Monday, October 29, 2012

Sex Secrets

Very rare is it that a blogger with only five committed readers has a chance to change the world. Well, my time has come. After reading this post, you will be able to toss out your copy of the Kama Sutra, get rid of your subscription to Cosmo, and stop watching porn forever. Man, I better get to that list before I dig myself any deeper into this hole of high expectations. This, unsurprisingly, will be split up between men and women. However, I would highly, highly, recommend sneaking a peek at the other sex’s list.

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read if you are under 18 years of age or it is illegal for you to view this in your area. Thank you.

Women

1. When He Goes In For The Kiss


We have discussed how men are a lot like kangaroos, but in this case, you need to play hard to get. He’s trying to kiss you, not the other way around. So, to keep intrigue high, smack him in the lips when his mouth is most vulnerable. Don’t punch him in the lips like you would a shark, just a playful smack that says “hey, not so fast, cupcake.” He’ll love you more for it.

2. It’s All About The “C” Word


Do you want to know why so many relationships end? It’s not why you think. It’s because women are not very good at the “C” word. I am, of course, talking about cuddling. Back in my day before fire had been discovered, women knew how to cuddle. Now, all of you are atrocious at it, and that is putting it nicely. You can’t lay there like a lifeless log and call it cuddling. Men don’t want to lay in bed naked with you, we want to hold you close and talk about our feelings. The fact that so many women are so bad at this is what makes us cheat. If you can’t cuddle, we’ll get someone in who will.

3. The Light Switch


Please, when you’re getting ready to have some fun, keep the lights on. We want to see what you actually look like. Would you like to know what we’re thinking if you want every light in the city turned off before you take off your sweater? This is our exact in-head conversation, “wow, she must have every guy she sleeps with sign his name in Sharpie like a freakin’ yearbook on her stomach and she doesn’t want me to see.” Don’t be a yearbook, keep the lights on. If your past trysts have signed their names in Sharpie, make sure to invest in Magic Markers or pencils.

4. When He Won’t Make a Move

First, if you’re with a guy who, despite you throwing condoms in his face, won’t even get close to initiating sex, text me so I can buy a pie and throw it in his face. In actuality, you just have to keep pushing. If you initiate sex, well, our minds will go a million miles a minute wondering why you’re being so forward. However, you can drop “subtle” hints such as showing up to his house naked, or something. Remember, subtlety beats blunt every time. Check here for some fun ideas.

Women, as a general piece of advice, make sure to get the "over the shoulder" look down.
From: www.appworld.co
Guys

1. Plan The Day


Always, always be ready. It is your job, as the man, to do absolutely everything. Plan the day, make sure she feels comfortable, and transition from there. And yes, this is all going down at your house. Do not, do not, do not, do not have sex at her house the first, second, fifth, or sixth times. Trust me, her house is a mess, stuff is thrown everywhere, and she hasn’t washed a dish since 2010. Besides, at your house, you have home field advantage.

2. Wrap That Rascal

I pray you know what I mean by this. I know I have historically said, “sex is supposed to be free,” but, well, it can’t be. The hottest thing in 2012 is pregnancy. It used to be women would lose 20 pounds or buy new clothes, but this year, they’re getting knocked up. It’s a fad. If you don’t want an 18-year commitment of your own*, I would suggest ensuring you don’t get anyone pregnant. Perhaps you swear off sex for the next two months and wait for 2013? It wouldn’t be a bad idea. Just know that if your woman hasn’t had a kid this year, well, she only has two months left to get one. Look alive out there.

3. Evaluate Her

While you’re doing the deed, you should not just be thinking about other women and what you want to eat for dinner.** Everyone wants to know how they did, so feel free to rank her on a 10-point scale and compare her to other girls you’ve been with in order to tell her what she can do better. If you don’t tell her what she did wrong, she’ll keep doing it and that would be horrible.

4. Set the Rules

Before it gets hot and heavy, make sure to sit her down and discuss the do’s and don’t’s. What do you definitely want and definitely want to never see? Ask her the same thing. For example, my rules are the following: I do not like to be punched, kicked, or aggressively licked. I don’t like being scratched, bitten, or tied up.*** Your guidelines may vary.


Gender-Neutral

Look, there can only be one desirable person in a relationship, it is your job to be that person.**** You must do this by playing hard to get and being generally awesome in every measurable way. This is why all relationships are essentially wars. You’re both competing to be desirable but only one person can win.

It is your job to tell every potential and current lover how good you are in the bedroom. If you don’t tell them, how will they know? Those who talk and brag the most have the best sex lives.

Remember, above all else, have fun! This is supposed to be a low pressure, relaxing exercise.***** Make the most out of it and ensure that your partner does as well and everything will be fine...or it will end up horrendously with crying, scratches, and bruised lips. The choice is yours!



* Also known as a “kid” or “child.” That’s right. After 18-years, they’re on their own. Heck, I say that’s pretty generous. Other animals give their young far less time.

** Someone I am very close to used to mentally name all of the U.S. Senators. Congress was a turn on for this gentleman.        

*** I don’t care what anyone says, that stuff hurts. No, it does not matter if you’re “in the throes of passion,” scratch marks take a week to go away. Did I mention all of that stuff hurts?

**** There can definitely be a relationship with no desirable people in it. I have, unfortunately, been in my share of those.    

***** Unofficially burning 2 calories every three hours.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

5 Ways to Spice Up Your Workplace

After a while, work is not exciting. It’s the same thing over and over again. Why clean? Everything just gets dirty again. Why stock everything? It’ll just get sold. The list goes on. Naturally, all of us are looking for ways to make work more exciting. Back in my day, this included replacing our stone tablets with cash registers and speaking English instead of Latin. In 2012, I am happy to say there are better ways to add excitement to one’s work day. Below, I present five such ways.

WARNING/Legal Disclaimer: What follows is informational/satirical and not to be taken literally. The author cannot take responsibility for following this advice as it is likely frowned upon in all 50 states. Please do not attempt anything that follows at any point, ever. Thank you.

1. Rank the Attractiveness of Everyone You Work With

Heck, have everyone make a list and share. Trust me, the top 5 will generally be agreed upon. To make it more dramatic and sexually suggestive, have all of the girls rank the guys and vice-versa and then compare. This does so many shady things at once. It makes people feel good and bad all while passing the time. This works even better if there is a couple at the office. Obviously, if they’re honest with themselves, they will think someone else is hotter. The lists make for conversations that will span weeks. As a general rule of good karma, I would not recommend scanning and posting these lists to the internet, nor making a blog post about how you did this at your place of employment.*

2. Rank Everyone By Personality

Alright, so that last exercise ended a couple of relationships and caused massive turmoil among everyone you work with, right? Time to raise the stakes and make your workplace even more like Jersey Shore. Nobody in the real world actually cares how sexy someone else is, what it really comes down to is personality. Those of us who have fantastic personalities** should not be penalized because we’re not very attractive and haven’t been in a relationship since before smart phones were invented.*** Obviously, personality is the most important part of anyone. Do the same as #1, but only include personality. Perhaps the most beautiful person at the office uses the tears of others to brew their coffee in the morning? You know how they say the hot ones are always insane? Well, here you’ll get to put a number to it.

3. Become The Rumor Mill

I am not one for rumors, but I have heard people talk at work. For the sake of fun, you must become the Kingpin of idle chat-chit. Whenever someone is talking about someone else’s business, you’ll be there. Whenever someone changes their Facebook relationship status, you’ll get an update. And when anything of any importance occurs, you’ll be the first to know. Pretty soon, you’ll know everything about everyone. That’s when you spring into action. You become the power broker and people fear your sharp tongue. Not only that, but think about all of the excitement all of this knowledge will bring you! Sure, a lot won’t get done and you’ll be exhausted from all of the gossiping, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

4. Kiss-Up to the Boss

Moving up the corporate ladder is priority one. Everyone loves someone who laughs at all of their jokes, compliments them every five minutes, and agrees with them about everything****, thus, to get promoted, you must do all of these things everyday. If you have a choice between working and brown nosing, well, one will get you promoted, and the other will make you more productive. Choose wisely.

5. Get Into a Workplace Relationship

My final idea is also the most risky. With great risk, comes great responsibility...or something. Ideally, you get into a romantic relationship with a workplace power broker, flaunt the relationship until you can’t do it anymore, and post tons and tons of kissing pictures on Facebook. If that doesn’t get you promoted, I don’t know what will. Of course, if you break-up with said person, work will become like kissing a porcupine every single day. Like I said, high-risk, high-reward. But man, when this blows up in your face, it really gets you. Good Luck!





* Ahem, this is more of a “do as I say, not as I do,” rule.

** Such as Yours truly, of course.

*** Unfortunately, this may also be me.

**** Women who want to date me, take note.

Original Image found here: http://cdn.c.photoshelter.com/img-get/I0000ntjH3JFYFRE/s/600/600/NAPO-027219.jpg

Thank you to Nat Brautigam for the concept of this post.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Nitty Gritty Relationship History

Ever wish a "reset" button for relationship history existed? Yeah, me neither. All of my past relationships have gone so well, why would I want to forget any of them? What follows is a summary of the last 14 “relationships” I have been a part of. I have "relationships" in quotes because not all of these are officially relationships in all 50 states. To keep it short, I have limited each response to three lines or less. I can imagine all of the questions you may have already: “Josh, why 14?” and “Josh, did all of these things actually happen?” The answers are: because 14 is a cool number. No, some of these things probably did not happen and I am probably making some of these up, but hey, try and figure out which are legitimate. These are both chronologically ordered and random at the same time.
   
SPOILER: Please notice a pattern among all of these scenarios. I am not the cause of any of these breakups. I am the victim in each case. Most importantly, I am never actually wrong.


1. She cheated on me with someone who was more attractive, smarter, and was on track for an actual job. Seriously, he had me beat in every single facet of life that is in any way meaningful.*

2. I was very busy crying about the fact that girl number one had cheated on me with someone who was so awesome. It didn’t make for a good time.

3. I found out she feasted on the hopes and dreams of children and she kept a journal of every man’s heart that she broke along the way. I am probably in her journal.

4. I found out she is a lesbian. It ended up being a problem. The girl she began dating shortly after wasn’t as attractive as I am, so I don’t know what her deal was.

5. She tried to impress me by showing me a chemistry experiment where she set herself on fire. The experiment failed and she was caught ablaze for a minute. I ran around in circles panicking and left without seeing her again.**

6. On the first date, she told me she had been suspended from school as a teenager a couple of times, once for punching a teacher. I looked at her, then looked at me, realized she could beat me down at any moment, and I broke it off.

7. She regaled me with tales of her wild and crazy party days when she hooked up with two guys at once and woke up the next morning still drunk. The problem? That day was the night before our first date.

8. I was hit with the unhappy news that she was actually married. She actually didn’t want the day to end. She told me “you look like you’ll be a way better lover than my husband.” Needless to say, she never got to find out.

9. She was way too nice and kept calling me “honey” and “sweetie.” That would have been okay had I been a dog, but I am not a dog.

10. Her and I were the same height, but she kept insisting on wearing high heels and high shoes everywhere. Come on, man, help me feel taller by wearing regular shoes.

11. She said she wanted to “watch a movie” together. We did and I actually watched the movie. Apparently she didn’t actually want to watch it. What’s worse? I cried at the ending and she didn’t. She was probably crying on the inside for a different reason.

12. She told me going out with me was going to make her boyfriend unbelievably jealous. I was unaware that she had a boyfriend. I was also unaware his nickname was “The Hammer.” I ran out of there so faster than cheetah chasing a chicken.

13. We went out and she barely said anything. She smiled a couple of times, but I may as well have been conversing with myself. I have had deeper conversations with paintings and trees. I don’t need philosophic insights, but any sign of life would be nice, even from a shy girl.

14. She actually tried kissing me first. Is this not America? Since when do women kiss men first? No freakin’ way. I, as the guy, am supposed to decide whether we kiss. If a woman makes that choice for me, then what separates us from the animals?


* In her defense, if I met a girl who was better than the girl I was dating at the time, I probably would have left her as well. I mean, can you say upgrade? And if she was more attractive, smarter, and was going to make millions of dollars? Heck, that is why cheating always makes so much sense. The grass is always greener on the other side.

** It’s a good thing that fire was put out. What exactly was I going to tell 911? “Uh...there’s a girl on fire right in front of me. She set herself on fire to try and make me love her.” Even I wouldn’t believe that and I was there!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Halloween Horror Story

Actually, the true horror story would be you missing this week’s blog entry. By the end of this post, you will be armed with the most dangerous weapon in the world - information. Unfortunately, people too often go into this holiday not knowing what they should be trying to achieve or trying to avoid. Luckily for you, I have decided those things for everyone. For those of you in relationships, Halloween has a 100% chance of impacting it in some way.* Without further adieu, let’s once again segregate by gender in handing out more tips:

Girls

Don’t Touch the Candy!: Your relationship is currently 15 pounds away from ending. On Halloween, guys will throw every single type of candy your way to see if you eat the whole bag. If you eat all of this “free” candy, we’ll be gone faster than you can say “but honey, I wuv you!”** When guys get together around Halloween, we’re all asking each other “did she go for it, man?” Unfortunately, too many women do. Don’t be a victim.

How much should you wear?
: Books have been written about women dressing up for Halloween. They all talk at length about how women dress far too conservatively and wear trench coats out. Seriously, though, match how much skin you show with what your goals are for the evening:
Going out in a bra = down to cuddle! (DTC - if I can say that)
Going out in a sweater that is three sizes too big and sweat pants = 12 cats and loneliness in your future.***
Somewhere in-between is what you’re going for unless you have a specific goal in mind.

What Costume Should You Pick?
: I say irony is the new black. If, like a girl I once dated, you are pure evil and eat the hopes and dreams of small children for breakfast****, go as a Victoria’s Secret Angel or something to that effect. If you are syrupy sweet and you make rainbows appear when you smile, go for something evil. If you have absolutely no personality to speak of, a cat is a good stand-by. Ideally, though, you'll go with my personal favorite costume, Snooki. As an added bonus,***** the likelihood of me dating you goes up by an astonishing 87%.


Guys

It’s Good to be a Guy: I don’t have to tell you about the candy rule. Luckily, women don’t like us for our bodies, so feel free to eat as much candy as you possibly can. As long as it doesn’t impact your personality, which women actually care about, go for it. As everyone knows, the dressing up part is for the women while eating 20 pounds of candy is for the guys.

Help Her Help You: Look, we all know women love candy, but we have to help them not eat it. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, hide all of the candy. All of it. Where the candy should be, place salad dressing packets and coupons for bags of salad. If she asks, “Honey muffin, where is all the candy?” You respond, without skipping a beat, “uh, we’re actually giving out salad dressing packets this year. And when we run out of those, we’re giving out slices of bread.” On Halloween, make sure to put out a bowl of candy and she’ll never know.

Costumes?: Admittedly, in this respect, I have absolutely nothing. Subsequent Google searches also came up with nothing. The only out-of-the-box item I can recommend is wearing what you normally wear but throw on a pair of sunglasses and walk around very suspiciously all night. It could work.


Gender-Neutral

The All-Encompassing Halloween Rule: This is perhaps the most important part of Halloween. For one night, in this year’s case since it falls on a Weekday, it will be for one weekend, all relationships are null and void. Seriously. Marriages? Consider it a one-day vacation. Serious relationships? She’ll be there in the morning...probably. If your spouse takes issue with this set in stone rule, shoot them a link to this blog. It will solve everything. Make sure to take advantage of the one night/weekend a year you can do anything.


Happy Halloween!



* It could either make it better, worse, or everything can stay the same. Since people try and either do too much or not enough, Halloween will probably wreak havoc on your relationship. Happy Halloween!

** You’re not really saying that, are you? We’re guys. We don’t need love, affection, or someone who we actually even like. What we really care about is: are you someone we want to cuddle with? If not, you’re a goner, especially after you’ve finished off that bag of M&M’s.
           
*** It doesn’t actually have to be a lonely future since I am a cat fan and we could date, but then you would be dating me and that arguably isn’t much better than living alone with 20 cats for the rest of your life.

**** That’s not cruel. The truth never hurts. Now, it would be cruel if I told you her name was Lauren. Come on, though, look at what she ate for breakfast each morning! Do you know what she ate for dessert? The feelings of men, most notably yours truly. ‘Nuff said.

***** or something to avoid at all costs. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Facebook Follies a.k.a. Stupid Things You Do On Facebook That Make The Rest of Us Hate You

Look, what I am about to say is not meant to hurt you. As your Facebook friend, I care about you. Not enough to see you in person or, you know, make plans to get together, but I care enough to try to reach out and save you from yourself. All of you. Even me. This post is about things you’re doing on Facebook that you shouldn’t be doing or things you aren’t doing but should highly consider. Don’t think about these suggestions, just do them. I’m probably right. I haven’t been wrong in years.

You’re Too Friendly: Stop that: Look, you have too many friends. You post too many revealing things that too many people see. You have to delete friends and probably block them. Your great grandfather can’t stand looking at pictures of you kissing three guys at once while downing an excessive amount of...shall we say, festively colored liquids.* Heck, I can’t even take it. Poor guy. I sometimes go overboard on this. I block exes, my brother, all family members, Jewish girls who ask when we’re going to get married on the first date, etc. You should do the same.

Don’t Lie to Facebook: Look, if you lie to Facebook, you corrupt the universe. I was a victim of this.** If you lie on Facebook, the rest of us who stalk your Facebook will start spreading rumors and talking about you behind your back based on that information. If you lie on Facebook, then it throws everyone off. If we can’t trust Facebook, then who can we trust?

It’s Complicated? Tell Me About It: Look, I get that your relationship has hit a rough patch, but don’t leave me in the freakin’ dark about it. I’m not close enough to ask you personally, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. I need you to post, as a status, every last detail. Did she cheat on you? Was she not as attractive once you saw her in the light? Did she realize that you’re not actually a 25-year old businessman but actually a movie theater usher?*** If you don’t tell us, then we start fantasizing, and you don’t want us to start putting together the pieces on our own.

You Need a Bikini Picture: Look, women. If you don’t have one, you need one. A picture of you in a shirt that is two sizes too small can be substituted in some cases. All of us guys are sitting around our computers hitting “refresh” waiting for someone to post a bikini shot. When you do, we snap into action with phrases such as “wow, you’re sexy” and “ur liek hott.” When you see that, you’re supposed to think “really? I’m hot?” and then you fall in love with us. If we post on every single bikini picture out there, one of the women out there is bound to fall for us. They have to. There aren’t a lot of great guys out there so most of you eventually are going to have to settle for one of us!****

Go Shirtless: We’re not out of the woods, guys. Women want to see pictures wear we take our shirts off. Trust me, I’m a blogger. This rule does not apply to me, since Mark Zuckerberg preemptively sent me a letter stating that if I take a shirtless picture, then he will shut down my Facebook personally, but it applies to every other guy out there. How will women know how attractive you are unless you show them via Facebook? Exactly. You know every single woman is sitting around waiting to pounce on the first shirtless guy she sees. Be the first guy she sees.

Posting Pictures of Everything Except One Important Person, Yourself: Look, I am guilty of this, but all of us have to stop before it gets any more serious. We sit down and post thousands of pictures of various objects, buildings, and football players, and yet, when someone wants to stalk our collective Facebooks’, they only want to see us. Your ex wants to see how much weight you’ve put on and how ugly you’ve gotten since you two broke up.***** Your Grandmother doesn’t actually want to see you, but she wants to see what you look like. All of your friends who you haven’t seen in years want to see what you’re up to and see if you’re lonely and miserable. Don’t disappoint all of us with millions of pictures of buildings and lakes.

Make Yourself Heard: People are too shy on the internet. No one says what they think. You need to be heard. Why do you hate cabbage? What did you eat for breakfast? Please, tell me every single one of your political views, I am dying to know. Instead, it is all dead air. What happened to opinions? The only one who actually posts the hardcore truth is a woman I shall call Rania. The rest of you are not posting your true feelings.


So, did I nail your Facebook habits? Do you know of anyone who does these things? Perhaps you would like to post what happened when you posted a bikini picture? Let me know in the comments section.
       


* There is a girl, let’s call her Nicole, who posts the most revealing things you will ever see anywhere. Yet, she has her entire family tree on Facebook. Want to know what the tissue looks like after she sneezes? How about how many guys she “was with” with last Saturday? Maybe you’re curious about her “Lady issues?” You’re in luck! They’re all on Facebook. No need to stop posting those things, just block the rest of us from seeing them.

** There was a girl, let’s call her Kendra, who told me I was her “perfect man.” I went to stalk her Facebook as everyone should be doing and I found out she was “interested in” men. Great! I’m a man. Unfortunately, she was lying on her Facebook. She is a lesbian. I was crushed. Get it? She was being ironic. Her “perfect man” is a woman. Ha...ha...ha... While she should have went on a pity date with me anyway, her real crime was lying on Facebook and telling the world she was interested in men.

***Don’t virtually look at me like that. I can feel you staring right through me across the internet. I am only throwing out one completely innocuous example. This isn’t what I do in my spare time. I am honest about my career. Women love the broom and dust pan combination on a man.       

**** BWA ha ha ha ha!

***** Be warned that this can backfire. My ex, who I will once again refer to as Michelle*, has not only maintained her attractiveness, but she has actually bested me in every single category known to man. It’s a good thing there is no competition between Exes about who is doing better, because if there was, she’d be kicking the crap out of me.

    * Can a footnote have a footnote? You better believe it can. As you may recall from a footnote back in this post, I refer to every single girl I’ve ever dated as “Michelle” because I want to prepare myself to date Michelle Branch when the time presents itself and she realizes I am better than her husband in every measurable way.