Look, what I am about to say is not meant to hurt you. As your Facebook friend, I care about you. Not enough to see you in person or, you know, make plans to get together, but I care enough to try to reach out and save you from yourself. All of you. Even me. This post is about things you’re doing on Facebook that you shouldn’t be doing or things you aren’t doing but should highly consider. Don’t think about these suggestions, just do them. I’m probably right. I haven’t been wrong in years.
You’re Too Friendly: Stop that: Look, you have too many friends. You post too many revealing things that too many people see. You have to delete friends and probably block them. Your great grandfather can’t stand looking at pictures of you kissing three guys at once while downing an excessive amount of...shall we say, festively colored liquids.* Heck, I can’t even take it. Poor guy. I sometimes go overboard on this. I block exes, my brother, all family members, Jewish girls who ask when we’re going to get married on the first date, etc. You should do the same.
Don’t Lie to Facebook: Look, if you lie to Facebook, you corrupt the universe. I was a victim of this.** If you lie on Facebook, the rest of us who stalk your Facebook will start spreading rumors and talking about you behind your back based on that information. If you lie on Facebook, then it throws everyone off. If we can’t trust Facebook, then who can we trust?
It’s Complicated? Tell Me About It: Look, I get that your relationship has hit a rough patch, but don’t leave me in the freakin’ dark about it. I’m not close enough to ask you personally, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. I need you to post, as a status, every last detail. Did she cheat on you? Was she not as attractive once you saw her in the light? Did she realize that you’re not actually a 25-year old businessman but actually a movie theater usher?*** If you don’t tell us, then we start fantasizing, and you don’t want us to start putting together the pieces on our own.
You Need a Bikini Picture: Look, women. If you don’t have one, you need one. A picture of you in a shirt that is two sizes too small can be substituted in some cases. All of us guys are sitting around our computers hitting “refresh” waiting for someone to post a bikini shot. When you do, we snap into action with phrases such as “wow, you’re sexy” and “ur liek hott.” When you see that, you’re supposed to think “really? I’m hot?” and then you fall in love with us. If we post on every single bikini picture out there, one of the women out there is bound to fall for us. They have to. There aren’t a lot of great guys out there so most of you eventually are going to have to settle for one of us!****
Go Shirtless: We’re not out of the woods, guys. Women want to see pictures wear we take our shirts off. Trust me, I’m a blogger. This rule does not apply to me, since Mark Zuckerberg preemptively sent me a letter stating that if I take a shirtless picture, then he will shut down my Facebook personally, but it applies to every other guy out there. How will women know how attractive you are unless you show them via Facebook? Exactly. You know every single woman is sitting around waiting to pounce on the first shirtless guy she sees. Be the first guy she sees.
Posting Pictures of Everything Except One Important Person, Yourself: Look, I am guilty of this, but all of us have to stop before it gets any more serious. We sit down and post thousands of pictures of various objects, buildings, and football players, and yet, when someone wants to stalk our collective Facebooks’, they only want to see us. Your ex wants to see how much weight you’ve put on and how ugly you’ve gotten since you two broke up.***** Your Grandmother doesn’t actually want to see you, but she wants to see what you look like. All of your friends who you haven’t seen in years want to see what you’re up to and see if you’re lonely and miserable. Don’t disappoint all of us with millions of pictures of buildings and lakes.
Make Yourself Heard: People are too shy on the internet. No one says what they think. You need to be heard. Why do you hate cabbage? What did you eat for breakfast? Please, tell me every single one of your political views, I am dying to know. Instead, it is all dead air. What happened to opinions? The only one who actually posts the hardcore truth is a woman I shall call Rania. The rest of you are not posting your true feelings.
So, did I nail your Facebook habits? Do you know of anyone who does these things? Perhaps you would like to post what happened when you posted a bikini picture? Let me know in the comments section.
* There is a girl, let’s call her Nicole, who posts the most revealing things you will ever see anywhere. Yet, she has her entire family tree on Facebook. Want to know what the tissue looks like after she sneezes? How about how many guys she “was with” with last Saturday? Maybe you’re curious about her “Lady issues?” You’re in luck! They’re all on Facebook. No need to stop posting those things, just block the rest of us from seeing them.
** There was a girl, let’s call her Kendra, who told me I was her “perfect man.” I went to stalk her Facebook as everyone should be doing and I found out she was “interested in” men. Great! I’m a man. Unfortunately, she was lying on her Facebook. She is a lesbian. I was crushed. Get it? She was being ironic. Her “perfect man” is a woman. Ha...ha...ha... While she should have went on a pity date with me anyway, her real crime was lying on Facebook and telling the world she was interested in men.
***Don’t virtually look at me like that. I can feel you staring right through me across the internet. I am only throwing out one completely innocuous example. This isn’t what I do in my spare time. I am honest about my career. Women love the broom and dust pan combination on a man.
**** BWA ha ha ha ha!
***** Be warned that this can backfire. My ex, who I will once again refer to as Michelle*, has not only maintained her attractiveness, but she has actually bested me in every single category known to man. It’s a good thing there is no competition between Exes about who is doing better, because if there was, she’d be kicking the crap out of me.
* Can a footnote have a footnote? You better believe it can. As you may recall from a footnote back in this post, I refer to every single girl I’ve ever dated as “Michelle” because I want to prepare myself to date Michelle Branch when the time presents itself and she realizes I am better than her husband in every measurable way.