Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Exquisite Reasons to Stay Together Forever

She’s not exactly the girl you want to marry or see more than once a month, but that doesn’t mean you should break up with her. He loves smoking and collecting dogs even though you’re deathly allergic, but you should probably stay with him anyway. Last week, we discussed every reason you should leave your lover, delete them from Facebook, and never talk to them again.* Today, we are turning over a new leaf. “But Josh, what do you mean? Are you flip-flopping already? It’s just been a week!” First of all, quiet you! As the mysterious author of this blog, I reserve the right to change my views every single day if I feel like it. In actuality, we here at Angry Rose Bushes like to give equal time to all horrible ideas as opposed to just some of them. Here are some of the reasons you should suck it up and marry the person you’re dating:

1. You’re No Spring Chicken Yourself

They eat all of the food you buy, don’t actually know what to do with cleaning supplies, and are racking up thousands of dollars worth of debt buying different flavors of chips and salsa, so what? Are you trying to say you’re perfect? I’m sure you have flaws. Think about it. All of your insecurities exist. That’s right, we notice. You don’t brush your teeth and floss everyday, twice a day, do you? What was the last book you read? How many salads have you eaten in the past week? And that gym you’re paying each month hasn’t seen you in a while. Exactly. You’re not perfect. Naturally, you must stay with your inadequate lover. It’s only fair.

2. Some People Have No One

Alright, so you say that your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t know how to kiss, cheats on you, and has decided to collect two of every animal in preparation for the coming flood, fantastic. Remember the good times. Isn’t it nice having someone to kiss and cuddle with? What about bragging about how great your relationship is, isn’t that a little difficult if you break up? You can’t quietly chuckle at all of the single people if you are single yourself. The answer is clearly that you need to stay with this person. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but isn’t it nice having someone as opposed to no one? “Soul mates” are only in movies. It is time to accept the fact that your lover isn’t that great, but they are better than no one. Besides, you’ve been with this person for years, if you don’t get married and have four kids, then all of those years are wasted. It’s time to stop doubting this relationship and start with the marriage!

3. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

As nice as it is to think that you could have a boyfriend who has a hobby other than chasing squirrels or a girlfriend who doesn’t Tweet the play-by-play of your sex life, but hey, there are always worse out there, right? As they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Your current girlfriend, the one who keeps Tweeting about how good (or bad) of a lover you are wouldn’t be as bad as a girl, say, Tweeting pictures of your bad form, right? That guy who chases squirrels as a hobby isn’t as bad as you think, either. At least he gets exercise!

4. Pick Someone Already!

This goes out to those of you who are around 30 or perhaps a bit older. Look, societal norms dictate that everyone has around 30-35 years to find their soul mate, but if you fail after that, well, it’s time to stop being so picky and choose someone! They don’t have to be perfect, they just have to have a heartbeat, and even that is negotiable after you hit 40. If you don’t, all of us are going to start asking why you haven’t gotten married yet and asking why no one loves you. And besides, your parents want grand kids. How selfish can you be to deny them of that? Just find someone, settle down, and have kids.       

Hopefully everyone has learned something new today, especially if they were considering a breakup. Seriously, folks, we need fewer breakups and more wedding bells.

* Although, feel free to check their Facebook every now and again so you can see how their life is absolutely terrible without you. Really. You were all they had, and now that you're gone, they've gained 40 pounds and nobody loves them. Meanwhile, you've never looked and felt so good.

1 comment:

  1. I have no one! I don't chase squirrels either (nor am I the janitor from Scrubs)!