Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Rock Concerts Are Scary

What is it about rock* shows that gathers up seemingly every single woman in the world who could realistically beat me up? Seriously, it’s as if the advertisement for the concert always says “can you kick the crap out of a 5"9 Jew? Great! Then we want you! Dress up in all black clothes and meet us there at 8:00!” Anyway, I must point out some other strange goings on at rock concerts that keep me up at night:


What is it about rock concerts that makes everyone think it’s a nude beach? Seriously. There are sweaty men without shirts and pants walking around looking touch and disoriented. What exactly happened to their clothes? Who is holding them?
And then there are the women. Women, why at these rock concerts are you all essentially wearing bras and short shorts? I get it, it’s hot, but come on, at least wear a legitimate shirt. And no, tank tops don’t count. I have one theory as to where all of the clothes go...

Stuff Flying Around Wildly

If it’s a rock concert, you know stuff is going to be flying around. Shoes might hit you. An alcoholic beverage could be dumped on your head. Heck, the bands themselves are not immune to this. I have seen band members hit with projectiles more than once. Although some take it better than others:

Never Fear! The Vampires Are Here!

Kristen Stewart does seem like the rocker girl-type. Apparently, the girls who show up to rock concerts have taken note from the Twilight star. Everywhere you turn, it’s as if guys, likely close to naked, are sinking their teeth into their girlfriends. What is going on here? And why have I seen more necking, biting, and groping at a rock concert than I would at a high school dance? Is this not America? Something is clearly wrong. Keep your kinky foreplay to yourself. Some of us have virgin eyes.

Other Shenanigans

Crowd surfing. Now there’s a good idea. Let’s grab a girl, and throw her on top of a bunch of people and hope her face doesn’t hit the floor. Hopefully her wallet, shoes, and clothes come back with her and haven’t been stolen by a clepto crowd.
Flashing is another genius move. A bunch of drunk girls running around and baring all to everyone. It's as if they think we've never seen a boob before. What is this, a slumber party?** Are we going to play truth or dare or “Never Have I Ever” after the show is over?
The Incredible Screaming Chick is another annoyance. Every rock concert has that one girl who screams every three seconds. No one knows why. Maybe her boyfriend is sinking his teeth into her too aggressively?

So there you have it. A variety of unexplainable phenomena that occur at rock concerts. I’m sure there is some explanation for why these things occur, but heck if I know. And if you hated this post, please don’t throw a rock at the back of my head. I have feelings.

* In this case, I mean “rock show” as in rock music, not a display of all your Dad’s old pet rocks or rare rocks.

** Uh...not that I would know what happens at a slumber party. But I have read a magazine or two. Do pillow fights actually happen?

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Holding Grudges

For those of you “in the know,” you can imagine how difficult this last post is to write. I had a myriad of topic ideas and, inevitably, I rejected all of them. Luckily, late last night, someone chimed in with a good idea. Today, we will be talking about holding grudges and why it’s a great idea to stay angry at everyone who has ever wronged you. Let’s begin:

Look, if you can remember why you’re still angry at all of the people you’re pissed at, you’re doing it wrong. Maintaining a certain level of anger in life is important. Do you really want to be like all of those happy go-lucky people who are always skipping to wherever they need to go or smiling and laughing all the time? Of course you don’t. Those people are annoying.

I, for one, can remember most of the people who have wronged me even from an early age. When I was three years old, there was a curly-haired girl named Molly who I went to pre-school with. All I wanted to do was go on the swings with her, but no, Molly wanted to play tag. Actually, it may have been hide and go seek, because she obviously didn’t want to be found. I sat at the bench next to the slide in sadness. When I was five, I was the butt of a cruel April Fool’s joke. This kid pretended to be someone else for 15 minutes while we were playing at the park. I never saw either of them again.*

What is the biggest reason to hold a grudge against someone? That’s easy. When they delete you off of Facebook. It is the biggest slap in the face. I would rather these people key my car and shave all the hair off my mom instead of deleting me off of Facebook. Slap me repeatedly with a giant dolphin or something, but don’t defriend me on Facebook.
This means war. How could someone really unfriend any of us? We're awesome.

If you know someone has defriended you on Facebook, then the next time you see them, you have every right to completely ignore them even if they say something to you. Obviously they don’t care what you have to say, otherwise they would still be friends with you on Facebook and read your extremely witty status updates about how you have a pregnant squirrel eating through the roof of your house. All you can do is look at them in the eye, shake your head, and walk away. If they ask why you’re pissed, tell them “look, puffy pants, I know we’re not Facebook friends anymore. So go jump on a broken trampoline.” That should get your point across.

Need a strategy to get back at someone who has wronged you? When you see them, make sure to scream "YOUR BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU!!!!!" at the top of your lungs. If you are screaming at a guy, so much the better.

Either someone unfriended her, or her boyfriend just posted pictures of himself with a girl in a bikini.

* Parents, these anecdotes are perfectly good reasons why it’s a horrible idea to take your kids to the park. Nothing good happens at the park. Keep them home and have them watch TV instead.

Thanks to Nat for the idea.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

4 Things Men Wish Women Knew

Let’s do this. Women, we men keep a ton of secrets from you. A ton. We would love for you to figure out what those are so you can be better girlfriends and wives, but we can’t just tell you. What kind of sense would that make? However, here at Angry Rose Bushes, my goal is to make you into The Perfect Woman (I see you all agree, since that post is, by far, ARB’s most popular). So what do we as guys wish you knew? Well, I could be here all day or I could give you four insights into the male mind:

1. Being Motherly is Hot

You know that nagging urge you have to go “aww, that’s so cuuuuute!,” head over to the toy section at the store, and talk in a baby voice? Embrace it. Men secretly love it. Why? Subconsciously, we know motherhood is a feminine attribute. We’re guys, thus, we tend to love women and femininity. Additionally, if you’re showing that you can be a great mom by being great with kids, friendly to animals, and caring and kind-hearted in general, well, you’re well on your way to a guy wanting either a long-term relationship with you or to present you with a wedding ring. Guys tend to determine within a couple of minutes whether a girl is in the slut pile or marriage material. How many motherly women do you think land in the slut pile? Exactly.
Google says these two are related. Hopefully they are mother and kid, to illustrate my point. If not, well...never mind.
2. We Want to Feel Needed

We pretend to be tough as nails on the outside, but in reality, we’re soft as marshmallows and/or a stuffed teddy bear on the inside...usually. The more independent you are, the less we feel like you need us in your life. Thus, make sure your man knows he helps you out and life is easier and better with him. We want you to validate the job we’re doing with compliments and gestures. Physical intimacy, including when you cuddle closer to us for support, counts.
Awww. Look how legitimately happy they look!
3. We Think You’re Attractive

Go figure, huh? Accept it. If we’re with you, we like you and think you’ve got yourself together. Feel free to act like it. No need to ask if all of these random girls are pretty or wonder if we actually want to be with you or not. If we didn’t, we’d be with someone else. You can walk with a swagger if you want.

4. We Want to Be With You Way Too Much And Show You Off to Everyone

We want to spend tons of time with you. And when I say that, I mean if there are seven days in a week, spending five with you, the girlfriend, is not excessive, especially from the get go. Unfortunately, we know that’s desperate and we’re supposed to be playing hard to get and mysterious, so we don’t see you as often as we’d like. Not only do we want to see you nonstop, but if you’re really that awesome, we want to show you off to everyone we know. Friends, our families, people at parties, etc. This is especially true at the beginning, but as the relationship matures, we still love telling people that you are our girlfriend and introducing you as such.
Can you figure out which one he's dating? My money is on the brunette.
Inadvertently, I may have shed some light on red flags for women. If you see your guy doing the opposite of some of these, run awayyyyyyy! In any case, you know what that means. It’s time to be motherly, make your guy feel appreciated, gain some confidence knowing he cares about you and thinks you’re hot, and know that he wants to see you constantly. Good luck!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What Guys Don't Want in a Woman

Women, you have it rough. It seems as if everyday, the media is blasting you guys with what guys supposedly want. I have either some great news or horrible news*, the media has no freakin’ clue what guys want in a woman. Speaking as a guy, we would love for all of you women out there to stop focusing on becoming these things and actually be what we really want. Let’s break down a few of these myths that the world has given to women about what men want:

1. The Blonde Barbie Doll

Every single commercial and a wide variety of shows and movies have that Blonde Barbie doll character. You know who I mean. She’s essentially a real-life Barbie doll. Blonde, thin, tall with long legs, and she has bigger boobs than she should have. Newsflash: Most guys don’t want this girl. How do I know? First, I am a guy, and I have absolutely no interest in such a girl. Next, I have polled guys throughout the years and most of us don’t want a tall blonde who looks like Barbie. Yet, I hear from countless women how “beautiful” those Barbies are. My question: to who? Wonder why Ken is married to Barbie? I can’t imagine many other guys wanted her. So she is stuck with a man more feminine than her.**

I don't know about you, but "real-life" Barbie doll looks really, really scary to me. If we met in an alley, I would give her all of my money and run.

2. The Rail-Thin Woman
Keira Knightley would be just fine putting on 10-20 pounds.

Why does it seem like every woman on television and/or the movies weighs less than 110 lbs? All of these women are incredibly thin. I feel like if I hug some of these women, they’ll break in my arms from fragility. Most guys appreciate a curvier woman. Your figure shouldn’t be a rail-esque. The irony is, most of these women who go on crash diets are not only torpedoing their health, they’re also making themselves less attractive to men! Freakin’ media.

3. Young and Dumb

She is really awesome. Seriously.

Let’s talk Jersey Shore. It was awesome while it lasted, right? But man, were some of the women, including my secret crush Snooki, dumb. When they went to Italy, she thought she needed Pesos*** to buy stuff. She then proceeded to crash into a police car. It’s like all women have to be dumb to get a guy on television these days. In truth, if all you’re going for is a bed buddy, then hey, pretend to be as dumb as Snooki...but not Deena. If you want a guy who respects you and wants a relationship, intelligence and knowledge is hot. Seriously. When women “dumb themselves down” or do that annoying laugh at a guy’s bad jokes, it’s actually working against them.

4. Accessories and Clothes

At the Oscar’s, everyone always asks about the dresses. Guys couldn’t care less. We see women with fancy purses, clothes, manicures, and pedicures, and once again, guys couldn’t care less. When you chip a nail, we’ll never know. We don’t care. You do all of that stuff to impress your girl friends. Want to guess what guys think of all these fancy mascaras, eyeliners, and all other make-up? Right! We don’t care at all. If your goal is to make Stacy from your biology class jealous, then go for all of these extras, if it’s to get a guy, then your efforts are being wasted.
I don't know whether this a good or bad manicure. All I know is, I don't freakin' care.

So, guys and girls, what did I get right and what did get wrong or forget to add?

* It’s great if you haven’t fallen prey to what the media says we want, and it’s horrible if you have and if you’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours attempting to become that kind of woman. In all likelihood, I imagine what follows is good news for most of you.

** Unnecessarily harsh? Sure. This is not to say some guys don’t want Barbie. Some do. The grand majority don’t. It’s not a cruel joke on behalf of the universe that the majority of girls aren’t Blonde Barbie Dolls. The universe knew what it was doing by putting a bunch of different women out there that guys are actually interested in. It’s the media that doesn’t have a clue.

*** Did she think she was in Mexico or South America? She actually needed Euros...and a new boyfriend, but neither ever happened...sadly.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Worst Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

Why? Why, women, do you do this? You could have any guy in the world you want, you’re incredibly attractive, and then you go out and do this. You go out and get all of your hair cut off. It’s horrible and it’s spreading like an epidemic. It’s a Haircatastrophe, if I can say that, a.k.a. Hairpocalypse 2013. If this continues, it will truly be the end of the world because there will not be any attractive women left! The Mayans did not prepare us for this. Stop the MADNESS! Ban scissors now. What am I talking about? Well let’s dive in to the tragedy that has unfolded:

Emma Watson

Short Hair. Eeeep!
Long hair, yay! And classy, too.

Emma, all of these problems are your fault. You had the world at your fingertips. You were Hermione in Harry FREAKING Potter. You had money, fame, and all that came with it. Unfortunately, one day you took that ill-fated and life-changing trip to the barber and now you look like my 50-year old Aunt or my brother, I’m not sure which. Your greatest legacy, unfortunately, is telling other women through your actions that this is okay to do. It’s not.

Anne Hathaway

Long-haired Anne, incredibly attractive. Makes me want to watch The Princess Diaries again.

Short hair. Once again, Nooooooo!!!

I hope that Academy Award was worth it, because it’ll take you at least a year or more to regain your attractiveness. Secretly, I have long had a crush on Anne Hathaway. As a kid, I admit that I watched The Princess Diaries 1 and 2, and Ella Enchanted, just to see her. If she was in it, I was buying that DVD. Not anymore. The true tragedy in Les Misérables was Anne cutting her hair. I feel so bad for myself and her husband. I may or may not have cried like a baby after hearing and seeing her new doo.

Charlize Theron


A latecomer to the show, but noteworthy nonetheless. Charlize Theron was once so attractive that women were swooning over her. Seriously. Ask anyone who has watched Snow White and The Huntsman* or any of her other big movies. She was hot. Unfortunately, it was not to last. Charlize recently decided to follow in the footsteps of some other actresses and cut her hair. “What can go wrong?” She probably thought. “Now I won’t have to work so hard to maintain it,” she likely heard. Charlize, you had a good run.

2014 UPDATE:

So, I was right and this trend now continues over a year and a half since this was first posted. Here are another couple of examples of women who have joined the club and cut their hair:

Jennifer Lawrence

Much ink has been spilled talking about Jennifer Lawrence's naked pictures that were leaked. Horny teenage boys and men in unsatisfying marriages have spent hours Googling to find those pictures. And no, I have not seen them and I don't plan on looking for them. In any case, this should have been the real story: her haircut. I have heard the story that she wanted to cut it right after The Hunger Games series ended, but still. She should have resisted the urge. It's disappointing, because she seems like a great person with a great personality. Someone who all of us would like to be friends with. I hope she gets through this naked pictures hacking escapade with no emotional damage.

Shailene Woodley

Yes, I like this picture.

Six months ago, she would have been unknown to most of you. She wasn't to me. As someone who may or may not have watched the entire first season of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I noticed when her hair disappeared. After starring in The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, pretty much everyone knows of her now. As a new celebrity, what's the first thing you're supposed to do? To the hair salon! Obviously. Grrs.

Miley Cyrus

In fairness, it was not just the hair that changed here. More like Miley found drugs and she went down a very dark path. While I never thought she was attractive, well, I definitely don't think she's more attractive now. Does anyone?

Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

I didn't honestly know how much hair mattered until I saw the difference pre and post-hair cut for Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting. Oh, I still love Big Bang Theory, but now I don't think Penny is attractive. Sadness. I guess there's always Emily. This epidemic of short haircuts is kind of starting to scare me, though.

Now that you have read these cautionary tales, please pass the word along about Hairpocalypse 2013. Women, if you’re reading this, make sure to stay far away from scissors, hair razors, or anything in the scissors family. Your hotness depends on it.

* Actually, even with her haircut, she still is way more attractive than Kristen Stewart, but that isn’t saying very much. Seriously, why do both of the characters in Twilight want her so much? She’s not that great. They can do much better.

Related Posts:
6 Signs Your Guy Friend is Trying to Get In Your Pants
The Other Aspect of Life a Woman MUST Get Right!
Where Hermione First Appears in a Harry Potter Post

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How Did You Get Here? Heck, How did ANY of us Get Here?

People Google some crazy things. Seriously. Everything from asking why your dog can’t drive a car to why you can’t tickle yourself properly is fair game. Below are some of the more ridiculous and troubling examples of what people have Google searched to get to ARB with commentary:

How to Get a Guy Into Your Pants - Uh...perhaps unzipping them and letting him try them on? I’m guessing the Googler meant that she wants to tell a boy she wants sex. Part of me hopes I answered her question with this post, but another part hopes she is saving herself for marriage.    
Why Do I Like Naked Girls and I am Ten - Holy crap! Where are this kid’s parents? When I was ten, I didn’t even know what a girl was. Learn to Cuddle first, man!

Naked Ladies Trying to Kill Me
- The person who Googled this apparently thought to jump on his computer before calling the police. He landed here, but I am worried because he never Googled again, so the naked ladies might have killed him. Although maybe if he were sexier, they would have fallen in love with him instead?

If a Boy Asks You to Buy a Rose for Him - My advice? Dump him! What’s his problem? Can’t he buy his own freakin’ rose? Does he think he’s the girl?

Nude Rose Pictures from MTV Catfish - Many iterations of this in recent weeks landing people here. My question: why do you want to see naked pictures of her? Seriously. She’s not that great.

Signs My Guy Friend is Into Me - Hint: If you have to Google it, he's into you.

"Meteor Will Strike You" - Was this legitimately a concern for someone? In any case, he actually survived The End of the World and then Googled that’s a problem.

Signs Your Guy Friend Wants Your Body and Not You - There are many signs, but if you catch a guy drooling or ogling you incessantly, assume he’s not sticking around for the conversation.

Signs He Wants in Your Pants
- Is he making repeated sexual references and/or are you wearing extremely revealing clothing?       

What It Means If a Guy Wants to Get in Your Pants
- It means he wants to have sex with you. Now if he wants to get into your panties, THEN you have a dilemma...or a potentially fun sexual fantasy? You decide!

Is Giving a Rose to Someone Cheating - Of course it is. So is giving someone a cupcake, a cookie, or any kind of card. A hug is perfectly acceptable, though. However, if you hold the hug for longer than 4 seconds, you’re still a dirty, rotten, cheater.

"Tickle Me" Ticklish Tickled Tattoos - I have no comment nor words to describe how or why this person got to ARB nor why they were searching for this.

Did anyone else pick up on the pattern? It appears as if every girl out there either wants a guy to get into her pants, or is currently dealing with a guy friend who is attempting such a feat. Sounds like it sucks to be a girl.

No, I have no idea what this picture has to do with this post, either.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Texting Etiquette Bible

That’s right, the Jew is writing a Bible. This rendition is arguably more important than the actual one, although I can’t actually say that. Texting has replaced calling, communicating, and feelings as of 2013. That’s not a bad thing because texting is awesome. Unfortunately, there is a right and a wrong way to text a companion. An issue as important as this requires a handy, dandy list:                   

1. Imagine You are Texting Your Grandmother

Whenever you send a text, and especially a sext, always think of the recipient being your Grandmother. Women, for whatever reason, you all love to send us pictures of body parts we don’t actually want to see. Don’t do it. Fight the urge to send a picture of your vagina to your crush! You might think you have the world’s sexiest vagina, but trust us, you don’t. What you’re doing/sending is creepy.* Although it is worth noting that the FBI says all of their employees do it, so whatever.

Guess what someone just sent her in an email...

2. Use Complete Sentences

Try this. Instead of sending acronyms and chopped up speech for your texts, use complete sentences, grammar, and punctuation when you are texting. This sends all of the right messages. You are a mature individual who has his/her life together. You will be astounded by how people react to this. Don't be surprised if they start texting you back in a similar way and watch the depth of your textversations grow. Instead of being littered with "lol's," "smh's," and the like, there will be actual, coherent sentences.

3. Throw it Right Back in their Face

Oh no they didn’t! The person you’re texting sent you a one-word response or didn’t reply to you in a timely manner? It’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine. Send them a one-word response or take twice as long to respond to them. If they wait 10 minutes to reply, you wait 20. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex, they’ll say to themselves, “uh oh, is he/she texting someone else? I must have them for myself!” If you’re absolutely enraged, send them a smiley-face that is angry. Nothing says you mean business like a pissed off face. Try any of the following: >=( or  :O or -_- 

4. The Last Text Rule

The most important rule in texting. If the other person does not text you back, the conversation is over. I don’t care what you told them. If you texted that you’re about to jump off a bridge because you’re unbelievably depressed and they don’t text you back, the textversation has ended. They obviously don’t care about you or your bridge jumping. If they don’t text you back, it’s over. No one should ever send two texts in a row. Ever. The only person who texts twice in a row does so because his/her mother doesn’t love them and his/her only friends are the stray cats and rogue pigeons they feed.

* How do I know guys are the better sex? They would never be caught sending pictures of their junk to a girl they like. Meanwhile, women can’t help but send men they are trying to attract pictures of their vaginas.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

How to Buy Condoms the Right Way

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read the following unless you are at least 18 years of age. Thank you.

It is arguably the most awkward proposition in the world. You’re a guy and you need to buy a box of condoms. The first time I purchased condoms*, I was unbelievably paranoid that someone would catch me and then turn around and tell all of my friends about my whereabouts. Pretty soon, I would be the laughingstock of the town, people would go around saying “you’ll never guess who just bought condoms, JOSH! Let's make fun of him for the rest of eternity! BWA HA HA HA!” To prevent this, I drove 40 minutes away and kept the car running for a quick getaway.** I was such a B.A. Nowadays, I have discovered there are better ways to purchase condoms:
All I could think about when looking at this picture is "I wonder how much all of these would cost." And "Ask for assistance? Uh...awkward."
1. Grab the Box and Walk Like a Man

Some guys grab the box from the shelf and then walk as quickly as they can to the cash register. But not you. Oh no. If you want to be a real man, you must grab the box and as you walk to the register, hold the box up high for all to see. Everyone in the store will know that you are about to have a rip-roaring good time. Make sure to take slow, deliberate steps for effect. Make sure to wink, smile, and wave at the people as you pass by with your condoms.

2. Slam the Box Down

Make sure you throw that box down with authority when you reach the register. Why? Because then the cashier knows you mean business. Throw in a sound effect such as “BOOOOM!” if you like, but that’s a tad excessive. I don’t care if this backfires royally and the condom box bounces off the cashier’s belt and hits someone in the face, you will have proven your point.

3. Cashier Conversation is Key

You have reached the cashier. It’s time to make conversation. You have no time to waste. You have one item and a ton of words and phrases to get in. Be prepared from the time he/she says “hi.” Some phrases you can use: “I always go with Magnums, you know, ‘cause I need a gigantic condom,” “Yeah, I had to get the 36-pack because I have a LOT of sex. And I mean a ton,” “I got the multi-color because my little warrior likes to dress up, too. The purple is Beverley’s*** favorite.”

4. Use a Coupon

Prolong the transaction and the awkwardness some more? Yes, please! Make sure to go to this link or a similar one for a coupon. It’s always a good time to save money.

If you do all of the above, I promise you that the store you bought condoms from, especially if it’s a place such as Target, will never forget you.

* Years ago before the wheel was invented and people made soup out of boulders, of course.

** I was so nervous, the box of condoms slipped out of my hand and nearly hit the cashier. She was not happy. Luckily, since I was in another county, she would never know my true identity.

*** That’s right, he’s not talking about his girlfriend. He actually named his dick Beverley. True story.

Please do not try this stuff at home nor anywhere. Thank you.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

4 Steps to Get Someone to Cheat on Their Lover

You are a horrible person. How do I know? You just clicked on and/or searched out a link that promises to teach you how to get someone to cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend.* There are any number of reasons why you want to end the hopes and dreams of a couple. It could be that you’re pure evil. Maybe you like smashing ice cream cones out of the hands of children. Perhaps you go around making babies cry for fun. Oh, maybe there are legitimate reasons. The couple you’re breaking up could be too annoying for their own good or maybe they’re the ugliest couple you’ve ever seen. Point is, it’s time to break up a happy couple and make them cry**:

1. Tempt Them Sexually

Women: You’re hot, right? You have some clothes that show off your assets and if you don’t have any assets, you’ve been shopping at Victoria’s Secret. The point you’re trying to get across is that you’re hotter than that chick he’s hanging around with. You can do things she can only dream of. Show him.

Guys: Unfortunately, the answer here isn’t to wear the tightest pants and skip out on the underwear for dramatic effect. Women don’t work that way. You have to show her you can fulfill her emotional needs. Save a kitten from a burning building. Mend the broken wing of a bird. Swim with a dolphin shirtless. You get it.

2. Flirt With Them Mercilessly

Women: Tell him how cute whatever he’s wearing makes him look. Get him into a playful mood so you can playfully punch him in the arm. Pretty soon, you guys are really going at it and he has no idea what his girlfriend’s name is anymore. All he can think about is if you’re this fun in bed.

Guys: Your job is to be playful and lighten the mood. Read the women’s section. You want to get her to flirt back with you. If she playfully hits you, it’s game on! Hopefully, like all intelligent men, you are packing a soft pillow that you always use to start pillow fights with women. Way to be prepared!
Why are they staring at a blank wall? In any case, poor girl with the hat.
3. Find an Opening

This person you’re trying to lure in is unhappy with their relationship, at least in part. When you hear something they’re mad about, such as a lack of compassion, not enough sex, or really anything, make sure to chime in with phrases such as “I’d never do that to you” or “Wow! He/She really sucks! Tell me more.”

4. The Final Nail

Women: Good work. You have used your feminine wiles to suck him in and you’ve got him thinking about you all the time. Now all you have to do is close the deal. Catch him at a time when you’re particularly on your game and you guys are connecting. Twirl your hair, act coy, and mention that you’re free on Friday and would love to hang sometime. Congratulations, you’ll have reeled in a guy!

Guys: When you and her are really in the zone, find out something she wants to do and thenask her if she wants to go do it with you. Are you going there are friends? Lovers? It’s anyone’s guess, but you can be sure Mr. Sucky Boyfriend will not be happy that you are spending time with his girl. Make sure to charm her and you’re in.

I would say the above advice is far better than what I got as a youth. Guys apparently suck at giving advice. I must have heard “show her your penis” and “just bang her already, dude.” A hundred times even when I was asking for advice on where I should go to eat dinner. Let me know!

* I’m not judging you or anything, because heck, I’m the one writing this, but still, you’re theoretically being kind of shady. I hope you aren’t planning on using these on MY relationship. It goes without saying, but The Perfect Woman nor The Perfect Man will cheat on their significant other.

** One caveat here. Well, there are tons of caveats, but this one is important: Trying to break up a happy couple won’t work out for you. If they are both drooling over each other, literally and figuratively, good luck. They’re staying together. Move onto someone different.

It goes without saying that I do not recommend actually getting someone to cheat nor cheating yourself. If you take the above advice literally, be prepared to suffer emotional and physical pain, probably at the hands of one or both halves of the couple.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Horror Movies Make No Sense - Guest Post

Josh's Note: This is ARB's first ever guest post. To warn you, this girl swears...a lot. You have been warned.

Some say if you have seen one horror movie, you have seen them all. Valid argument, but not quite true. Some horror movies have a serial killer running around hacking people to death with butcher knives, while others have supernatural ghosts haunting not so innocent people. Yes, by the end everyone is dead either way, but you know they are still different. But no matter what kind of horror movie it is, they all still have the same reoccurring themes that make no sense. And when I say no sense, I mean like I seriously don’t know who thought of some of this shit. Let’s just dive in, shall we?

There’s always that one black guy…

I am in no way trying to sound racist here, but has anyone else noticed that there is always that single black guy hanging out with a group of all white people. You don’t see one Asian guy or girl or one Hispanic guy or girl hanging out with all white people. No it is always one black person. Think about it. Texas Chainsaw 3D, Shark Night, Friday the 13th remake, Scream 2, the list goes on. And they always find themselves dieing pretty close to the beginning as well. I mean come on Hollywood. Let switch things up a bit and have a white guy hang out with all black people, and then kill him off first. I’m sure it would be a flop in the box office, but I would go spend $9.50 to see that.

Someone always falls down while being chased.

The killer is chasing after their helpless victim. The victim, typically a girl, has a mile on them and then what does she do? She eats concrete. Meaning she has a dramatic fall, that takes her a good two minutes to get up from. Why does it take her so long? Because she usually lays there, cries, and watches as her killer comes closer and closer. Then when he is arm length away she finally realizes, “Hey maybe I should get up now and I don’t know, haul ass?” This has been used in every horror movie known to man. I would name off some movies but we would be here all night.

When in doubt, make sure to screw up one leg as much as possible.

Ever noticed how somehow the main character always does something to their leg to make it almost impossible to run? Yeah, I’ve noticed it too. The main character gets the upper hand on the killer and knocks them out for a few minutes. During the time the killer is knocked out, and until they come to, our main character has somehow managed to mangle their leg beyond repair. Maybe they cut it on glass as they tried to escape out a window. Maybe they twisted it running down a hill. No matter what the case may be, they have managed to personally handicap themselves.

The girls don’t feel it necessary to wear clothes.

I don’t think I have seen any horror movies lately with a serial killer involved, that hasn’t had the girls in it partially to almost completely undressed. Somehow if you are in a horror movie it is now socially acceptable to wear pretty much nothing. We all know what I am talking about. They are usually wandering around in a shirt that shows well, everything. And shorts so short you may as well just be wearing underwear. Actually the underwear may cover more then the shorts do. I especially love where if they are wearing some clothes, when they are running, their clothes magically get torn and ripped off. Last time I checked, when I go running at the gym, my clothes don’t just rip off. Sucks, I know. If only.

Girls just can’t stop having sex.

No matter where they are, if they are in the middle of the woods, in an abandoned house, in a creepy hotel, we girls just can’t help but have sex. It makes no sense. Like last time I checked, if my friends mysteriously disappeared one by one I wouldn’t turn to my boyfriend and say, “You know what? Let’s just have sex, right here, right now.” It would be more like, “Here’s an idea, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Like there is a time and a place for that, and I’m sorry but that is not the time do be getting it on.
You've got to be kidding me. A horror movie where the girl is half naked? Cool. 'Cause That's never been done before.
Ring ring, you answer the phone and you hear nothing but breathing on the other end. Who do you think that is?

This mostly applies to movies like the Scream franchise, but other movies have done this as well. You always have a girl home alone get an anonymous phone call from someone. They either don’t talk to you at first, or immediatly start terrorizing you on the phone. Saying they have your boyfriend, or they're in the house, yadayadayada. And the girl, being stupid, because we girls are always morons in these movies, plays along, and/or doesn't have the common sense to hang up and call the police. And I know some of you are going to say, "but when they try to the phone line has already been cut." My answer to that is we all have cell phones, we live in the 21st century. There is no excuse that your dumbass can’t get ahold of the cops somehow.

And my all time favorite, If you hear a noise, how about you go investigate it.

You are home alone in the house. You hear a bang from upstairs. Here’s an idea, let’s go check it out! Because that makes a boat load of sense. Real talk here, what do you think it was? Like oh, if I go upstairs, turn no lights on while I am doing this by the way, I will find a rational explanation to the bang I heard. Yeah… good luck with that. Because that always ends well. Here is an idea, you instead walk out the front door and get the hell out of there.

After all the horror movies make us women look to dumb and whorey to function, we always typically are the sole survivors in the massacres. How? I have no fucking idea.
No elaboration needed.

So, hopefully this gave you a little inside view on one of my favorite movie genres, and the things that just do not add up and make very little to no sense at all in them. So, go watch some Halloween, or Scream and see for yourselves why this genre just makes no fucking sense.

See the original post here:

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Live Tweeting a First Date - Girl Edition

This is Ashley. Ashley is live tweeting her first date.

6:00 pm: Can’t wait for date. #SoExcited
6:30 pm: I started the date like this. #NuffSaid

7:04 pm: He just rolled up. #IsThatAMinivan

7:17 pm: He met my parents. #MomHatesHim #DadHatesHim #DogTriedToBiteHim

7:18 pm: Off to a good start.
7:43 pm: Want cheeseburger at restaurant. Got salad. #Don’tWantSalad
7:47 pm: He asked me how my food was, I told him it was fine. #IStillHateSalad
8:14 pm: Just walked into theater, he didn’t even ask if I wanted anything. #IWantMyEffingPopcorn
8:21 pm: Watching Die Hard. Can’t stop reloading my newsfeed.
8:32 pm: Bitch just told me to put my phone away. #Inconsiderate

8:43 pm: Bitch said she’s going to kill me if I don’t put phone away. Bye lovelies!<3:)

10:16 pm: I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

10:29 pm: It’s been real, but honestly, he’s not getting my golden ticket.

11:00 pm: But OMG. Best Date Everrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift List

So, some blog author may or may not have promised everyone out there a list of gifts to give your significant other on Valentine’s Day.* Unlike some of my other promises, this one I’m actually going to keep. This list is by no means perfect, but it’s better than every other list out there. So I’d recommend soaking it all up and giving one of these gifts to your lover. For whatever reason, it is assumed that guys must get the girl a gift and the girl is just supposed to sit there and look pretty and say things like “oh my gosh” and “oh snicker-doodle, this gift is great.” Thus, this list will be a bit heavy on gifts a guy can get for his girlfriend.

Before I begin, two points. First, if you don’t actually like the person you’re with, do not wait until after Valentine’s Day to break up with them. People seem to believe that waiting to break up with someone who makes you miserable is the polite thing to do. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Do it now. Heck, stop reading this, go break up with the person who makes you cry, then come back and read this together with your newer, better, significant other. Second, the question of how much to spend comes up a lot, so I like to follow this template to determine how much needs to be spent on a gift:

If you aren’t dating and/or you’re only dating in your head: $0.
If you are planning to break up with him/her on February 15th: $0.
Only been dating for two weeks or less: $5 maximum.
Dating for four weeks or less: $10 maximum.
In a Relationship and dating longer than two months: $25 maximum.

Obviously, underline the word “maximum.” The goal isn’t to spend a ton of money on him/her, it’s to spend the least amount possible.** Anyway, onto the list:

- A stuffed animal, ideally a dog, cat, bear, or pig. Maybe a zebra if you’re feeling risky.
- A box of chocolates*** or some flowers she likes.****
- A gift card for a spa or a nail salon.
- Something from one of your first dates or a special memory. Like a picture, ticket stub, etc.
- Dinner or lunch at a place your lover enjoys.
- A cake or some other baked good. Although see footnote two. He/She won’t share.
- Take them back to where you met and reminisce.
- Cook your date a meal and pamper them.
- A book or Blu-Ray they’ve had their eye on. Probably a Blu-Ray since I’m the only one who reads anymore.
- Some clothes you believe they’d look good in. Make sure to secretly raid their closet for their sizes.
- Head to some place with nice scenery, ideally somewhere you’ve never been together, lay back and talk.
- Buy your significant other concert, sports, play or any other event tickets they’ve had their eye on.
- Buy some cologne or perfume that you believe would smell good on them.
- Get some massage oil and give them a personal massage...if that’s your thing and you don’t suck as much at massages as I do.        
- Some sexy lingerie or boxers you want to see them in...for a few minutes.

Or you could get your lover this picture in the form of a poster. The goal is to make your lover feel awesome, obviously.
So there you have it. A bunch of gift ideas that will make your lover even more attracted to you. And why is that? Because your gift is meaningful and not something extremely expensive that shows you put no thought into it. Feel free to keep some time open for after dinner, if you know what I mean. Hopefully you are spending this Valentine's Day with your vision of The Perfect Woman or The Perfect Man. Have fun out there!

* When I say “significant other,” I don’t mean the girl you’ve been crushing on for the past two years nor the girl your best friend is dating. I mean someone you are in a committed relationship with. If you’re only dating him/her in your head, no gift. Possibly a psychologist, but definitely not a gift.

** Relax, everyone! This is a basic guideline but feel free to spend more. The point I am trying to make is this: it is not about how much you spent but about what your gift means. If you’re trying to buy their affection with money, well, you deserve everything you don’t get. It’s better to spend less on something meaningful than spend $100 or more on a gift you put no thought into. No one enjoys feeling like they were “bought,” especially not women.

*** The most common, but also the riskiest gifts. She is going to eat all of the chocolates and not share any. That’s bad. You wanted some of those, too.

**** The flowers, well, who wants flowers? All they do is look nice for a day and then die a slow and painful death. Do you want the flowers to be a metaphor for your relationship? Yeah, I’d stay away. Alright, alright, I’m joking. Find out what flowers she wants and then get those. Don’t go rogue and buy anything. There is a big difference between a rose and an orchid, for instance. Some women love a few types of flowers and the rest do not impress them. Find out which ones!
Some of you who pay extra special attention to detail will note that we have had this discussion of flowers before on: First Date Tips.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

So You Want to Catfish

WARNING: What you are about to read is not advised. Please do not attempt now nor ever. Thank you.
NOTE: For those of you who have arrived here looking for Rose from Catfish's Facebook, know that, according to what I have researched, it has been taken down. However, here is Kari Ann's official Facebook page:

I have a confession to make. This will be the first time I have publicly admitted this, but here goes nothing: I was in a Catfish relationship.* Before anyone jumps to any crazy conclusions, please scroll down to the footnote as it will explain almost everything. In any case, getting into one of these Catfish** relationships seems to be all the rage these days. Seeing as how I have personal experience and have been watching the television show and the current Manti Te’o saga perhaps too closely, I had to snap into action. It is time you, yes, you, got into an online relationship with someone you’ve never met:
Fun fact: She is not actually real. Well, she is, but she isn't. She's real, but she is also imaginary.
1. Pick Your Gender

That’s right, folks, you can be anyone you want to be on the internet. Guys, ever wanted to know what it’s like to be a really hot girl? Now you can find out. Girls, we know you’ve wanted to know why guys are so awesome. Being a girl for a day would, in theory, probably be fun.

2. Select Your Photos/Personality

In real life, you have flaws. We are aiming for an internet relationship here, so your real-life, inadequate self won’t cut it. On the internet, everyone is perfect. Pick some really great pictures and post them onto whatever site you’re using. Look around and find some great pictures. Maybe you’ve always wished you could be your best friend. Bingo! Now you can be. Your online character’s personality should, ideally, match up with what you think the pictures signify. Keep in mind, when the conversation heads to the phone, you have to be able to keep everything together. Or, you could be awesome, and use pictures of a school teacher but craft a personality like a rapper.

3. Find Your Target

So, you’ve set up your fake Facebook, Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, or some other profile and you’re raring to go. Unfortunately, it takes two to virtually tango. Building the greatest profile in the world doesn’t mean zilch if it doesn’t attract anyone online. Your target should be another profile who looks equally perfect. Why? They’re probably misrepresenting themselves, too. You know it will lead to a crazy ending where both of you are hiding your real identities like none other to keep up the hoax but it all comes crashing down. Picking a normal, average person wouldn’t make for much fun later.

4. Cover Your Tracks

If this person is sane, they’re going to want to talk to you on the phone, chat with you on a webcam, or, heaven forbid, meet you in person in due course. Your job is to stay one step ahead. When they want to talk to you on the phone, be prepared to be in character. When they want to see you on a site like Skype, claim you don’t have one or yours doesn’t work. If they want to meet in person, keep pushing it back and coming up with excuses. You’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and you have to count your money. You remembered that you’re giving up meeting strange people on the internet for Lent***, but you’ll catch them after that. Be original and be evasive. You might be able to keep this up for a while.

5. When It Blows Up

Virtually all of these relationships come to a horrible, cry-inducing, ending. Much like Cuddle Buddies, these relationships don’t have a long shelf life. How would you like to keep up this act for the rest of your life? Sounds exhausting. Heck, I’m exhausted just writing about it. And eventually, you’ll probably realize that you’re really causing some serious emotional damage to the person on the other end. That is, if they’re not lying their pretend panties off just like you are. Seriously, you’re probably talking to a 45-year old man wearing only a robe in his Mother’s basement pretending to be a 19-year old model anyway. In any case, prepare for this ending and don’t get too emotionally attached.

Do any of you guys have Catfish stories involving you in an online relationship? Good luck to any and all who venture into the realm of Catfishing!

* So, you want to know the dirty details, do you? Very well. I was 13-years old and I got into an online relationship with a girl who seemed nice enough who I met through a mutual friend. It seemed completely legitimate. We talked a lot via Instant Message and on the phone several times. This was before webcams were in vogue. On the other end, I imagined a small, nerdy girl with glasses. When I finally got her picture, she was absolutely nothing like what I expected. It lasted four months...which is very different than 4 years, but still.

** For those of you who have been hiding under a rock and only come out of hiding to read this blog. A Catfish is based on a movie and now an MTV television show. It involves two people and the host and they dive into various online relationships where the two people have never met and try to determine if they have both been truthful with their identities. Spoiler alert: pretty much everyone on the internet is lying about something.

*** Honestly, as a Jew, I have no idea what Lent is. I vaguely know what it’s about, but I thought it would be fun to use a term that I don’t know the meaning to and see what happens. Hopefully I don’t insult anyone.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Harry Potter Movies Enrage Me

Back in the day, before television was invented and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was a teenager. As a teenager, I was absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter. I would stay up all day and all night when a new book came out. I barely came out to eat. Seeing as how I weighed more than quite a few NFL players at the time, that was quite an accomplishment. I could not wait for the movies to come out so I could finally see the Harry Potter universe instead of imagining it. And then they had to go and piss me off. Even as I write this, I am restraining myself from not pounding my keyboard into dust.* Below are some of the more egregious cases of how the Harry Potter movies went wrong:

The Goblet of Fire (4th movie)

Yes! Now the action starts. There will finally be legitimate fighting and someone actually dies, unlike the first three movies where no one of value dies. There’s no way they can screw this up. Wrong! Wrong. Wrong. It all starts at the Yule Ball. For some inexplicable reason, Hermione’s dress makes her boobs the pointiest objects I have ever seen. I am only slightly exaggerating. Seriously, don’t get too close. Her boobs might poke your eye out.** It’s like they put knives in her bra or something. Then, to make matters worse, the script called for Hermione to start, out of completely nowhere, start screaming at Harry and Ron to go to bed. What kind of sense does that make? Who does she think she is, their pointy-boobed Mother? In unrelated news, why exactly is Bartemius Crouch screaming like a caged animal in the flashback scene. Gee, I wonder if he worked for Voldemort after that. Because everyone who is innocent does that and screams “Yaaaaaa!" at absolutely everything.
Sure, maybe I exaggerate a little, but seriously, pointy is not what they should have been going for.
The Order of the Phoenix (5th movie)

In this, the fifth installment, the script and the director really screwed the pooch. Apparently, in Harry Potter logic, if you just so happen to be evil, you can become black smoke and fly anywhere you want. You don’t need a broom. All you need is to be evil. While you are in this smoke form, you can do anything and everything you want. Destroy stuff. Kill people. Be generally scary. You name it. I have no idea why this is and I’m pretty sure no one else does, either. And don’t get me started on the fireworks scene. Yep, that will teach old Dolores Umbridge a lesson. Random fireworks! I can feel the vengeance. If I was perpetrating evil against a school, my greatest fear would be a fireworks display. Fun fact: random fireworks displays actually work better at stopping evil-doing than taking the criminals to jail.

The Half-Blood Prince (6th movie)

First of all, geez, was there enough making out in this movie? I felt like I was watching a Twilight sex scene for part of it. Perhaps the director got bored of that whole Hogwarts thing and was sick of all of the Voldemort vs. Harry stuff and wanted to make it into an episode of MTV’s The Real World? The scene where Hermione sends all of those birds to attack Ron Weasley is what I imagine Ronnie and Sammie would do to each other in the third season of Jersey Shore.*** What was up with the scene where Bellatrix Lestrange burns down the Weasley’s house? That didn’t actually happen in the book. Where exactly are the Weasley’s supposed to live? The movie never tells us. Also, good move not showing Dumbledore’s funeral. Whatever, he probably wasn’t important enough to deserve a funeral, anyway.

I think that’s enough Harry Potter bashing for today. The first couple of movies, aside from a minor flaw or two****, were actually pretty good. The last two movies, although too short for my taste, actually have grown on me. For those of you who have absolutely no idea what Harry Potter is, then I hope you are imprisoned forever in Azkaban and that the dementors have their way with you! Unfortunately, if you don't know Harry Potter, you'll have no idea what that last sentence was supposed to imply. Sadness.

* Some of you might be surprised that I know how to exhibit anger, but yes, it may have been a while, but I still remember how to do it. I can turn into The Hulk at a moment’s notice. I could say you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, but you probably would. I’m a bundle of joy when I’m yelling and screaming...or so I’ve heard.

** Oh come on, don’t tell me you weren’t paying attention. It was impossible to look away.

*** Can you imagine it? “I am so sick of this, Ron! What you did in Miami was such a sucky thing to do.” Instead of throwing her bed onto the porch, Ronnie unleashes the wrath of the birds on Sammie. Meanwhile, he calls his ex for comfort.

**** In the first movie, I was looking forward to the potions scene at the end where the right combination of potion needs to be drunk in order to advance. I could not wait to see it. It was, by far, my favorite scene in the book. Then I found out they left it out. Thanks for destroying the dreams of a 10-year old, Chris Columbus. I ate an entire cake afterwards because I was so sad. Aside from that, though, the first two movies really mirrored the book extraordinarily well, so I will overlook this one flaw.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The One Thing Women Suck At

Let me first start by saying this is a high-quality problem to have. You’re hot and you have a bangin’ personality and guys want you. However, speaking on behalf of all men, we would like to say there’s one thing you women do that really gets to us. You have no idea how to reject guys. All you do is leave a wake of broken hearts and puppy dog eyes in your wake. You’re better off doing the Jenna Marbles face instead of the crappy lines you use. Below, I will be using some common phrases you women use and explain why they are about as effective as trying to eat soup with a knife. Finally, I’ll hit you with a foolproof method of rejecting us properly.
The bad acting is admittedly a problem, but this is probably a better way to reject a guy than any of the phrases below.

“I’m not ready for a relationship because of *insert random excuse here*”

Actually, yes you are, you just aren’t ready for one with us. Nor will you be in this lifetime. Nor the next lifetime. Unfortunately, this is an atrocious way to reject a guy. All that will do is make us look at you like a sick puppy. We actually need to care for and love you more so you’ll get over this problem of yours. Look, we have nothing better to do other than wait around for you to be ready to love us. We’ll wait you out. We have unlimited love to give.

“You’re Like a Brother To me”

If you use this line, I hope someone ties your pigtails together. You’d think this one would shoo us away for good, right? Who wants to kiss their brother? That’s what you’re thinking. Guys are thinking, “cool, who are you closer to than your brother? She must feel really close to me and like she can tell me anything.” Wait, wasn’t that exactly the opposite of what you were trying to get at? Oops.

“Let’s Be Friends”

You do not want to be friends with this guy. You’d rather be friends with that girl who is calling you fat behind your back. Why are you leading him on? What are guys thinking when you use this? “Women always say they want to be friends with a guy before getting into a relationship with him. Cool! I’m halfway there!” All he has to do now is wait for you to fall in love with him, you guys will kiss, and have 12 kids. Expect for him to turn on the charm now. Everything you saw before was just practice.

“I like you, you’re such a great guy, but...”

I know you read Cosmopolitan magazine and it says to go for the compliment sandwich*, but don’t do it.** We’re only listening to the first part and we hear all of these compliments, which means the door is still open to getting in your pants*** If this guy is so great, why aren’t you kissing him and holding his hand? Forget the compliments. You don’t actually like this guy. Tell it to him like it is. How about: “some other girl will love you, ‘cause I sure don’t and never will.” Jackpot.

“I’m busy that day, text me later.”

It’s the old classic of pretending you actually have stuff to do. You don’t. All you’re doing is scrolling up and down your Facebook News Feed for hours. What guys hear is “oh, she’s busy that day, but she wants to get together, which is why she told me to text her later. I will keep asking her to hang out until I find a day she is free.” Poor guy. You’re giving him false hope. Women, do you see what you’re doing to this poor, fictitious guy? You’re killing his dreams of dating you. He was looking forward to taking you home to his Mother but he’ll never get the chance. He thinks your schedule will actually open up sometime in the next year.

Alright, so we’ve delved into all of the horrible ways women can reject a guy, none of which actually work. So what is the correct way to do it? Here it is: tell him you don’t like him in that way and don’t have those kinds of feelings for him and then fill in with whatever you want. Do not give this guy false hope, just tell him the way it is. I cannot tell you how many guys still think they have a chance with a girl who rejected them months or even years earlier. In the end, bluntly telling him you’re not interested is your best bet. Anything else means you’re a wuss.

* Compliment Sandwich: When you want to change something your man does, compliment him, then tell him what he needs to change, then compliment him again. Thus, it creates a word sandwich. Genius, right?

** It also is filled with way more sex secrets than you’ll ever need and fun quizzes to see what you want in your dream guy. Not that I would know...

*** Or, if you’re like me, you want to get together so you guys can be Cuddle Buddies. Having a cuddle buddy is arguably the best relationship in the world...or so I hear.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A Naked Girl Tried to Kill Me at 2:00 am a.k.a. My First Chain E-Mail

Do all of you guys remember chain emails? You know, those emails from people you didn’t actually like who would send you stuff like “if you do not forward this to 10 people, a meteor will strike you and your future spouse will marry someone else.” Well, imagine a 12-year old version of me reading one of those for the first time and that is the backdrop for this story. I was so cute back then. I have no idea what happened, either.

See! Those chain emails have consequences. Those of us who don't have 10 friends and barely have four are screwed.

It was a normal day and I had finally figured out how to access the internet. I went to check my email, and what was waiting for me that day would change the very fate of my entire life. I opened the message and read: “If you forward this to 10 people, you will win $1 million. If you don’t, a naked girl will come to your room and kill you at 2:00 am.” I sat there in shock for a moment and then I jumped in excitement.

SCORE! A real, live, girl. And she was going to be naked, too. All the work would be done for me. I was jubilant. I was 12-years old and I had no idea what a girl even smelled like. Heck, I didn’t even know what kissing or sex even was at that point.* I had to spend an entire day preparing for the arrival of this girl. I prepared absolutely everything.

I opened my window so she would have an easier time getting in. I grabbed some s’mores, chips, and various other food and drink items so we would have something to eat.** I was a bit concerned about that whole “killing me” deal, but I figured my sparkling personality and excellent cuddling skills would prevail and she would fall in love. Just in case, I also grabbed some rope and a shovel in case she got feisty.*** I got into bed and waited. And waited. And waited.

At 2:05 I was slightly worried. At 2:10 I was concerned. And at 2:15, I knew she wasn’t coming. I cried like a 240-pound**** baby. The rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. This female assailant didn’t even think I was good enough to kill. She was probably off murdering much better looking kids. Sadness. I cried myself to sleep that night. I would never trust chain mail again, because even when you don’t do everything they say, the naked girl never actually comes.

And so ends a random story from my childhood. You guys said you wanted to know more about me, and there you go. The story has a happy ending, I guess. Later in life, I realized that one should not have to depend on naked girls crashing through windows to kill me to get a date. There are, surprisingly, easier ways. Whodathunkit?

* Alright, alright, so I wasn’t that innocent. I did know what kissing was, but I still was a sucker for the Stork Story where all newborns were carried by very awkward birds and brought to new parents.

** Admittedly, since I was a fat kid who couldn’t help himself, I ate absolutely everything by 11:00 pm, but my heart was in the right place.

*** Look, I was only going to tie her up so she wouldn’t kill me. When we had talked enough and I could trust her, I was going to let her go.

**** Probably 245-pounds after all of that food I had eaten. My parents were not happy the next day to discover that I had essentially eaten them out of house and home.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get Into Your Pants

LEGAL NOTE: If you are not at least 18-years old, please do not read what follows click the Red "X" now! Thank you in advance.

The Worse Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

We are about to figuratively blow the lid off of a topic some women have wondered about for years. You may have some sneaking suspicions about one or more of your guy friends. You think he may just want to get to know you a little better, but you’re not positive. And when I say "a little better," I mean he wants to have Fifty Shades of Grey style sex with you, in case I wasn't clear.* t cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from women “I am so bad at this dating stuff, I never know when a guy likes me!.” Well, wonder no more, because the answers are mere seconds away. Let’s cut this introduction short and jump right in:

A hug from behind? And these two are supposedly "friends?" What is the world coming to? He wants you! Also, is it just me, or does that guy look like Toby from Pretty Little Liars?

1. You’ve Been Friends For a Long Time

By the way, “long time” is defined as more than a couple of months. I know I am breaking Guy Code here, but what I am about to say is the truth. If you’re “friends” with a guy, especially for some amount of time, he has thought about the possibility of you and him, well, you know. We can’t help feeling this way, it’s just how it is. We’re the victims of our feelings, really. This doesn’t necessarily mean we would act on any feelings, but know that the feelings exist.

2. The “What Would He Do If...” Test

WARNING: Once you know his one and use it, you'll never be the same again.
Imagine yourself entering his bedroom with few or no clothes, looking him right in the eye and saying “take me.” If, in your fantasy, he would oblige, then he wants you. If he would say something else, then he has no feelings for you. Most women, when they think about it, will probably be surprised with the conclusions they come to.

If your guy "friend" is guilty of any of these, he may want you to take the place of the woman in the picture above. See my note below on Fifty Shades of Grey for why you would probably enjoy it.
3. He’s Jealous

This is a bit of a sneaky trick, but man, is it effective. Casually mention a guy you think might be a good fit for you and see how he reacts. If he seems to have a strong visceral reaction against the aforementioned gentleman, he probably is into you. To be sure, mention another guy or two in the next week and see what he does. What you’re looking for is a trend. If he shoots down every potential suitor, he is more than interested.**

4. Sex Has Come Up

This is another dead giveaway. If you guys have casually spoken about sex, then there is a very good chance he would like to be more than a friend to you. The deeper the conversation gets, the more likely it is he wants you. Guys generally aren’t comfortable talking about deep sexual stuff with just any woman. It has to be the right woman. If this is happening, then the “right” woman is you!***

5. He Has Complimented You

I don’t mean he’s complimented your intelligence or personality, I mean either a body part or something you’ve worn. If he says the skirt you’re wearing looks nice, it means he is really paying attention. Why? Because he’s into you. If he says you have great legs or are generally sexy, then it’s a good bet he has thought about you sexually. Trust me on this one. Actually, if he compliments you at all, you should at least be suspicious that he wants you. Guys don't tend to compliment women they aren't attracted to.

6. Flirting

This might be the strongest indicator, but also the one that goes unnoticed most often. If he is flirting with you in any way, then he is probably into you. What I mean is, does he tickle you or crack jokes that he wouldn’t crack around other people? Maybe you guys are very touchy-feely when you’re together. If you notice any kind of flirting on his end, that is a strong indicator that there is a purpose behind it.

Man, do I feel bad about myself after this post. I feel like I have shed light on a few things that perhaps were better off left shrouded in darkness. I can feel myself being excommunicated from the male community as we speak. I hope it was worth it!

* And women, I have done enough asking around to know that way more of you are into the Fifty Shades of Grey stuff than anyone could have ever imagined. Apparently getting handcuffed, spanked, and giving over complete control to a guy is irresistibly sexy. Who knew? If you are still on the fence if you like this stuff or not and you're a female, you haven't been with the right guy yet, trust me.

** Some of you may be wondering, “well, couldn’t he pretend he doesn’t care when he’s actually dying on the inside?” It’s possible, no doubt, but come on, how many guys know how to scheme and deceive that well? Not many.

*** Yes, for those of you who read the Cuddle Buddies post last week, you now see why it’s so hard to keep those things platonic. Guys don’t spill their guts to anyone, they usually reserve that stuff for someone special.

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