SPOILER: Christmas as a Jew sucks. It’s terrible. Actually, terrible doesn’t make it sound bad enough, it’s worse than that. Unbearable would probably be the correct word. It’s the worst day of the year. Let me paint a picture: it’s freakin’ cold outside, nobody is working, and everything is closed. In Jew World, it’s not even a holiday. If you’re looking for how to deal with spending a day alongside people you don’t actually like, please check out this post. Instead, what follows is how my family spends each Christmas :
1. My Dad Regales Us With the Story of Christmas
That’s right. My Dad, who doesn’t even celebrate the holiday, will tell all of us how happy everyone is on this day. He then tells us the story of Christmas. The problem? He doesn’t actually know the story of Christmas. How do I know this? Well, because the story changes every single year. One year, Christmas was created because Christianity would be too boring without it. The next, it’s a conspiracy between Hallmark and the retail stores to come out ahead. Shortly after, he forgets what he was talking about and tells us about how he used to walk five miles to and from school through the rain, snow, hurricanes, earthquakes, and even a tornado.* I will never actually know the story of Christmas because I don’t want to torture myself by Googling it.
2. Sitting Around All Day Staring At Each Other Listening To...Christmas Music?
That’s right, sports fans. In my house, for some inexplicable reason that nobody can quite figure out, Christmas music blasts through our stereo’s speakers for the duration of the day. My Dad, again, for some inexplicable reason, loves Christmas music, and thus, he tortures us with it all day. And no, it does not cheer us up. By the way, when I say “blasts” I mean, as loud as the stereo can go. All we can do is stare at each other since no one can hear anything anyone else says. Besides, whenever we speak, it always sparks screaming anyway since everyone is so miserable on Christmas. We can’t actually go out anywhere since everything is closed. Ugh.
3. Gifts and “Merry Christmas” Texts
Not only does the holiday not tickle me at all, but everyone I know demands gifts. It’s the equivalent of having Goodie Bags at a funeral. Why do I, someone who does not celebrate Christmas, have to give you a gift? How about neither one of us gets the other one anything and we both spent the money we would have used on gifts for stuff we want? Speaking of gifts, no, they do not have to be Chanukah themed. Also, what is up with all of the “Merry Christmas” texts everyone sends? Come on, man, that’s like running me over with your car and then getting a goat to give me CPR to save my life.** Remove me from those chain texts, please. “Happy Holidays” is not acceptable either. Chanukah is not happy, so no need to pretend.
How does one avoid this day before it begins? Easy! Get a job that pays such a small amount of money and requires me to work on Christmas. That has been my strategy both last year and this year. With one day of work, I will be approximately 1/8th of the way to paying off all of the gifts I’ve had to get for everyone this year. Did I forget to mention I haven’t actually given out very many good gifts this year?
So there you have it. My summary of the worst day of the year. By the way, no, Jews do not order Chinese food and sneak it into the movie theater on Christmas. That is a myth. In all seriousness, though, we here at Angry Rose Bushes would like to wish everyone a happy December 25th.***
* So, you don’t believe my Dad really walked through hurricanes, earthquakes and tornadoes to get to school? Legend has it, a tornado once tried to get a hold of my Dad. He slapped it and said, “get the eff out of my way, I’ve got to get to school.” Yeah...I found some holes in his story, too.
** This wouldn’t be that bad, but I imagine goats are not very good kissers and their fur is a little too strange for my taste.
*** Seriously. I'm not going to be having any fun, so you may as well be.