Sunday, September 30, 2012

Second Date Tips

This is unbelievable. Please don’t tell me you need more help. I have done absolutely everything for you. I gave you the perfect online dating profile, I gave you pick-up lines to use, and then I showed you what to do on the first date. But no, that’s not good enough for you. Seriously, when it comes time for the sexcasion*, are you going to hire me to stand outside of your bedroom door and give you tips?** In any case, for the sake of moving all relationships along, I will present second date tips to help you get to where you want to be in your dating life. Or these could hopelessly misguide you horribly and wreck even the best relationship. You decide. The format will be the same as last time.

Guys:

Before the Date. You know the 3-day rule? The one that states you must wait three days after dating a girl to call her back? Well, everyone does that. Break free from the pack. Wait 13 to 15 days to call her back. “But won’t she forget about me? I should call her sooner.” Shut up, Rookie. Are you the one with the successful blog*** writing dating tips or am I? Exactly. This will separate you from every other guy she’s dating.

When You Call Her. So you’ve waited two weeks to call her. Great. Now you’ve got to keep acting like you’ve been dating every girl on this side of the Mississippi River in the mean time. Pretend to forget her name at least three times. Every time she corrects you, mention off-hand that you thought she was someone else you were seeing. There you go. That’s subtlety.

The best date idea ever. You already went balls to the wall weeks ago trying to impress her, now is the time to take your foot off the gas pedal and relax a little. Invite her over and cook her a meal**** and watch a movie. Actually cook with her. It’s fun. Just don’t accidentally scare her when she’s using a sharp knife or something. I’m speaking from experience here. It’s funny for the first five seconds, but when she slices a little of her thumb off, well, then it’s not as funny.

A word on this movie. This is where you gauge just how attractive you are. If she sounds like she doesn’t care at all about what you watch, then you’re in great shape. If she has a strong opinion on the movie, well, you’re in more trouble than the guy who just got caught throwing water balloons out of his apartment window at unsuspecting bystanders. I am usually the one with strong opinions about the movie. Back in my younger years before cars had been invented, I always thought the point was to, you know, watch the movie.

If the conversation hits an awkward turn. So she wants to know when you’re going to move out or what religion you are. Maybe how many kids you want or if you’ll marry her next week. Avoid, avoid avoid! You could go right for the restraining order, but a better option is usually to break into spontaneous song and dance. Pretty soon she’s singing and dancing with you and the fact that you have a pet porcupine and named her after your Mother is forgotten.


Girls:

The Phone Call. You have to understand that we as guys have to pretend like we’re busy when we’re not seeing you. We also have to pretend, for the sake of our egos, that we secretly have 5,000 women who would drop their husbands in a nanosecond to be with us. Thus, we wait three days to call. If a guy calls you before three days, drop him like a water balloon out a window. His ego just isn’t big enough. Maybe he “just wanted to talk to you.” Forget him. You can do better. Tell him you’re moving to a country where phones haven’t been invented yet.

Don’t Go Over To His House. What is this, date three? Go somewhere fun that isn’t hit house. If he suggests his house, quickly suggest something else that you would like to do even if it would make him miserable. Like a trip to Italy. That’s a sensible second date. Did you read the section above this one and now you think I’m trying to create controversy? Fair. Maybe I am. What are you going to do, disobey me and go over to his house alone just to spite me? Be my guest.*****

Remember the 10 foot Rule. There must be ten feet of space between you at all times. Oh, sure, this makes car rides extremely difficult since there isn’t enough space for the both of you to follow this rule. Make it work, though.

Play Hard to Get. If you’re not playing hard to get, you’re easy. Everything about you has to say “you can look, but you can’t touch. Actually, you can’t even look.” Remember when during date one you dressed tastefully, yet attractively? Well, those days are over. It is time to break out the gigantic sweaters and pajama pants. You won’t look good, but he saw you at a time when you did look good. Jackpot.

When awkward conversations come up. So he wants to know why you have a picture of your ex-boyfriend as your profile picture on Facebook or why he’s still texting you every hour on the hour and your ring tone for him is a Maroon 5 song? What you want to do is talk about all of your pairs of shoes out of nowhere. There is an evolutionary thing in a guy’s brain that, whenever a woman talks about her shoes, we imagine grabbing a pie and hitting you in the face with it so we can go back to talking about sports. Shoe conversation will make us forget anything incriminating you were about to say.


Gender-Neutral:

This is the most important date of your life. The first date is like the honeymoon stage. Everyone is happy and giggling like school girls. The second date is where the real action happens. Just like the first day of class is the most important day of your life http://angryrosebushes.blogspot.com/2012/09/school-secrets.html, the second date means everything. What’s decided is who will wear the pants in the relationship. Will it be you or your date wear the pants or maybe someone else? Might I be the one wearing the pants and making all of the decisions in your relationship? Perhaps. I work in mysterious ways. You must be the one proverbially on top in this relationship. If you take command now, you’ll have won control of the relationship. Be tough out there!



* See what I did there? I combined “occasion” and “sex.” Other unnecessary phrases I could have used include “bang it out” and “get it in.” Tell all your friends. The other one I have come up with is “sexcation.” It’s like a staycation, except the only thing relaxing you do is...well, you get the point.

** For the record, please do not hire me to do this, no amount of money is enough. Actually, what am I saying? I can be bribed if the dollar amount is high enough. Wait a minute, no no no, I will not do this and please do not inquire. I might have a sex post, though, so you might be out of the woods for free.       

*** Successful blog is defined as having five or more readers. Hello to all five of you! How’s it going?

**** What do you freakin’ mean you don’t know how to cook? Ugh. Fine. Buy some restaurant food, pick it up, and then put it on paper plates messily so it looks like you could have made it. Actually cooking the food with her is supposed to be the experience, but clearly you were born to screw up absolutely everything.

***** You’re welcome, guys. She never would have gone had you simply suggested it, but now that I’ve told every woman that she shouldn’t go over to your house, well, now she definitely will. Reverse psychology at its finest.

2 comments:

  1. perhaps i should have hired you to do my dirty work for me XD and you know what im referring to (sexcasion). will there be a third date post o grand puba of blogging? also, if you get a number from someone while you are working...well, perhaps i just inspired your real next post #IAMTHE5

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  2. Assuming we get past the first date, or get to one alone, its completely acceptable to dump your baggage on said date and expect them to help alleviate it, also its "cool" to talk too much about the ex you never got over, however, telling your date that they were only a rebound and that you're going back to your ex is only acceptable at breakup to bruise ego. I'm breaking hearts here, not legs everybody.

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