Sunday, December 9, 2012

Stuff that Scares the Stuffing Out of Me

Look, I know the stereotypes that exist in America. Men aren’t supposed to have feelings. We can’t cry, we can’t have a high-pitched voice, and we can’t be scared of anything. Emotions are reserved for women. Well, let’s call it what it is. Those stereotypes are pure crap. We’re all human beings and we all have emotions. When The Notebook or Up! is on, how can one not cry?* I will admit it, there are things in this world I am afraid of. Alright, so there are a lot of them. Here is my list of what I am afraid of, although I am sure this isn’t everything:

Aggressive women with boxing gloves? Uh...I'll pass.
Image from:

- My ex-girlfriend
- Nightmares
- Being Scared**
- Nightmares***
- Aggressive women
- Shy women
- Women with red hair
- Women with blonde hair that has a reddish tint
- Jewish Girls****
- Scary looking animals
- High-Fructose Corn Syrup
- Dolphins*****
- Alcohol
- Parties
- Fun
- Commitment
- Women who are bigger and taller than me******
- The entire city of Madison, Wisconsin

* At least this is what I tell myself. I have cried for far less. Heck, sometimes you just wake up sad. Come on, don’t try and tell me you haven’t cried in class before. One time, I was on a date, and I started crying at the end of the movie but the girl I was with did not. It did not end well. You know what? Why am I admitting all of this to you? This post isn’t even about crying. *sniffle*

** I don’t watch scary movies because they might scare me. What person in their right mind actually enjoys being scared?

*** The problem is, when one doesn’t watch scary movies, one still has nightmares. One time, a kangaroo kidnapped me, put me in her pouch, and raised me as her kid. Scared the stuffing out of me. Another time, I was tortured by men who tried to make me eat Skittles. Scary stuff.

**** I would like to make a special shout-out to the girl I am dating, who is Jewish. Hi Lauren!

***** Did you see that dolphin that took a bite out of that kid? I knew they weren’t all friendly, but no one believed me.

****** Hi again, Lauren!


  1. So what category do I fall under specifically? Would it terrify you to know that I also am 90% high fructose corn syrup?

    1. Great question. I guess you could be your own category, either that or "Fun." Although you answered your own question with the high fructose corn syrup response. Yes, knowing that only scares me more.

  2. I have solutions for few of these, glue Lauren to a chair and conform her to Christianity (she already has a Christmas tree at home), avoid sleeping and boxing rings, as a matter of fact, don't leave your house at all and grow ur own organic food. As for Dolphins, I didn't trust those things either...

  3. I find it both interesting as well as more than slightly ironic the fact that shy women and aggressive women scare you there Josh. I would figure that one would seemingly cancel out the other. Also, I think you tend to forget that you're I'll go ahead and guess that you're not looking for a nice Jewish girl based off that information. The entire city of Madison Wisconsin....Hell why not just say the entire state and save yourself the trouble of going to see those basketball games in Milwaukee. Oh and I would like your definition of what it means to be scared of....being scared. Just some sort of differentiation would be helpful there with that one.

    So, basically what I take away from this one is....that you're basically scared of life in general....correct? ;) lol