Monday, October 29, 2012

Sex Secrets

Very rare is it that a blogger with only five committed readers has a chance to change the world. Well, my time has come. After reading this post, you will be able to toss out your copy of the Kama Sutra, get rid of your subscription to Cosmo, and stop watching porn forever. Man, I better get to that list before I dig myself any deeper into this hole of high expectations. This, unsurprisingly, will be split up between men and women. However, I would highly, highly, recommend sneaking a peek at the other sex’s list.

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read if you are under 18 years of age or it is illegal for you to view this in your area. Thank you.


1. When He Goes In For The Kiss

We have discussed how men are a lot like kangaroos, but in this case, you need to play hard to get. He’s trying to kiss you, not the other way around. So, to keep intrigue high, smack him in the lips when his mouth is most vulnerable. Don’t punch him in the lips like you would a shark, just a playful smack that says “hey, not so fast, cupcake.” He’ll love you more for it.

2. It’s All About The “C” Word

Do you want to know why so many relationships end? It’s not why you think. It’s because women are not very good at the “C” word. I am, of course, talking about cuddling. Back in my day before fire had been discovered, women knew how to cuddle. Now, all of you are atrocious at it, and that is putting it nicely. You can’t lay there like a lifeless log and call it cuddling. Men don’t want to lay in bed naked with you, we want to hold you close and talk about our feelings. The fact that so many women are so bad at this is what makes us cheat. If you can’t cuddle, we’ll get someone in who will.

3. The Light Switch

Please, when you’re getting ready to have some fun, keep the lights on. We want to see what you actually look like. Would you like to know what we’re thinking if you want every light in the city turned off before you take off your sweater? This is our exact in-head conversation, “wow, she must have every guy she sleeps with sign his name in Sharpie like a freakin’ yearbook on her stomach and she doesn’t want me to see.” Don’t be a yearbook, keep the lights on. If your past trysts have signed their names in Sharpie, make sure to invest in Magic Markers or pencils.

4. When He Won’t Make a Move

First, if you’re with a guy who, despite you throwing condoms in his face, won’t even get close to initiating sex, text me so I can buy a pie and throw it in his face. In actuality, you just have to keep pushing. If you initiate sex, well, our minds will go a million miles a minute wondering why you’re being so forward. However, you can drop “subtle” hints such as showing up to his house naked, or something. Remember, subtlety beats blunt every time. Check here for some fun ideas.

Women, as a general piece of advice, make sure to get the "over the shoulder" look down.

1. Plan The Day

Always, always be ready. It is your job, as the man, to do absolutely everything. Plan the day, make sure she feels comfortable, and transition from there. And yes, this is all going down at your house. Do not, do not, do not, do not have sex at her house the first, second, fifth, or sixth times. Trust me, her house is a mess, stuff is thrown everywhere, and she hasn’t washed a dish since 2010. Besides, at your house, you have home field advantage.

2. Wrap That Rascal

I pray you know what I mean by this. I know I have historically said, “sex is supposed to be free,” but, well, it can’t be. The hottest thing in 2012 is pregnancy. It used to be women would lose 20 pounds or buy new clothes, but this year, they’re getting knocked up. It’s a fad. If you don’t want an 18-year commitment of your own*, I would suggest ensuring you don’t get anyone pregnant. Perhaps you swear off sex for the next two months and wait for 2013? It wouldn’t be a bad idea. Just know that if your woman hasn’t had a kid this year, well, she only has two months left to get one. Look alive out there.

3. Evaluate Her

While you’re doing the deed, you should not just be thinking about other women and what you want to eat for dinner.** Everyone wants to know how they did, so feel free to rank her on a 10-point scale and compare her to other girls you’ve been with in order to tell her what she can do better. If you don’t tell her what she did wrong, she’ll keep doing it and that would be horrible.

4. Set the Rules

Before it gets hot and heavy, make sure to sit her down and discuss the do’s and don’t’s. What do you definitely want and definitely want to never see? Ask her the same thing. For example, my rules are the following: I do not like to be punched, kicked, or aggressively licked. I don’t like being scratched, bitten, or tied up.*** Your guidelines may vary.


Look, there can only be one desirable person in a relationship, it is your job to be that person.**** You must do this by playing hard to get and being generally awesome in every measurable way. This is why all relationships are essentially wars. You’re both competing to be desirable but only one person can win.

It is your job to tell every potential and current lover how good you are in the bedroom. If you don’t tell them, how will they know? Those who talk and brag the most have the best sex lives.

Remember, above all else, have fun! This is supposed to be a low pressure, relaxing exercise.***** Make the most out of it and ensure that your partner does as well and everything will be fine...or it will end up horrendously with crying, scratches, and bruised lips. The choice is yours!

* Also known as a “kid” or “child.” That’s right. After 18-years, they’re on their own. Heck, I say that’s pretty generous. Other animals give their young far less time.

** Someone I am very close to used to mentally name all of the U.S. Senators. Congress was a turn on for this gentleman.        

*** I don’t care what anyone says, that stuff hurts. No, it does not matter if you’re “in the throes of passion,” scratch marks take a week to go away. Did I mention all of that stuff hurts?

**** There can definitely be a relationship with no desirable people in it. I have, unfortunately, been in my share of those.    

***** Unofficially burning 2 calories every three hours.

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