Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Pick-Up Lines That DO NOT Work

What you are about to read can be dangerous if it ever falls into the wrong hands. These pick-up lines will instantly attract anyone you want, anytime you want. Does she have a boyfriend? Well, the boyfriend isn’t an obstacle. Married? Those things end in divorce all the time.

All sarcasm aside, there is not one good idea presented here. Usage of these lines can only wind up with one of three endings, you’ll either be punched, kicked, or aggressively licked.* The latter is worst of all. I was a victim. These are written from a guy’s perspective, but these can be gender neutral if you happen to be a particularly aggressive woman or you make some slight tweaks. I am including a couple of lines that might work to show everyone that for every ten bad ideas, I have one or two good ones. Without further ado:

Hey, I’m not over my ex yet, but do you think you might wanna date me, you know, at least until she decides to take me back?
Hey turkey legs, wanna give me your phone number? I promise I won’t smell like garbage on a first date, I’ll shower.

What’s up? Wanna go out with me? I promise Terry Feathersworth is my real name. If you do, you can meet my brothers, Barry, Jerry, and Larry and my two sisters, Kerry and Mary.**

Are you good with parents? Great! Let’s go meet mine. They’re dying to meet you and for some reason they’re at my house already.

Wow, you’re so hot that there’s no way I’d ever cheat on you with your sister’s roommate. Wanna go out with me?

Hey babe, can I get your first and last name so I can poke you on Facebook? I promise not to look up your address on whitepages.com.

Seeing you here tonight is the best thing to ever happen to me. Really, nothing good has ever happened to me except for you.

Usually I would offer to buy you a drink, but it looks like you’re already drunk enough for me to do what I need to do...get you in touch with the nearest designated driver, of course!

Can I get your first and last name so I can Facebook poke you all night long?

Look, I don’t have a lot of money, I’m not very attractive, I live with my parents and won’t be moving out anytime soon, but what I lack in every single category, I make up for in seductive winking and obsessive cleanliness. Do I have a chance with you?

For good measure, here are some that might work, but I make no promises:

For women: I would probably go up to a guy, say hi, and let him start talking. If you can come up with something interesting as an opener, so much the better. This is probably the safest tool in your arsenal. Your job as women is to sit around and wait for us to approach you. The only time you are socially allowed to choose who you date is never. Don’t blame me, though, I’m just the messenger.

For guys: Seriously, a simple “hi” and a greeting while waiting for her to state her name has worked troublingly well. It seems like it’s too simple to work, but hey. I have also found success with saying the first thing that comes to mind based on my surroundings. Tic-Tac-Toe Technique is also recommended.***

* I know you’ve been reading this thing long enough to know there is a story here and hopefully you scrolled down to find out what it was. Well, let’s just say a woman or three has gotten pissed at me over the years. These were particularly intelligent women who knew how difficult getting saliva off of one’s cheeks is.

** The genius of this one is that I, ahem, I mean a distant friend of mine, couldn’t possibly be lying because I, ahem, I mean, he, provided all of that back story. Of course there is a Terrence Prussia Feathersworth, why wouldn’t there be?

*** What do you mean you didn't read the post on Tic-Tac-Toe Technique? Go back and read it. Do not pass go and do not collect $200 until you do.


  1. so, i should say something? not every girl is a Brittany, who will just throw herself at any man with a pulse? holy crap!

    1. Yes, I recommend you walk up to her and say something. It doesn't have to be intelligent or even make sense, it just has to be words.

    2. well as long as she isn't another Brittany (I just mean anyone with that name bcuz I appear to be cursed there), then I'm all in (not like last year's white sox, but legit)

  2. I have one, "Hi, I'm a thief and you must be priceless." And thats when you throw a bag over her head, kidnap her and hold her for ransom.