I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but the world will be ending on December 21, 2012. No need to look up that date or the facts backing it up, just trust me on this one. You have to get out of this denial and face the fact that you have less than a month to complete everything you ever wanted to do before you die. Right now, I would recommend selling all of your stuff, asking all of the people you want to date for their numbers, and forgetting about stupid stuff like homework and work. As if that stuff is going to help you after the 21st anyway.* No one will care about money in a month, anyway. In a month, everything will disappear. The only thing left would have been Twinkies, but after Hostess went bankrupt, everyone decided to eat them all.** But I digress. Here are several activities I plan on partaking in on December 20th, one day before life as we know it ends:
1. Beg My Ex To Get Back Together With Me
“Beg” is a strong word, but I think it applies here. I am willing to cry, plead, text obsessively, and do anything else necessary to get her to leave her current boyfriend and come back to me. What do I have to lose? Here are some of the phrases I plan on hitting her with, “I may not be as attractive or fun as I was back then, but my cuddling has really improved!” “My Mom thinks we would make really cute babies.” “I have a college degree and thus, can get us into free movies anytime with my job at the movie theater!” One of these is bound to work.
2. Admit Someone Else May Be Right
I have been around a long time, but in all that time, I have never actually been wrong about anything. Oh sure, when I was a baby, nobody cared about my genius and they only cared about my general cuteness, but as the years went by and I started talking and my attractiveness faded, my greatness has mattered more. Even though I haven’t been wrong about anything in over 20 years, I may be willing to see a position from a different viewpoint. Perhaps “the tickle test” isn’t the best way to find a wife. Maybe bragging to everyone that my Mom is my best friend isn’t the brightest idea. We shall see on December 20th.
3. Eat Everything in Sight
Screw health and weight loss goals. I am going to eat anything and everything. Stuff I’m allergic to, foods that are bad for me, and heck, even foods I don’t even like. Who is going to stop me? It’s the end of the freakin’ world! Foods I plan on eating include: bread, cupcakes, and cookies.
4. Give Everyone I See Free Hugs
I’ve always felt that we’ve needed more love in the world. Politicians, soldiers, and professional athletes need to embrace hugging things out. Wars should be settled by which side can show more affection for the other side. How can you be mad at someone who embraces you in a loving hug? I remember back in the day, there was a certain gentleman who tried to kill me, but the next time I saw him, he gave me a bear hug. I couldn’t stay mad. Thus, on the 20th, I plan on hugging any and all willing people. It goes without saying that the 20th will be a Cuddle-A-Thon. Get ready to talk about your feelings!
5. Spend Money
As a Jew, this is probably the toughest one for me. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve actually spent money. Food? Clothes? Gas? Etc? All paid for by my parents, who I live with. Gifts for people? Well, those are typically purchased with money I’ve found on the ground, so that doesn’t count. I am excited to actually go out and spend money on something. I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but I’m terrified of what will happen after I do it.
6. Act Incredibly Suspicious For the Sake of It
I’ve always wanted to do this. I plan on dressing in all-black clothes, going inside stores, picking up random items, and then sprinting around the store. The workers there won’t know what to do. I also plan on hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and jumping out and surprising people, screaming in Hebrew.*** BWA ha ha ha ha! I am an evil genius.
* This may or may not be a thinly veiled attempt to get you to slack off so your boss will fire you and I can swoop in to take your job. You’ve got to appreciate my honesty, right?
** Way to think short-term and not keep hundreds of boxes in storage for the apocalypse, idiots.
*** I don’t actually know Hebrew, so screaming fake words at people will have to do.