Sunday, September 16, 2012

My Online Dating Profile

This is easily the most anticipated post of my blogging career. I know I say that every time, but I was lying all of those other times, this time, it’s for real. Women from across the globe have been asking when they’ll have a shot at dating me based off of this profile. I have heard that women all secretly hate each other, but if that’s the case, the one thing that brings them all together is their desire to date me. Just call me the great unifier. WARNING: You might just fall for me by the end of the first paragraph:

Screen Name: 2Jew4U

Roses are red, violets are blue, but you know who belongs together? Me and you. And there is much more great poetry where that came from. I stand at an amazingly tall height of 5 feet 9 inches which means I can ride almost all of the rides at most major amusement parks. If they don’t allow me on, I can always go out and buy some nice elevator shoes. I hear those are the most attractive shoes a man can buy. When cleanly shaven, I might look like I’m 16-years old, but trust me, when I don’t, I look as if I’m 18. So if you’re an older woman, I should be right up your alley since I hear every woman wants to be seen as robbing the cradle, right? And if not, cougars are in this decade.

I have a degree from the most prestigious university in all the land and it has netted me a job in the Janitorial Arts. You never have to worry about finances because I am reeling in a whopping $8.25 per hour. Don’t fret, though, because rumor has it I am due for a $0.05 raise sometime before 2014. If I don’t get it, well, minimum wage has to go up at sometime, right? My low wages shouldn’t be a problem, though, because I’m such a cheapskate that I doubt I’ll ever spend a penny on anything at any point, ever. Don’t worry, because our first date and all subsequent ones can be had at the fanciest restaurants in the most expensive vehicles and we can spend thousands of dollars per date...as long as you foot the bill. Doesn’t feminism dictate that the woman now pays for everything? I must admit that I don’t like doing anything fun and in a life with me you can look forward to many, many hours of Jersey Shore re-runs.

Are you good with parents? Hopefully you are because I live with mine. My Mom says hi! I promise, though, once we get married, I’ll move out...eventually.

There are some things I cannot tolerate in a significant other and I shall list them here. When you are a man of my pedigree, you can afford to be be a bit choosy. You cannot have more than 15 tattoos. You must not have been charged with any kind of violence against any of your past boyfriends. Your father must not have a gun and should not know how to use one. You must not wear black more than once a week and not more than 4 times in a month. You must be able to do a headstand while drinking milk and singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” None of these are negotiable points.

Good luck in trying to lock me down! Send in your applications now.

1 comment:

  1. I, too, ask myself how I am still single. I mean, I know I am God's gift to Earth. How could women not be trying to be with me all the time? Well, probably because I deny them my essence. What was I talking about? I don't remember. Anyway, write my damn movie script!

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