Sunday, November 11, 2012

Defining the Perfect Woman

If there is one thing everyone should know by now, it is that with anything regarding relationships, I am here to do one of two things: help you immensely or send you off on a wild good chase. Today, I plan on doing the former. Too often, women spend their Saturdays watching chick flicks wondering, “what do men want in a woman? Aren’t I awesome?”* I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that no, you are not the perfect woman, but the good news is that this post will help you become that woman. Any woman who is not exactly like the one I describe below will inevitably be dateless and depressed. That’s right. Remember when you were growing up and everyone always used to say “every woman is a snowflake, special in her own way.” Unfortunately, they were just being nice. In reality, only one woman is “the perfect woman.” I’ll give you a hint, Chanel Blanch.

1. DTC - Down To Cuddle

That’s right. This is number one. If there were a number zero, this would be it. We say we want the hottest woman in the world with the perfect body and an amazing personality. Ladies, that is merely our rough exterior. Inside, guys are softer than marshmallows with their oooey-gooey centers. Would you really respect us if we told you what we really wanted? Well, I am willing to risk my masculinity to tell you. All we really want is an amazing cuddler. We want to get into bed with you, pull you close to our chest, and talk about our feelings nonstop. The perfect woman would listen intently, tell the guy how good he is at cuddling, and ensure the guy feels safe about sharing his innermost secrets. If you have this down, you’re good to go. If you don’t, then whatever else you do won’t matter.

2. The Look/The Clothes**

The Perfect Woman looks at herself in the mirror every morning, ideally more than 10 times, and tells herself how awesome she looks, because she does look awesome. She doesn’t have anything in her closet that makes her look bad***, she wakes up every morning to put on $300 worth of makeup and do her hair. She doesn’t have to wake up early for breakfast because breakfast is always a piece of fruit, raw broccoli, or some other vegetable that not only is full of nutritional value, but is also very low-calorie and tastes positively terrible. Food that tastes good such as cookies, cakes, sugar, and pizza, are for those of us who aren’t very attractive. She has dark hair and is shorter than us by a couple of inches. If you’re blonde or a redhead, I would get on that, and fast.

3. Femininity, Please

How will we know you’re a woman unless you hit us over the head with it? We need pink and purple. Everyday. I am talking bows in your hair, high-pitched voice at all times, and being extremely girly. That stuff is like catnip for guys. She knows that, as a woman, her role is to cook, clean, take care of the house, and encourage her man to fulfill his dreams. It doesn’t all have to be restrictive. Guys love moms and being cared for. Your truly, in particular.***** There’s nothing like a woman pinching your cheeks and talking in a baby voice to set the mood.

The Correct Answer: Michelle Branch. Pretending to play the guitar while wearing skinny jeans? More please.
Image From:

4. Cleanliness

The Perfect Woman values cleanliness. Her room does not look like a tornado hit it. Her car should look and smell nice and not have stuff from 1991 in it. Her bathroom should not have tampons and pregnancy tests strewn about.**** Ideally, she has showered more than once in the past three months. She does not use perfume to mask the fact that she doesn’t like to shower.

5. Personality

Stereotypically, guys do not care about a woman’s personality. Here at Angry Rose Bushes, we are firmly entrenched in gender roles and stereotypes from 1913, so no, guys do not care nearly as much about personality as everything else on this list, but it does matter. Guys want a caring woman who is generally a nice person. She is nice to animals and small children. She has not harmed any of her past boyfriends in any measurable way, is not skilled with any kind of deadly weapon, and is not the type to get enraged over small things like cheating on her or cuddling with other women. She is extremely confident in her abilities and has a high self-esteem.

This picture screams "I have a personality! And look how amazing I look expressing it!"
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6. Money

Remember back in the day when I said we only reinforce stereotypes here? Well, in just one paragraph, I have changed my mind. Conventional wisdom says women are gold diggers, but one of life’s best kept secrets is that guys actually want a rich woman more than women want a rich guy. We don’t care how she got her money, well, alright, one or two “professions” might not make us too happy, but we will love a woman for being incredibly rich. That means we get to stay home all day and do absolutely nothing. It also means we can afford 10 kids. Who wants to work anyway? Not us.

I’m not saying this is a perfect list, but I would definitely date this theoretical woman and propose to her on the third date.

So, did I nail it? Was I way off on anything? Hit me up in the comments section.

* If you were that awesome, you would have hundreds of dates and daily marriage proposals. How do I know that I’m awesome? Well, a 75-year old woman hit on me the other day right in front of her husband. Her husband had to pull her away. Her name is Ethel. I’ll admit it, I flirted back.

** Didn’t I just say that looks and personality doesn’t matter very much? I did. However, without looking your best and using that stuff to pull him in, how will he ever discover your amazing cuddling ability? Women seem to think their looks are everything, but in reality, your cuddling is everything, but it is everything else that causes us to find out about your cuddling.

*** To see what I mean by this in a serious and healthy way, check out The Bird Days blog for a woman who knows how to put together a wardrobe. See her Wonder Woman shirt? That’s because The Perfect Woman is so rare, she’s actually a superhero of sorts. Jennie knows what’s up.

**** And it definitely should not have positive pregnancy tests with names and numbers of guys on them...don’t ask.

***** My Mom is my best friend. There, I said it.


  1. What if you have whole binders full of women, oh Great Swami?

  2. For you, I still suggest a body pillow, in Japan they have girl faces painted on them. I research for you my friend.

    I am not on my cell phone anymore and that's a very long link....
    I also realized maybe you should get into SIMS and create the girl of your dreams as I'm convinced one does not exist in real life.