Over the years I have used a fair number of assumed names to get me through life. I have used fake names for dates, crazy paparazzi wanting to get autographs from The World’s Greatest Usher, and secret identities, you know - the essentials. Everyone needs a fallback in case life #1 falls through for whatever reason.* I have been debating posting these for a while since having a fake name is much more difficult when everyone knows it’s a fake name, but I have finally conceded the fight against myself. I like to think that these names are the very definition of both originality and believability, but you be the judge:
Tim Ticklesberry: Like a John Green novel, Tom appears differently to everyone who sees him. He also thematically looks like a strawberry.
Terry P. Feathersworth: An interesting note here. Apparently someone tried to make a disguise of my disguise. You can check out his rendition here: Terry P.'s Facebook Page.
And also this one of a Larry P. Feathersworth Facebook Check out the high school for both of these guys. Something's fishy.
Taylor Teagarden: Oh wait, that’s not one of my pseudonyms, this is an actual person who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
His Mother must have hated him or perhaps he hates himself. I would personally change my name to sound like less of a girl, but hey, maybe I’m the only one who thinks this. Does this produce imagery of tea cups growing in a garden for anyone else?
Rex Hexagon: He’s a master at trigonometry who can jump an amazingly high 10-inches in the air. That is almost a foot, for those of you who do not have your rulers handy.
Harrison PepperTrout: What he doesn’t know about life could fit on a paper napkin. He is, as his name suggests, a master at both curing deli meats and slicing fish. Legend has it he once loved a pet fish so much that he kissed her and she turned into a real woman who became his wife.**
Gerald Smith: For when flying under the radar is of utmost importance.
Trevor Oliver: People with two first names can never be trusted, and Trevor is no exception. He carries a pair of handcuffs around just to be mysterious. His socks have never matched. Ever.
Hopefully this post has given you a glimpse into how many different directions one’s life can go in. Maybe next time someone asks you your name, you’ll drop one of these or perhaps one you make up yourself, just to keep life interesting.
* Since I’m sure you’re wondering, no, I do not consider a career as a movie theater usher with a college degree, living with my parents, and a tentative, at-best, financial situation a success by any stretch, but come on, I’m not a failure. I’m going to hit my stride...eventually.
** Seasoned readers are probably asking themselves two questions: 1. How does a fictitious person who you made up have a legend surrounding him? 2. When you are pretending to be him, how do you make the whole fish wife thing work? Answers: 1. Great question. 2. Oh, that’s easy. I carry around a feminine looking goldfish in a bowl around and say she turned back into a fish. That’s stealthy.