Sunday, October 21, 2012

5 Ways to Spice Up Your Workplace

After a while, work is not exciting. It’s the same thing over and over again. Why clean? Everything just gets dirty again. Why stock everything? It’ll just get sold. The list goes on. Naturally, all of us are looking for ways to make work more exciting. Back in my day, this included replacing our stone tablets with cash registers and speaking English instead of Latin. In 2012, I am happy to say there are better ways to add excitement to one’s work day. Below, I present five such ways.

WARNING/Legal Disclaimer: What follows is informational/satirical and not to be taken literally. The author cannot take responsibility for following this advice as it is likely frowned upon in all 50 states. Please do not attempt anything that follows at any point, ever. Thank you.

1. Rank the Attractiveness of Everyone You Work With

Heck, have everyone make a list and share. Trust me, the top 5 will generally be agreed upon. To make it more dramatic and sexually suggestive, have all of the girls rank the guys and vice-versa and then compare. This does so many shady things at once. It makes people feel good and bad all while passing the time. This works even better if there is a couple at the office. Obviously, if they’re honest with themselves, they will think someone else is hotter. The lists make for conversations that will span weeks. As a general rule of good karma, I would not recommend scanning and posting these lists to the internet, nor making a blog post about how you did this at your place of employment.*

2. Rank Everyone By Personality

Alright, so that last exercise ended a couple of relationships and caused massive turmoil among everyone you work with, right? Time to raise the stakes and make your workplace even more like Jersey Shore. Nobody in the real world actually cares how sexy someone else is, what it really comes down to is personality. Those of us who have fantastic personalities** should not be penalized because we’re not very attractive and haven’t been in a relationship since before smart phones were invented.*** Obviously, personality is the most important part of anyone. Do the same as #1, but only include personality. Perhaps the most beautiful person at the office uses the tears of others to brew their coffee in the morning? You know how they say the hot ones are always insane? Well, here you’ll get to put a number to it.

3. Become The Rumor Mill

I am not one for rumors, but I have heard people talk at work. For the sake of fun, you must become the Kingpin of idle chat-chit. Whenever someone is talking about someone else’s business, you’ll be there. Whenever someone changes their Facebook relationship status, you’ll get an update. And when anything of any importance occurs, you’ll be the first to know. Pretty soon, you’ll know everything about everyone. That’s when you spring into action. You become the power broker and people fear your sharp tongue. Not only that, but think about all of the excitement all of this knowledge will bring you! Sure, a lot won’t get done and you’ll be exhausted from all of the gossiping, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

4. Kiss-Up to the Boss

Moving up the corporate ladder is priority one. Everyone loves someone who laughs at all of their jokes, compliments them every five minutes, and agrees with them about everything****, thus, to get promoted, you must do all of these things everyday. If you have a choice between working and brown nosing, well, one will get you promoted, and the other will make you more productive. Choose wisely.

5. Get Into a Workplace Relationship

My final idea is also the most risky. With great risk, comes great responsibility...or something. Ideally, you get into a romantic relationship with a workplace power broker, flaunt the relationship until you can’t do it anymore, and post tons and tons of kissing pictures on Facebook. If that doesn’t get you promoted, I don’t know what will. Of course, if you break-up with said person, work will become like kissing a porcupine every single day. Like I said, high-risk, high-reward. But man, when this blows up in your face, it really gets you. Good Luck!

* Ahem, this is more of a “do as I say, not as I do,” rule.

** Such as Yours truly, of course.

*** Unfortunately, this may also be me.

**** Women who want to date me, take note.

Original Image found here:

Thank you to Nat Brautigam for the concept of this post.


  1. Here are my comments:
    You, sir, are far and away #3
    #1 sounds recently familiar. Hmm...
    You forgot #6: do the dirty business at work and talk about it
    Oh, and, I feel honored to have inspired this post :) I have accomplished something in life and thus can die happy
    But...where's "Pat"?

  2. This blog has ended my engagment as well as forced me to realise that I myself was the butt of the rumor mill and I wasn't even at work. I was out of comission for six weeks for my injury, and that was a broken heart. Also, congratulations on your soon to be Jewish child with Lauren, also Jewish.