Wednesday, January 30, 2013

So You Want to Catfish

WARNING: What you are about to read is not advised. Please do not attempt now nor ever. Thank you.
NOTE: For those of you who have arrived here looking for Rose from Catfish's Facebook, know that, according to what I have researched, it has been taken down. However, here is Kari Ann's official Facebook page:

I have a confession to make. This will be the first time I have publicly admitted this, but here goes nothing: I was in a Catfish relationship.* Before anyone jumps to any crazy conclusions, please scroll down to the footnote as it will explain almost everything. In any case, getting into one of these Catfish** relationships seems to be all the rage these days. Seeing as how I have personal experience and have been watching the television show and the current Manti Te’o saga perhaps too closely, I had to snap into action. It is time you, yes, you, got into an online relationship with someone you’ve never met:
Fun fact: She is not actually real. Well, she is, but she isn't. She's real, but she is also imaginary.
1. Pick Your Gender

That’s right, folks, you can be anyone you want to be on the internet. Guys, ever wanted to know what it’s like to be a really hot girl? Now you can find out. Girls, we know you’ve wanted to know why guys are so awesome. Being a girl for a day would, in theory, probably be fun.

2. Select Your Photos/Personality

In real life, you have flaws. We are aiming for an internet relationship here, so your real-life, inadequate self won’t cut it. On the internet, everyone is perfect. Pick some really great pictures and post them onto whatever site you’re using. Look around and find some great pictures. Maybe you’ve always wished you could be your best friend. Bingo! Now you can be. Your online character’s personality should, ideally, match up with what you think the pictures signify. Keep in mind, when the conversation heads to the phone, you have to be able to keep everything together. Or, you could be awesome, and use pictures of a school teacher but craft a personality like a rapper.

3. Find Your Target

So, you’ve set up your fake Facebook, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, or some other profile and you’re raring to go. Unfortunately, it takes two to virtually tango. Building the greatest profile in the world doesn’t mean zilch if it doesn’t attract anyone online. Your target should be another profile who looks equally perfect. Why? They’re probably misrepresenting themselves, too. You know it will lead to a crazy ending where both of you are hiding your real identities like none other to keep up the hoax but it all comes crashing down. Picking a normal, average person wouldn’t make for much fun later.

4. Cover Your Tracks

If this person is sane, they’re going to want to talk to you on the phone, chat with you on a webcam, or, heaven forbid, meet you in person in due course. Your job is to stay one step ahead. When they want to talk to you on the phone, be prepared to be in character. When they want to see you on a site like Skype, claim you don’t have one or yours doesn’t work. If they want to meet in person, keep pushing it back and coming up with excuses. You’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and you have to count your money. You remembered that you’re giving up meeting strange people on the internet for Lent***, but you’ll catch them after that. Be original and be evasive. You might be able to keep this up for a while.

5. When It Blows Up

Virtually all of these relationships come to a horrible, cry-inducing, ending. Much like Cuddle Buddies, these relationships don’t have a long shelf life. How would you like to keep up this act for the rest of your life? Sounds exhausting. Heck, I’m exhausted just writing about it. And eventually, you’ll probably realize that you’re really causing some serious emotional damage to the person on the other end. That is, if they’re not lying their pretend panties off just like you are. Seriously, you’re probably talking to a 45-year old man wearing only a robe in his Mother’s basement pretending to be a 19-year old model anyway. In any case, prepare for this ending and don’t get too emotionally attached.

Do any of you guys have Catfish stories involving you in an online relationship? Good luck to any and all who venture into the realm of Catfishing!

* So, you want to know the dirty details, do you? Very well. I was 13-years old and I got into an online relationship with a girl who seemed nice enough who I met through a mutual friend. It seemed completely legitimate. We talked a lot via Instant Message and on the phone several times. This was before webcams were in vogue. On the other end, I imagined a small, nerdy girl with glasses. When I finally got her picture, she was absolutely nothing like what I expected. It lasted four months...which is very different than 4 years, but still.

** For those of you who have been hiding under a rock and only come out of hiding to read this blog. A Catfish is based on a movie and now an MTV television show. It involves two people and the host and they dive into various online relationships where the two people have never met and try to determine if they have both been truthful with their identities. Spoiler alert: pretty much everyone on the internet is lying about something.

*** Honestly, as a Jew, I have no idea what Lent is. I vaguely know what it’s about, but I thought it would be fun to use a term that I don’t know the meaning to and see what happens. Hopefully I don’t insult anyone.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Harry Potter Movies Enrage Me

Back in the day, before television was invented and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was a teenager. As a teenager, I was absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter. I would stay up all day and all night when a new book came out. I barely came out to eat. Seeing as how I weighed more than quite a few NFL players at the time, that was quite an accomplishment. I could not wait for the movies to come out so I could finally see the Harry Potter universe instead of imagining it. And then they had to go and piss me off. Even as I write this, I am restraining myself from not pounding my keyboard into dust.* Below are some of the more egregious cases of how the Harry Potter movies went wrong:

The Goblet of Fire (4th movie)

Yes! Now the action starts. There will finally be legitimate fighting and someone actually dies, unlike the first three movies where no one of value dies. There’s no way they can screw this up. Wrong! Wrong. Wrong. It all starts at the Yule Ball. For some inexplicable reason, Hermione’s dress makes her boobs the pointiest objects I have ever seen. I am only slightly exaggerating. Seriously, don’t get too close. Her boobs might poke your eye out.** It’s like they put knives in her bra or something. Then, to make matters worse, the script called for Hermione to start, out of completely nowhere, start screaming at Harry and Ron to go to bed. What kind of sense does that make? Who does she think she is, their pointy-boobed Mother? In unrelated news, why exactly is Bartemius Crouch screaming like a caged animal in the flashback scene. Gee, I wonder if he worked for Voldemort after that. Because everyone who is innocent does that and screams “Yaaaaaa!" at absolutely everything.
Sure, maybe I exaggerate a little, but seriously, pointy is not what they should have been going for.
The Order of the Phoenix (5th movie)

In this, the fifth installment, the script and the director really screwed the pooch. Apparently, in Harry Potter logic, if you just so happen to be evil, you can become black smoke and fly anywhere you want. You don’t need a broom. All you need is to be evil. While you are in this smoke form, you can do anything and everything you want. Destroy stuff. Kill people. Be generally scary. You name it. I have no idea why this is and I’m pretty sure no one else does, either. And don’t get me started on the fireworks scene. Yep, that will teach old Dolores Umbridge a lesson. Random fireworks! I can feel the vengeance. If I was perpetrating evil against a school, my greatest fear would be a fireworks display. Fun fact: random fireworks displays actually work better at stopping evil-doing than taking the criminals to jail.

The Half-Blood Prince (6th movie)

First of all, geez, was there enough making out in this movie? I felt like I was watching a Twilight sex scene for part of it. Perhaps the director got bored of that whole Hogwarts thing and was sick of all of the Voldemort vs. Harry stuff and wanted to make it into an episode of MTV’s The Real World? The scene where Hermione sends all of those birds to attack Ron Weasley is what I imagine Ronnie and Sammie would do to each other in the third season of Jersey Shore.*** What was up with the scene where Bellatrix Lestrange burns down the Weasley’s house? That didn’t actually happen in the book. Where exactly are the Weasley’s supposed to live? The movie never tells us. Also, good move not showing Dumbledore’s funeral. Whatever, he probably wasn’t important enough to deserve a funeral, anyway.

I think that’s enough Harry Potter bashing for today. The first couple of movies, aside from a minor flaw or two****, were actually pretty good. The last two movies, although too short for my taste, actually have grown on me. For those of you who have absolutely no idea what Harry Potter is, then I hope you are imprisoned forever in Azkaban and that the dementors have their way with you! Unfortunately, if you don't know Harry Potter, you'll have no idea what that last sentence was supposed to imply. Sadness.

* Some of you might be surprised that I know how to exhibit anger, but yes, it may have been a while, but I still remember how to do it. I can turn into The Hulk at a moment’s notice. I could say you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, but you probably would. I’m a bundle of joy when I’m yelling and screaming...or so I’ve heard.

** Oh come on, don’t tell me you weren’t paying attention. It was impossible to look away.

*** Can you imagine it? “I am so sick of this, Ron! What you did in Miami was such a sucky thing to do.” Instead of throwing her bed onto the porch, Ronnie unleashes the wrath of the birds on Sammie. Meanwhile, he calls his ex for comfort.

**** In the first movie, I was looking forward to the potions scene at the end where the right combination of potion needs to be drunk in order to advance. I could not wait to see it. It was, by far, my favorite scene in the book. Then I found out they left it out. Thanks for destroying the dreams of a 10-year old, Chris Columbus. I ate an entire cake afterwards because I was so sad. Aside from that, though, the first two movies really mirrored the book extraordinarily well, so I will overlook this one flaw.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The One Thing Women Suck At

Let me first start by saying this is a high-quality problem to have. You’re hot and you have a bangin’ personality and guys want you. However, speaking on behalf of all men, we would like to say there’s one thing you women do that really gets to us. You have no idea how to reject guys. All you do is leave a wake of broken hearts and puppy dog eyes in your wake. You’re better off doing the Jenna Marbles face instead of the crappy lines you use. Below, I will be using some common phrases you women use and explain why they are about as effective as trying to eat soup with a knife. Finally, I’ll hit you with a foolproof method of rejecting us properly.
The bad acting is admittedly a problem, but this is probably a better way to reject a guy than any of the phrases below.

“I’m not ready for a relationship because of *insert random excuse here*”

Actually, yes you are, you just aren’t ready for one with us. Nor will you be in this lifetime. Nor the next lifetime. Unfortunately, this is an atrocious way to reject a guy. All that will do is make us look at you like a sick puppy. We actually need to care for and love you more so you’ll get over this problem of yours. Look, we have nothing better to do other than wait around for you to be ready to love us. We’ll wait you out. We have unlimited love to give.

“You’re Like a Brother To me”

If you use this line, I hope someone ties your pigtails together. You’d think this one would shoo us away for good, right? Who wants to kiss their brother? That’s what you’re thinking. Guys are thinking, “cool, who are you closer to than your brother? She must feel really close to me and like she can tell me anything.” Wait, wasn’t that exactly the opposite of what you were trying to get at? Oops.

“Let’s Be Friends”

You do not want to be friends with this guy. You’d rather be friends with that girl who is calling you fat behind your back. Why are you leading him on? What are guys thinking when you use this? “Women always say they want to be friends with a guy before getting into a relationship with him. Cool! I’m halfway there!” All he has to do now is wait for you to fall in love with him, you guys will kiss, and have 12 kids. Expect for him to turn on the charm now. Everything you saw before was just practice.

“I like you, you’re such a great guy, but...”

I know you read Cosmopolitan magazine and it says to go for the compliment sandwich*, but don’t do it.** We’re only listening to the first part and we hear all of these compliments, which means the door is still open to getting in your pants*** If this guy is so great, why aren’t you kissing him and holding his hand? Forget the compliments. You don’t actually like this guy. Tell it to him like it is. How about: “some other girl will love you, ‘cause I sure don’t and never will.” Jackpot.

“I’m busy that day, text me later.”

It’s the old classic of pretending you actually have stuff to do. You don’t. All you’re doing is scrolling up and down your Facebook News Feed for hours. What guys hear is “oh, she’s busy that day, but she wants to get together, which is why she told me to text her later. I will keep asking her to hang out until I find a day she is free.” Poor guy. You’re giving him false hope. Women, do you see what you’re doing to this poor, fictitious guy? You’re killing his dreams of dating you. He was looking forward to taking you home to his Mother but he’ll never get the chance. He thinks your schedule will actually open up sometime in the next year.

Alright, so we’ve delved into all of the horrible ways women can reject a guy, none of which actually work. So what is the correct way to do it? Here it is: tell him you don’t like him in that way and don’t have those kinds of feelings for him and then fill in with whatever you want. Do not give this guy false hope, just tell him the way it is. I cannot tell you how many guys still think they have a chance with a girl who rejected them months or even years earlier. In the end, bluntly telling him you’re not interested is your best bet. Anything else means you’re a wuss.

* Compliment Sandwich: When you want to change something your man does, compliment him, then tell him what he needs to change, then compliment him again. Thus, it creates a word sandwich. Genius, right?

** It also is filled with way more sex secrets than you’ll ever need and fun quizzes to see what you want in your dream guy. Not that I would know...

*** Or, if you’re like me, you want to get together so you guys can be Cuddle Buddies. Having a cuddle buddy is arguably the best relationship in the world...or so I hear.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A Naked Girl Tried to Kill Me at 2:00 am a.k.a. My First Chain E-Mail

Do all of you guys remember chain emails? You know, those emails from people you didn’t actually like who would send you stuff like “if you do not forward this to 10 people, a meteor will strike you and your future spouse will marry someone else.” Well, imagine a 12-year old version of me reading one of those for the first time and that is the backdrop for this story. I was so cute back then. I have no idea what happened, either.

See! Those chain emails have consequences. Those of us who don't have 10 friends and barely have four are screwed.

It was a normal day and I had finally figured out how to access the internet. I went to check my email, and what was waiting for me that day would change the very fate of my entire life. I opened the message and read: “If you forward this to 10 people, you will win $1 million. If you don’t, a naked girl will come to your room and kill you at 2:00 am.” I sat there in shock for a moment and then I jumped in excitement.

SCORE! A real, live, girl. And she was going to be naked, too. All the work would be done for me. I was jubilant. I was 12-years old and I had no idea what a girl even smelled like. Heck, I didn’t even know what kissing or sex even was at that point.* I had to spend an entire day preparing for the arrival of this girl. I prepared absolutely everything.

I opened my window so she would have an easier time getting in. I grabbed some s’mores, chips, and various other food and drink items so we would have something to eat.** I was a bit concerned about that whole “killing me” deal, but I figured my sparkling personality and excellent cuddling skills would prevail and she would fall in love. Just in case, I also grabbed some rope and a shovel in case she got feisty.*** I got into bed and waited. And waited. And waited.

At 2:05 I was slightly worried. At 2:10 I was concerned. And at 2:15, I knew she wasn’t coming. I cried like a 240-pound**** baby. The rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. This female assailant didn’t even think I was good enough to kill. She was probably off murdering much better looking kids. Sadness. I cried myself to sleep that night. I would never trust chain mail again, because even when you don’t do everything they say, the naked girl never actually comes.

And so ends a random story from my childhood. You guys said you wanted to know more about me, and there you go. The story has a happy ending, I guess. Later in life, I realized that one should not have to depend on naked girls crashing through windows to kill me to get a date. There are, surprisingly, easier ways. Whodathunkit?

* Alright, alright, so I wasn’t that innocent. I did know what kissing was, but I still was a sucker for the Stork Story where all newborns were carried by very awkward birds and brought to new parents.

** Admittedly, since I was a fat kid who couldn’t help himself, I ate absolutely everything by 11:00 pm, but my heart was in the right place.

*** Look, I was only going to tie her up so she wouldn’t kill me. When we had talked enough and I could trust her, I was going to let her go.

**** Probably 245-pounds after all of that food I had eaten. My parents were not happy the next day to discover that I had essentially eaten them out of house and home.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get Into Your Pants

LEGAL NOTE: If you are not at least 18-years old, please do not read what follows click the Red "X" now! Thank you in advance.

The Worse Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

We are about to figuratively blow the lid off of a topic some women have wondered about for years. You may have some sneaking suspicions about one or more of your guy friends. You think he may just want to get to know you a little better, but you’re not positive. And when I say "a little better," I mean he wants to have Fifty Shades of Grey style sex with you, in case I wasn't clear.* t cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from women “I am so bad at this dating stuff, I never know when a guy likes me!.” Well, wonder no more, because the answers are mere seconds away. Let’s cut this introduction short and jump right in:

A hug from behind? And these two are supposedly "friends?" What is the world coming to? He wants you! Also, is it just me, or does that guy look like Toby from Pretty Little Liars?

1. You’ve Been Friends For a Long Time

By the way, “long time” is defined as more than a couple of months. I know I am breaking Guy Code here, but what I am about to say is the truth. If you’re “friends” with a guy, especially for some amount of time, he has thought about the possibility of you and him, well, you know. We can’t help feeling this way, it’s just how it is. We’re the victims of our feelings, really. This doesn’t necessarily mean we would act on any feelings, but know that the feelings exist.

2. The “What Would He Do If...” Test

WARNING: Once you know his one and use it, you'll never be the same again.
Imagine yourself entering his bedroom with few or no clothes, looking him right in the eye and saying “take me.” If, in your fantasy, he would oblige, then he wants you. If he would say something else, then he has no feelings for you. Most women, when they think about it, will probably be surprised with the conclusions they come to.

If your guy "friend" is guilty of any of these, he may want you to take the place of the woman in the picture above. See my note below on Fifty Shades of Grey for why you would probably enjoy it.
3. He’s Jealous

This is a bit of a sneaky trick, but man, is it effective. Casually mention a guy you think might be a good fit for you and see how he reacts. If he seems to have a strong visceral reaction against the aforementioned gentleman, he probably is into you. To be sure, mention another guy or two in the next week and see what he does. What you’re looking for is a trend. If he shoots down every potential suitor, he is more than interested.**

4. Sex Has Come Up

This is another dead giveaway. If you guys have casually spoken about sex, then there is a very good chance he would like to be more than a friend to you. The deeper the conversation gets, the more likely it is he wants you. Guys generally aren’t comfortable talking about deep sexual stuff with just any woman. It has to be the right woman. If this is happening, then the “right” woman is you!***

5. He Has Complimented You

I don’t mean he’s complimented your intelligence or personality, I mean either a body part or something you’ve worn. If he says the skirt you’re wearing looks nice, it means he is really paying attention. Why? Because he’s into you. If he says you have great legs or are generally sexy, then it’s a good bet he has thought about you sexually. Trust me on this one. Actually, if he compliments you at all, you should at least be suspicious that he wants you. Guys don't tend to compliment women they aren't attracted to.

6. Flirting

This might be the strongest indicator, but also the one that goes unnoticed most often. If he is flirting with you in any way, then he is probably into you. What I mean is, does he tickle you or crack jokes that he wouldn’t crack around other people? Maybe you guys are very touchy-feely when you’re together. If you notice any kind of flirting on his end, that is a strong indicator that there is a purpose behind it.

Man, do I feel bad about myself after this post. I feel like I have shed light on a few things that perhaps were better off left shrouded in darkness. I can feel myself being excommunicated from the male community as we speak. I hope it was worth it!

* And women, I have done enough asking around to know that way more of you are into the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff than anyone could have ever imagined. Apparently getting handcuffed, spanked, and giving over complete control to a guy is irresistibly sexy. Who knew? If you are still on the fence if you like this stuff or not and you're a female, you haven't been with the right guy yet, trust me.

** Some of you may be wondering, “well, couldn’t he pretend he doesn’t care when he’s actually dying on the inside?” It’s possible, no doubt, but come on, how many guys know how to scheme and deceive that well? Not many.

*** Yes, for those of you who read the Cuddle Buddies post last week, you now see why it’s so hard to keep those things platonic. Guys don’t spill their guts to anyone, they usually reserve that stuff for someone special.

Most Popular Posts:
Cuddle Buddies
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A Naked Girl Tried to Kill Me at 2:00 AM!
So You Want to Catfish

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Cuddle Buddies

Finally! A topic I know something about. I’m not very good at a lot of things. Kissing? Bad. Emotions? Not a fan. Fun? It’s overrated. Cuddling, however, is where I am a self-appointed professional. If there was a Cuddle Committee, I would be the chairman. I would medal at the Cuddlympics. In any case, there is a lot of bad information out there on what Cuddle Buddies are. One website calls them a complete myth! Those fools. Seriously, Google it and be prepared for an onslaught of conflicting information. Actually, don’t Google it and just wait for me to tell you about it in the next paragraph. What I hope to accomplish here is to right the wrongs involved in the world of cuddling. Let’s begin!

Aww, look at those kittens cuddling. Also, spooning is secretly not so secretly every girl's favorite position.
1. What Cuddling is Not

I’ll be honest, I added a New Year’s Resolution to my list this year to get angry more often. People have said I am too nice and do not overreact enough, so here I am, trying to find things to get pissed off about. Cuddling is not some throwaway gesture done at the end of sex to appease one’s significant other. If your heart isn’t in it, why cuddle? Better that you go off to sleep and spare us all the completely worthless display you call cuddling. Cuddling is not exclusive to middle-aged women who can’t find anyone to love them, as one website proclaims. Seriously, mysterious woman who spouts this garbage, please stop soiling one of the best parts of life and leave the internet alone! Finally, it is not supposed to be a prelude to sex, either. Actually, I’ll add one here. It is not done with a pillow! You need two people for this exercise. Get those cuddling pillows out of here!

2. What Cuddling Is

Cuddling is when two people get together, ideally in a bed, sometimes in an uncomfortable car seat, while one person holds the other. They can switch positions, but it usually doesn’t work like that and is weird. Typically, one is a “holder” and the other the “held.” The person being held is usually the one comforted, although both people gain something from it. Not only is there close physical contact throughout the duration, but there is usually quite a bit of talking. Typically, the conversations are emotionally-charged in a good way. Emotions tend to be much more free flowing when you’re literally holding onto someone or vice-versa. Go figure. If the person you’re cuddling with doesn’t suck at it, then usually, the longer it goes on, the better it becomes. Most importantly, there is very little, if any, sexual overtones or contact during a cuddle with a cuddle buddy. You’re there for the emotional stuff, not the sex. If you want sex, go have sex. If you want to cuddle, then cuddle.

3. Why Cuddling Is Awesome

I have always come away from a good cuddle session feeling refreshed and raring to go. Seriously, think about all of the times you've cuddled with someone and how you felt after. If you did it correctly, you felt great after. There is a reason why oxytocin is called "the cuddle hormone." Seriously, Google it. Oxytocin does all of these amazing things like bond people to one another and product good feelings. So guys, when you want to deepen your relationship with a woman, cuddle with her. If done correctly, you'll get a lot out of it, too.

4. How to Find a Cuddle Buddy

Ahh, this is the question on everyone’s mind.* How does one obtain a cuddle buddy? It’s usually a good idea to do a bit of research here. Does this person look like a good cuddler? Women, if the guy seems very relaxed, chill, and down to earth, you’re on the right track. He also shouldn’t be obviously interested in you sexually.** Thus, someone you aren’t particularly close to, but more of an acquaintance would work well. Guys, if you want a cuddle buddy for any reason, search out a girl you really get along with and feel you can really open up to. Someone who makes you feel those “warm fuzzies” on the inside. Someone who you want to hold. For both sexes, make sure it is someone you can trust to keep their mouth shut and not divulge your deepest, darkest secrets.

5. The Rules/Helpful Tips

Alright, so you’ve found an acquaintance-esque person who you think would be a great cuddler to fulfill all of your emotional needs. Fantastic. Now, it is time to talk to them to make sure you’re good to go here. They have to know what this relationship will be. It will be about cuddling and emotions. It is basically a friendship on steroids. No sex and there will probably not be a relationship in this person’s future with you. They are not to share anything you talk about with anyone. Making sure you only see this person once a week or less is a great idea to ensure neither of you get too attached. Promote a culture of openness between both of you so that when one of you wants to end it for any reason, it’s not a problem. The openness is to ensure there are no surprises. The more information you can give them, the better. If they’re cool with it, then great! You have just netted yourself a cuddle buddy. Your friends should be jealous, they only wish they could have what you have.

6. The Demise

Unfortunately, much like The Hurt Locker***, Cuddle Buddy Relationships tend to blow up. Virtually always****, something falls apart. Most often, one person falls for the other and it either evolves into a relationship, or more often, doesn’t. Sometimes one person finds a real relationship and then ends it. Sometimes, it doesn’t work because of a breach of trust. No matter what, something inevitably fails. I mean, how many people do you know who have a cuddle buddy for years? Not many, I imagine. Make sure to enjoy the good arrangement while it lasts and understand that, in all likelihood, it is temporary.

My Verdict: You can probably tell I'm just a little biased. Honestly, my dream has always been to find a great cuddle buddy. Unfortunately, it has never worked out for me. Either the woman has fallen for me or we have fallen for each other, but my dream lives on! Maybe I'll never find a great cuddle buddy, but one of the pre-requisites for a wife is she has to be a great cuddler.

* Well, mostly women, but perhaps a few guys.

** If there is interest, there will probably be a “how to know if a guy wants to get into your pants” post. Email me!

*** Emotionally speaking, of course.

**** The best application of a Cuddle Buddy is a short-term arrangement where the meetings are few and far between, as stated above. In rare cases, these do actually work out for the best and there is a positive effect on the lives of both people. Aww.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

One-Liner Rejections

Rejection, for many of us, is a part of life. For some of us, it is a rather big part of life and we would like to shrink that portion any way we can. Rejections in the dating world are perhaps the most comical since, when someone is clearly rejected in their advances, it is somewhat hysterical. Everyone points and laughs at the poor sap who tried to ask the girl of his dreams out, it’s usually the cover story of the morning paper, and nowadays, people use cruel hashtags such as #sucks2Bu and talk about it all over Facebook. Here are some of the more memorable ones from my life, although I will not state whether this is something I overheard, was told, or if it happened to me. Good luck in uncovering the mystery!

- Sorry, I only go out with guys who are tall enough to ride rollercoasters.
- Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever kissed a girl before? That was awful. I hope you never kiss another one.
- I wouldn’t date you if you were the last girl on Earth. The human species would become extinct and that would be that. No repopulating the world fantasies, please!
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Did I mention the answer is no? I will not go out with you.
- Look, I’m desperate, but I’m not that desperate. No thank you.
- We are never, ever, ever, ever, getting back together. You go talk to your friends...*
- There must be something wrong with me because I can’t get the guys I like to ask me out, all I get are guys like you. My life sucks.
- Maybe if you changed your hair, got new clothes, lost some weight, worked out, and a couple of other things, I would think about going out with you. No promises, though.
- Look, honey, sugar, baby, you’re really cute, but you’re way too young for me. Call me in five years.**
- Uh...I’ll you call sometime!***

Oh, and it probably goes without saying, but feel free to use any and all of these in your daily life. The person you are using these on will thank you for it.

* Grrs Taylor Swift song that’s stuck in my head! It is so annoying and catchy that I must sing and hum it everywhere.

** These two people were actually the same age. And, five years, what difference would that make? If two people are 20 and 25 and that is too big an age difference, then in five years, 25 and 30 will be okay? Color me confused.

*** This is perhaps the most troubling one. Why don’t they put some sort of a timeline on the phone call? And more importantly, they don’t actually have the other person’s number. Hopefully they never see each other again. Awkward!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Get a Guy to Ask You Out in 5 Easy Steps

I have said it forever, but women have it easy. You don’t have to take a bullet for your man, you don’t have to hold open doors for your boyfriend, and most importantly, you sure as heck don’t have to go up and ask that guy you adore out. Oh no, that’s his job, and all of you women let me know it loud and clear. You don’t give a rat’s rear how to ask a girl out, you’re a girl and you’re not about to ask a guy out, so the question is: how do you get a guy to ask you out? You don’t want to have to make the first move, you want him to be a man, approach you, and ask you out and within a week, you want to get engaged, I get it. As a guy myself, I have asked out a girl or 16* in my day, and there was definitely something that separated the women I asked out versus the ones I wanted to take out a restraining order on. So, how can you be that women who can get virtually any guy you want to approach you and inevitably ask you out? Here are the best answers I could decipher from various fortune cookies:

1. Gather Information

If you read last week’s post, you know how much value I put on securing information and waiting as long as possible to make even the simplest moves. Women, start your smart phones! This is especially if you have one particular guy you are targeting. You have to check his Facebook, Twitter, personal journal, and every available outlet to find out what he likes. If there is a kernel of information about him out there, you have to know about it. Everything from all of his past girlfriends and their addresses to his underwear size should be memorized.** That way, when you actually get in a conversation with him, you’ll blow him away with all of the cool stuff you have in common. Men love this. Sure, it will take you a month or more to gather this information, but you will love the results you get. Also be sure to note if the women he is pictured with on Facebook generally look like you or not so you can know for sure if you’re his “type.”
2. Check Your Outfit

Decide what you want out of this. Do you want him to throw you against a wall and make-out with you so passionately that you’ll remember the one-night stand for the rest of your life Or, do you want to get into a relationship with this guy and have him stick around for a long time?*** If you want to claw your fingernails into his back within the next three hours, then be honest about it through your clothes. Well, actually, by your lack of clothes. Wear as little as possible or something that is very teasing. I am praying you are looking for something longer term than this, and if that is the case, make sure to match his style as closely as you can and keep it tasteful. Think “Girl Next Door” as opposed to Britney Spears in a music video or anything Ke$ha has in her closet. People tend to gravitate towards people similar to themselves, so dressing in his general style will help you a lot here. How many groups of people hanging out together like they all belong together as opposed to dressing and acting completely different?

3. Look and Act Approachable

If you look angry, look like you haven’t been happy since 1997, or are completely absorbed in your phone without taking a breath, guys probably aren’t going to be flocking to you. That clearly signals to us that you don’t want to talk and/or you really haven’t been happy in 16 years. Maybe you have a good reason to be mad. Perhaps someone just kicked your puppy or your employer informed you that the only reason you aren’t getting a pay decrease is because of minimum wage, either way, we shouldn’t be able to tell. When you’re out and want a guy to come talk to you, smile, look generally joyous, and make eye contact if he makes eye contact with you. You can be sure the number of conversations you have will increase. If you’re scared of talking to guys or have no idea what to say, practice on various cashiers and such.

4. Use Other People for Nefarious Purposes

Alright, alright, so I like using the word “nefarious” even when it doesn’t make any sense, so what? What you can do here is use your friends, especially mutual friends between you and this guy you have the hots for, to your advantage. Ask them piercing questions about whether this guy likes you or not and why in the world he hasn’t asked someone as awesome as you out yet? Seriously, what is his hold-up? Doesn’t he realize you are a woman in demand who any guy would love to be with? He needs to get his ducks in a row and make a move!**** Ahem, in any case, make sure to try to get your and/or his friends to push him along.

5. Dump the Subtle Stuff

So, you’ve been throwing proverbial spit balls at the back of his head and he still doesn’t notice you? Well, you have to consider what the guy you’re after sees. He probably thinks you’re “just being nice” and you “do this with everyone.” I know, right? If you ask most guys who haven’t been on many dates, heck, ask some who have had their fair share of girlfriends, they’ll tell you that they want women to ask them out and make everything easier. Women, on the other hand, want the guy to do everything. Is the solution that no one asks anyone out and we all live single, lonely lives? No! You have to meet him halfway. Start being less subtle with your signals. Instead of asking him what his plans are for the weekend, begin talking about how you have nothing to do on Saturday. If he doesn’t pick up on that, try bringing up something you really want to go to or do. If he still does nothing with that, give up, find a new guy, and go buy yourself a carton of ice cream.

* But hey, who’s counting, right?

** You are going to get him underwear for Christmas, right? How will you know what size to get him if you don’t find out this vital information? Women, for whatever reason, love to buy men clothes. We get it, we don’t dress as nicely as you would like, but come on, get us something cool like a motorcycle jacket or something masculine.
*** There is also a third option where you see a guy and immediately, you know you never want his lips anywhere near close to yours, not in this lifetime nor the next. This option is also known as “the Josh zone.”

**** I don’t actually know why I started ranting there, but I am not about to delete it, so there you go. It is statements like these that keep me up at night.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

How to Make a Good New Year's Resolution

New Year’s Resolutions suck. There, I said it. Seriously, they may as well make a holiday where all of us talk about how lazy we are and get it over with. I remember reading a study that showed 90% or more of us never actually complete our New Year’s Resolutions. What’s more, most of us seem to fall off the wagon within the first ten days. Of course, that gym we joined wanted the first month’s fee up front. Thus, New Year’s Resolutions are essentially worthless. We make them to break them. Now that I have thoroughly trashed New Year’s Resolutions, let us delve into how exactly to make a good one:
Good idea. Lie about other, more important, things. Ahem, I mean, lying is wrong! The truth will set you free.
Image from:
1. Come Up with Something Completely Ridiculous

The only reason we make New Year’s Resolutions is because everyone asks us what our Resolution is. Let’s call it what it is, we don’t even like most of the people who ask us what our Resolution is. Thus, it is time to get passive aggressive. Come up with something utterly crazy that will blow them away and get them to never talk to you again. How about brushing your teeth less or putting on a few pounds? Perhaps making out with an inanimate object and posting the video on Youtube? Maybe you want to buy pairs of pants that are three sizes too big so you can motivate yourself to gain a ton of weight? Be creative.

2. Set the Bar Low...Really Low

What’s the issue with all of our Resolutions? They’re too difficult! Resolutions such as “lose 20 pounds” or “work out three times a week” require too much invested effort. Why doesn’t anyone manage their expectations and aim low? If everyone would set their goals at a reasonable level, nobody would be disappointed. How about work out once a week for as short an amount of time as you want? Maybe only eat five boxes of cookies per week instead of six?* Lose five pounds by July.

3. Reverse Psychology
It’s time to trick yourself. We’re all rebels at our core, and it’s obvious that if we set a goal, we’re just going to go rogue for the sake of it. It’s time for reverse psychology. How about telling yourself you won’t kiss a girl this year? Maybe vowing to only wear torn shirts and sweatpants is more your style? This year, it’s time to make less money and spend it more recklessly! You get the point. You’ll naturally disobey yourself, and before you know it, be on your way to an actual New Year’s Resolution you can be proud of.

4. Focus on One Area of Your Life

So, you completed a life inventory and realized that, while you’re amazing in some areas, you’re positively dreadful in one or two. This year, it is time to focus all of your attention on one of those areas that you really need improvement on. Forget everything that you’re good at, and instead, focus all of your attention on that one aspect of your life. Let’s say that area is sleeping. Every night, make sure you get your 8 hours or more by stopping whatever it is that you’re doing and heading to bed. If that means not finishing homework or a project for work, so be it. Do you exercise every single day but still live in your Mother’s basement writing an advice blog?** The it’s time to focus on getting an actual job that pays an actual salary.*** Feel free to completely delete your blog since nobody probably reads it anyway.

5. My Resolutions

Well, if you read the top, then you know that I don’t actually have any legitimate resolutions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a few in mind for what could have been. So here are some of the ones I would have gone with and that I will tell people if they ask me, notice how I used various strategies from above:

- Lose six pounds sometime before May.
- Actually use my college degree.
- Cuddle more, even though 2012 was kind of The Year of the Cuddle.
- Learn how to do something besides cuddling well.
- Get a job that pays less than minimum wage.
- Spend more time on this blog and less time on other, more worthwhile endeavors.
- Cross off some items on my Bucket List.
- Write a new Bucket List which includes more than a few activities that aren’t even that great.
- Torture myself by eating more vegetables.

* Replace that last box with some brownies or something. See? Easy.

** Hey! I am not describing myself here. I do not live in my Mother’s basement. I have my own room.

*** On a completely unrelated note, I will be getting around to this....eventually.

Credit for this idea goes to Nat.