Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Fantastic Reasons to Breakup

Your relationship sucks. Alright, maybe that’s an over exaggeration. You know what? Screw it, it’s not. How do I know this? Well, you’re reading this post, that’s why.* You’re sick of him banging that chick at work who is hotter than you.** Maybe you just realized your girlfriend thinks basketball is played with two goalies and a puck. Either way, you’re starting to get suspicious that maybe you should move on from your significant other. You are probably wondering if your reasoning for breaking up with him/her is legitimate or if you should stay together. And in your time of need, who is always here for you? That’s right, the Angry Rose Bushes blog! So here we go, the following, if they are true in your case, are reasons to dump your current lover:

- You don’t actually like them anymore
- You never actually liked them
- They scare you
- Their kissing feels like their rubbing a brick on your face and their tongue inside your mouth feels like a knife.
- Their voice is so annoying that it makes you want to find a bridge and jump off it. Then if you survive, find another, taller bridge, and jump off that.
- They are currently sleeping with someone who isn’t you.***
- When you have sex, you think of anyone and everyone else because your lover is horrendous. The garbage man. Snooki. It could be anyone.
- The sex is so boring, that you mentally try and name all 100 United States Senators.****
- Their idea of “sexy” is brushing their teeth. This time, with toothpaste.
- They aren’t good at anything. Not even putting on their clothes or eating.
- You both are too comfortable, and your partner hasn’t bathed in over a month.
- Sometimes, while eating, you start crying uncontrollably because you can’t believe someone would date someone like your lover. You start crying because you realize that idiot is you.

Needless to say, if any of the above scenarios describe your situation, you need to run, not walk, to leave this person. Seriously, don’t give any explanation, don’t even tell them, just leave. They’ll know because you’ll have changed your relationship status on Facebook.

Legally, I cannot suggest you actually do this, but if your lover does that to you...see ya! Although, what a way to breakup with someone... No! Do not do this! There.
Image from: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OBrocbnFMMk/TYyOiIv3ijI/AAAAAAAAAtE/LD1WA61Agys/s1600/some%2Bcool%2Bways%2Bto%2Bbreak%2Bup%2Bwith%2Byour%2Bgirl-10.jpg

* Some of you may be saying, “no Josh, my relationship doesn’t suck. I am actually one of your loyal readers and I read all of your posts.” First of all, thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate my regular readers. Second of all, for the sake of imagery and artistry, pretend you hate your current lover. You already do? Great.

** Admit it, she is hotter than you. She also has a better personality. Don’t be mad! I’m only the messenger.

*** Careful here, Sparky. I am talking about them cuddling with another person, not actually having sex with another person. Some people are turned on by the thought of their partner banging someone else.

**** Uh...no comment.


  1. Mitch McConnell always turns me on during sex

  2. It's not really homicide if you stop feeding him/her...