Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Not To Do on a Date

Much ink has been spilled about how to ace a date. However, some of us learn much better when we’re told what not to do as opposed to instructions regarding what we should do. The logic goes, if we know what we’re supposed to avoid, then everything else is fair game. In this case, I have already given everyone a mini-blueprint on what to do on The First Date, but now I would like to share what should be avoided at all costs. As usual, I will not openly admit that I have done most or all of these:

- Show that person photo albums of your ex.
- Show your date love letters from your ex.
- Tackle, Tickle, or Trout Him/Her*
- Pretend that you forgot your wallet when the date reaches three figures.**
- Lead with your tongue or teeth when kissing for the first time.
- Brag about how many times you’ve been arrested.
- Brag about how many people you have shared a bed with in the past six months.***
- Stare at your date, unblinking, for longer than two minutes.
- Escort them to the bathroom to make sure they get there safely.
- Ask piercing, investigative questions such as: “how many times have you had sex?”, “why is your political affiliation so stupid?”, and/or “so, how many kids are we going to have together?”*****
- Spilling your hot beverage onto them.
- Undressing your date with your eyes so much so that it is noticeable. He/She is not a piece of meat.
- Talking over 60 percent of the time. Getting your date to talk and keeping the conversation balanced is virtually always a good idea.

So there you have it, what not to do on a date, especially not the first date. Keep in mind this is, by no means, an exhaustive list. Of course, by date ten, it’s time to show them who you really are and some of these actually become good strategies.

* A.K.A. “The 3 T’s.” Trouting your date is a relatively new phrase which means slapping your date mercilessly with a live trout. The tickling and tackling are more up for interpretation. If you’re a woman, well, a man would love for you to tackle him, more than likely. As far as tickling goes, just make sure not to tickle a tuchus or someone’s face and you should be fine.

** I’m look at you, ladies and cheap men. That’s right. We know you didn’t forget your wallet. You freakin’ drove us to the place!

*** Especially if this number is in the triple digits. Even if this number is zero, keep it to yourself. In fact, whenever anyone at any time asks you what your “number” is, it is time to change the subject and talk about the weather.

**** If you ask this question on the first date, well, that answer will be zero. Unless you’re a woman asking a man this and his schedule is open for the next 18 years. On this note, asking them which brand of condoms they like the best is probably also a bad idea.


  1. I assumed Trouting was ESPN's new phenomenon for something that Mike Trout aka Superman did during the season

    1. You're right, it is. Trouting is real. I am still sour grapes that he lost the AL MVP.

    2. Is it when you rob someone of a home run? Because that used to be Torii Hunter's thing.

  2. Are trouts ever that handy? Mmm date ten here I come.