Ever wish a "reset" button for relationship history existed? Yeah, me neither. All of my past relationships have gone so well, why would I want to forget any of them? What follows is a summary of the last 14 “relationships” I have been a part of. I have "relationships" in quotes because not all of these are officially relationships in all 50 states. To keep it short, I have limited each response to three lines or less. I can imagine all of the questions you may have already: “Josh, why 14?” and “Josh, did all of these things actually happen?” The answers are: because 14 is a cool number. No, some of these things probably did not happen and I am probably making some of these up, but hey, try and figure out which are legitimate. These are both chronologically ordered and random at the same time.
SPOILER: Please notice a pattern among all of these scenarios. I am not the cause of any of these breakups. I am the victim in each case. Most importantly, I am never actually wrong.
1. She cheated on me with someone who was more attractive, smarter, and was on track for an actual job. Seriously, he had me beat in every single facet of life that is in any way meaningful.*
2. I was very busy crying about the fact that girl number one had cheated on me with someone who was so awesome. It didn’t make for a good time.
3. I found out she feasted on the hopes and dreams of children and she kept a journal of every man’s heart that she broke along the way. I am probably in her journal.
4. I found out she is a lesbian. It ended up being a problem. The girl she began dating shortly after wasn’t as attractive as I am, so I don’t know what her deal was.
5. She tried to impress me by showing me a chemistry experiment where she set herself on fire. The experiment failed and she was caught ablaze for a minute. I ran around in circles panicking and left without seeing her again.**
6. On the first date, she told me she had been suspended from school as a teenager a couple of times, once for punching a teacher. I looked at her, then looked at me, realized she could beat me down at any moment, and I broke it off.
7. She regaled me with tales of her wild and crazy party days when she hooked up with two guys at once and woke up the next morning still drunk. The problem? That day was the night before our first date.
8. I was hit with the unhappy news that she was actually married. She actually didn’t want the day to end. She told me “you look like you’ll be a way better lover than my husband.” Needless to say, she never got to find out.
9. She was way too nice and kept calling me “honey” and “sweetie.” That would have been okay had I been a dog, but I am not a dog.
10. Her and I were the same height, but she kept insisting on wearing high heels and high shoes everywhere. Come on, man, help me feel taller by wearing regular shoes.
11. She said she wanted to “watch a movie” together. We did and I actually watched the movie. Apparently she didn’t actually want to watch it. What’s worse? I cried at the ending and she didn’t. She was probably crying on the inside for a different reason.
12. She told me going out with me was going to make her boyfriend unbelievably jealous. I was unaware that she had a boyfriend. I was also unaware his nickname was “The Hammer.” I ran out of there so faster than cheetah chasing a chicken.
13. We went out and she barely said anything. She smiled a couple of times, but I may as well have been conversing with myself. I have had deeper conversations with paintings and trees. I don’t need philosophic insights, but any sign of life would be nice, even from a shy girl.
14. She actually tried kissing me first. Is this not America? Since when do women kiss men first? No freakin’ way. I, as the guy, am supposed to decide whether we kiss. If a woman makes that choice for me, then what separates us from the animals?
* In her defense, if I met a girl who was better than the girl I was dating at the time, I probably would have left her as well. I mean, can you say upgrade? And if she was more attractive, smarter, and was going to make millions of dollars? Heck, that is why cheating always makes so much sense. The grass is always greener on the other side.
** It’s a good thing that fire was put out. What exactly was I going to tell 911? “Uh...there’s a girl on fire right in front of me. She set herself on fire to try and make me love her.” Even I wouldn’t believe that and I was there!