Monday, November 5, 2012

Responding to the Troubling Questions of My Readers

Some events can change the very direction of one’s life. The other day, such an event occurred. Some gentleman asked me for an autograph. Oh sure, he was a cashier at Whole Foods and it was a credit card transaction, but it impacted me nonetheless. I dream of the day that someone does ask me for an autograph and that it makes that sheet of paper worth more, not less. In any case, I have been inundated with emails, real and fictitious, for weeks now, and it is time I responded to some of you guys in a more public forum. Names have been changed, cities have been made up, but the sheer insanity of some of you, I hope, still comes through. Look, I love you guys, but some of you scare the crap of me. Without further ado*:



“Dude, you suck. Seriously. The only thing yur gud at is spelllling. Your posts suck. Did I mention you suck? You do. Angry Rose Bushes sucks. I hope you go thru life sucking. You probably suck at ushering too.” - Tiny Tim (Tally Teddy Tuesday, Texas)

Dear Tim, you’re wrong. I am awesome at ushing. That’s why the fictitious National Ushing Association declared me Greatest Usher in the World. Everything else, well, you bring up some good points. - Josh (The basement in my parents’ house)

“Hi Josh, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I’m wondering if we should break up. I just found out he doesn’t want kids and I want 7. He also says he hates your blog, you might know him as Tiny Tim (take a guess what he’s referring too ;) ). What should I do? I’m scared because what if no one else loves me?” - Taylor Teagarden (Ticklish Tortoise, Toronto)

Dear Taylor, well, first of all, Ah ha! I am on to you, Tiny Tim! Secondly, 5 years? 5 years? Do you know how many times people get married and divorced over a 5-year period? Kim Kardashian is about to be on her third marriage and none of them lasted 5 months. Heck, one didn’t last 5 days. Hopefully Snooki's engagement will end in the next five minutes so I can start dating her. In any case, when exactly was this going to come up? When you guys get together, what do you talk about? When you told me he hated my blog, that was it for me. It is a legitimate concern that no one will ever love you again, so you might just want to stay with him to be sure. If you do need a rebound, though, I am tentatively available. - Josh (Still in the basement)



Does Snooki's engagement need to end now so I can date her?
Image from: http://madamenoire.com/121742/the-most-hated-part-two-celeb-women/snooki-3/


“I wanted to let you know how awesome you are and how much I want to give you a giant hug. What should I do?” - Mat** (Hernon Mills, Illinois)

Hello gentleman who I pray is not Nat, well, you could add me on Facebook or like the Angry Rose Bushes page on Facebook and stalk me until we “accidentally” run into each other. I would only be a little suspicious. - Josh (Pacing around...still in the basement)

“How do we know these are actually questions and you’re not just making all of them up to take up space?” - Angry (Angry, Arizona)

Uh...trust me? You know what, on second thought, that's probably the worst advice I've ever given. Question everything. Maybe we should give our houses to the fish and we should live in the sea so they can fish for us? Maybe instead of kissing, we should lick each others' backs.  - Josh (Eating my feelings with organic food, still in the basement)

"You are a genius! I took your advice from your 5 Ways to Survive the Workplace post and started flirting hardcore with my boss. I am now his boss. You rock!" Nora Nosington (Living the Good Life)

Hey Nora, well, I am slightly concerned, nay, I am deeply, deeply worried about your email. That was total sarcasm, you weren't actually supposed to try to get ahead by being seductive. I am also slightly curious about the difference between hardcore and soft-core flirting, but I think for my own good, you shouldn't tell me.*** - Josh (Scared half to death, but still stuffing my face)


* If you would like to email me a 10-page email with all of your problems, of if you just want to chat, you can hit me up at AngryRoseBushes AT Gmail DOT Com. 

** I, too, am troubled by how many gentlemen would like to get in contact with me. If you are a woman and would like to contact and/or stalk me, I would recommend finding out what I want in a woman from this post and what you can expect from me. You may also want to sharpen your first date skills here . Also, a little bit of Facebook stalking couldn’t hurt.

*** Unfortunately, she did tell me what the difference is and it is really scary. For future reference, please do not flirt with the boss to get ahead as it is probably illegal. You are to stay at your current place on the corporate ladder no matter what.

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. This is actually your second mention, although the first time was crediting you for the idea. As far as "Mat's" email goes, I will take affection from wherever I can get it.

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