I almost did a terrible, terrible thing. I teased you all by giving you great pickup lines and also showing everyone a template for the perfect online dating profile. I basically sold you the car but kept the tires for myself. By now, you’ve probably got hundreds of dates lined up but you’re petrified about that first date. What will you do? What will you say? Never fear, Josh is here! There are going to be three different sections of this post. One for the guys, one for the girls, and a gender-neutral section that includes tips that apply to everyone.* Women, feel free to peruse the section for the gentlemen and vice-verse so you can see what the other sex is up to.
Before the date, go to the most expensive flower store in town and buy her the biggest bouquet you have ever seen made up of her favorite flowers. You did find out what her favorite flower is, right? Ugh, of course you didn’t. Fine. Go with roses. Why? They’re expensive and if you go daisies, some guy raises you with tulips or orchids. The average guy has no idea what flowers are nicer than roses, so you’re good. You’re buying her flowers to prove that you’re a gentleman, and if you don’t buy her the biggest bouquet known to man, somebody else will and she’ll give him all her love instead of you. If you skip the flower step, she’ll go on the date, but she’ll really be thinking “he failed. He forgot the flowers. Now I’m just here for the entertainment. There is no kiss in his future.”
Tell her what kind of clothes she needs to wear for the date. Actually, don’t tell her what kind of clothes she needs to wear for the date to keep it interesting. See what she goes with on her own. Is it a sweater that’s three sizes too big with the biggest sweat pants you’ve ever seen or is it a very nice, yet tasteful, dress and/or something that makes her look attractive?
Bring mints on the date. Sure, they’re for you, but mostly, they’re for her. Women, for whatever reason, believe spraying perfume magically eliminates all odors. They use it to compensate. There is a direct correlation between the amount of perfume she sprays and the last time she showered and/or brushed her teeth. Little perfume means she bathes. Half the bottle or more means she hasn’t showered this month and probably doesn’t own a toothbrush. You may as well date a pig who spends his days rolling around in mud at that point because the pig is probably cleaner. Don’t shoot the messenger! Women have always been known as the dirtier sex**, come prepared and use your mints as a weapon.*** Also, buy her a toothbrush for Christmas and make sure she uses it.
Keep your car clean and smelling nice. While the smell of post-workout sweat should theoretically be attractive, it’s not. Women pay attention to the condition of your car. Has it been cleaned recently? Is it a deathtrap? Is there garbage lying around from 2005? Women see the condition of your car and then spread it out to your entire life. They think if a man has a dirty car, then he is probably dirty and the house he lives in is probably even worse. If you have kids, they’ll be disgusting. And on and on and on.
Don’t drink excessively. Don’t be a fish. Besides, you’re probably paying, and those alcoholic beverages are expensive. Not that I would know, but I’ve heard things.
Don’t ever, ever, get into a car when a woman is driving. You may as well skydive without a freaking parachute instead, because clearly you don’t value your life. I don’t care if she insists on driving you. Choose life! Drive yourself.
Find out what you’re doing on the date and dress accordingly. If he wants to keep it a secret, that’s fine, but ask him what kind of attire you should be wearing. This is also a note that you should not be planning said date. He should have everything under control. If he sounds absolutely clueless about where he wants to take you, then find another guy, and quickly. His indecisiveness will never go away. You will have to be the man in the relationship forever. Tell him you can’t make it because it’s your cat’s half birthday. If he suggests another date and time, tell him it’s the 1-year anniversary of you buying your favorite pair of shoes. He should get the hint.
When in doubt, punch him out...kinda. That famous phrase you've heard used so many times combined with that move you learned on the tv show, When Kangaroos Attack, has taught you well if you’re ever in a precarious situation with a kangaroo, and interestingly, guys are a lot like kangaroos. When the date hits a lull, you may want to randomly punch him in the arm, the chest, the stomach, or the face to get a reaction. You will probably have his respect and he will begin fearing you slightly. Can you say win-win?
Drink like a fish and eat like a grizzly bear. He’s paying, right? Get the most bang for your buck. If the restaurant or place you’re eating allows you to take things home, order five more entrées and you’ll have meals for all of next week! Guys love women who can not only out-eat them, but also drink more than they can. Another win-win.
Don’t drive him anywhere at any point. First, why should you be paying for gas? Exactly. Most importantly, you can’t drive. Admit it to yourself. Your driving is so bad that a sleeping tortoise could probably use a vehicle better. Never once have I ever been in a car with a woman driving and felt safe. Every single time we get to our destination, it’s a miracle. I mentally kiss the ground and tell myself I’ll never drive with a woman again. It must be hard being a girl knowing that every time you drive a vehicle could be your last. In any case, avoid driving at all costs.
Manage your perfume usage. We know what you’re up to. See #3 on the Guys’ list for more information on this one.
Use your cell phone as much as possible, ignore your date if need be. This will show your date that you have a life. If you don’t actually have a life, go ahead and make a fake call and keep clacking away at your phone’s keyboard while sending fake text messages.
Make sure to eye other potential suitors so your date knows you have options. Better yet, they might get jealous and start liking you more. They may also enter into creepy stalker mode, but hey, those are the risks one takes.
Talk about yourself as much as possible. Look, a date is like a war where both people try and talk as much as possible while ignoring the other person. How will your date know how awesome you are unless you tell them?
I have come to the conclusion that one blog post cannot possibly rectify every problem there is regarding first dates and certainly not every problem in the dating world. If there is any interest in anything else regarding dating, hit me up either on here or someplace else. I feel like I will be addressing these very issues again sometime soon.
* Somebody somewhere is asking themselves, “why can’t you just have one gender-neutral post. I mean, aren’t we all the same anyway?” Here is why that idea is more moronic than trying to pet a cactus. How can I be gender-neutral about telling women to wear dresses and spray small amounts of perfume as well as stuff like buy her a nice bouquet? I can’t. It would be impossible. Alright, alright, I over exaggerate. I recently found out how to change the color of text, and I wanted to show off. There. Happy?
** Don’t try to dissuade me from this view, women. I may reveal one day why I know for a fact that women are dirtier than men, but for now, just know that I know.
*** Another suggestion, if you know her perfume smells like skunk or if skunk is her natural feminine aroma, is to bring a bottle of Febreze with you, distract her, and then spray the air when she’s not looking.