Sunday, December 30, 2012

How to Ask a Girl Out in 5 Easy Steps

Asking a girl out might be one of the most nerve-wracking processes in the world. There is so much that goes into it and so many steps that can go wrong. If the proverbial ball is dropped and things go completely and totally wrong, it could mean the social kiss of death. She’ll tell all of her friends and post that you foolishly asked her out on Facebook. Pretty soon everyone in your social circle will know you struck out and laugh at you while making jokes behind your back. Shortly after, your Mother will stop loving you and buy a puppy to give her love to in spite of you. Inevitably, your only friends will be a spoon and a gallon of ice cream. ARB is here to help, as we always are, with ways to ace asking that girl you have your eye on out:
This meme is spot on! No, a guy cannot randomly go up and ask her out. Follow these complicated steps!
From: quickmeme.com

1. Gather Information

What, did you think you could just walk up to her and start a conversation? Not so fast, Sparky! It is time to find out everything you can about this girl. Stalk her Facebook mercilessly and see what she’s into. What kind of clothes does she wear? Who does she talk to? Where does she live? And finally and most importantly, what is her bra size?* There is no such thing as too much information. Once you find out what she has “liked” on Facebook, you can start formulating a plan to bring up as many of those topics as possible. Note: This process might take a few months, but it’s worth it.

2. See What Guys She Associates With

So, you thought that you were done gathering information and it was time to actually sack up and talk to her? Hold your horses, Speed Racer! There is more information to secure. You must take careful note of each and every guy she makes contact with. Does she hug each of them? Are there certain guys she laughs with a bit too much? Perhaps some kid thinks “liking” all of her statuses are the way to her heart? If so, you might have politics on your hands. Some guy may actually like your girl! What’s worse? She may secretly be dating someone even if her Relationship Status says she’s single. Ideally, your private investigator shoes are still on, so you should have no problem ferreting this one out.

3. Talk to All of Her Friends

Steps one and two are completed and now you want to ask this girl out? Look, man, just stay with me, we’re almost to the finish line, here. The next step is to ask every single one of her friends, family members, and pets to see if she’s digging your chili. It is best to go down the line, starting with her best friend, and working down the line to the friends she doesn’t actually like.** To pass this test, you need at least a 90 percent approval rating. Anything less than that and asking her out is a shaky proposition, at best. Keep in mind her friends can and will lie to you. Be on your game.

4. Start a Conversation with Her

Finally, your time has come. Months of waiting have culminated in this moment. Think of the perfect line to use, smile, and approach her. Begin talking about something you learned in the information gathering stages and let her talk. Keep the conversation going while being both interesting and mysterious. Most importantly, don’t ask her out. Keep her wanting more and fight this battle another day. Nobody likes an eager beaver.

5. Ask Her Out

Wait a few days to let the sheer awesomeness of your conversation set in. Then, it is time to pounce. Go up and talk to her again while bringing up something interesting from your last conversation. The exchange will probably continue to go well, in which case your heart will invariably start beating. It’s now or never. The balance of your entire life up to this point and your Mother’s love is on the line. Get ready to ask her out to a great place, ideally from something you gathered she would enjoy doing and see what she says.*** Exchange numbers and get excited for your first date.

See what months of work and following the correct steps and processes can do? You have managed to conquer the most difficult task charged to men in this lifetime. So what do you think? And what do the women think of these killer strategies? 



* Yes, this is vital information. How else will you buy bras for her at Victoria’s Secret when you’re her boyfriend?

** You do have this list from step one, right? Good.

*** What do you mean you have absolutely no idea where to take her on a good first date? Ugh. Well, if there is demand, I could always have a post of great places to go on a date. We shall see.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Not To Do on a Date

Much ink has been spilled about how to ace a date. However, some of us learn much better when we’re told what not to do as opposed to instructions regarding what we should do. The logic goes, if we know what we’re supposed to avoid, then everything else is fair game. In this case, I have already given everyone a mini-blueprint on what to do on The First Date, but now I would like to share what should be avoided at all costs. As usual, I will not openly admit that I have done most or all of these:

- Show that person photo albums of your ex.
- Show your date love letters from your ex.
- Tackle, Tickle, or Trout Him/Her*
- Pretend that you forgot your wallet when the date reaches three figures.**
- Lead with your tongue or teeth when kissing for the first time.
- Brag about how many times you’ve been arrested.
- Brag about how many people you have shared a bed with in the past six months.***
- Stare at your date, unblinking, for longer than two minutes.
- Escort them to the bathroom to make sure they get there safely.
- Ask piercing, investigative questions such as: “how many times have you had sex?”, “why is your political affiliation so stupid?”, and/or “so, how many kids are we going to have together?”*****
- Spilling your hot beverage onto them.
- Undressing your date with your eyes so much so that it is noticeable. He/She is not a piece of meat.
- Talking over 60 percent of the time. Getting your date to talk and keeping the conversation balanced is virtually always a good idea.

So there you have it, what not to do on a date, especially not the first date. Keep in mind this is, by no means, an exhaustive list. Of course, by date ten, it’s time to show them who you really are and some of these actually become good strategies.



* A.K.A. “The 3 T’s.” Trouting your date is a relatively new phrase which means slapping your date mercilessly with a live trout. The tickling and tackling are more up for interpretation. If you’re a woman, well, a man would love for you to tackle him, more than likely. As far as tickling goes, just make sure not to tickle a tuchus or someone’s face and you should be fine.

** I’m look at you, ladies and cheap men. That’s right. We know you didn’t forget your wallet. You freakin’ drove us to the place!

*** Especially if this number is in the triple digits. Even if this number is zero, keep it to yourself. In fact, whenever anyone at any time asks you what your “number” is, it is time to change the subject and talk about the weather.

**** If you ask this question on the first date, well, that answer will be zero. Unless you’re a woman asking a man this and his schedule is open for the next 18 years. On this note, asking them which brand of condoms they like the best is probably also a bad idea.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas as a Jew

SPOILER: Christmas as a Jew sucks. It’s terrible. Actually, terrible doesn’t make it sound bad enough, it’s worse than that. Unbearable would probably be the correct word. It’s the worst day of the year. Let me paint a picture: it’s freakin’ cold outside, nobody is working, and everything is closed. In Jew World, it’s not even a holiday. If you’re looking for how to deal with spending a day alongside people you don’t actually like, please check out this post. Instead, what follows is how my family spends each Christmas :

1. My Dad Regales Us With the Story of Christmas

That’s right. My Dad, who doesn’t even celebrate the holiday, will tell all of us how happy everyone is on this day. He then tells us the story of Christmas. The problem? He doesn’t actually know the story of Christmas. How do I know this? Well, because the story changes every single year. One year, Christmas was created because Christianity would be too boring without it. The next, it’s a conspiracy between Hallmark and the retail stores to come out ahead. Shortly after, he forgets what he was talking about and tells us about how he used to walk five miles to and from school through the rain, snow, hurricanes, earthquakes, and even a tornado.* I will never actually know the story of Christmas because I don’t want to torture myself by Googling it.

2. Sitting Around All Day Staring At Each Other Listening To...Christmas Music?

That’s right, sports fans. In my house, for some inexplicable reason that nobody can quite figure out, Christmas music blasts through our stereo’s speakers for the duration of the day. My Dad, again, for some inexplicable reason, loves Christmas music, and thus, he tortures us with it all day. And no, it does not cheer us up. By the way, when I say “blasts” I mean, as loud as the stereo can go. All we can do is stare at each other since no one can hear anything anyone else says. Besides, whenever we speak, it always sparks screaming anyway since everyone is so miserable on Christmas. We can’t actually go out anywhere since everything is closed. Ugh.

3. Gifts and “Merry Christmas” Texts


Not only does the holiday not tickle me at all, but everyone I know demands gifts. It’s the equivalent of having Goodie Bags at a funeral. Why do I, someone who does not celebrate Christmas, have to give you a gift? How about neither one of us gets the other one anything and we both spent the money we would have used on gifts for stuff we want? Speaking of gifts, no, they do not have to be Chanukah themed. Also, what is up with all of the “Merry Christmas” texts everyone sends? Come on, man, that’s like running me over with your car and then getting a goat to give me CPR to save my life.** Remove me from those chain texts, please. “Happy Holidays” is not acceptable either. Chanukah is not happy, so no need to pretend.

4. Working

How does one avoid this day before it begins? Easy! Get a job that pays such a small amount of money and requires me to work on Christmas. That has been my strategy both last year and this year. With one day of work, I will be approximately 1/8th of the way to paying off all of the gifts I’ve had to get for everyone this year. Did I forget to mention I haven’t actually given out very many good gifts this year?


So there you have it. My summary of the worst day of the year. By the way, no, Jews do not order Chinese food and sneak it into the movie theater on Christmas. That is a myth. In all seriousness, though, we here at Angry Rose Bushes would like to wish everyone a happy December 25th.***


* So, you don’t believe my Dad really walked through hurricanes, earthquakes and tornadoes to get to school? Legend has it, a tornado once tried to get a hold of my Dad. He slapped it and said, “get the eff out of my way, I’ve got to get to school.” Yeah...I found some holes in his story, too.

** This wouldn’t be that bad, but I imagine goats are not very good kissers and their fur is a little too strange for my taste.

*** Seriously. I'm not going to be having any fun, so you may as well be. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Exquisite Reasons to Stay Together Forever

She’s not exactly the girl you want to marry or see more than once a month, but that doesn’t mean you should break up with her. He loves smoking and collecting dogs even though you’re deathly allergic, but you should probably stay with him anyway. Last week, we discussed every reason you should leave your lover, delete them from Facebook, and never talk to them again.* Today, we are turning over a new leaf. “But Josh, what do you mean? Are you flip-flopping already? It’s just been a week!” First of all, quiet you! As the mysterious author of this blog, I reserve the right to change my views every single day if I feel like it. In actuality, we here at Angry Rose Bushes like to give equal time to all horrible ideas as opposed to just some of them. Here are some of the reasons you should suck it up and marry the person you’re dating:

1. You’re No Spring Chicken Yourself

They eat all of the food you buy, don’t actually know what to do with cleaning supplies, and are racking up thousands of dollars worth of debt buying different flavors of chips and salsa, so what? Are you trying to say you’re perfect? I’m sure you have flaws. Think about it. All of your insecurities exist. That’s right, we notice. You don’t brush your teeth and floss everyday, twice a day, do you? What was the last book you read? How many salads have you eaten in the past week? And that gym you’re paying each month hasn’t seen you in a while. Exactly. You’re not perfect. Naturally, you must stay with your inadequate lover. It’s only fair.

2. Some People Have No One

Alright, so you say that your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t know how to kiss, cheats on you, and has decided to collect two of every animal in preparation for the coming flood, fantastic. Remember the good times. Isn’t it nice having someone to kiss and cuddle with? What about bragging about how great your relationship is, isn’t that a little difficult if you break up? You can’t quietly chuckle at all of the single people if you are single yourself. The answer is clearly that you need to stay with this person. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but isn’t it nice having someone as opposed to no one? “Soul mates” are only in movies. It is time to accept the fact that your lover isn’t that great, but they are better than no one. Besides, you’ve been with this person for years, if you don’t get married and have four kids, then all of those years are wasted. It’s time to stop doubting this relationship and start with the marriage!

3. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

As nice as it is to think that you could have a boyfriend who has a hobby other than chasing squirrels or a girlfriend who doesn’t Tweet the play-by-play of your sex life, but hey, there are always worse out there, right? As they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Your current girlfriend, the one who keeps Tweeting about how good (or bad) of a lover you are wouldn’t be as bad as a girl, say, Tweeting pictures of your bad form, right? That guy who chases squirrels as a hobby isn’t as bad as you think, either. At least he gets exercise!

4. Pick Someone Already!

This goes out to those of you who are around 30 or perhaps a bit older. Look, societal norms dictate that everyone has around 30-35 years to find their soul mate, but if you fail after that, well, it’s time to stop being so picky and choose someone! They don’t have to be perfect, they just have to have a heartbeat, and even that is negotiable after you hit 40. If you don’t, all of us are going to start asking why you haven’t gotten married yet and asking why no one loves you. And besides, your parents want grand kids. How selfish can you be to deny them of that? Just find someone, settle down, and have kids.       

Hopefully everyone has learned something new today, especially if they were considering a breakup. Seriously, folks, we need fewer breakups and more wedding bells.


* Although, feel free to check their Facebook every now and again so you can see how their life is absolutely terrible without you. Really. You were all they had, and now that you're gone, they've gained 40 pounds and nobody loves them. Meanwhile, you've never looked and felt so good.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

How to Act When Meeting The Parents (For the First Time)

So, your lover actually likes you. In fact, they like you so much that you are going over to meet their parents. Unfortunately, your companion is throwing you right into the fire. It is time to meet the parents. One of two things can happen: Either you ace it and you’re in great shape, on the fast track to bigger and better days, or it doesn’t go so hot. If it doesn’t go well, it’s time to search for a new lover, since you crashed and burned and you now have two parents who hate you, get ready for lonely nights filled with sad movies and crying.* So, how do you ace that crucial meeting? We here at Angry Rose Bushes have all the answers. Since this one tends to be more gender-specific, we will go back to that old familiar format of breaking it down by gender:
Could Pikachu be the answer to acing the first meeting with her parents? Uh...yes.
Image from: http://www.dltk-kids.com/pokemon/adoptions/pikachu.gif
Men:

1. What to Wear

You need something classy that shows you are a productive member of society. Ideally something that says “I have a degree and I’m using it to be better than an Usher at the movie theater!”** No all-black leather jackets with the logos of biker gangs, please. Also, no sweat and blood-soaked wife-beaters. Shirts with alcohol and drug paraphernalia or names of condom companies are very, very risky. Save those for after you get married when you don’t have to try anymore.*** Try a nice shirt with some nice pants.

2. Being a Man Sucks

It’s a women’s world, unfortunately, and thus, meeting her parents is difficult. Her Dad will be trying to act tough to show you he’s the dominant male in her life while her Mom will be sizing you up to see if you’re a good person or not.**** Both are probably already leaning towards the idea that no man is good enough for their daughter, especially not someone like you. You’ve got to disarm her Mom with a warm, cuddle-esque hug and your $1 million smile. Then it’s time to make grandiose promises about protecting their daughter to Dad. You have to be prepared to take a bullet for her, unfortunately.*****

3. When It Gets Serious

Let’s say it isn’t going well and you just admitted that you don’t actually have a job that pays more than minimum wage or it slipped that you were a member of a traveling circus in a past life. It is time to pull out all the stops or risk losing your girl forever! Challenge her Dad to a duel or a Pok√©mon battle to prove your toughness. Start flirting aggressively with her Mom so everyone in the room knows how desirable you are. Talk about past lovers and sexual encounters to let it be known that you don’t actually need this to go well. Trust me, these ideas are gold. I would suggest not considering the ramifications of any of these suggestions and simply getting out there and doing them.

Women:

1. What To Wear

You are going for something classy and sophisticated here. A tank top with short shorts is not what I’m talking about. Anything you would wear to a party where your goal is getting a one night stand is off limits...unless you are planning for this meeting to fail and are going out partying afterwards. Wearing a sweater and sweat pants that are five sizes too big is the other extreme here. Showing off all of your tattoos with the names of your ex-boyfriends and your ten piercings is risky unless you’re going for the intimidation factor. Try something relatively formal that would not cause his Grandmother to have a heart attack, although hey, if you’ve got it, feel free to show it...a little.

2. Know that This is a War

Your mission is obvious. Impress his Mom. If you don’t impress his Mom, you’re dead in the water. It doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you, if his Mother can’t stand you, you’re screwed. Don’t worry about his Dad. You’re a smart woman, right? Then his Dad will be no problem for you. His Mom, on the other hand, could very well be an issue. You have to prove to her that you can take care of him and that you’re good enough for her son.******

3. Be Prepared to Play some Defense

His Mom is going to attack, you just don’t know how. If you’re going to marry her son, she’s going to want grandkids. She also wants to know you’re high character and aren’t running a secret strip club in your spare time. Do you know what you’ll say when she purposely makes the situation awkward? Remember, only one of you can be the dominant woman in his life. Put on your emotional boxing gloves and don’t be afraid to play dirty. If you have to kiss him on the mouth a few times to show his Mom who’s boss, feel free.


So, all of you out there probably can’t wait to meet your lover’s parents, right? What are some of your craziest experiences with parents?


* But aside from losing the love of your life and likely being single for the rest of eternity, everything’s great!

** My clothes say, “My degree may not be worth anything, but I am awesome usher at the movie theater!” Hopefully you can do better.    

*** “Surprise! This is the real me! BWA ha ha ha, now you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

**** One time, a father had me sit down so he could fill out a profile on me so he could locate me if I kidnapped his daughter. It involved my license, my address, several phone numbers, and the names and occupations of my parents. Another time, I could have sworn a mother was actively hitting on me. Sadness. It really is hard being a guy.

***** See why spending all of your time inside your house watching movies is such a great idea? What are the chances of danger occurring there?

****** You are good enough for her son, right? You’re not secretly evil and planning on cheating on him or anything, are you? Your phone couldn't possibly be filled with over one hundred numbers of guys you want to sleep with, right? If you are secretly evil, he might be fooled, but his Mother won’t be. Come prepared.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Fantastic Reasons to Breakup

Your relationship sucks. Alright, maybe that’s an over exaggeration. You know what? Screw it, it’s not. How do I know this? Well, you’re reading this post, that’s why.* You’re sick of him banging that chick at work who is hotter than you.** Maybe you just realized your girlfriend thinks basketball is played with two goalies and a puck. Either way, you’re starting to get suspicious that maybe you should move on from your significant other. You are probably wondering if your reasoning for breaking up with him/her is legitimate or if you should stay together. And in your time of need, who is always here for you? That’s right, the Angry Rose Bushes blog! So here we go, the following, if they are true in your case, are reasons to dump your current lover:

- You don’t actually like them anymore
- You never actually liked them
- They scare you
- Their kissing feels like their rubbing a brick on your face and their tongue inside your mouth feels like a knife.
- Their voice is so annoying that it makes you want to find a bridge and jump off it. Then if you survive, find another, taller bridge, and jump off that.
- They are currently sleeping with someone who isn’t you.***
- When you have sex, you think of anyone and everyone else because your lover is horrendous. The garbage man. Snooki. It could be anyone.
- The sex is so boring, that you mentally try and name all 100 United States Senators.****
- Their idea of “sexy” is brushing their teeth. This time, with toothpaste.
- They aren’t good at anything. Not even putting on their clothes or eating.
- You both are too comfortable, and your partner hasn’t bathed in over a month.
- Sometimes, while eating, you start crying uncontrollably because you can’t believe someone would date someone like your lover. You start crying because you realize that idiot is you.


Needless to say, if any of the above scenarios describe your situation, you need to run, not walk, to leave this person. Seriously, don’t give any explanation, don’t even tell them, just leave. They’ll know because you’ll have changed your relationship status on Facebook.

Legally, I cannot suggest you actually do this, but if your lover does that to you...see ya! Although, what a way to breakup with someone... No! Do not do this! There.
Image from: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OBrocbnFMMk/TYyOiIv3ijI/AAAAAAAAAtE/LD1WA61Agys/s1600/some%2Bcool%2Bways%2Bto%2Bbreak%2Bup%2Bwith%2Byour%2Bgirl-10.jpg


* Some of you may be saying, “no Josh, my relationship doesn’t suck. I am actually one of your loyal readers and I read all of your posts.” First of all, thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate my regular readers. Second of all, for the sake of imagery and artistry, pretend you hate your current lover. You already do? Great.

** Admit it, she is hotter than you. She also has a better personality. Don’t be mad! I’m only the messenger.

*** Careful here, Sparky. I am talking about them cuddling with another person, not actually having sex with another person. Some people are turned on by the thought of their partner banging someone else.

**** Uh...no comment.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Stuff that Scares the Stuffing Out of Me

Look, I know the stereotypes that exist in America. Men aren’t supposed to have feelings. We can’t cry, we can’t have a high-pitched voice, and we can’t be scared of anything. Emotions are reserved for women. Well, let’s call it what it is. Those stereotypes are pure crap. We’re all human beings and we all have emotions. When The Notebook or Up! is on, how can one not cry?* I will admit it, there are things in this world I am afraid of. Alright, so there are a lot of them. Here is my list of what I am afraid of, although I am sure this isn’t everything:

Aggressive women with boxing gloves? Uh...I'll pass.
Image from: http://s3.hubimg.com/u/1257070_f248.jpg




















- My ex-girlfriend
- Nightmares
- Being Scared**
- Nightmares***
- Aggressive women
- Shy women
- Women with red hair
- Women with blonde hair that has a reddish tint
- Jewish Girls****
- Scary looking animals
- High-Fructose Corn Syrup
- Dolphins*****
- Alcohol
- Parties
- Fun
- Commitment
- Women who are bigger and taller than me******
- The entire city of Madison, Wisconsin


* At least this is what I tell myself. I have cried for far less. Heck, sometimes you just wake up sad. Come on, don’t try and tell me you haven’t cried in class before. One time, I was on a date, and I started crying at the end of the movie but the girl I was with did not. It did not end well. You know what? Why am I admitting all of this to you? This post isn’t even about crying. *sniffle*

** I don’t watch scary movies because they might scare me. What person in their right mind actually enjoys being scared?

*** The problem is, when one doesn’t watch scary movies, one still has nightmares. One time, a kangaroo kidnapped me, put me in her pouch, and raised me as her kid. Scared the stuffing out of me. Another time, I was tortured by men who tried to make me eat Skittles. Scary stuff.

**** I would like to make a special shout-out to the girl I am dating, who is Jewish. Hi Lauren!

***** Did you see that dolphin that took a bite out of that kid? I knew they weren’t all friendly, but no one believed me.

****** Hi again, Lauren!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Workplace Rules That Should Not Exist


Sounds a lot more like "You can't, you can't, you definitely can never do that..."
Image From: http://loveisinfinite.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/rules.gif

Sometimes, I get really frustrated by all of these workplace rules. I completely understand some of them, but others, well, I don’t know. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. One moron decides to write something obscene on the walls in permanent marker, and pretty soon, all Sharpies are banned from the building. The following are a list of activities forbidden at my workplace that I am fervently against for a wide variety of reasons. I may or may not have partaken in these activities, I will never actually admit to any of them, however:


- Placing new employees into trash receptacles and rolling them down small hills.*
- Public displays of affection with guests or employees. PDA includes: Licking, biting, kissing, and “heavy petting.”**
- Cuddling while on the clock.
- Spontaneously hugging guests.
- Hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and then jumping out to scare guests while screaming, “I know what you did last Christmas!”
- Randomly breaking into sprints and jumping over objects and/or small children.
- Egging the cars in the parking lot.
- Egging the homes of employees or managers.
- Keying “Snooki was here” onto cars in the parking lot.
- Painting an Angry Rose Bushes logo onto anything.
- Attempting to find a cougar to date while on the clock as long as her husband is next to her.***
- Hitting on women older than 75.
- Asking guests if I can pet their furry boots.
- Pretending my name is actually Terry Feathersworth and speaking with an Alaskan accent.


Now you see what I have to deal with. Look at all of these restrictions! Are there any workplace rules you believe are too constraining?



* I called this, “breaking in the new people” and “Ushing initiation.” For whatever reason, no one ever warmed to the idea.
** And here I thought the point of a business was to promote love in the world. And come on, what the heck does “heavy petting” even mean?
*** That’s right! There’s nothing in the rules about stealing a man’s wife while on the clock if he has gone to the bathroom. Has Desperate Housewives and Cougar Town taught you nothing? Women love cheating on their husbands with men who know how to properly clean a toilet.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Preparing for the End of the World (In 3 Weeks)

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but the world will be ending on December 21, 2012. No need to look up that date or the facts backing it up, just trust me on this one. You have to get out of this denial and face the fact that you have less than a month to complete everything you ever wanted to do before you die. Right now, I would recommend selling all of your stuff, asking all of the people you want to date for their numbers, and forgetting about stupid stuff like homework and work. As if that stuff is going to help you after the 21st anyway.* No one will care about money in a month, anyway. In a month, everything will disappear. The only thing left would have been Twinkies, but after Hostess went bankrupt, everyone decided to eat them all.** But I digress. Here are several activities I plan on partaking in on December 20th, one day before life as we know it ends:

1. Beg My Ex To Get Back Together With Me

“Beg” is a strong word, but I think it applies here. I am willing to cry, plead, text obsessively, and do anything else necessary to get her to leave her current boyfriend and come back to me. What do I have to lose? Here are some of the phrases I plan on hitting her with, “I may not be as attractive or fun as I was back then, but my cuddling has really improved!” “My Mom thinks we would make really cute babies.” “I have a college degree and thus, can get us into free movies anytime with my job at the movie theater!” One of these is bound to work.

2. Admit Someone Else May Be Right

I have been around a long time, but in all that time, I have never actually been wrong about anything. Oh sure, when I was a baby, nobody cared about my genius and they only cared about my general cuteness, but as the years went by and I started talking and my attractiveness faded, my greatness has mattered more. Even though I haven’t been wrong about anything in over 20 years, I may be willing to see a position from a different viewpoint. Perhaps “the tickle test” isn’t the best way to find a wife. Maybe bragging to everyone that my Mom is my best friend isn’t the brightest idea. We shall see on December 20th.

3. Eat Everything in Sight

Screw health and weight loss goals. I am going to eat anything and everything. Stuff I’m allergic to, foods that are bad for me, and heck, even foods I don’t even like. Who is going to stop me? It’s the end of the freakin’ world! Foods I plan on eating include: bread, cupcakes, and cookies.

4. Give Everyone I See Free Hugs

I’ve always felt that we’ve needed more love in the world. Politicians, soldiers, and professional athletes need to embrace hugging things out. Wars should be settled by which side can show more affection for the other side. How can you be mad at someone who embraces you in a loving hug? I remember back in the day, there was a certain gentleman who tried to kill me, but the next time I saw him, he gave me a bear hug. I couldn’t stay mad. Thus, on the 20th, I plan on hugging any and all willing people. It goes without saying that the 20th will be a Cuddle-A-Thon. Get ready to talk about your feelings!

5. Spend Money

As a Jew, this is probably the toughest one for me. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve actually spent money. Food? Clothes? Gas? Etc? All paid for by my parents, who I live with. Gifts for people? Well, those are typically purchased with money I’ve found on the ground, so that doesn’t count. I am excited to actually go out and spend money on something. I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but I’m terrified of what will happen after I do it.

6. Act Incredibly Suspicious For the Sake of It

I’ve always wanted to do this. I plan on dressing in all-black clothes, going inside stores, picking up random items, and then sprinting around the store. The workers there won’t know what to do. I also plan on hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and jumping out and surprising people, screaming in Hebrew.*** BWA ha ha ha ha! I am an evil genius.


* This may or may not be a thinly veiled attempt to get you to slack off so your boss will fire you and I can swoop in to take your job. You’ve got to appreciate my honesty, right?

** Way to think short-term and not keep hundreds of boxes in storage for the apocalypse, idiots.

*** I don’t actually know Hebrew, so screaming fake words at people will have to do.