not sure what and I don't know if anyone would read it. I am happy to hear there is at least one person who would. It is greatly appreciated.

      Ah, okay, so it is another one of those "attracted to someone's personality" type deals. I get that. It's happened to me, too. In that case, it seems you just have a strong magnetic attraction to certain personalities.

      Now we're back getting somewhere! So it was never him you were attracted to at all, just his lifestyle. So if he dons a motorcycle helmet and rides cross-country with only a backpack and dreams strapped to his back, then you are back on his proverbial motorcycle. Admission of possibly being attracted to him at some point? Things really have changed in a month.

      So the only thing you found interesting or desirable about him was that he seemingly had a lot of cool stuff going on? That's kind of interesting. He is probably still that same hot/cold friend, just in a different environment. Or did he change with his environment?

      Delete
    18. Josh,

      Good point, I wouldn't know what else you would refer to yourself as. Life advice commenter? The Jewish male version of Dear Abbey? Maybe your gf could write something, perhaps a "6 Signs she wants to get in your pants." Don't guys struggle with some questions about women?

      I do have a strong attraction to certain personalities. I think I tend to be unimpressed by most people.. That's different than saying I don't like most people, just saying. She's actually become a close friend, and I've found that she's a bit wishy washy about tough decisions. So I became less attracted to her personality, but she's still a dear friend.

      Fine! This is an admission of being attracted to him at some point, when he was doing things that I loved doing and wished I was still doing. But it's so slight, and it's so fluid, so it's seems more like a superficial attraction compared to the attraction I have for bf.

      "So the only thing you found interesting or desirable about him was that he seemingly had a lot of cool stuff going on? That's kind of interesting. "

      Is it interesting? I imagine it's like having a crush on a super hot person, and then they're not so hot anymore. The evaporation of their hotness is also the evaporation of the crush.

      I think he's still the same hot/cold friend across the board. I've never been on a trip with him, and I still haven't spoken to him in a while.

      Anonymous

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    19. See? It's harder than you think. Ironically, I asked my girlfriend who Dear Abbey was and she told me, but then she asked "they know about me?" so a column from her is unlikely, besides, men and their dating problems are not my audience. I'm not sure how many men have read this blog. She said I could almost be Dear Abbey, but I don't have enough geared towards housewives, so I can't be. I can't believe Dear Abbey was originally a guy. What a scandal! And no, men do not ever struggle with problems about women. Ever. We know everything there is to know about relationships. :D

      Hmm, I can definitely see that with your lust for the dangerous, exciting, and adventurous. It's nice that you have another friend even if she is clearly flawed in one way.

      Yes! #Josh. I think we'll once again agree to disagree, this time on how much you may or may not have been attracted to him. I will agree with you that it was superficial, especially compared to your boyfriend.

      I see your point. You only liked one thing about him, but you were attracted to it a lot, then that quality disappeared and so the whole attraction house of cards fell with it.

      Sadness. Sounds like someone else's life is a little less exciting, too.

      Delete
    20. Dear Josh,

      Whaaaat! Wikipedia says that Dear Abby was a woman named Pauline.
      Your gf is right, you don't have enough geared towards housewives. And I forgot, of course men know everything about relationships, hahaha. I never do hear men wonder much about what's going, it seems like they just ask what's going on, or just don't think about it.... at all. Kidding!

      Yes, hahaha, Clearly flawed may be a bit harsh. Yeah.. Her bf isn't the best for her, so... And that's a thing, I know a couple of women who are not happy in their relationships, but they just stay in them, believing the man can/will change. I'm just like "Hoooney *snaps fingers* it's not happening." <-- I do this mentally. The men typically have emotional issues.

      Alright, well I'll let you have this one too. As long we agree that the attraction is superficial, compared to my bf.

      Ahem. Yes, my life is a lot less exciting. It is extremely depressing (not really). UGH Grad school, WHY. And perhaps, while I was studying, I wanted to live vicariously through him. Don't worry Josh; when I graduate, I will chase actual adventures instead of thinking about friends that goes on them.

      By the way, he just messaged me just now and said he would be in my hometown for a tournament. Annnnd that's it. I don't even know how to respond. It's just a fact, "I'm going to be in this city for the tournament." Not much to respond on, and he knows I'm not going to be home, so... :| I guess I'll just respond to it later

      Delete
    21. Hey Anonymous,

      Hmm, seems as if you're right. Wikipedia does say that. I'll bring that up to my girlfriend and see what she says. Looking into some of her stuff, wow, I love it. Maybe when people ask me questions I should give them a one-line answer and let them figure it out? You're right! You never do hear those things because men have all of the relationship answers in the world! Women are the ones who are concerned about anything regarding relationships. I see you caught my sarcasm.

      It might be a bit harsh, but it sounds true. It seems like way too many women stay in relationships when they can absolutely do better. Your girl friend sounds like a perfect example. Sometimes men change, but I will definitely agree with you that the grand majority of the time, they don't/won't. The notable changes I have seen are when a guy goes from being an alcoholic to cleaning himself up, and of course that is a seismic shift for the good. Ironically, when the woman finally leaves, a lot of times men don't see it coming and then they try to get back with the woman even though the woman has been struggling with leaving him for a while and finally has the courage to leave, so heck if she is coming back

      Alright, we will tentatively agree.

      Oh no, not Grad school. It is the antithesis of all things joy and happiness. You should have mentioned that from the beginning, since now I can understand why you would want to live vicariously through him. You don't have the time or energy to do it yourself. Understood. You took the suggestion right out of my keyboard.

      How ironic. I think we both know what he is wanting you to be with him even though you won't be there in any case, but if he knows you won't be home...hmm. Maybe trying to say something so it feels like there's something in common there?

      Delete
    22. Hi Josh,

      She just broke up with him. It wasn't a healthy relationship, and she's been telling me this for the past half a year. So it's nice that happened.
      Have you ever read "Love is a Story" by Robert Sternberg? It describes how each person's perception of love is different, and that's why a lot of people end up disappointed with it. In my friend's case, she wants the "Fairytale" like love, whereas the guy has some idea that conflict and struggle is the norm in a relationship, and getting over them means something, even if the obstacles were self created.

      Grad school, yes. Sometimes I'm doing work, and I'll just look up from my computer in the middle of my study session and completely forget why I'm doing this, hahaha.

      Maybe he wants me to be there, may be not? Um. I think he's popular enough, he has enough friends. So he probably just thinks of me when he thinks of the city we met in. I think I'm just going to accept this as the norm, and how a friendship with him is like. :)

      By the way, a friend was on Tinder and matched with a male model. It was funny because I knew him, and he seems so friendly, outgoing and INNOCENT in person. BUT, on tinder with her, he was posting suggestive sexy esque photos. Funny how there is such a different side to people. It made me think of this guy we've been talking about, and although he's aloof, hot and cold, I don't think he's as innocent as he presents himself. What do you think?

      For girls, I feel we pretty much present ourselves as we are.. If we're flirty, we're flirty, and nice is nice. haha

      Delete
    23. Hi Anonymous,

      Good for her, it didn't sound like a good and healthy relationship. Admittedly, I have not, even though I would like to say I search out relationship theory books. It looks like it might be interesting, though, so I might look into it. I have definitely known some people like that in my life, always women, who want the fairy tale relationship. Life doesn't quite work like that. Hopefully she gets over it, but maybe she won't.

      Will it all work out in the end where you think graduating from Grad School is worth it? Stay tuned!

      Sounds like a good assumption, since this seems like the kind of "friendship" he is into. As long as you know, and you obviously do, you should be fine playing with fire in this case.

      That is kind of interesting and I would definitely agree that people have different aspects to their personality and the internet tends to bring that out in people. I am with you, this guy of yours is definitely not as innocent as he appears to be. Would he kiss you if you initiated it? I am thinking he probably would. What do you think?

      You think it's that simple?

      Delete
    24. Hi Josh,

      She's getting over it and has gone on a couple of dates already. She's attractive and we felt that the previous unhealthy relationship has been dead for a while already.. And you're right, life is definitely not like a fairy tale relationship, it's just a set up for disappointment.

      Oh my goodness.. I hope Grad school is worth it... It hasn't been in several of my friends' case though.

      Yeah.. What fire? ;p Hahaha, there's been none. We hardly really keep in touch. Although he seems to routinely check my snapchats and is not much of a snapchatter poster himself... Sounds kind of like a settled and routine life. I don't think any of us really had that much time to check snapchat when we were out traveling, haha.

      Yeah, he would definitely kiss me if I initiated it.
      He would probably kiss a pole if it initiated it. I just thought it was funny and quite hmm.. I mean, it changes my perception. I don't see his innocence as innocence, I see it as a play to get close to girls. Yeah.. I think it's weird that the internet brings that out in people. I mean, it makes sense. But internet me is pretty much the same as in person me, so..

      You're right, it's not that simple. Well wait, I think so, I think some girls play mind games but the majority seem to the way they want to be, genuine and friendly in dating (kind of over generalizing here). The issue is that girls may think or over think about things way too deeply and complicate things..

      Delete
    25. Hey Anonymous,

      Geez, she got back on the proverbial horse quickly, but I get it, she was over the old relationship for a while and had mentally checked out. Let's both hope it's just a phase.

      Same here. I did the calculation and in my case, it didn't make a ton of sense. Hopefully it works out in your case.

      Oh, you caught that? There hasn't been any, but there was and there could be again! I don't think either of you has given up completely, at least him. This virtual conversation is proof of that.

      And there you go! You guys could be in a situation again where something could happen. Unlikely, but not impossible. I am with you, he is not innocent. Yeah, people for the most part change on the internet. It's unfortunate.

      As I've gotten older, I would tend to agree with you that girls are who they are, for the most part. Lol! Girls overthink and overcomplicate relationships? Know any girls like that? lol

      Delete
    26. Hi Josh,

      I'm still in grad school.

      And, "Lol! Girls overthink and overcomplicate relationships? Know any girls like that? lol"

      I see what you did there. Hahahah.

      I hope you have been well.

      Delete
    27. Hi Anonymous,

      It's been so long! How has life been? Mine has been great. Absolutely loving it right now.

      Glad you got the joke.

      Delete
  34. Hi Josh,

    I know my question is completely off topic but I needed some advice and I stumbled across your blogspot.

    I want to know how can you tell if a guy friend truly cares for you? I have this guy friend that I'm fairly close with (I don't have much male friends in the first place) and I'm comfortable enough to share a lot of my troubles with him. Whenever I'm having difficult time, I will go to him to seek comfort. He will often send me a couple of lengthy texts to comfort me. He has seen me cry so many times. Often he'll listen to me cry for an hour through the phone a lot as well because I mainly just breakdown by myself at night. When he sees me, he often asks if everything has been going okay. However there are times where I feel like he doesn't care though he reassures me that he'll forever be here when I need someone to talk to.

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    Replies
    1. Hey Anonymous,

      No topic is off-topic! Don't even worry about that. I appreciate you stumbling across my blog.

      From what you told me, it looks like he definitely does care about you. For a guy, if they don't care about a girl, they will not put themselves in a situation to comfort you, they will definitely not want you to cry to them on the phone, and they won't always ask if you're okay. If a guy doesn't care, he will try and distance himself from you. I would say this one definitely cares...

      And then you gave me that last sentence. Please expand on what you mean. What does he do that makes you feel like he doesn't? Sounds like he does quite a bit to make you feel like he cares and he makes you feel good, but is that counter-balanced by a lack of caring? I am very interested to see what he does to show you he doesn't care.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for such a quick response!

      I don't think I worded that last sentence properly. He hasn't done anything to show that he doesn't care but I get this vibe from him sometimes? I can't really put it into words.
      But so far he has been there for me every single time I go to him when something isn't right, maybe I'm just overthinking it.

      Delete
    3. You are very welcome! Okay, a vibe, I can go with that. If it's a gut feeling or something seems amiss, definitely listen to it. Those feelings are almost always right. I can't remember the last time I had a gut feeling that something wasn't quite right and had it be wrong. You may want to look into that a bit more.

      Delete
    4. What do guys think when a girl is crying to them? Never in a million years did I think I would ever do that, especially since I've attended an all girls school and I'm not good with guys at all

      Delete
    5. It depends on a lot of different factors, for sure, but usually, it's not nearly as bad as you might think. Guys who like you will be glad to comfort you, guys who don't, well...won't.

      Delete
  35. Part I - I I have been friends with J for 5 years. I had work here for about 4 months before I notice him and felt a spark. I kept hearing conflicted data on his stats. I decided to ask him. He said that he believes in “Sister Wives” which made me laugh; but he did not answer my question. I decided maybe the relationship was not leading to marriage. Next few months we got closer. He would share his desserts with me and feed me off his plate. I realize that I was in love with J. One day, I asked if he mind if I scheduled a girls' weekend the same time as his trip in Vegas. He said it would be fun. The trip was July 2013. In June, I let him know that all the girls had back out; but I still wanted to go. I wanted to spend a day or evening with him alone. He freaked and said no way. He said no and that people from work would notice that we were both gone at the same time. So, I said that I don’t care. He kept yelling why go then. I said that I would not go. Later, we had to meet about work. When I came into the room, he said that he notice that I changed my smell. I said what. He said that he noticed a new perfume. He apologized about Vegas and spoke about caring for me. In August, I decide to send him a letter and waited for over four days and no response. Finally, I went to his office around the end of the working day to speak with him. Then he said that first off that he love his fiancé and because she had waited for over ten years to marry him. Then he said that he knew that I love him. And that there would be someone else for me and the next time, the guy would not say no. I started to cry and he said that he was sorry and he just didn't want to hurt her-the fiancée. I asked him how he felt about me. He would not comment. He only said friendship. I said but you pursue me? I asked was it about my age or race being a factor with him. He said that he wanted to still be my friend and that he wanted to invite me to his wedding. I said maybe; I didn't want to lose him; so I said yes to friends. I told him that I needed time. The wedding was in October. Over next weeks, we finally spoke and he told me that he knew that I was avoiding him. He asked if he should send me an invite. I said yes make up my mind the day of the wedding. He asked to read a screenplay that I wrote about the situation. A week later, I ask for it back and he grab my hands and said that I knew that he was taken. I said that I didn't always know. After the wedding, I prepare myself for missing him. He went on his honeymoon on a Sunday and got back on a Tuesday; and email me on Wednesday. He asked if I was okay. Christmas, he gave me a gift from them both. Next year, some people at work found out about our friendship and he said that he was happily married and he said we should not hang out after work.

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  36. Part II - Two months later, his wife preggers. I was hurt that he didn't tell me. It was the only weird talk that we have ever had. I just didn't think they would have kids so soon. This was the man that I wanted to have kids with in the future. I was so broken. Our friendship didn't change that much until her seventh month, he started fights about nothing every week. The most vivid one was about why did I think he was interested in me anyway. I said how about the flirting, the pet names, the touching, starting at my breasts, late night calls, sex talks and daily compliments from my intoxicated smell to my thighs. He just said someone was stopping by so he may have hang up quickly which he did. It was his wife. I did not attend the office shower for them due to my feelings. I realize that I need to meet other guys and leave him alone. D was a mutual friend had just broken up with his girlfriend. I decide to check our vibe. I contacted J and congrats to him on the birth of his son then I asked how old "D" was. He said why? Later, I ran into D at a work function and we talk about our lives. J saw this and later called me. Then he suggest we get together for lunch. He wanted to invite other people from work. So, I said invite D. He balked and then replied that D had a girlfriend. I said no that he was mistaken. After some words, I was told by J that D was too busy to come and D wanted to get early jump on Valentine's Day with his new love. So, the conversation end. The day of the lunch, it was awkward scene. Later, he ask about my job search. I told him that I need a reference for the position at this university. He let me know that D was alumni. I didn't know that. Then J said never mind. I said what does that mean. He said never mind again .I look at J and he did not comment. I shook my head. Then he said that who call who first. Did I call D or did D call me? I said D did and smile. J said to me what was that look about. Then he demanded to know when did this sudden interest come about? J just stared at me. He has been very distance. He claims that it is business that keeps him from me. He keeps asking about D and myself. I just want my friend.

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  37. Hi Josh, first of let me say I enjoy reading your incite into the male perspective of things.I would love to see what your thoughts are on the situation I am in. It's a long story but I will do my best to give you the condensed version so here it goes:
    I have had this "guy friend" for over 13 years now. We actually became friends while I was dating his friend. After that relationship crashed and burned we became closer, he was there for me when my heart was broken. We hung out and text all the time but nothing physical ever happen. He pursued other women and I pursued other men. We have always been each others sounding board so to speak when it came to our relationships with others,and we have been through a lot together as friends. Over the years we still talked at least once a week (the longest we have gone without talking was 6 months while he was deployed). About 5 years ago our texting conversations became more flirty and lead into sexual conversations. We never acted on them just texting.( I should say we are both in long term relationships with other people) but we have always maintained communication through texting. Fast forward to about 4 months ago. We decided to meet up as we hadn't actually seen each other in years. We have meet up just talking a few times still nothing physical. Our conversations were still sexual. We have talked about seeing each other and having a physical relationship (regularly). About a week ago he asked me to sneak out to meet him, I did and things did become physical. A few days later things became weird, he is now saying that was a one time thing and he wants things to go back to the way things have always been with us (texting, even sexual conversations) but no more meeting up. So what gives? I feel like I have been played by someone I have put a lot of trust in he is truly the best guy friend I have ever had...so I'm wondering if it's possible to go back to the friendship we have always had or if I played right into his hands, gave him what he wanted and now he is done. I am so confused.

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like you have a pretty open and shut case here. He loves you sexually but not romantically. He has a great chance to be with you if he wants to and he clearly does not. He sees you as a sex object. You should definitely feel played and the fact that you're asking the question of if it can go back to the way it was. You know exactly what his agenda is, so I suspect your actions will be different regarding him in the future. Best of luck.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for responding. You said pretty much what I have been thinking, even if I was in denial. He's a douche!! I hate that I have invested so much time into a friendship that I now clearly see never really was. You live and you learn, right?! Thank you again for your response!

      Delete
    3. You are very welcome! I figured you knew exactly what was going on by your response. It's all good, you do live and learn. As long as you don't make the same mistake again, you'll be fine. Best of luck.

      Delete
  38. Part I - I I have been friends with J for 5 years. I had work here for about 4 months before I notice him and felt a spark. I kept hearing conflicted data on his stats. I decided to ask him. He said that he believes in “Sister Wives” which made me laugh; but he did not answer my question. I decided maybe the relationship was not leading to marriage. Next few months we got closer. He would share his desserts with me and feed me off his plate. I realize that I was in love with J. One day, I asked if he mind if I scheduled a girls' weekend the same time as his trip in Vegas. He said it would be fun. The trip was July 2013. In June, I let him know that all the girls had back out; but I still wanted to go. I wanted to spend a day or evening with him alone. He freaked and said no way. He said no and that people from work would notice that we were both gone at the same time. So, I said that I don’t care. He kept yelling why go then. I said that I would not go. Later, we had to meet about work. When I came into the room, he said that he notice that I changed my smell. I said what. He said that he noticed a new perfume. He apologized about Vegas and spoke about caring for me. In August, I decide to send him a letter and waited for over four days and no response. Finally, I went to his office around the end of the working day to speak with him. Then he said that first off that he love his fiancé and because she had waited for over ten years to marry him. Then he said that he knew that I love him. And that there would be someone else for me and the next time, the guy would not say no. I started to cry and he said that he was sorry and he just didn't want to hurt her-the fiancée. I asked him how he felt about me. He would not comment. He only said friendship. I said but you pursue me? I asked was it about my age or race being a factor with him. He said that he wanted to still be my friend and that he wanted to invite me to his wedding. I said maybe; I didn't want to lose him; so I said yes to friends. I told him that I needed time. The wedding was in October. Over next weeks, we finally spoke and he told me that he knew that I was avoiding him. He asked if he should send me an invite. I said yes make up my mind the day of the wedding. He asked to read a screenplay that I wrote about the situation. A week later, I ask for it back and he grab my hands and said that I knew that he was taken. I said that I didn't always know. After the wedding, I prepare myself for missing him. He went on his honeymoon on a Sunday and got back on a Tuesday; and email me on Wednesday. He asked if I was okay. Christmas, he gave me a gift from them both. Next year, some people at work found out about our friendship and he said that he was happily married and he said we should not hang out after work.
    Please Respond

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  39. Part II - Two months later, his wife preggers. I was hurt that he didn't tell me. It was the only weird talk that we have ever had. I just didn't think they would have kids so soon. This was the man that I wanted to have kids with in the future. I was so broken. Our friendship didn't change that much until her seventh month, he started fights about nothing every week. The most vivid one was about why did I think he was interested in me anyway. I said how about the flirting, the pet names, the touching, starting at my breasts, late night calls, sex talks and daily compliments from my intoxicated smell to my thighs. He just said someone was stopping by so he may have hang up quickly which he did. It was his wife. I did not attend the office shower for them due to my feelings. I realize that I need to meet other guys and leave him alone. D was a mutual friend had just broken up with his girlfriend. I decide to check our vibe. I contacted J and congrats to him on the birth of his son then I asked how old "D" was. He said why? Later, I ran into D at a work function and we talk about our lives. J saw this and later called me. Then he suggest we get together for lunch. He wanted to invite other people from work. So, I said invite D. He balked and then replied that D had a girlfriend. I said no that he was mistaken. After some words, I was told by J that D was too busy to come and D wanted to get early jump on Valentine's Day with his new love. So, the conversation end. The day of the lunch, it was awkward scene. Later, he ask about my job search. I told him that I need a reference for the position at this university. He let me know that D was alumni. I didn't know that. Then J said never mind. I said what does that mean. He said never mind again .I look at J and he did not comment. I shook my head. Then he said that who call who first. Did I call D or did D call me? I said D did and smile. J said to me what was that look about. Then he demanded to know when did this sudden interest come about? J just stared at me. He has been very distance. He claims that it is business that keeps him from me. He keeps asking about D and myself. I just want my friend.

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    1. Hey, I apologize, I thought I responded to every comment but clearly I missed one. What comes next can only be described as "tough love." I hope I don't hurt your feelings or sound mean from any of this, but it needs to be said.

      I think J was slightly, only slightly, interested in you at some point, but he very, very clearly is not anymore and has not been for some time. He has been pushing you away somewhat nicely for a while and I don't think he knows how to get you out of his life completely. He does not want any interaction with you and he definitely does not want to be with you romantically. It is rough because you guys work together, which is always a minefield when it comes to relationships which is why a lot of people don't date people they work with.

      Regarding D: If I was J, I would think it smacks of you trying to make him jealous. Seriously, out of all the guys out there in the world, and there are over 3 billion of them, you pick the one who J is friends with? It doesn't even sound like you were particularly interested in him, but that he was the low-hanging fruit and you went for it. Is J jealous? Perhaps a bit, but that doesn't matter anymore.

      If you are honest with yourself, this was never a friendship. You said there was a spark and clearly, over the past two years, you have been trying to get with him and he has, for 90%+ of the time, been rejecting your advances. There was not a friendship. I do not do any of those things you mentioned with my female friends. He is married now with a child and that still does not stop you. He should have told you, politely, to please leave a while ago, but he hasn't, he has passively done so.

      I am telling you this because I care and because I see where this is going. If you can get another job, great, get another job. I would delete J's number and D's, for that matter, from your phone, get them off of your Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media. Don't talk to J, there is no need to. He doesn't want to talk. You want answers and closure, but you won't get it. He is married now and that is it. Everything else he is throwing out there are excuses. You need to focus on yourself for a while and find a guy outside of work. Try online dating, maybe Plenty of Fish or something to get your feet wet and you will quickly see that there are tons of other guys out there who find you desirable. This whole ignoring him thing might pique his interest, but that is not the point of this exercise. You need to get both of them out of your life. Best of luck, hope I wasn't too harsh, but I can't stand seeing you getting hurt anymore, which is where this is definitely heading. You deserve better.

      Delete
  40. Thank you Josh. I do appreciate your candor. I have felt this way sometime; but he always tell me that I am wrong. Once again thanks! I wish that I could get a new job. However I do believe he loves me in his own way. Your blog is great!

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    1. You're welcome! He sounds like he is trying to play both sides of it, too, but I would definitely move on, You can definitely do better. He probably does care about you at some level, but at what level that is, I have no idea and I don't think he knows, either. You're welcome! I appreciate the comments.

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  41. Josh,
    I am moving on. I just didn't want to lose him as a friend. But, I guess our relationship is not really friendly lately. I also think he does not know what he wants. But it is not for me to worry about it anymore. I love him; but I love myself more. I deserve to be happy and sane. Thanks once again.

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    1. You can say that again! Best of luck to you and please come back and keep us (me) updated. I'll probably still be here.

      Delete
  42. Hi josh, I have been reading your blog since yesterday! So insightful, especially compared to other bs websites written by women, we can never truly get it right in regards to men's thoughts, so thank you, from a slightly confused 31 year old ... Yep that's right, these "issues" don't get any easier with age ...

    Ok here goes, I met a guy at work I'm January, we instantly hit it off, he is very friendly, a bit of a joker but charming and straight to the point at the same time. I'm single, he is recently engaged (Valentine's Day) when we were both in the office alone, we had all kinds of conversations about previous relationships, sex, moments that have made us cringe. We are always joking around, but only ever discussed sex with other people in the past, never crossing that boundary as his GF sounds like a really good person etc. however I got the feeling that if we were both single maybe things would have progressed beyond friends.
    I was on a temporary contract, he tried everything to get my contract extended, he even asked our manager in front of my face if there were any strings she could pull, this was a very uncomfortable moment, he later told me he did that intentionally because he wanted to kind of back her into a corner, anyway there was nothing she could do and I left when my contract ended.

    Since April, we have kept in touch, maybe every 6 weeks or so, purely friendly, again no boundaries crossed, he always asks how my love life is, I fill him in on my latest disaster, he often points out the guys flaws and says if he was single he would definitely snap me up, we joke about it, end of conversation.
    However in the last 2-3 weeks, we have been in contact more, 3 times initiated by him, me twice.
    He got in touch in a panic because he thought he had sent a dick pic to me instead of his girl as my name was below hers in contacts. I never got this alleged pic, we joked about it, I said he should just show her the real deal and not risk a pic in future. He then stated that he doesn't think she would be that bothered! I assumed he was joking, he said he shouldn't have mentioned it ...
    I told him they should talk, gotta meet in the middle re sex drive/ needs met. He then just joked it all off but now our text have becom much more suggestive... He says it all "banter" but we can go from a normal conversation and each time it ends up being about sex. He know I have a high sex drive and says it's a good job we are not together as I would wear him out :-/
    I always mention his gf, you know to remind him she exists! And they are getting married. He has never cheated on her, he knows I've been cheated on and hate it. He only ever says good things about her apart from the sex drive thing. And is generally a good guy, everyone he works with loves him both men and women.
    I've decided to back off as I realise this is dangerous territory. We get on so well, it's just hard, to be perfectly honest, there is a spark there but I think it's much better as a fantasy, I would never do anything with him while he's attached, do you think he just wants me to fill the excitement void he has? Or is he looking to see if I can be his " in case of emergency, break glass girl"

    I appreciate your honest response, thank in advance :)

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  43. Just to add to this, I'm a single parent, he would never let me pay for lunch when we went out at work, sometimes he'd buy too much food and say "take it home for your emelia"
    Very thoughtful..
    He also offered to set me up with a guy I liked at work but to my knowledge .. He never did, whenever I said I was talking to a new guy he would ask his name and immediately look him up on Facebook.
    I never thought this was strange at the time, but now I'm not so sure

    Thanks

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  44. Hey Staying Single! What a loyal fan I have since yesterday! In all seriousness, thank you so much for reading the blog, commenting, and using an actual Google account. Without further ado:

    It doesn't get any easier with age although we may have more of our lives together. I look back at my relationship even from seven years ago and I go "wow, I was not the sharpest tack in the box."

    I am going to lay it out there for you because this one seems pretty straightforward. You are spot-on with your statement that he just sees you as his "in case of emergency, break glass" girl. The majority of your conversations are about sex or sexual things. I don't see any evidence of anything resembling relationship talk or anything from you that leads me to believe you see him as a potential husband or long-term boyfriend. It seems purely sexual in nature.

    There is very clearly sexual tension and attraction between both of you and you and I both know what he would do if you offered yourself to him in that way. Would he leave his fiancée for you? I don't think either of us believe he would do that. However, that being said, there is no way him and his fiancée should get married. No way, no way, no way. Did I mention they shouldn't get married? I did? Good. I would never ever, ever do what he is doing to his fiancée to any girlfriend I have ever had. It is not okay and it is completely disrespectful to her. He is being downright shady and I am sure he is not telling his girlfriend about your...conversations.

    The women who comment on my blog tend to already know the answers to their questions before they ask them. In your case specifically, I suspect you know everything and just want confirmation. Here it is: Everything you're thinking is probably right. You don't seem to want a relationship with him and that's good because he doesn't want one with you and he would undoubtedly do the same thing to you that he's doing to his fiancée. It's nice that men and women love him, but it is sad that he is treating his girl like this. You deserve way better and it's great because you know you deserve way better.

    Your guy "friend" is awkwardly possessive of you sexually. It's not unusual or even surprising since he knows you guys have something going, so he believes he owns you and wants other guys to stay away. I'm sure he didn't want to set you up with someone.

    Him not bringing up his girlfriend, you feeling the way you feel, on top of everything else: he is in it for sex and that's it. It is very thinly veiled and you saw right through him. Kudos to you for being a single parent, you deserve it. Best of luck to you. Please let me know how it turns out.

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  45. Hey Josh,
    Thank you so much for your response. It is spot on! I cannot dispute anything you said, especially the part about how much they should NOT be getting married. But this is none of my business. I got a message from him yesterday apologising for being "rude" I just said I'm not about to judge him, I assumed he was joking, obviously as your not single. I do not think I will be hearing from him for quite some time.. If ever! He is clearly feeling embarrassed... Either that or he was hoping I was say "it's all good, carry on being rude"
    I always thought he was an awesome guy, but now I feel it's the scenario as always ...
    You think your friends, but really they wanna get in your pants! I have lost a lot of guy friends this way, which I sad I feel.

    You broke this down in simple terms, for which I am very grateful, it's nice to know there are still very decent guys out there too

    Thanks again
    Staying single

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    1. Hey Staying Single,

      My girlfriend and I were cheering you on throughout your post, so good for you, we don't cheer for people often. They should categorically not be getting married. I virtually object! He should apologize for being "rude." He should do a bit more than that. I wonder if he apologized to his fiancée. Nice of you to let him off the hook a bit. I imagine he will mysteriously become busier as well, leading to less time communicating with you. At least you see it with this guy, you had him pegged from the get go.

      Unfortunately, that is typically the way it is. Sex gets mixed in way too much in guy-girl friendships and it wrecks everything. I have gone out of my way too only be friends with women I'm not sexually attracted to and it works out really, really well. I highly recommend it. Even when I was single, it worked like a charm. I understand why it hurts that it is so hard to find a good guy friend, but you will if you want to, you're worth it. One thing is for sure, the next guy you get together with is going to be way better than this one, I have no doubt about it.

      Thank you for the kind words, they are always appreciated. You know where to find me for updates. Best of luck to you.

      Delete
  46. Hi Josh,

    I know this guy friend of mine for quite a while now. From the beginning he is quite touchy feely with me. I thought it is just his habit and did not think much of it. The thing is he touches me every time he sees me especially when people are around. He touches my hair and plays with it especially when I am in conversation with certain guy friends. I have even with his close(r) friends, he is touchy but not as much as he is with me. He would talk to about other girls that he knows or is interested in front of me but I never see him touch any of them, not even a friendly touch except for a hand shake or a high five. I try not to read into things too much but I find it odd to have soft headbutt sort of touch. I am a friendly person but I am not touchy and I never initiated any sort of touching. I don't know if I come off as an easy person to have him behave that way with me. Thankfully he does not touch me or make me feel uncomfortable when we are alone.

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    1. This is a pretty open and shut case. Assuming he is straight, and it looks like he is, he definitely would like you in, well, you know what way, and he has for a long time. He definitely has an interesting way of showing it and you seem okay keeping him around for some reason. It looks like you don't like him like that. Time to have a talk with him?

      Delete
    2. Hi Josh,
      Thank you very much for the quick reply. I need to keep him around since we have to work together and yes, I do not mind having him around. I am just embarrassed from time to time due to all the touchiness in front of people. I would like to have a talk. But, every time I think about it, all the interest and talk about other girls came to mind and I thought maybe I am reading into things to much and that might just be how most touchy people would do to with the friends they are comfortable with.It is not like I am being asked out and I can just tell him straight out. So I was not sure how to react. Looks like I do need to talk. Thank you again for the advice.

      Delete
    3. Hi Kim.

      Thank you for coming back to reply. Since he is a work colleague, that decision is basically made for you that you have to keep him around. I would definitely recommend talking to him about it because guys can be pretty dense about this sort of thing. He probably doesn't even know how much it bothers you. It is obviously bothering you, which is reason enough to try and effect change. You can do something very casual "hey *insert name,* I wanted to ask you if you could just touch me a little less, especially when we're around people?" He should get it immediately and he'll probably back off from touching you in front of people. Mission accomplished. You're welcome! Best of luck.

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  47. Josh, you seem to understand men pretty well. I haven't been able to get ANY advice on my situation, and it is eating me alive.
    I am 33 and married, but newly separated and my spouse will be moving out within the week. Mentally, I've been out of this marriage for years. I have no emotion about the breakup, except with regard to my kids. So bear that in mind when you understand my feelings for this guy.
    So I have a co-worker who became my friend. We began working together over a year ago, and we work closely and really well together. He is 31 and single/never married. He flirts with anything with a pulse, but is not a man-whore. But he flirts on different levels with different people, which I really do not understand.
    Anyway - We hang out sometimes alone. He volunteered to go out of town with me for a weekend of training, just the two of us. We did not share a room and we did not (have not ever) had any sort of sexual contact. We went out to dinner and drinks. We enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot together. We are both intellectual and enjoy deep conversations about philosophy and theology and so forth.
    He has flirted with me some, but I have a feeling that he's careful of it because I'm married and he tries to respect that. But I feel a definitive sexual tension between us.
    Over the last several weeks since we returned from our training trip, he's behaved a little differently. He avoids eye contact more often at work, seems to avoid being in my direct presence at work, and just seems aloof at work. But we have gone out for drinks once since the trip and then met up for a movie another time - so I know he's not avoiding being in my company at all. Then he does things that are mixed messages, such as pulling a chair next to his and putting his arm around it - to which I responded with a quick snuggle (would have kept it longer, but awkwardly enough, this was in a staff meeting with our boss). Or he says something smart-assed and I say "What was that??", to which he responds with a sheepish and goofy "I love you". Or while walking toward a restaurant, I was walking a couple of steps ahead and he stops and says "are we walking together or what?". So you'd understand how those things could send me messages that he's into me - but then his body language and behavior say he isn't. He is an introvert and dating co-workers is against the rules in our office ... but I cannot figure out how he really feels.

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  48. CONT....

    I am absolutely in love with him. I genuinely feel like he is the one I've been waiting for my whole life. We compliment each other in so many ways. We feel comfortable with one another. We laugh a lot and have so many common interests.
    He is HOT. Beautiful eyes and a smokin' body. I am not hot. I am definitely attractive, but I'm a size 8, curvy, and perhaps don't have the best self-esteems. I do not feel like I'm his "type", physically. But I feel like we fit like a puzzle in terms of everything else.
    A few months ago, my mother said to me "You need to get divorced and go after him ... he's your soul mate". I blew that off, but as we've gotten closer, I can't help but think maybe she's right. (Side note, I'm not leaving my husband for this man - my marriage simply failed)
    What should I think? With him being severely introverted (not SHY - just introverted) and afraid of rejection (which I know for a fact), as well as our work situation and my complicated marriage situation ... is he just not taking initiative because trying to be with me would be full of complexities? Or does he not like me like that? How can I really tell?
    I've begun flirting some with him. Last week he stood close to me and I stayed close. I locked eyes with him and didn't look away - and I cannot tell you about the chills it sent through my body. Even thinking about it gives me chills.
    I have no desire for a sexual relationship with him until my marriage is completely dissolved, but I would love to start looking at our friendship in a "more than friends" sort of way. Do you think he feels this way? I have no idea. Do you need more info? Feel free to ask me questions and engage - I am DESPERATE.

    Thanks in advance!

    -Deeply in love

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    1. Hi Deeply in Love,

      This might be lengthy, but you can reply in pieces if you want. Should I probably wait until the morning after getting some sleep? Yeah, but I wanted to reply as soon as possible. I have to ask, have you not asked anyone for an opinion or do they not want to get involved? I would assume the former, even though you did say you talked to your mom about him. You and I both know that separated isn't divorced, unfortunately. You didn't mention if you are actually getting completely divorced. I understand staying together for the kids, and I get all of the studies that say the kids are better off for it (even if I completely disagree with it), but in your case, he is moving out, so I don't understand how that is much different for the kids than divorce. Maybe I'm wrong. Seems like you would be a lot happier to be divorced.

      I do want to go ahead and start with something you mentioned in the second comment. You don't have to worry about being "hot." By that, I am assuming you mean you don't think you're sexy? Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. You said you're attractive, and given that women tend to know if they're attractive or not, I believe you. Given that you're married and that you have this "hot" guy in this situation, you have two more feathers in your proverbial cap. Obviously you're attracting guys, and you don't need to be "hot" for guys to think you're the greatest woman in the world.

      Googling what a size 8 looks like, and no, I couldn't tell you off-hand, thus the Googling, I believe the grand majority of guys would prefer someone who is right around a size 8. Curves are good. Virtually no one wants the super thin or even the regularly thin woman. I don't. I never have. Most of the women that guys think are the "hottest" have cleavage, butts, and curves. I think the self-esteem issue is the root of you thinking you are less than the most desirable woman you can be. Maybe it is due to the divorce or things your spouse said, maybe it's other reasons, but from the sound of it, you have absolutely no reason to believe you aren't amazing. Ahem, back to the story:

      Good for you not doing anything sexual with him since you're still married. That is pretty admirable. Honestly, and I hesitate a bit as I type this, I wouldn't be too mad if you had done something with him, but you're right, it's wrong and you shouldn't do it. I'm not sure if I think he's being respectful for just flirting with you somewhat as opposed to full-on since you're married.

      I'll be honest with you, I'm not positive, since men can sometimes be hard to read, but I'm pretty sure. Usually if guys no longer like you in that way, which happens, we will try and have as little interaction with you as possible, everything seems kind of forced, and we want to move on and forget. This guy is doing a bit of that, but just a bit. Otherwise, he is more than happy to spend time with you and you guys went out for drinks and a movie, so no, he is still where he was at before...or is he? Here's my theory:

      Delete
    2. It is exactly what you suspect. He feels for you, too. He probably wants nothing more than to rip your clothes of and take you, exactly like you want. However, as you also suspect, he is hesitant due to the fact that, well, you're married. Can you blame him? You have also put him in quite the spot. You love him, which is cool, by the way, but you can't/won't be sexual with him until you're divorced and you haven't said if/when you expect that to be.

      You may need to take a bit of the initiative in this case since you're married. Maybe a closer than friends hug? Maybe grab his hand for a handhold? After that, would a kiss be too far? You could test the waters by going for the hug, and especially the handhold, I'm sure he would go for it, then put him in a great situation to kiss you. All of that only applies, of course, if you are okay with doing all of that since you're still married. It's all about your own moral compass. It must be hard for you, knowing that the guy you really want is right there and you can have him, but you're not sure if you should. Imagine being him. What the heck is he supposed to do?

      I would caution you, though, that I don't like the fact that he flirts with anything that has a pulse. I doubt that would magically change if you guys got together. Definitely something to keep in mind and think about if you would be okay with that.

      I do really hope you respond back because I am really interested to see what happens. Best of luck.

      Delete
    3. Wow - thanks so much for your reply, and in such a short time.
      Allow me to clarify a few things:
      He is a minister. So am I. While we are held to higher standards, we're still human and still need love and still make mistakes in marrying the wrong people (I'll take that blame).
      I do plan to get divorced...but my job makes that more complicated. It is taboo for me to be divorced, so it has to happen in a low-key and quiet manner. My husband has cheated on me and our marriage has just been in ruins for the last 3 years, so there are grounds, but everyone doesn't see things this way. You're right - separated isn't divorced. I want to be divorced so that I can move on, but it is complex with kids. And honestly? The kids are the only reason I'm not divorced yet. Their dad and I are amicable about our split, so I feel like we can move at a pace that will allow the kids to adjust the best. But then I have my own problem that warrants the divorce going quickly. I don't want to push through the divorce quickly just so I can see what happens with my guy friend. That would be wrong. But then I don't know if I can see what will happen with my guy friend if I'm not divorced.
      You asked if I have talked to anyone about this. My friend and our mutual co-worker knows about it, but she has no advice. She says she cannot read him, and she doesn't know him super personally. She also is unable to read his body language.
      I did not talk to my mom about it - she asked me. This guy friend comes to my kids' birthday parties. They adore him. She picked up on some vibes when he was over for a party. I have no idea how - I hardly talked to him the whole time he was over for that.

      In response to my not being "hot". I don't know what I mean. I'm cute. That's a better way to put it. I love fiercely and loyally (unless I'm betrayed). I love to smile and make other people happy. There are many great qualities about me that I am able to recognize - but I guess my view of my self is very skewed. See? I had a major weight problem as a child and have lost 160 pounds. I still have a hard time thinking of myself as thin and beautiful. I have lots of little things - like most women - that I dislike about myself. I guess I am trying to learn how to love all of those things, regardless. I'm not model or actress hot or beautiful. I'm cute. Attractive. I am excited that I am a size 8, but all the other women he's dated are teeny. They are super skinny and petite. I'm neither of those. 5'7" and a size 8 ... I'm a "big" framed woman. Nothing petite about me. But curvy and cute. Yes. But I don't know if that matters to him or not....that I'm not his type.

      I do believe strongly in not having sexual relations with him before I'm completely divorced, because I feel like that would set us off on the wrong foot in terms of relationship foundation. I won't lie - I WANT to, but I feel like it's necessary to hold off. That way, also, we don't get into a sexual relationship that I quickly push through a divorce for, only to find that that's the basis of our relationship (which isn't true already, but ... you know ... ).

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    4. -Deeply in love

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  49. In terms of his flirting - let me elaborate a bit. He has flirted with me, but gently and not super often. He has flirted a lot and often with our mutual co-worker, but she has no interest in him. She is also very flirty, and I seem to feel like they just enjoy the act of flirting. They aren't even good friends - just silly flirting. I have gotten a little jealous of this sometimes. I feel like I don't understand why he doesn't flirt much with me when we have a deep relationship and care for each other. I really don't understand it. I figured it must be that I'm married?? I did tell him about 6 months ago that I needed to focus on my marriage, and that I needed his prayers for my family. I'm sure that didn't help my current cause. But I wanted to give the best effort I could at saving my family before giving in. I tried.
    This guy is super hard to read. He is a PRO at packing away his emotions and putting on a mask. So I don't know if that's what is happening. I'm not sure if that's why I can't read him or if he doesn't feel the same way? Do guys hide their real feelings when they like someone? This is what I'm wondering about him. He isn't flirting with me much, but he's sending the mixed signals as I told you about earlier. He seems to "notice" me ... noticed my glasses, made a nerdy comment one day about me wearing black, said the other day that I always look like I'm ready for a photo ... etc. Acts awkward sometimes. Avoids eye contact. Then he does things like says "I love you" in response to a smart ass comment. Or snuggles in front of our boss. You know? It's a freaking hard to read situation.

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  50. Most of the time when we go out to a restaurant, he'll sit on my right and turn and put his feet on my chair. That body language seems receptive to me. All of that, along with the fact that we're friends and enjoy each other's company, and he SAID "I love you" the other day - though in a goofy context - I feel like I'm not crazy for being in love with him and wondering if he has feelings. But I cannot be certain.
    I want to make a move, but I don't want to be rejected. I want to tell him, but I don't want to ruin our friendship and working relationship.
    You make an excellent point in asking "what the heck is he supposed to do?" You're right. I think he can't win regardless of what he does. He can't pursue me, knowing I'm married. That's wrong.
    So as I'm going through the separation and divorce process, can I pursue him? I'm ok with him kissing me. But I don't know how to get him to do that. I've never really dated. I married young, and married the second guy I dated. I am awful at flirting and awful at trying to read this situation. HOW do I let him know I am into him? And then at what point should I stop trying if he doesn't reciprocate? Should I try to talk about it all? Or is that just awkward? I thought about asking him casually on a date "hey - I got these tickets to this event, do you wanna be my date?" But I didn't know if that was too subtle?
    I'm awful at this, Josh!!

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    1. - Deeply in love again...my last post. Thanks for helping. I'm so confused and distraught.

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    2. Your vocation definitely complicates matters. I noticeably didn't see a timeline for when you expect the divorce to be finalized, which, needless to say, complicates things. Seems like you're torn between a quick process and a slower and more thorough one, and this whole thing with your "friend" is in there somewhere, maybe or maybe not playing a role. I'm sorry to hear that regarding your marriage and how he cheated on you. No one deserves that.

      Wow! Look at that co-worker heading for the hills in terms of advise. Can't say I blame her since you work together and it's best she stay out of this one. So he has met your kids and they like him. Interesting since usually that comes way later in the courtship process, but seeing as how he is officially a work colleague, I can see how that would make sense. Either way, it's nice that he gets along with your kids even though you may not technically be in a relationship with him for quite a while, dependent on your divorce timeline.

      That makes sense regarding the weight problem leading to self-esteem issues. We always see ourselves as that young kid who weighed way too much, don't we? It sounds like from what you described that you have absolutely nothing to worry about in the looks or attractiveness department. I actually prefer cute to "hot" and I am sure many other guys do as well. As far as you not being his type, while that matters a little, it doesn't nearly as much as you may think. I'll use myself as an example:

      Virtually every woman I've dated, even when I was a teenager, looked more or less the same. Same general build, hair, height, all of it was a specific type. Then I met my current girlfriend and she looks absolutely nothing like any of the others, not even a little bit. I like her better even though she is nothing like my type that I thought I liked. This guy sods like he might be in the same situation with you. He already likes you and wants you, so that part is covered. The time for worrying if you are his type is long gone. You already won that battle.

      I know what you mean regarding not wanting any of the sexual part of a relationship until the divorce is finalized. That's a very adult way of looking at it.

      Okay, so it's not quite true that he "flirts with anything with a pulse." One other woman, okay, still not great, but way better than what you stated originally. Yeah, telling him you're wanting to focus on your marriage, especially when you stated it has been over for a while, probably wasn't he best move and it's easy to see why he is tentative because of all of your mixed signals. Yes, your mixed signals. Deep down, you knew your marriage was over. It didn't look like it was going to be a forever arrangement, but what's done is done and it looks like you haven't completely sunk yourself.

      Yes, guys absolutely can put on a mask and hide their emotions. Guys can push past all of the distractions and have a laser-like focus on one thing. It's useful, but it has serious drawbacks. I can't tell you how many times I have done that with work. Women, on the other hand, seem like they can focus on many different things at once all the time, but it seems harder for them to let all of the outside stuff fall by the wayside and focus on one thing. I could be completely wrong about that, but that's my experience. It's why women are great mothers and nurturers while men seem to fall into workaholism or some other obsession far easier. I can definitely see your guy trying as hard as he can to make everything less awkward and not obvious.

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    3. This guy definitely has feelings for you, and I still contend he would be more than happy to be with you. If all of this stuff is just because he sees you as good friends, than I am willing to, as they say, chalk it up to the game and move on. He is displaying so many signs that he is interested in you, but it's the marriage that's holding him back, and I can't blame him, although the way he acts definitely has some inconsistencies, but I'll forgive him for those. He seemingly wants to set boundaries since you're married, but I don't see a ton of boundaries being set here.

      You definitely don't have to worry about ruining your friendship because there is no friendship to ruin. This is definitely not a friendship. Not even close. If I was in your guy's shoes, my girlfriend would have very right to accuse me of being unfaithful. This is not a friendship. The working relationship is a better argument, but it still doesn't hold up. If you guys stay exactly how you are, it is already impacting your working circumstances as you have noted a few times. If you guys completely stopped talking to each other now, then it would be just as awkward. It's too late to worry about salvaging your working relationship.

      I am with you, don't just pour out your feelings and see what happens. There is no intrigue there and I generally don't like that. I would go out on a "date" with him. Something fun, like miniature golfing, an arcade, bowling, maybe even go grocery shopping with him. Seriously, the latter one can be a date. If you cook, you could invite him along with you to do the grocery shopping to make whatever it is and hopefully you can make it at his place, or if your kids and spouse won't be there, then at your place. Then you both can cook together and be flirty during that. If you choose one of the casual options, during that, grab his hand and start the handhold. He will definitely go for it. Then, when there is an opportunity, stare into his eyes, then look at his lips, maybe pull slightly closer if you want, but hopefully he takes the hint and kisses you. He definitely should go for it at this point. Once you've held hands and kissed, the next parts are up to you. I recommend going out somewhere with him and putting yourself in a position to hold hands, for sure, and be kissed. If you really do have event tickets, then that works to, but I like places where you can interact better. Ice skating is another winner and talk about an easy opportunity to hold hands, kiss, and be flirty!

      What if he doesn't reciprocate, refuses the handhold, or won't kiss you? At this point you have two options: 1. Ignore it and move on, forever having this awkwardness and wondering why not. 2. Call it out. I clearly prefer option 2. Then, you have basically put your cards on the table, so call out that elephant in the room. Ask him how he's feeling and maybe it will all come pouring out, probably after a bit of prodding, but he'll probably tell you, then go from there.

      Sounds like a lot of uncertainty on your end, but I think you're in a great position with this guy. Don't worry! You can do this!

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    4. Hey, Josh! It's me again, Deeply in love. Only this time I don't have great news. My "guy" started dating someone just a couple of days after our two hour lunch about 4 weeks ago that I told you about. He brought her to our workplace the week before last, & I met her then. I asked him about her just in a friendly way, and he said "oh yeah she's just a friend." But he introduced her to our boss is someone he had been seeing for several weeks. Through all of that, I found out that during the weekend we had been out of town, he was texting his girlfriend, booty calling another girl that was there with us, flirting with me, and flirting with three other women all at the same time.
      I was terribly disappointed with his behavior, & I simply can't be part of that. So this past weekend, I sent him an email and told him that when I ask him to hang out or go do things, that it is simply because hanging out is fun and he's my friend. I told him that my motives were pure, that I love him as my friend and wanted to be supportive of him, but that I didn't want him to think there's anything else to it. I'm devastated at having had to do this, but I did not know what else to do. I'm so disappointed in the way he has behaved lately, and what it seems his character is made up of. On the other hand, I don't really believe that that's his true character...But that's what he's doing right now. I will not be part of that. I am still very much in love with him, and we are very compatible, but right now I just have to step aside and let him be or do what he's going to do and move on with my own life. I do believe that if it's meant to be, it will be. I would really like your input on the situation. As I said, I am devastated that I had to tell him that we are only friends... But I had to. He has not responded to my email, & I sent it 3 days ago. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I didn't know what else to do. I really needed to smooth over the things that are going on so that our work place can be normal. What do you think? I am not sure how to move forward... But I will. I'm going to have to pretend like there's nothing out of the ordinary, that everything is totally fine, and then I'm happy. But I'm not. I do actually believe, that he is in love with me, but that he didn't know whether he should or whether he could approach that. But then he started dating someone else... Had he just left it alone and I knew that he was in love with me and we just kept it from afar, I could have dealt with that... But he didnt. He decide to start dating someone else. In addition, this past weekend we were supposed to go see a play together, and he bailed out on me, switch the night, and then went with another girl. It's just too much for me, & I don't deserve to be treated this way, especially by someone who loves me. What do you think Josh? I just don't know exactly what to do. I know that I've made the right decision in terms of self-respect, but I do love him. I want to be there to be his friend. I don't know if the email was the right thing to do, or if telling him that his long train of women is too long and I don't want to be part of it was a bad idea. I would love your input again. Thanks so much for all you've done... You have made a lot of this far more bearable for me. Thank you

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    5. Hi Deeply in Love,

      You say it isn't great news, but in the long-term, I think it's spectacular news. Unfortunately, the worst case scenario has come to fruition. He is truly seeing someone else, and he is very possibly dating multiple women, which, in his defense, is his prerogative, but that tells you everything you need to know. He's out and about in the world being single and not focusing on you. Does he care about you? Very possibly, but that doesn't matter anymore. It's over between you and him and I will argue that it is a great thing.

      Why is it such a great thing? You guys clearly weren't meant to be together. His actions prove it. If he wanted you, he could have had you. You got closure which many people do not get. The email was fine, but from now on, I would highly recommend going No Contact with him. No texts, emails, talking, Facebook stalking, social media, nothing. Cut him from your life. I know it might be very difficult, but if you can switch to a different job location, do it. Be away from him so you can heal. This is probably going to be like a breakup and that is okay. Feel the feelings. Take it from someone who has had some breakups in his day: one of my biggest, if not the biggest, regret I have with my exes is staying in contact with them for as long as I did or reaching out to initiate contact. If I could go back, I would have made a clean break and never communicated with them again.

      I would recommend journaling since it really helps with the process and you get to see all of the progress you're making. Going through with the divorce seems like a big step in the right direction and you'll be able to date again, after you heal from this, with no real baggage. And no, kids aren't truly baggage, in case you're wondering. In the long term, you are going to be better off without this guy. From your initial post, I had reservations about his excessive flirting, which you said wasn't a big deal, but inevitably it was, and that's okay.

      I completely agree that him bailing on you wasn't very nice. He clearly doesn't respect you or doesn't want anything to do with you, which is fine. If he wants to help you, then not contacting you is the best thing for you at this point. You've given him the benefit of the doubt far too many times and he inevitably hasn't deserved it.

      Please come back to let me know what happens, I'll be here. I am glad I could help, even if a little bit! Best of luck!

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  51. Hi Josh,

    Awhile back I asked you how do I know if a guy friend truly cares for you, you replied with what does he do to show that he doesn't and I responded with that I just had a feeling?

    Now I guess I can confirm that my feelings was unfortunately true. I came to him with a personal problem and his responses was so different from before. It sounded as if he wasn't bothered anymore, however in the past he would tell me he'll try his best to comfort me and etc. Now I don't even know if he was just acting as a good friend or he doesn't give a crap?

    Hope you'll respond, thanks.

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    1. Hey Anonymous,

      I definitely do remember you! That was less than a month ago. From what you explained back then, it sounded like he did care about you, but then you dropped a bombshell by stating you had a feeling sometimes that he doesn't. Female intuition, or male intuition, for that matter, is rarely wrong. I'm not surprised you were right. With the information you've given, I would be taking a shot in the dark as to why he has shut down on you. It could be anything. Maybe he got exhausted from all of the comforting, maybe he's met someone he likes, etc.

      In any case, you have to care about yourself. From where I sit, you had a really good thing going that is pretty rare. I don't see that type of relationship too often. If this truly is the end, be thankful that you had what you had for as long as you did. Best of luck.

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    2. Thank you for your response.

      I have a feeling he was tired of trying to help me. I haven't seen him in awhile and it's going to be uncomfortable if I do because I just stopped replying to him when his first response was as if he wasn't bothered anymore. There was once a time where I didn't respond and he called me a few hours later... I guess he really isn't bothered this time which sucks because I really thought I had found myself a great guy friend.

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    3. You're very welcome. That would have been my first guess as well, but we will probably never know. Good or you not continuing it when it is seemingly over.

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    4. Uh I'm back again haha. So my group of friends had a meetup late at night and everyone was walking in pairs to a restaurant. Me and the guy friend were walking together at the back and he put his arm around me (?), asking how everything has been. Now I am so confused, because as mentioned before it seemed as if he brushed my feelings/issues through text however when he sees me his response/everything seems so different. He's still the caring guy?

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    5. Hey Anonymous,

      Maybe he does at some level still? Maybe he never stopped caring? You may want to just ask him by beating around the bush a bit? The guy is throwing off quite a few different signals and I think there is definitely more to his story. Nothing may have changed or something may have. If you don't want to ask, you can wait for a bit and see what happens, you'll know pretty quickly if he's changed or not.

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  52. Hi Josh,

    I have a guy friend that is extremely touchy when we're alone? He'll hold me close to him, when I'm cold he'll interlock our fingers together, casually touch my knee or rub his thumb over my skin randomly. I don't know if I'm leading him on by allowing him to touch me so casually? I don't have feelings for him, that's a definite. I just feel very comfortable with him? And he has a girlfriend as well

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  53. I'm assuming he doesn't do it in front of his girlfriend. I am also assuming he and his girlfriend aren't particularly close, or if they are, he wants you in some capacity. If it bothers you, and it seems like it does in some way, call it out. Let him know how you feel, as gently as possible at first, and he should stop. With him having a girlfriend, he shouldn't be this touchy with you.

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  54. Hi Josh,

    First of all, I just wanted to state that it's incredible how committed you are to respond to/help out so many people. So, I'll make my case and I hope you can offer some quick input. I met this guy (we're both in college) two months ago at a camp I was working in and from the beginning we clicked; our conversations were effortless and I never felt the need to resort to talking about the weather when we talked. About a week or so in (we saw each other almost all the time since we worked together at a sleepaway camp) he starts throwing out these comments like "we are the same-you're introverted, like me" and all these other comparisons always in the "we" and soon he started to sit next to me/follow me everywhere and asking me to sneak out and hang out with him after curfew. I always responded in the negative and tried to distance myself because I began to feel uncomfortable when he kept talking about how nice my eyes were and sending texts when he was tipsy that he wanted to be around me. I confronted him on this note by asking him to stop sending these weird texts and he just asked "weird, how?" and I began to think it's all in my head. My gut just kept telling me to keep a distance because I feel nothing for him but sometimes he's just so easy to talk to-I wish we could just be friends. Now after camp I've hung out with him a couple of times about 4-5 hours each and I thought it was casual until he mentioned he doesn't usually hangs out with girls this much and he put his arm briefly around me-I moved away. The last evening I saw him when I got home he sent me a poem he wrote-he knows I'm not a poetry enthusiast but he sent it anyway-and it sounded like a love poem to me. The next morning I confronted him about it saying again that it made me uncomfortable that he was sending these things but he just withdrew saying that he should have kept it to himself and that he was simply sharing a poem he wrote. Sketchy! And now he hasn't texted me since. Allow me to also mention that nobody has ever texted me this much in my life- he texts me all the time about random things. Like everyday. Multiple texts in response to my one message. Please offer some words of solace that this isn't all in my head. And what can I do moving forward? Thanks!

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    1. Hey! It is definitely not all in your head, as I'm sure you already suspect and if you have faithfully read all of these comments and replies, you knew I was going to say that. When someone has a gut feeling, and you have had that same feeling multiple times, it is almost always right. I can't think of too many times I had such a feeling and it turned out to be wrong. In your case, I believe we are on the same page with this. He really likes you and is trying to see if you like him. In your case, you don't, so that's a pretty open and shut case. Everything he is doing is to show you that he likes you and to attempt to move the relationship forward, but you don't want that.

      Unfortunately, you will not be able to be friends with a guy like this. Hate to break it to you, but it is true. Think about how it would feel if you were really into a guy and he just wanted to be friends. Probably wouldn't be the greatest friendship. In his mind, the friendship is a means to an end. He wants to be with you. If you are intent on trying to have the veil of a friendship, maybe you try again, but I wouldn't waste my time. I would move on.

      The poem was absolutely sketchy and you called it for what it was. His attempt to get with you, then when you rejected him/it, he emotionally withdrew, feeling wounded. You've got this!

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    2. Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate your input and I realize I may have sounded a bit harsh but my discomfort has risen pretty high and writing it out helped. It will be difficult-he has now texted me because he wants to hear my analysis of the poem-if only we could be upfront with each other without all this subtlety. I believe that this situation particularly bothers me because I had the same exact thing a year ago with a super close friend and we don't talk at all anymore. One would think I'd be prepared the next time around! I definitely appreciate you writing back though because this one confuses me, always brushing off my confrontations, making me feel stupid by pretending nothing ever happened the next day, talking like usual; I will try to be upfront. Thanks again!

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    3. You are very welcome. I did not think you were too harsh at all. I think we've all been in those kinds of situations where someone keeps trying to pretend there is a spark because they want something romantic and we don't. He sounds like a persistent one, so it does look like you are going to have to (gently!) let him down and create space between you so he understands that nothing is going to happen. It does look like a similar situation to what you dealt with a year ago. It seems like he is doing what guys typically do in his case: attempt a move, watch it fail, and then pretend like it wasn't a move. Rinse and repeat. Best of luck! Please tell us (me) how it goes!

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  55. Hey Josh! It's "Deeply in love" from a few weeks ago. I need your input again.
    So, my guy friend and I went out to lunch to catch up. This was 12 days ago. Our lunch lasted 2.5 hrs and during this time, he asked about my marriage. I told him what was going on, that divorce papers were imminent. The other parts of our talk were very deep and personal. Just a good conversation. After that day, I texted and told him how thankful I am for him, with a heart icon.
    Fast forward 4 days of him not talking to me at work, then he comes with my female coworker into my office, but never acknowledges my presence. No eye contact...nothing. But he was being flirty with the other girl. We head out for a staff lunch and he barely acknowledges me there either. At one point, he makes eye contact and holds it for a few seconds, but the look he gave me was almost sad.
    I was so distraught because he wasn't talking to me...but I left it alone.
    The next day we all left for a staff retreat. He acted hot and cold there. He was drinking and a little flirty the first night, but he also flirted with other women. Second day we went on a hike together with kids, but he invited some other girl and talked to her the whole time. That night, we hung out and sang and worshipped together. It was great. That same night, I asked why he was being So weird to me. He said he didn't know What I was talking about. Next day he said he wanted to go with me and a friend on a hike then changed his mind.
    This week has been bizarre. A couple days ago ( after only work related email correspondence), he was weird to me again at staff lunch. He got weird when we all tried to hold hands to pray. Said he was a germophobe. Went to wash hands after holding mine for prayer.
    I confronted him yesterday. I asked why he was being weird. He only kept saying he didn't know What I was talking about. ..............

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  56. ......but every time I started to talk, he would pick up a little rope and fiddle with it. He looked really sad.
    I made sure to tell him I wasn't mad, just worried I did something wrong. He swore (awkwardly) that we're good. I told him his friendship is important to me and I love and respect him. He acted pretty normal after that, but I haven't seen or heard from him since.
    I have NOOO idea how to take all this. Is he trying to hide feelings? Does he hate me? What the heck???
    Should I tell him how I feel?
    What do you think about all this?

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    1. Hi Deeply in Love,

      I was really hoping you would come back since I've been wanting to know what ended up happening. There could be a few reasons why he is acting the way he is. I believe he senses what we referred to before regarding the complications of a relationship with you. All three of us can see that any such arrangement is going to be fraught with limitations and complications since no one can be sure when your divorce will be finalized, so he is taking a major leap of faith and I don't think either of us can blame him for being cautious. I don't think he sees the path from now to when you guys are actually together. In all honesty, I don't either and I'm not sure you do given everything that you have going on.

      While it looks awkward from your perspective, his actions make perfect sense to me. He is trying to move on from you, but it isn't necessarily working. You probably still could pursue something with him, but it seems pretty obvious that he is trying to pursue, shall we say, other opportunities. Since he has flirted with women in front of you before, it isn't shocking but it is definitely disappointing.

      I like the tack that you took by trying to call it out, but he seems to be wanting to stick his head in the sand. If you truly want answers, you're going to have to just lay it all on the table. You were previously close and now he is seemingly with someone else, does he not want to be with you anymore? If he keeps being evasive with his answers, which he very well might, then it says quite a bit about him as a person and about his intentions, and I would say it is time to move on.

      I truly believe he does want you, but is just trying to move on and, as you say, hide his feelings. He doesn't hate you. I wouldn't tell him how you feel, but I would call out the elephant in the room to get some answers. I am sure it is incredibly awkward between both of you now. If there isn't anything there, then you can move on. No need to put yourself out there like that by telling him how you feel, that will just scare him, besides, you have made it pretty clear. Best of luck!

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  57. I'm more in love with him now than ever, Josh. I can't move on without finding some way to address this. My divorce is underway. But we work together and aren't supposed to date. I don't know if that's why he's behaving this way.
    My instincts tell me he has feelings, but is afraid of doing anything about it because of our work situation. After calling him out on it, I figured I should just take a step back and give him some space. But I do not want to forget about it and move on. I really really believe that we have a good chance at a relationship. The thing is, I do not know how to address that. You say I should not lay it all out on the table, but what should i do? I honestly do not think he will ever be the one to make the first move. I think he is too scared of getting in trouble at work, and I'm not really sure he's not afraid of me rejecting him. If I'm honest, I am in a totally different league than all of the girls usually dates. I don't mean that in an overly confident way, I'm just very different from everyone else he has ever dated. Different in lots and lots of ways. I do come across as very confident do not cocky, I am talented and I'm in a leadership position equal to the one where he is in our work. Is it possible that he is intimidated by me? Does he think that maybe I would reject him? I just don't know what to do. I really, truly love him, despite his fault. I really want to give us a chance, but I really do not know how. I also question if the dynamic of our relationship changed 2 weeks ago when I told him that divorce papers were being filed. Do you think that not changed anything in his mind? Could it be that he either doesn't feel safe in our friendship anymore because of what it could become? Or does he realize that he actually could have a chance at this now, and it's making him extra nervous? The way he's been acting is very middle school ish. My instincts just tell me that he's either trying to ignore me because he's afraid that I like him and he doesn't want me to, or because he likes me and he's afraid of liking me, afraid of being rejected, and afraid of getting in trouble. This might be far more therapy then you can offer, but I'm desperately hoping you can. I really appreciate you.
    - Deeply in love

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  58. I should probably also mention, that I am going out on a few other dates. He knows about this, and has made silly sort of snide comments about them. I don't know if this is playing into whether he thinks he has the permission to move forward with me or not. This is also another reason why I'm not sure if he thinks it's okay, or if he thinks he has a chance. Two nights ago, I performed for a dinner we were at for work. I looked really good. He looked at me, and made almost a sad face. I don't know what all these sad faces are about. Then he got upset about something, though I don't know what, and went up to his office to just sit there and work. I send our friend up there to get him and bring him back down to listen to me sing. He gave me a fist bump after I finished singing. But he told lots of other people they were awesome.
    He is just seemingly pushing me away or pulling away from me for some reason. It seemed to happen after we had the conversation that confirmed my divorce was actually going through. In that same conversation we talked really deeply about personal things. It was a really good day, & I thought we had broken down another barrier and gotten even closer. So I don't know if this has to do with the fact that he felt us getting closer, plus the fact that I am becoming single, but that sort of the way it seems to me. What are your thoughts on that? -Deeply in love

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  59. I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown before I get all this worked out. My stomach is in knots thinking of it going wrong. I love him, Josh. You've gotta help me. Maybe I'm pathetic, but I've never felt this way before. - Deeply in love

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  60. Hi Deeply in Love,

    Telling me that you had been dating other men and he knows about them was definitely a relevant piece of information that you had previously omitted. That changes my perspective quite a bit on what is actually going on. Your instincts and my instincts are the same here thinking that he still likes you and wants to be with you at some level. I highly doubt the no dating at work rule is at play here since he has already crossed that line with you.

    My "lay it out on the table" statement was really meant for you to talk to him, one on one, and call out what is happening right now. You both were close and you aren't anymore and there is an awkwardness between you. You can then see what he says. If you want to avoid that route, you could invite him to do something with you, as we went over in a previous reply a while back, and see where things go at that point since when you guys are alone together, things seem to go pretty well, when you're not, well, it's a different story. The one area where the work place dating rule might come into play here is when he seems aloof at work, it is probably to overcompensate for his feelings toward you.

    Now that you told me you are dating other men and he knows about them, well, his actions make complete sense. He is just doing to you what you're doing to him. How do you think he feels knowing that the woman he wants to be with is dating other men? Think about how you feel knowing he is dating other women.

    As far as you having to make the first move and being different than other women he has dated, I believe we've touched on it before that you aren't his "type." My comments on that still stand. He has shown definite interest in you, so I don't believe the "type" issue is an issue at all. If you're afraid that he won't make a move, you can help him along some. Something subtle like reaching for his hand in a handhold or giving him the nonverbal cues that it is okay to touch you are called for in this case. You have to nonverbally make it obvious to him that it is okay for him to make a move. After that, it is up to him to do something since you shouldn't have to do more than that.

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    1. It could be that him knowing about the divorce papers changed something. That part is unclear. Could it have increased the pressure he feels? Perhaps, but it is also possible that he is happy about that. That is the biggest obstacle both of you face. If he actually cares about you, and I believe he does, then that would be a good thing that they have been filed, not a bad one. Congratulations, by the way!

      You know the rule around here. If your instincts tell you something, and in this case, they are telling you the same thing in several different ways, they are probably right. In this case, I have the same feelings that your instincts do. I second the middle schoolish nature of his actions. And yes, I am definitely not qualified to provide therapy. I'm just a blogger on the internet! But that doesn't stop me from providing my unqualified and uncertified advise.

      If he really has legitimately pulled away after your divorce talk, then maybe he is trying to just end it and there is something going on from his end. In actuality, I definitely think something is going on with him, but we can't have any idea what that is and it is unclear if he is going to tell you. He hasn't given you any clues as to why he is acting the way he is, but from the sound of it, it is not about you, it's about him.

      Whatever happens here, you have to know that you did everything you could do. If this whole thing doesn't work out and you two aren't together, you're going to be okay. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but you will be. You aren't even officially divorced yet and already you think you have found someone. You have plenty of time. You're going to be okay. If it's not meant to be with this guy, then it's not. It sounds cliché, and it is, but after all of my years, I truly believe it. Best of luck, please let me know what happens!

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  61. So there's this guy who I consider my best guy-friend. We've been friends for a good three years and we've never had many arguments. Of course there were still a few. Somewhere along the line I found myslef thinking about him romantically and what it would be like if we dated. We're really close and tell each other everything. He tells me things he can't even tell his guy friends in fear of being judged or mocked. I find it absolutely adorable. His friends have openly teased him for liking someone and hinted it was me, so I know he USED TO like me, but back then I saw him nothing more than a friend and paid him no mind. He also talks about hot girls he's got an eye for with his friends and then asks me what I think about that girl. Obviously he's trying to make me jealous. I cant lie. It's working, but Ill never give him that satisfaction. He also asks me if I have an eye for any guys and I give an honest "No". Im not really looking for a relationship, but he seriously makes me want to reconsider. Typically, we and his guy friends hang out together during the day then at night it ends up just being me and him talking/texting. We've had flirty conversations, but I dont know how seriously Im supposed to take it! We have a very playful natured friendship. We tease each other. Wherever or whenever, he bever fails to make me laugh. He tells me he likes my laugh. Randomly we wont talk for a week or so and I find myself missing him and wondering if he misses me too. Im not really the person to take initiative and message first, but the past few times I thought about how he said he hates when girls dont message first and thought lets break the pattern. The first time it surprised him because he knows me well and knows I never message first. He responds to my messages pretty quickly though, so Im not there staring at the sent message all day. Sometimes he tells me he does miss me, but has just been busy. We arent dating, so I dont feel like I have a right to demand his time. Im also too busy occasionally. Our schedules just dont seem to fit nowadays. Sometimes I just feel like hes deliberately avoiding me. Like Ill see him online, but he hasnt messaged me. But I know he has some family issues and sometimes thats just the case. Sometimes its just a bad day in general. But besides the random breaks from talking, we're pretty much always in contact. But when we talk about romantic emotional things, he seems hesitant to respond and give any solid feedback. Ive even tried playing the low card and tried making him jealous by talking about guys to him. He just tells me "whatever makes you happy". It's frustrating to not know what he feels, but at the same time I dont want to destroy what we have. Im too scared to say how I feel about him, because Im not totally sure if what I feel is even really romantic or just I like our friendship. I also have no idea what he wants. Hes not really a romantic kind of guy. Doesnt even like holding hands, but hes had some serious relationships. But none of these girls started off as just friends. Im starting to think that hes looking for someone else and already eliminated me as an option. Have I really missed my window? I dont want to go out on a limb just to fall flat on my face. I just find myself thinking about him late at night way after our conversations have come to a close and I dont know how I should feel about that. Help?

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      It does definitely sound like there is something there, and from experience, he seemingly does have some feelings for you. The older I get, the women who I find are close friends are never quite "that" close. What I mean by that is, there is always some wall there that is up because we are not romantic and those women in my past with whom I have wanted to become romantic with, there is not the wall. For you guys, that wall does not exist. You guys are extremely close for a guy and a girl. If he was not attracted to you, in all likelihood, he would not be like this around you. When I say that, I mean telling you secrets, being vulnerable, and being so present.

      Let's get down to business: you want some answers and you tentatively want him. I start off by cautioning you that if this fails, your whole friendship is almost surely gone. I don't care what anybody says, when one person displays romantic interest and it is not reciprocated, virtually all friendships fail shortly after or at least are never the same. You can keep limping along how you are or you could go for it.

      There are two tacks you could take here. The first is to come out and ask if he has feelings for you and see what he says, but from how you describe yourself, you seem like a woman who likes the man to take the lead, and that is something I highly respect and think is very admirable, so that one is probably out for you.

      Your other option is more of a subtle, but a bit more direct than you have been. In your case, this is my preferred method. I would see if he wants to "hang out" or whatever the kids call it these days with you alone in a place that is good for a date (bowling, ice skating, an arcade, etc) and sort of slyly escalate things. Playfully touch him and see what he does, hopefully he playfully touches you back. Ice skating is perfect because if you fall, he'll help you up and you can playfully drag him down with you! From there, all bets are off. That also works if he is the one who falls. Also, if one of you starts falling, the other one grabs their hand and you wouldn't dare let go or else they might fall, right? Now you're holding hands. You can dial up the sexual tension by being closer than normal to him during any of these times, maybe stare at his lips, and hopefully he takes the initiative and kisses you. You're not being the aggressor here, but you're giving him signs that it is okay to kiss you, touch you, etc.

      That is what I would do and see what he does. If you get nothing from him, then maybe he doesn't like you in that way or maybe he is too passive anyway and you need someone who has the confidence to be a man and take the lead. Best of luck to you, please let me know how it goes.

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    1. Hi Mates,

      I apologize I did not get to your comment sooner and I hope you end up reading this:

      I will be blunt. It's hard to know if what you and the friend have is something truly legitimate or if it is not a great building if sexual tension that, once released, will greatly change how you feel about him. I am sure I am telling you something that you already know, but no, you will not be able to have both of them, at least not long-term. Short term? Sure. Long term? Definitely not. No matter how it ends up, in all likelihood, none of the three of you will be close after it is all said and done. I would argue his friend is no friend at all since he so clearly wants his friend's girl.

      This other guy is clearly into you, no doubt about it. He is flirting with you, as you say, to let you know he wants some. I can't believe your boyfriend hasn't noticed. Surely he has come up in conversation or something, right?

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  63. Hey Josh,
    Just stumbling upon this blog now and I find your insight incredibly helpful and sensible. I have a work friend who I've been close with for over two years. He's always in my office and when he's not we are texting/emailing/buzzing one another on the phone. We text after hours and on weekends too. We talk about sex but truthfully - we talk about everything. Here's the kicker though a few times now we have been out at the bar at group functions and have left together under the guise of going home but have secretly gone to strip clubs. He has bought lap dances for both of us at the same time. It's been pretty hot but nothing physical has ever happened with us. Sometimes when I am drunk I think about him in that way but have never tried anything because I'm not sure where his head is. Any insight?

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    1. Hi Anon,

      Sorry about the confusion on my part. I thought that you and "Confused" were one in the same! Thank you for the compliment. Well, I can definitely tell you where his head is. His head is imagining having sex with you. I am surprised he hasn't made more of a move yet. It sounds like you are interested in having something more with him, which is definitely okay. The usual caution about dating in the workplace applies. In all likelihood, I hate to break it to you, most relationships don't work out. That's a good thing, though, or else we would all be marrying that person we dated in middle school.

      Take a step back and think about how life would be if you two dated and then broke up. Would the situation at work be completely intolerable? Would one of you have to change jobs? Do you work with each other every week? If so, you might want to think twice. If not, then hey, go for it. Maybe you want to go for it even with the risk of catastrophe (which makes it that much hotter, am I right?). It sounds like your relationship is mostly sexual, which is fine. I have a hard time believing that there is never an opportunity for something physical to happen between the both of you. No hugs or touching of any kind? Could you possibly put the two of you in a situation where touching would be more normal? Like ice skating, perhaps? Maybe look into his eyes for a bit longer than normal or stare at his lips to give him the hint?

      Oh, and since I haven't explained myself. Guys don't talk to women about "everything," sex included, if they don't see you as more than a friend. It rarely happens. Guys don't open up very much. Consider yourself "in."

      Let me know how it goes.

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    2. Thanks for getting back to me, Josh! Again - I really appreciate your insight.

      I actually don't have any interest in dating him. Or in anything beyond just alleviating the sexual tension so to speak. We are friends and that is good enough for me. In fact, there are lots of things about him that - in my mind - make us completely incompatible as a couple. I just can't get over the tension. We banter and one up one another all the time. It's a constant battle of wits and over time it's made things very very tense. And hot.

      The flirting and the banter I could handle - it's the lapdances that are throwing me through a loop. The secret nature of going to the club alone together aside -- the co-lap dances. What the hell is that?? I'm a cool chick. I can appreciate the female body and all that. But why the hell does he want to be grinded upon with me sitting right next to him?? And then watch some girl grinding all over me?? It's weird!! That is something I can't turn a blind eye toward. Not even my closest guy friends would ever - EVER - be interested in such a thing. They'd all be embarrassed and grossed out in an "ew she's like my sister" sort of way.

      When I drink it becomes more difficult for me to hide the attraction - or whatever it is. Most recently, I did some things while we were out together (mostly giving him attitude and being aggressive - in a not so nice way) that must've tipped him off because he asked why I was behaving that way. Alcohol made me fess up with pretty much what I've said here. That I'm not in love with him and I don't want to date him - just that there is sexual tension there and sometimes I want to make out with him. He asked if that meant I wanted to "f***" him. I don't know if he was looking for an in or not but I said no thinking the timing for leading things down that road was wrong (we had been drinking all night.) There were a lot of long pauses and silences on his part while I spoke. I don't remember all of it but I do remember thinking "this is not a big deal - why is he making it so awkward?" He kept telling me he understood my feelings and I think once even went as far as to say he'd had similar thoughts about me but then added "and other people." That infuriated drunken me because again I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Just fess up - we spend a lot of time together and it's not like we want to be a couple. Of COURSE the thoughts creep up. It's natural. I just wanted a little honesty from him and I never did get it.

      We talked about it for an hour and a half and then fell asleep. Neither of us has brought it up in sobriety but he has made references and it's driving me crazy. He's said things about how I don't LISTEN when he speaks and about how I avoid conflict by not speaking up (yea right.) I think the "talking about it in sobriety" ship has sailed but I did want to ask a guy who obviously knows what he is talking about here (i.e. you.)

      So that's my story in a nutshell. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my initial comment and I tend to agree with you for the most part, truth be told. I just don't understand guys - people, actually - who can't be honest about the way the feel. They're feelings. You can't control them. Acknowledge them and move on!

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    3. Hi Anon,

      Thank you for coming back and detailing absolutely everything. While on one hand I really appreciate the compliments "a guy who obviously knows what he is talking about here" might be the best compliment I have gotten in the 3.5 years of writing this, but I apparently do not know what is going on in your case! Well, I might have a theory or two, but I didn't see that you're not interested in him at all, although apparently there is some sexual tension there. He is obviously very interested in having sex with you, he has made that blatantly obvious. In any case:

      I think we both agree that there is something sexual between you two. You mention the sexual tension and how you would like to "alleviate" it. I am torn between whether you mean having sex with him or completely dissipating it with nothing happening. Maybe you would be interested in just a one-time fling with him to get it out of your system and then move on with life?

      Seems to me like it is a fetish for him. A lot of guys are into girl-on-girl stuff, so maybe that's a fantasy for him? It almost positively is. Question for you: why do you want to go with him to strip clubs to get lap dances? You know what is going to happen? Do you, deep down, like it? Is it the excitement? I am with you that I find it hard to see a guy doing that.

      There's nothing like alcohol to make someone call out the elephant in the room, but it seems like it at least allowed you to put everything on the table, which is good. And yes, he was definitely looking for an "in." Good thinking on your part, even while drunk, to not say "yes" there because that's not how you wanted to make a relationship-defining decision. It's unfortunate that you didn't get the honesty from him that you needed, but look at it from his perspective: you basically rejected him. He wants you sexually and you told him you weren't interested. Ouch. You would probably feel the same way.

      It is just like a guy to put up a thinly veiled front where he wants desperately to talk about it, but he is scared to. Take it from me, he is mad, hurt, and feeling rejected right now. Don't take anything he says personally. It is all a defense mechanism and it doesn't mean anything. The perfect example is that one comment about you not speaking up. You are the only one who has spoken up!

      I think your last paragraph comes back to why we all say that we're fine when someone asks us how we're doing. In this culture, for whatever reason, feelings are not okay and being bluntly honest is frowned upon. In your case, you hold all of the cards and all of the power. Do you want to continue having an association with him or do you want to cut him out? You have to decide what you want from your "friendship" and go from there. It is literally all up to you. He has put you in the driver's seat here. Best of luck to you. Please come back and tell me how it goes.

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    4. Hey Josh,

      So things settled down a lot over the past two weeks or - until last night. We were out at a work event and while there was drinking involved neither of us was hit so to speak. In any event, toward the end of the night, out of nowhere, he looked at me and said, "should we just make out and get it over with?" He caught me off guard but I think I played it cool enough. I said no and then called him out for waiting to talk about it. I asked him to finally answer my question from that night and he finally did. He said he has had the same thoughts that I have and that he agrees something is there. I asked him why he didn't just tell me that that night and he responded saying that he didn't want to end up in my room with me being that drunk. The night ended soon there after and we parted ways. I called him honestly bc I just wanted to talk to him. I very candidly told him I was calling for no good reason and eventually the conversation shifted focus to where we are and what we want. I told him I felt like I wanted one night to just go at it. Scratch the itch and be done with it. He said the same and made jokes about throwing each other around ect. This morning when I saw him everything was completely normal. It's funny bc it's literally never awkward. It was a slow day. It was nice outside and a Friday of course and there were only three of us in the office. When the other of the three of us went to lunch, he came into my office and the conversation got a little.. interesting. I eventually kicked him out bc I saw it going down that road if he were to stay. Once he left I buzzed him and told him that he needed to stay away from me for the rest of the day and I said I was glad that there was another person in the office that day. That's all it took. He said "I'm coming back there" and hung up on me. I closed my door, he barged thru it and stood in front of my desk daring me to do it. I literally covered my eyes and told him to sit down. Eventually he stopped goading me and sat and we talked about it some more. It was absurd - I was really glad my desk was between us bc otherwise.... But here's the thing -- we've now acknowledged that its there and that we both want it. But I've told him I want the one and done and his response to that is and has been that that's not what he wants. He hasn't come out and said he has feelings for me but he has said that he wouldn't be able to do it just once. He's also said that my rough and dirty agenda isn't exactly what he has in mind. That he needs to know the person he is "with" in that moment wants to be there with him.

      I don't know how to feel about it all right now or where to go from here. I'm all hot and bothered now and thinking bout it incessantly. But he's confusing me with his responses to me. What guy wouldn't be down for just a one time thing with no strings? Who's already planning time number 2, 3, 4 ect before anything has happened? I don't get it. I thought I knew men generally but this guy - ugh. I suppose it's more complicated than I'd like it to be.

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    5. Hi Anon,

      So, what I am hearing is that everything settled down, thus you did not comment back for a couple of weeks, then BAM, you are almost right back where you started and here you are again! I am glad to get an update, so thank you for that.

      I am about to type something that is probably going to make a few guys mad if they ever read it. Luckily, since my readership is 80% women, I'll take the risk. When this guy is turned on, he is willing to have a one-night stand with you or pretty much do anything sexually that you want. When he is not thinking with his, well, you know, then he wants something more from you than just a one-time fling, which it seems like is all you want. Your suspicions are spot-on: he wants something more with you, very likely a relationship.

      I always say that women are pretty straight-forward and honest most of the time with their intentions and guys can be all over the place, but again, quite a few guys would say that women make no sense! In any case, all of the cards are pretty much on the table. You want a one-time, no strings attached, fling and he clearly wants a relationship, or at the very least, more sex than just one-time. I am pretty sure at this point that he would like a relationship or to at least date. The kind of guy who says those kinds of things wants a relationship, not to be "one and done." The fate of your "relationship" is up to you.

      In all honesty, this guy will do whatever you want. Clearly, you are seductive enough to extract a one-night stand out of him if that's what you want. The one-night stand will, in all likelihood, be very hot and you will probably remember it because it will be all of this sexual tension that has been building unleashed. I have to caution you, though that after you are done and get it out of your system, he will almost positively want more. Are you going to be okay with that? Will work be impossibly awkward after the one-night stand? Be wary of taking the easy way out because one great night might hurt you a lot in the long run.

      Please come back and let me know how it goes!

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    6. Hey Josh!
      So I've read your response a few times since you posted it and again I think you've written some very insightful remarks. I don't know how straightforward most women are but I know I tend to shoot from the hip. The problem with me is and always has been that I'm fickle. I think I want one thing so I say it and then low and behold a few days or weeks later - I've changed my mind or my mindset. I suppose some/most women are like me in this respect and maybe that's why men think we are confusing or find us misleading. I really do sympathize with the guys in that regard. We're emotional by nature and sometimes we do let that get the best of us. And so my next post begins.
      Nothing physical has happened with my guy still. He says if he gets only one chance with me that he wants it under his terms (i.e. not in the office.) Our friendship remains unstrained, not the least bit awkward. However now there's the added addition of some incredibly dirty conversation. I mean we could make a prostitute blush. Completely uninhibited. Some of it has been in person, most of it has been after work hours on the phone. Every day/night. It started out fun and exciting but I must admit - I'm a little bored now. He may have missed his window (I told you I tend to change my mind with the direction of the wind.) But I mean cmon already! There's been so. much. talking and no action. I don't know what his problem is, why he hasn't just made his move. He's said a few times that he's not keen on the one and done. He's also said he's a little nervous that he'd try to kiss me and I'd laugh (I admitted to him that I've thought about that scenario too bc we ARE so close and it really could be strange.) But in the heat of the moment - while we're "talking" he's told me that he doesn't want to/can't wait any longer. He is the confusing one I swear.
      There have been little things here and there that make me question his motives. For instance, we were talking about relationships in general and where we are in our lives with what we want. I said I just wanted to date casually right now - nothing committed, not just one person - that sort of thing. His reply to me was "thanks for that." And he brought that conversation up days later too. He's also told me that he's attracted to me and he finds me funny and smart and quick witted. Another day last week we left the office together and by the time the elevator got to the bottom floor we were staring into each other's eyes. The doors opened and I told him I refused to exit first. He said the same and pressed the button for the top floor. We rode all the way up and all the way back down again - both of us refusing to exit first. Eventually another person joined us and the moment was over. When we got to our respective cars I texted him saying that did it for me and it was over. He called me immediately and said that was a shitty thing for me to say given that he just made a fool out of himself riding up and down an elevator for/with me. I didn't understand that. I don't know how any of that makes him look foolish or why my comments after offended him.
      I think at this point I have to let it die. There's something holding him back from me and whatever it is it's not going away. I don't want to stay this course bc I feel like that will inevitably ruin our friendship. The whole idea behind the one night thing was to quash it - make the tension and the fantasies go away. This is the opposite of that. And now I think it's all about the dirty talk - like that's enough to carry him through but that's really not going to do it for me. I thought I proposed a very clear cut scenario and solution and now everything has been made muddy. It needs to just be over and we need to go back to being normal friends but I'm not sure how to make that happen now.

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    7. Hi Anon,

      Thank you, as always, for coming and providing an update. It sounds like from your replies that you are in your 20's or 30's. If that's the case, I think you're completely normal. In this case, though, I don't think it is your fault and I wouldn't even consider you fickle. In this case, you haven't misled him at all. The exact opposite, actually.

      That should probably be a bumper sticker "we could make a prostitute blush." I like the phrase. You nailed it on the head that you are bored by now. I am all about foreplay, but this is a little ridiculous. Even I am frustrated by how long he is taking and I have never even met him! Foreplay is great, but there is a point where he has to be a man and kiss the girl! And yes, I did make a Little Mermaid reference, but it is true!

      Seriously, there comes a point where the foreplay has to lead to something. It can't be foreplay forever or else, there is no "play" in foreplay! Alright, so I got a little carried away, but still. If he would just look you in the eyes, stare at your lips subtly, then look back up at you and kiss, you wouldn't stop him. Even if he chose the opposite tack and grabbed you, brushed your hair behind your ear and gave you an aggressive kiss, that would work, too.

      So why isn't he kissing you? Why is he letting this go on forever? Well, you may have already guessed, but he is scared. He keeps the talk going because it's safe and he doesn't have to fear rejection. If he goes for it by kissing you, he is making himself vulnerable and he doesn't feel comfortable doing that. His whole "on his terms" comment is just more talk. He needs to be a man with a plan, not whatever the heck he thinks he is doing now.

      This guy! The elevator would have been a perfect movie moment. Staring into each other's eyes on an elevator alone? He should have taken you, kissed you passionately, then shoved you against the elevator to give you a a taste of what was to come. That would have given you something at least. But no, he continues to limp along with no rudder and no plan. I think we are on the same page in terms of frustration, although you are living it and I am just reading about it.

      In regards to the "relationship" conversation. That is obviously what he is hoping for with you. We've both known that from the beginning. When you were honest with him, as you have been from the get go, he took offense to that. He thought that meant he wasn't good enough to want a relationship with. That is not what you meant, but that's not how he sees it.

      You are absolutely right. That whole last paragraph. He's afraid and is not willing to be a man and lead. He wants you to do it and as a woman, that's not your job. It is his job to kiss you first and take action. It looks like there may not be a friendship at this point because he is always going to want to be in a relationship with you. Can you imagine when you do find a guy to be in a relationship with (one who leads and who takes the initiative!)? He is going to be the most depressed person you've ever seen. He is going to be mad. That's not a friendship.

      You have made the right decision to not be in a relationship with this guy, by the way. Can you imagine what like would be like? You would be the man and the woman in the relationship. If he wants to man up and actually do something, then you might be open to it, but his window of opportunity is closing.

      Best of luck to you and definitely come back to tell me what happens because this one is definitely not over.

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    8. Josh,

      Your honesty is so refreshing. Is this how you are in the real world too? You should really teach a class or something :)

      I know it's time to jump ship on this guy. I'm crazy attracted to him and it's been really fun but it's become exhausting. I'm just not sure what to do next. I've told him a few times now that it's time to just drop it and let it go - and every single time he lures me right back in. The last time I resisted - Friday - I told him I was finished with this whole thing bc it was just too frustrating to continue. He then gave me some bs retort about how it's been the hottest week of his life and about how he wanted to look into my "blue eyes" (seriously? Who even notices eye color?) blah blah blah. Of course the conversation again turned hot and heavy and ended with him taking care of things (so to speak) as I ... talked him through it. I'm officially under his spell but only bc I'm having such difficulties getting him to do what I want. That's awful. I know that sounds just awful - but it's the truth.

      So my question for you is - what am I to do going forward? Do I try to tell him yet again that this is finished but actually stand my ground this time? Or just move forward without telling him but by just treating him as a friend and a friend only now? Thankfully he is out of town on vacation the week after next so I really only have to deal with him for the next few days or so. It will be a much needed break for me - maybe good for him too.

      As a very shallow side - I'm hating myself even more for giving this so much of my time and attention. Makes me feel like he has the upper hand on me. I hate that and I def need to gain it back sooner rather than later.

      Thanks again for being there. It's nice having a (smart!) guy to talk to...

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    9. Hi Anon,

      Thank you again for the compliments! That made me smile!

      It's one of those "head vs. heart" scenarios playing out right now. Logically, it's obvious that you should dump him and move on, but there are some serious feelings, virtually all sexual, that make it hard to move on. I have a confession to make. When I read that, I mini-panicked because I wasn't sure what color my girlfriend's eyes were! I quickly grabbed her and confirmed that they are brown. Crisis averted.

      You shouldn't feel bad for being selfish. It's obvious he is just in it for himself, too. I had assumed that you were...assisting him with that, but that confirmation just makes it look worse for him. That's what he is getting out of this, well, that and the hollow hope that there is a relationship with you in his future. It's not strange that you can't let him go because he isn't giving you what you want. It's completely normal.

      I will answer your question with a question: what do you really want? I know you have previously stated you would consider yourself fickle, but deep down, you know what you want out of this. If you want to still have your one night stand, you still can, but you will almost certainly have to initiate it, as in, plan it yourself and then kiss him first. If you don't want that anymore and just want to move on, which it seems like you may be leaning toward, then I think your second plan is better. A confrontation with him isn't going to accomplish what you want and you have tried that already. Confronting him always ends with you right back to square one. As much as I don't like passivity, I think it is warranted here. Slowly backing away by pulling back the sexual talk and being "just a friend" will work here...eventually. With him being gone for a week, you can just keep the conversation platonic and it should fizzle out that way.

      Don't feel bad at all! His actions are kind of all over the place. He says one thing, but refuses to act. Way too many women are in your shoes. How much better the world would be if guys would just take the hints that women give him and act on them. You have done everything except for wear a shirt that says "KISS ME!" and he still hasn't done anything. In the grand scheme of life, you have the upper hand here, if you want to call it that, since he has consistently put the entire relationship in your hands. There is an old saying that goes the person with the most power in a relationship cares the least and I think that holds true in this case. He would give anything to be in a relationship with you and you just don't want him that way.

      You're welcome! I appreciate the compliment. Let me know how it goes!

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    10. Hey Josh!

      So - quick update. I couldn't take it anymore but I refused to initiate. Today we were the last two left at work. At 5:00, I walked into his office and told him I wanted it behind us. I stood right next to him - shoulder to shoulder. It took two seconds flat before he finally kissed me. It was great - fun but not crazy intimate or romantic. We messed around a bit - probably not office appropriate but nonetheless -- one and done! We talked after - at length actually. Things are much much better. No awkwardness. No crazy sexual tension or nervousness. I feel like my old self again!! I kept things kind of methodical bc I felt like that was better for both of us. He's away next week on vacation and I feel like that'll be a much needed break for both of us and a fresh start when he gets back.

      Sorry if this update is a little too much info. I just wanted to say thanks for talking me through a really weird kind of time in my romantic life. It was nice having a voice of reason out there in he inter-world. You're a rockstar!

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    11. Hey Anon,

      You finally got what you wanted! Finally! Good for you. Definitely not too much information. I hope that this solves your problem and him going away for a week should help you.

      You're welcome! Thank you for coming back and providing updates. I loved it. Best of luck to yuo!

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    12. Hey Josh,

      Sorry I'm anonymous and not Anon now. Lol - I'm not sure what happened there.

      Ugh - not so much with the one and done. I was fine immediately after. And almost the entire time he was away. Now that he's back - it's right back to where it was just before he left. It happened again yesterday. Leaving work, he called me because we had been spatting about something. The discussion continued and it ended with us both mad when we hung up. Next thing I know he's pulling into my parking lot and running out to my car in the rain. He apologized. We made out. It's a whole thing now which is exactly what I did not want. He asked me yesterday if I was using him. I responded by asking if that would be ok. He said yes and we left it at that. The truth is tho - dammit - I'm starting to feel something more. And I don't know what to do bc it really can't happen. He's one of my best friends. We work together. We can't be together, there's just no two ways about it. But try as I may I just can't quit this guy. He drove me home tonight as we both were working out of office about an hour away. And the hour started with us both saying it was over and couldn't happen. By the time he dropped me off we were kissing goodbye. I honestly don't know what to do here. I need it to stop but I just don't know how to make that happen. I know this is technically the "does my friend like me as more" comments section but you've been so great so far -- any advice?

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  64. Hi Josh,

    Just found your blog which was very insightful and I have found myself in a situation where I could use your advice. I have a friend who I have worked with for a year and a half now. We work well together and always hang out with each other after work until 12 or 1 o'clock in the morning just talking and listening to music etc. We even hang out sometimes on our days off going to dinner and a movie. He tells me that he has never been as close to anyone as he is to me and how happy he is when he is with me. One time he even said that he would give his soul for me to be happy. However he also talks about how he has been badly hurt from a past relationship and is afraid of making an emotional connection with anyone. Lately he has started to tell me that he loves me and is attracted to me emotionally. We always hug and kiss each other good night (just a small quick kiss on the lips nothing passionate). He has made jokes to me in the past that imply he may be physically attracted to me. For example, one time I got in an argument with him and said f*** you and then he replied yes f*** me. Another time we were joking around and he said something to me that made me give him the finger, to which he replied do you promise. He has also talked to me about some of his sexual fantasies and then says I don't know why I told you that. I have asked him if he is physically attracted to me (a simple yes or no question) and he always hesitates and takes forever to answer. When he does answer it is always a convoluted tongue twisted response and he says that all these questions are land mines. I am totally confused and don't know what to do because I feel like there is something between us. Even other people that see us together think there is something between us. Help me I am so confused.

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    1. Hi Confused/Anon,

      If you have read some of the past comments, I think you'll know where I am going with this. This guy is obviously attracted to you and is interested in you in terms of a relationship. He talks to you about sex, he refuses to answer if he is attracted to you (he is), he jokes about both of you having sex, and he is attracted to you emotionally.

      How do I know he is into you both emotionally and physically? Well, the emotional part is a dead giveaway since he told you as much, but aside from that admission, there are many clues. He tells you intimate details about his life, and for a guy, that is a huge deal. We don't open up to many people, if any. He spends a ton of time with you and he wouldn't if he doesn't enjoy it. And he told you he has never been this close with anyone.

      On the physical side, he would not be taking you to strip clubs, making sexual comments about the two of you, or kiss you if he wasn't attracted to you. A guy does not want to fantasize about someone that they are not attracted to. It makes sense. Do you have sexual fantasies about guys who you find unattractive? You do not.

      It is pretty obvious to me that this is not a real friendship. Friends don't do any of those things. Neither one of you is ever going to find a significant other if this "friendship" is going on. You have to decide since it sounds like he refuses to decide. Heck, both of you have been completely indecisive. You didn't mention anywhere in your posts if you want to be with him. I would assume that you do given your tone, which is fine, but I would caution you.

      A man should be taking the lead and actually started something with you by now. Heck, it should have happened two years ago. I get it, he has been hurt in the past, but haven't we all? And didn't he say that he has never felt as close to anyone as he has to you? Great. That means he has never had someone this close to him hurt him before, so he can't compare you to anyone else. Eventually, you are going to have to decide: do you want to take things to the next level with this guy or do you want to drop him completely? And yes, those are your only two choices. You don't have to decide now, but you will have to eventually since you won't find anyone else while this is going on.

      If you do want to escalate things with him, you have some options. You could be bold and just call out the elephant in the room that you two should start dating. Another bold move would be to try and create some sexual tension between the both of you, which should be pretty simple. And maybe your "quick" kisses become longer kisses? You could be more subtle and start slowly drifting towards relationship-y activities and the like. Best of luck to you. Please let me know what happens.

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    2. Hi josh,

      Thanks for the reply. Although our situations sound the same myself (confused) and anon are two different individuals (sorry about the confusion guess I am just living up to my pseudonym). Anyway yes I am interested in being more than friends with this guy. There are a few complicating factors though. I am currently in the process of getting a divorce. My friend has been there for me throughout this process trying to give me the confidence that I can find someone who will love me for me and give me the respect I deserve. But I have really low self esteem related to my looks. My friend knows this and whenever I talk to him about my fears of being alone forever and no one loving me he will go on about all of the things about me that are great that anyone would love but he never mentions my looks. I interpret this to mean that he obviously doesn't find me attractive. He says he knows that there will be someone out there who will love me but when I ask him how he knows he just looks at me and smiles and says he has faith. I wish I had as much confidence in myself as he has in me.

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    3. Oh and thanks for your advice. I spoke with him about our friendship and he agreed that what we had was more than a friendship. So I guess moving in the right direction even though it is slow I suppose

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    4. Hi Confused,

      Go figure that those were two individual responses! Hopefully my response to you helps Anon, but... If memory serves, you have posted on here before? Maybe I am conflating you with someone else again? That is quite a bombshell that you left out of the first post regarding the divorce. It isn't necessarily moral to have another relationship while you are technically still married, but I would say you already crossed that line with everything else. Besides, since when did I become the morality police?

      I suspected you were interested in being more than friends. That's good, because it definitely seems like he does, too. I completely understand being self-conscious about your looks and I am sure the divorce has also played on your self-esteem and self-confidence, which is also completely normal. I am here to tell you, without even seeing a picture of you, that your fears of being unattractive are completely unfounded. I will say it again that he would not kiss you, even a little peck on the cheek, if he thought you were unattractive.

      Want to know a little secret? While yes, a woman's looks do matter and there is only so much a woman can do to improve them, a lot of a woman's looks come down to doing the best with what she has. I don't think you are unattractive, but if you think you are, then that's a problem. Go out and do whatever it is to make yourself feel more attractive. Buy/wear more flattering clothes, do your make-up differently, try a new look, do something.

      I'm glad my advise kind of worked. I'll take that as a good sign. What happened after that? Is there a way that you can keep moving forward just a little bit at a time? Maybe amping up the sexual tension and seeing where it goes? Maybe some cuddling if you haven't already? Good things happen to those who cuddle.

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    5. Hi again Josh,
      Thought I would give you an update. Things have been going ok but whenever I want to talk would us he wants to change the subject. Tonight I got him to open up a little more but his answers were confusing to say the least. When I asked if he had ever thought about us together in a relationship he said no but he has never thought about being in relationships with previous girlfriends when before they happened either. I then asked him if I should stop thinking about us being together one day and he got upset and threw his hands in the air and said no that wasn't what he said. I then asked him straight out if he had ever thought about us being together physically and he said no he doesn't fantasize about people he cares about because he think it is degrading to women. He then started to tell me that he doesn't enjoy sex and has never had an orgasm before (sorry for being so graphic but couldn't think of a more polite way of saying it). Anyway this has me really confused, especially considering that he has told me that he really likes it when I play with his hair, or touch his leg or back and that he can't concentrate at all when I do those things. He also tells me everyday that he loves me. So why tell me that he doesn't like sex and has never thought of us in a relationship and yet he likes me being affectionate with him and wants me to continue to think that one day we will be in a relationship. Help me figure this out please

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    6. Hi Confused,

      Thanks for coming back with an update. I always love it when people come back and tell me how the story ended, or in this case, continued. I also deleted all of the extra comments so there is just one.

      I don't think he is going to ever give you a straight answer. It looks like your situation is somewhat similar to "Anon" above. Honestly, this guy sounds pretty messed up, and not in a good way. He has been "hurt before," but haven't we all? He has clearly not over it. He is holding it against you and I don't like that. If I were you, I would run away from this guy, as in, cut him out of your life because a relationship with him isn't going to be healthy or enjoyable. Can you imagine a real relationship with this guy? I can only imagine the torture. He is indecisive at best.

      In any case, I don't think you will actually cut him out of your life, which is fine. He is a hard read here because I don't think he is sure what he wants. I will tell you the answer to one of your questions; he absolutely has fantasized about you sexually. His answer, though, shows some serious issues surrounding male/female relationships. It is degrading to women? I am pretty sure my girlfriend would be very happy knowing I fantasize about her. I am starting to believe that he really has bought into this whole philosophy of all male behavior being bad and men being too sexually focused, but I digress.

      It does seem like he wants something more with you, but he won't admit it for whatever reason. He likes when you do those things because they are sexual and he wants you sexually. Perhaps you feel some sexual tension in the air when you do those things? If you want, I would actually recommend some small escalations to those things you do. Maybe start massaging his back or getting dangerously close to his, well, you know, when you touch his leg. Ramp up that sexual tension and give him the opportunity to kiss you. Stare into his eyes, look at his lips, but wait for him to do it, or if you are feeling brave, start leaning into him a bit. I project success if you go that route, again, if that is what you want.

      Best of luck to you and please let me know how it goes.

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  66. Hi Josh,

    Hope you can help me too. I met a guy in college 6 months ago. I am 20 and he is 25. We would have lunch together and started texting. One day he asked me to hang out the coming weekend. I asked if he was asking me on a date and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. I would have liked to see where it went but I am ok with being friends. We get along very well and talk about everything. For instance I know he doesn't trust woman because his ex cheated. From the way he talks I know he would like to have sex and I told him from the beginning I'm not looking for casual sex. We will have a movie night and the next day he always texts me complimenting my outfit. We hang all the time and he doesn't try anything. He does talk about girls a lot and it seems he is trying to get me jealous. Fast forward 5 months. The last month he has been different, blowing off our plans a lot. I asked what was going on and he says things like I'm being bossy and he doesn't like it. I'm not his girlfriend. I don't think I'm acting any different and I certainly don't think I'm acting like his girlfriend. Then last weekend we had plans to go to a show together. I asked what time we were leaving and he said he didn't know if he wanted to go, then was going, meet him there. Just did not seem like he wanted me to go so I didn't. I was really mad about his attitude and didn't talk to him for a few days. On the 4th day I noticed he deleted me from facebook. I asked what his problem was and he went on again about me acting like a jealous girlfriend because I got mad about his change of plans and he doesn't want a relationship. Again I have not mentioned a relationship. I simply said friends don't just ditch you at the last minute. Things ended pretty bad, I'm pretty sure the friendship is over. I'm just really confused and would like some help figuring this out. Since he was the one bringing up the relationship factor so much is he fighting feelings? Or did he just want sex the whole time and when he finally realized I was serious about not wanting casual sex decided the friendship wasn't worth it? I feel confused and sad. I thought we had a good friendship going. Any insight would be appreciated.

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      This sounds like a pretty open and shut case to me. He is an immature 25-year old. Before I begin, while I believe you that his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him probably messed him up, he has to get over it. One woman cheated on him, the entire female gender did not cheat on him. He should not be taking out his frustrations on all women as it seems he has done with you.

      It is exactly as you suspected. He wants sex from you, but not much else, and you have been very clear that you are not interested in a one-night stand, which is your prerogative. It's your body and your choice. It seems like he has tried everything in his repertoire to get you to have sex with him and none of it has worked. I wonder how being a better man might have worked out for him? I suspect he never thought to try that one.

      In any case, it finally reached a point for him where it was obvious that you were not going to give in to him and have no strings attached sex, which is all the "friendship" was ever about for him. You had been consistent with your words and actions from the beginning, but he still tried to get you to do it anyway. Good for you for not falling for it. When it finally hit him that there was no chance of him getting into your pants, he started projecting the anger he felt onto you, completely unfairly. He started coming up with reasons why you were wronging him or being unfair to him and so he justified his actions. He unfriended you and did all of this because you were a bad "friend" in his eyes. In reality, he is just mad that you refuse to have sex with him.

      You are absolutely right that what he did is not what friends do to each other, but in reality, you guys were never friends to begin with. He wanted to have sex with you and if sex was never going to be a part of the equation, he would never have wanted to spend any time with you. Your sentence "Or did he just want sex the whole time and when he finally realized I was serious about not wanting casual sex decided the friendship wasn't worth it?" sums it up perfectly. The one correction I would make is that there was never a friendship. Friends don't see their friend as only good for sex and nothing else. I would never treat a friend how he treated you and never would you. He did you a huge favor by showing you his true colors. Trust me, a woman of your caliber can do far, far better. You are more mature at 20 than he is at 25. You need a guy who is as mature as you if not more mature. Best of luck to you.

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