Sunday, December 16, 2012

How to Act When Meeting The Parents (For the First Time)

So, your lover actually likes you. In fact, they like you so much that you are going over to meet their parents. Unfortunately, your companion is throwing you right into the fire. It is time to meet the parents. One of two things can happen: Either you ace it and you’re in great shape, on the fast track to bigger and better days, or it doesn’t go so hot. If it doesn’t go well, it’s time to search for a new lover, since you crashed and burned and you now have two parents who hate you, get ready for lonely nights filled with sad movies and crying.* So, how do you ace that crucial meeting? We here at Angry Rose Bushes have all the answers. Since this one tends to be more gender-specific, we will go back to that old familiar format of breaking it down by gender:
Could Pikachu be the answer to acing the first meeting with her parents? Uh...yes.
Image from: http://www.dltk-kids.com/pokemon/adoptions/pikachu.gif
Men:

1. What to Wear

You need something classy that shows you are a productive member of society. Ideally something that says “I have a degree and I’m using it to be better than an Usher at the movie theater!”** No all-black leather jackets with the logos of biker gangs, please. Also, no sweat and blood-soaked wife-beaters. Shirts with alcohol and drug paraphernalia or names of condom companies are very, very risky. Save those for after you get married when you don’t have to try anymore.*** Try a nice shirt with some nice pants.

2. Being a Man Sucks

It’s a women’s world, unfortunately, and thus, meeting her parents is difficult. Her Dad will be trying to act tough to show you he’s the dominant male in her life while her Mom will be sizing you up to see if you’re a good person or not.**** Both are probably already leaning towards the idea that no man is good enough for their daughter, especially not someone like you. You’ve got to disarm her Mom with a warm, cuddle-esque hug and your $1 million smile. Then it’s time to make grandiose promises about protecting their daughter to Dad. You have to be prepared to take a bullet for her, unfortunately.*****

3. When It Gets Serious

Let’s say it isn’t going well and you just admitted that you don’t actually have a job that pays more than minimum wage or it slipped that you were a member of a traveling circus in a past life. It is time to pull out all the stops or risk losing your girl forever! Challenge her Dad to a duel or a Pok√©mon battle to prove your toughness. Start flirting aggressively with her Mom so everyone in the room knows how desirable you are. Talk about past lovers and sexual encounters to let it be known that you don’t actually need this to go well. Trust me, these ideas are gold. I would suggest not considering the ramifications of any of these suggestions and simply getting out there and doing them.

Women:

1. What To Wear

You are going for something classy and sophisticated here. A tank top with short shorts is not what I’m talking about. Anything you would wear to a party where your goal is getting a one night stand is off limits...unless you are planning for this meeting to fail and are going out partying afterwards. Wearing a sweater and sweat pants that are five sizes too big is the other extreme here. Showing off all of your tattoos with the names of your ex-boyfriends and your ten piercings is risky unless you’re going for the intimidation factor. Try something relatively formal that would not cause his Grandmother to have a heart attack, although hey, if you’ve got it, feel free to show it...a little.

2. Know that This is a War

Your mission is obvious. Impress his Mom. If you don’t impress his Mom, you’re dead in the water. It doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you, if his Mother can’t stand you, you’re screwed. Don’t worry about his Dad. You’re a smart woman, right? Then his Dad will be no problem for you. His Mom, on the other hand, could very well be an issue. You have to prove to her that you can take care of him and that you’re good enough for her son.******

3. Be Prepared to Play some Defense

His Mom is going to attack, you just don’t know how. If you’re going to marry her son, she’s going to want grandkids. She also wants to know you’re high character and aren’t running a secret strip club in your spare time. Do you know what you’ll say when she purposely makes the situation awkward? Remember, only one of you can be the dominant woman in his life. Put on your emotional boxing gloves and don’t be afraid to play dirty. If you have to kiss him on the mouth a few times to show his Mom who’s boss, feel free.


So, all of you out there probably can’t wait to meet your lover’s parents, right? What are some of your craziest experiences with parents?


* But aside from losing the love of your life and likely being single for the rest of eternity, everything’s great!

** My clothes say, “My degree may not be worth anything, but I am awesome usher at the movie theater!” Hopefully you can do better.    

*** “Surprise! This is the real me! BWA ha ha ha, now you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

**** One time, a father had me sit down so he could fill out a profile on me so he could locate me if I kidnapped his daughter. It involved my license, my address, several phone numbers, and the names and occupations of my parents. Another time, I could have sworn a mother was actively hitting on me. Sadness. It really is hard being a guy.

***** See why spending all of your time inside your house watching movies is such a great idea? What are the chances of danger occurring there?

****** You are good enough for her son, right? You’re not secretly evil and planning on cheating on him or anything, are you? Your phone couldn't possibly be filled with over one hundred numbers of guys you want to sleep with, right? If you are secretly evil, he might be fooled, but his Mother won’t be. Come prepared.

2 comments:

  1. Lucky me my relationships end before I get the PLEASURE of dying in front of a group of people that are related, but not to me. That ****** sounded awfully like my ex... except he was the one accusing me, not his mother.

    ReplyDelete
  2. They are all secretly evil though, so that's a problem.

    ReplyDelete