As many of you may know, a very close friend of mine* is known for having a bit of a blunt as a bat, hardcore honest, balls to the wall, type of personality. Unfortunately, this type of loose-cannon behavior has backfired once or twice. Here are some of the more unfortunate examples of refusing to think before one speaks:
“Your Honor, I motion that the Plaintiff be declared too stupid to live. How could he not be paying enough attention to notice a speeding car heading right for him? Most people would jump out of the way or something, but not this Bozo. If anything, I am the victim here.”
“You know what? There is nothing I could say to you that would make you finding two pregnancy tests here acceptable, so think what you want to think.”
"You are a horrible parent. What person, in their right mind, stands outside of their kids' bedroom cheering on the sexcapades going on inside?"
“Are you guys all going out to ‘shoot your homies?’ Isn’t that what all the kids are saying these days?”**
“Are you seriously allowed to tie me up, blindfold me, and leave me here? Isn’t that against the rules? Was that some work email I missed?”
“Babe, look, you’re not that hot. If I were to leave you here you might get 8 dollars, and that’s only if there are some desperate gentlemen out on the streets tonight.”
“Wow, I am so awesome at my job. You should give me a raise and call me Sheila. You know what? Hold the Sheila, just give me the raise.”
“This is absolutely terrible. Where did you learn to cook, Truck Driving School?”
“I’m not going to say that kissing you is like kissing a porcupine since I have never actually kissed a porcupine, but I would imagine the experiences are similar. Why do you use your teeth so much?”
“If we were the last two people on Earth, I still wouldn’t date you. Humankind would die out. No repopulating the world fantasies.”
“Look, I am not your Fwuffy-wuffykins and would really appreciate it if you stopped sending these pictures to me. I am not your girlfriend.”
“You probably should have told me you were married, I don’t know, five hours ago. And no, I am not “in the mood” anymore.”
“I would definitely call you an Ugly Duckling to Swan story. You used to be really ugly but clearly you made some drastic changes in your life. Great work.”
“I am actually booked solid for the next four years, but yeah, I would love to hang out with you.”
"Every law should have a Cuddle Clause."
"Are you kidding me? I'd sell my own Grandma to make a buck. Heck, I'd sell her for 50 cents. Any takers?"
* See? It's not me! Believe me!
** This is apparently not what all of the kids are saying these days, but hey, it was worth a shot. Right?