Sunday, December 30, 2012

How to Ask a Girl Out in 5 Easy Steps

Asking a girl out might be one of the most nerve-wracking processes in the world. There is so much that goes into it and so many steps that can go wrong. If the proverbial ball is dropped and things go completely and totally wrong, it could mean the social kiss of death. She’ll tell all of her friends and post that you foolishly asked her out on Facebook. Pretty soon everyone in your social circle will know you struck out and laugh at you while making jokes behind your back. Shortly after, your Mother will stop loving you and buy a puppy to give her love to in spite of you. Inevitably, your only friends will be a spoon and a gallon of ice cream. ARB is here to help, as we always are, with ways to ace asking that girl you have your eye on out:
This meme is spot on! No, a guy cannot randomly go up and ask her out. Follow these complicated steps!

1. Gather Information

What, did you think you could just walk up to her and start a conversation? Not so fast, Sparky! It is time to find out everything you can about this girl. Stalk her Facebook mercilessly and see what she’s into. What kind of clothes does she wear? Who does she talk to? Where does she live? And finally and most importantly, what is her bra size?* There is no such thing as too much information. Once you find out what she has “liked” on Facebook, you can start formulating a plan to bring up as many of those topics as possible. Note: This process might take a few months, but it’s worth it.

2. See What Guys She Associates With

So, you thought that you were done gathering information and it was time to actually sack up and talk to her? Hold your horses, Speed Racer! There is more information to secure. You must take careful note of each and every guy she makes contact with. Does she hug each of them? Are there certain guys she laughs with a bit too much? Perhaps some kid thinks “liking” all of her statuses are the way to her heart? If so, you might have politics on your hands. Some guy may actually like your girl! What’s worse? She may secretly be dating someone even if her Relationship Status says she’s single. Ideally, your private investigator shoes are still on, so you should have no problem ferreting this one out.

3. Talk to All of Her Friends

Steps one and two are completed and now you want to ask this girl out? Look, man, just stay with me, we’re almost to the finish line, here. The next step is to ask every single one of her friends, family members, and pets to see if she’s digging your chili. It is best to go down the line, starting with her best friend, and working down the line to the friends she doesn’t actually like.** To pass this test, you need at least a 90 percent approval rating. Anything less than that and asking her out is a shaky proposition, at best. Keep in mind her friends can and will lie to you. Be on your game.

4. Start a Conversation with Her

Finally, your time has come. Months of waiting have culminated in this moment. Think of the perfect line to use, smile, and approach her. Begin talking about something you learned in the information gathering stages and let her talk. Keep the conversation going while being both interesting and mysterious. Most importantly, don’t ask her out. Keep her wanting more and fight this battle another day. Nobody likes an eager beaver.

5. Ask Her Out

Wait a few days to let the sheer awesomeness of your conversation set in. Then, it is time to pounce. Go up and talk to her again while bringing up something interesting from your last conversation. The exchange will probably continue to go well, in which case your heart will invariably start beating. It’s now or never. The balance of your entire life up to this point and your Mother’s love is on the line. Get ready to ask her out to a great place, ideally from something you gathered she would enjoy doing and see what she says.*** Exchange numbers and get excited for your first date.

See what months of work and following the correct steps and processes can do? You have managed to conquer the most difficult task charged to men in this lifetime. So what do you think? And what do the women think of these killer strategies? 

* Yes, this is vital information. How else will you buy bras for her at Victoria’s Secret when you’re her boyfriend?

** You do have this list from step one, right? Good.

*** What do you mean you have absolutely no idea where to take her on a good first date? Ugh. Well, if there is demand, I could always have a post of great places to go on a date. We shall see.

1 comment:

  1. What about the "Just go in blind and hope for the best" strategy?