Sunday, November 18, 2012

Defining the Perfect Man

Is Channing Tatum The Perfect Man? Not according to the women I talked to.
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Let’s flashback four days. I was planning a companion post for my “The Perfect Woman” entry, but I had zilch. Actually, I had less than zilch. I figured it was going to be a bad post that no one would read and we would all move on. In other words, I was screwed. Then everything changed. I opened up the floor to women. Wow. I was and am still absolutely blown away by the responses I got. Guys, we’ve got some serious work to do. These women blasted me with more responses than I have ever received. So what do women define as “the perfect man?” Let’s find out:

Legal Notice: As usual, if you are under 18, please do not read this post. Thank you in advance.

1. Have the “Right” Tool(s)

Do you want to know which gender is more sexual? I’ll tell you, it’s women, and it’s not close. How do I know this? When I did the post on The Perfect Woman, not one guy mentioned anything even remotely sexual. For this one? Virtually every single woman mentioned sex. In fact, two specifically mentioned the right type of “tool” they desire a man to have. Surprisingly, both were so different in their descriptions* that it’s impossible throw out what exactly The Perfect Man might be packing. Anyway, in case you were wondering, “it” does matter. A lot.

2. Be Good at Sex or Die

The Perfect Man is not a selfish lover and he puts the needs and desires of the woman before himself. This was a common theme throughout the correspondences. Women want a man who cares if she is satisfied in the bedroom, end of story. One woman even told me she would not hesitate to cheat on a selfish lover. She went on to say that, no matter what else he had going for him, if he couldn’t please her in the bedroom, she would kick him to the curb. Another stated The Perfect Man would give favors and not expect anything in return. If you are a selfish lover and are currently in a relationship, I can assure you your woman is currently being some other guy. How should you cure your disease of being a selfish lover? Easy. Don’t do anything with a woman, not even a hug, for 10 years. After 10 years, a Genie will appear and grant you three wishes. Trust me.

3. Have an Awesome Life Plan

As we have discovered through numbers 1 and 2, women love talking about sex all the time. For us guys, that is downright troubling. We just want to cuddle, right? And women just look at us as sex objects. Life is unfortunately not fair. Anyway, another common theme traced through every single message was that women want their Perfect Man to have a plan for his life. You don’t have to be a millionaire right now, but you have to know where you’re going in life and make sure your woman is excited about it. She’ll want to come along for the ride. How to do this? Have an exciting plan. Be ambitious. Want to write the World’s Greatest Blog and outline a plan to declare yourself The World’s Greatest Usher? Women will love you! What about solving world hunger and ending disease in Africa? While not as cool as being The World’s Greatest Usher, it’s not a bad start. In other words, if you have a degree in something completely idiotic and are planning on living in your parents’ basement for the next 10 years, women probably won’t love you.**

4. Know What You Believe In

The Perfect Man knows what he stands for. It’s not anything specific. Maybe you like evil, pigs, and ticklish porcupines. That’s cool. Maybe you stand for fairness, ensuring the women you date feel safe all the time, and promoting joy in the world. While not as cool as having a pig as a pet or finding a ticklish porcupine, those values matter to women. If you don’t know what you believe in, how can a women support you? She’s effectively supporting nothing.

5. Lead

I’ll admit, I aggregated all of the responses and added this one myself. The Perfect Man knows how to lead his woman. When he feels she wants to be kissed, he doesn’t ask, he brushes her hair back from her face and kisses her. In the movie theater, he appropriately pretends to yawn and then puts his arm around her. He opens car doors and makes sure she gets home safely if she drives herself home.*** If you are still uttering sentences such as, “uhh...can I, like, kiss you, like, please?” Find a fwuffy**** pillow, whack yourself in the head with it, and then call me in the morning. If pillow therapy doesn’t work, I would recommend buying 12 cats.

So, women, are you all really that simple to figure out? Did I miss anything? Are you guys really this sex-obsessed? Let me know in the comments or by email!

* And yes, they did both describe them in detail. I could have done with less detail, but it was kind of like a train wreck, I couldn’t stop reading.

** Not that I would know or anything. Women love me. Well, at least my Mom does...usually.

*** Especially when one lives in a dangerous place such as my home town. We have no rats in my city, because the rats know they can do better. There isn’t a hospital, either, because the state of Illinois decided long ago that if someone lives in my town, that they’re probably not worth saving anyway. The nearest legitimate hospital is 30 minutes away.

**** That’s right, fwuffy! It’s different than fluffy.


  1. I hate to correct you, but Condell is less than 30 minutes away from where you live.

    So...I am going to assume that all of this was directed at me and what I should do, yes?

  2. Usher, let me be blunt, he's danced his way into my heart quite literally, like a doormat I take his love. I know you didn't mention him, but I imagined Usher beings part of your blog anyway.