Sunday, October 14, 2012

Halloween Horror Story

Actually, the true horror story would be you missing this week’s blog entry. By the end of this post, you will be armed with the most dangerous weapon in the world - information. Unfortunately, people too often go into this holiday not knowing what they should be trying to achieve or trying to avoid. Luckily for you, I have decided those things for everyone. For those of you in relationships, Halloween has a 100% chance of impacting it in some way.* Without further adieu, let’s once again segregate by gender in handing out more tips:


Don’t Touch the Candy!: Your relationship is currently 15 pounds away from ending. On Halloween, guys will throw every single type of candy your way to see if you eat the whole bag. If you eat all of this “free” candy, we’ll be gone faster than you can say “but honey, I wuv you!”** When guys get together around Halloween, we’re all asking each other “did she go for it, man?” Unfortunately, too many women do. Don’t be a victim.

How much should you wear?
: Books have been written about women dressing up for Halloween. They all talk at length about how women dress far too conservatively and wear trench coats out. Seriously, though, match how much skin you show with what your goals are for the evening:
Going out in a bra = down to cuddle! (DTC - if I can say that)
Going out in a sweater that is three sizes too big and sweat pants = 12 cats and loneliness in your future.***
Somewhere in-between is what you’re going for unless you have a specific goal in mind.

What Costume Should You Pick?
: I say irony is the new black. If, like a girl I once dated, you are pure evil and eat the hopes and dreams of small children for breakfast****, go as a Victoria’s Secret Angel or something to that effect. If you are syrupy sweet and you make rainbows appear when you smile, go for something evil. If you have absolutely no personality to speak of, a cat is a good stand-by. Ideally, though, you'll go with my personal favorite costume, Snooki. As an added bonus,***** the likelihood of me dating you goes up by an astonishing 87%.


It’s Good to be a Guy: I don’t have to tell you about the candy rule. Luckily, women don’t like us for our bodies, so feel free to eat as much candy as you possibly can. As long as it doesn’t impact your personality, which women actually care about, go for it. As everyone knows, the dressing up part is for the women while eating 20 pounds of candy is for the guys.

Help Her Help You: Look, we all know women love candy, but we have to help them not eat it. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, hide all of the candy. All of it. Where the candy should be, place salad dressing packets and coupons for bags of salad. If she asks, “Honey muffin, where is all the candy?” You respond, without skipping a beat, “uh, we’re actually giving out salad dressing packets this year. And when we run out of those, we’re giving out slices of bread.” On Halloween, make sure to put out a bowl of candy and she’ll never know.

Costumes?: Admittedly, in this respect, I have absolutely nothing. Subsequent Google searches also came up with nothing. The only out-of-the-box item I can recommend is wearing what you normally wear but throw on a pair of sunglasses and walk around very suspiciously all night. It could work.


The All-Encompassing Halloween Rule: This is perhaps the most important part of Halloween. For one night, in this year’s case since it falls on a Weekday, it will be for one weekend, all relationships are null and void. Seriously. Marriages? Consider it a one-day vacation. Serious relationships? She’ll be there in the morning...probably. If your spouse takes issue with this set in stone rule, shoot them a link to this blog. It will solve everything. Make sure to take advantage of the one night/weekend a year you can do anything.

Happy Halloween!

* It could either make it better, worse, or everything can stay the same. Since people try and either do too much or not enough, Halloween will probably wreak havoc on your relationship. Happy Halloween!

** You’re not really saying that, are you? We’re guys. We don’t need love, affection, or someone who we actually even like. What we really care about is: are you someone we want to cuddle with? If not, you’re a goner, especially after you’ve finished off that bag of M&M’s.
*** It doesn’t actually have to be a lonely future since I am a cat fan and we could date, but then you would be dating me and that arguably isn’t much better than living alone with 20 cats for the rest of your life.

**** That’s not cruel. The truth never hurts. Now, it would be cruel if I told you her name was Lauren. Come on, though, look at what she ate for breakfast each morning! Do you know what she ate for dessert? The feelings of men, most notably yours truly. ‘Nuff said.

***** or something to avoid at all costs. 


  1. Clint from Flint, MIOctober 14, 2012 at 9:54 PM

    Are you going to do a post for what to do on Thanksgiving? Besides watching the Lions

    1. Surprisingly, yes, I am. I am brainstorming for a post titled "How to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner (or Break)." I'm not sure what will come of it, but for sure. If this blog is still around for Valentine's Day, then you know I will have something for that.

      Glad to hear you're a Lions fan. That's exactly what I plan on doing this Thanksgiving.

  2. I certainly hope your new logo is my face

    1. My logo is still the white flag, which is arguably not as good as your face.

    2. I think my face would be perfect for your blog since I was the one who pestered you into doing a blog. Also, it would be somewhat self-effacing, like your blog can be at times.