|Sounds a lot more like "You can't, you can't, you definitely can never do that..."|
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Sometimes, I get really frustrated by all of these workplace rules. I completely understand some of them, but others, well, I don’t know. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. One moron decides to write something obscene on the walls in permanent marker, and pretty soon, all Sharpies are banned from the building. The following are a list of activities forbidden at my workplace that I am fervently against for a wide variety of reasons. I may or may not have partaken in these activities, I will never actually admit to any of them, however:
- Placing new employees into trash receptacles and rolling them down small hills.*
- Public displays of affection with guests or employees. PDA includes: Licking, biting, kissing, and “heavy petting.”**
- Cuddling while on the clock.
- Spontaneously hugging guests.
- Hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and then jumping out to scare guests while screaming, “I know what you did last Christmas!”
- Randomly breaking into sprints and jumping over objects and/or small children.
- Egging the cars in the parking lot.
- Egging the homes of employees or managers.
- Keying “Snooki was here” onto cars in the parking lot.
- Painting an Angry Rose Bushes logo onto anything.
- Attempting to find a cougar to date while on the clock as long as her husband is next to her.***
- Hitting on women older than 75.
- Asking guests if I can pet their furry boots.
- Pretending my name is actually Terry Feathersworth and speaking with an Alaskan accent.
Now you see what I have to deal with. Look at all of these restrictions! Are there any workplace rules you believe are too constraining?
* I called this, “breaking in the new people” and “Ushing initiation.” For whatever reason, no one ever warmed to the idea.
** And here I thought the point of a business was to promote love in the world. And come on, what the heck does “heavy petting” even mean?
*** That’s right! There’s nothing in the rules about stealing a man’s wife while on the clock if he has gone to the bathroom. Has Desperate Housewives and Cougar Town taught you nothing? Women love cheating on their husbands with men who know how to properly clean a toilet.