Sunday, December 30, 2012

How to Ask a Girl Out in 5 Easy Steps

Asking a girl out might be one of the most nerve-wracking processes in the world. There is so much that goes into it and so many steps that can go wrong. If the proverbial ball is dropped and things go completely and totally wrong, it could mean the social kiss of death. She’ll tell all of her friends and post that you foolishly asked her out on Facebook. Pretty soon everyone in your social circle will know you struck out and laugh at you while making jokes behind your back. Shortly after, your Mother will stop loving you and buy a puppy to give her love to in spite of you. Inevitably, your only friends will be a spoon and a gallon of ice cream. ARB is here to help, as we always are, with ways to ace asking that girl you have your eye on out:
This meme is spot on! No, a guy cannot randomly go up and ask her out. Follow these complicated steps!

1. Gather Information

What, did you think you could just walk up to her and start a conversation? Not so fast, Sparky! It is time to find out everything you can about this girl. Stalk her Facebook mercilessly and see what she’s into. What kind of clothes does she wear? Who does she talk to? Where does she live? And finally and most importantly, what is her bra size?* There is no such thing as too much information. Once you find out what she has “liked” on Facebook, you can start formulating a plan to bring up as many of those topics as possible. Note: This process might take a few months, but it’s worth it.

2. See What Guys She Associates With

So, you thought that you were done gathering information and it was time to actually sack up and talk to her? Hold your horses, Speed Racer! There is more information to secure. You must take careful note of each and every guy she makes contact with. Does she hug each of them? Are there certain guys she laughs with a bit too much? Perhaps some kid thinks “liking” all of her statuses are the way to her heart? If so, you might have politics on your hands. Some guy may actually like your girl! What’s worse? She may secretly be dating someone even if her Relationship Status says she’s single. Ideally, your private investigator shoes are still on, so you should have no problem ferreting this one out.

3. Talk to All of Her Friends

Steps one and two are completed and now you want to ask this girl out? Look, man, just stay with me, we’re almost to the finish line, here. The next step is to ask every single one of her friends, family members, and pets to see if she’s digging your chili. It is best to go down the line, starting with her best friend, and working down the line to the friends she doesn’t actually like.** To pass this test, you need at least a 90 percent approval rating. Anything less than that and asking her out is a shaky proposition, at best. Keep in mind her friends can and will lie to you. Be on your game.

4. Start a Conversation with Her

Finally, your time has come. Months of waiting have culminated in this moment. Think of the perfect line to use, smile, and approach her. Begin talking about something you learned in the information gathering stages and let her talk. Keep the conversation going while being both interesting and mysterious. Most importantly, don’t ask her out. Keep her wanting more and fight this battle another day. Nobody likes an eager beaver.

5. Ask Her Out

Wait a few days to let the sheer awesomeness of your conversation set in. Then, it is time to pounce. Go up and talk to her again while bringing up something interesting from your last conversation. The exchange will probably continue to go well, in which case your heart will invariably start beating. It’s now or never. The balance of your entire life up to this point and your Mother’s love is on the line. Get ready to ask her out to a great place, ideally from something you gathered she would enjoy doing and see what she says.*** Exchange numbers and get excited for your first date.

See what months of work and following the correct steps and processes can do? You have managed to conquer the most difficult task charged to men in this lifetime. So what do you think? And what do the women think of these killer strategies? 

* Yes, this is vital information. How else will you buy bras for her at Victoria’s Secret when you’re her boyfriend?

** You do have this list from step one, right? Good.

*** What do you mean you have absolutely no idea where to take her on a good first date? Ugh. Well, if there is demand, I could always have a post of great places to go on a date. We shall see.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What Not To Do on a Date

Much ink has been spilled about how to ace a date. However, some of us learn much better when we’re told what not to do as opposed to instructions regarding what we should do. The logic goes, if we know what we’re supposed to avoid, then everything else is fair game. In this case, I have already given everyone a mini-blueprint on what to do on The First Date, but now I would like to share what should be avoided at all costs. As usual, I will not openly admit that I have done most or all of these:

- Show that person photo albums of your ex.
- Show your date love letters from your ex.
- Tackle, Tickle, or Trout Him/Her*
- Pretend that you forgot your wallet when the date reaches three figures.**
- Lead with your tongue or teeth when kissing for the first time.
- Brag about how many times you’ve been arrested.
- Brag about how many people you have shared a bed with in the past six months.***
- Stare at your date, unblinking, for longer than two minutes.
- Escort them to the bathroom to make sure they get there safely.
- Ask piercing, investigative questions such as: “how many times have you had sex?”, “why is your political affiliation so stupid?”, and/or “so, how many kids are we going to have together?”*****
- Spilling your hot beverage onto them.
- Undressing your date with your eyes so much so that it is noticeable. He/She is not a piece of meat.
- Talking over 60 percent of the time. Getting your date to talk and keeping the conversation balanced is virtually always a good idea.

So there you have it, what not to do on a date, especially not the first date. Keep in mind this is, by no means, an exhaustive list. Of course, by date ten, it’s time to show them who you really are and some of these actually become good strategies.

* A.K.A. “The 3 T’s.” Trouting your date is a relatively new phrase which means slapping your date mercilessly with a live trout. The tickling and tackling are more up for interpretation. If you’re a woman, well, a man would love for you to tackle him, more than likely. As far as tickling goes, just make sure not to tickle a tuchus or someone’s face and you should be fine.

** I’m look at you, ladies and cheap men. That’s right. We know you didn’t forget your wallet. You freakin’ drove us to the place!

*** Especially if this number is in the triple digits. Even if this number is zero, keep it to yourself. In fact, whenever anyone at any time asks you what your “number” is, it is time to change the subject and talk about the weather.

**** If you ask this question on the first date, well, that answer will be zero. Unless you’re a woman asking a man this and his schedule is open for the next 18 years. On this note, asking them which brand of condoms they like the best is probably also a bad idea.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas as a Jew

SPOILER: Christmas as a Jew sucks. It’s terrible. Actually, terrible doesn’t make it sound bad enough, it’s worse than that. Unbearable would probably be the correct word. It’s the worst day of the year. Let me paint a picture: it’s freakin’ cold outside, nobody is working, and everything is closed. In Jew World, it’s not even a holiday. If you’re looking for how to deal with spending a day alongside people you don’t actually like, please check out this post. Instead, what follows is how my family spends each Christmas :

1. My Dad Regales Us With the Story of Christmas

That’s right. My Dad, who doesn’t even celebrate the holiday, will tell all of us how happy everyone is on this day. He then tells us the story of Christmas. The problem? He doesn’t actually know the story of Christmas. How do I know this? Well, because the story changes every single year. One year, Christmas was created because Christianity would be too boring without it. The next, it’s a conspiracy between Hallmark and the retail stores to come out ahead. Shortly after, he forgets what he was talking about and tells us about how he used to walk five miles to and from school through the rain, snow, hurricanes, earthquakes, and even a tornado.* I will never actually know the story of Christmas because I don’t want to torture myself by Googling it.

2. Sitting Around All Day Staring At Each Other Listening To...Christmas Music?

That’s right, sports fans. In my house, for some inexplicable reason that nobody can quite figure out, Christmas music blasts through our stereo’s speakers for the duration of the day. My Dad, again, for some inexplicable reason, loves Christmas music, and thus, he tortures us with it all day. And no, it does not cheer us up. By the way, when I say “blasts” I mean, as loud as the stereo can go. All we can do is stare at each other since no one can hear anything anyone else says. Besides, whenever we speak, it always sparks screaming anyway since everyone is so miserable on Christmas. We can’t actually go out anywhere since everything is closed. Ugh.

3. Gifts and “Merry Christmas” Texts

Not only does the holiday not tickle me at all, but everyone I know demands gifts. It’s the equivalent of having Goodie Bags at a funeral. Why do I, someone who does not celebrate Christmas, have to give you a gift? How about neither one of us gets the other one anything and we both spent the money we would have used on gifts for stuff we want? Speaking of gifts, no, they do not have to be Chanukah themed. Also, what is up with all of the “Merry Christmas” texts everyone sends? Come on, man, that’s like running me over with your car and then getting a goat to give me CPR to save my life.** Remove me from those chain texts, please. “Happy Holidays” is not acceptable either. Chanukah is not happy, so no need to pretend.

4. Working

How does one avoid this day before it begins? Easy! Get a job that pays such a small amount of money and requires me to work on Christmas. That has been my strategy both last year and this year. With one day of work, I will be approximately 1/8th of the way to paying off all of the gifts I’ve had to get for everyone this year. Did I forget to mention I haven’t actually given out very many good gifts this year?

So there you have it. My summary of the worst day of the year. By the way, no, Jews do not order Chinese food and sneak it into the movie theater on Christmas. That is a myth. In all seriousness, though, we here at Angry Rose Bushes would like to wish everyone a happy December 25th.***

* So, you don’t believe my Dad really walked through hurricanes, earthquakes and tornadoes to get to school? Legend has it, a tornado once tried to get a hold of my Dad. He slapped it and said, “get the eff out of my way, I’ve got to get to school.” Yeah...I found some holes in his story, too.

** This wouldn’t be that bad, but I imagine goats are not very good kissers and their fur is a little too strange for my taste.

*** Seriously. I'm not going to be having any fun, so you may as well be. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Exquisite Reasons to Stay Together Forever

She’s not exactly the girl you want to marry or see more than once a month, but that doesn’t mean you should break up with her. He loves smoking and collecting dogs even though you’re deathly allergic, but you should probably stay with him anyway. Last week, we discussed every reason you should leave your lover, delete them from Facebook, and never talk to them again.* Today, we are turning over a new leaf. “But Josh, what do you mean? Are you flip-flopping already? It’s just been a week!” First of all, quiet you! As the mysterious author of this blog, I reserve the right to change my views every single day if I feel like it. In actuality, we here at Angry Rose Bushes like to give equal time to all horrible ideas as opposed to just some of them. Here are some of the reasons you should suck it up and marry the person you’re dating:

1. You’re No Spring Chicken Yourself

They eat all of the food you buy, don’t actually know what to do with cleaning supplies, and are racking up thousands of dollars worth of debt buying different flavors of chips and salsa, so what? Are you trying to say you’re perfect? I’m sure you have flaws. Think about it. All of your insecurities exist. That’s right, we notice. You don’t brush your teeth and floss everyday, twice a day, do you? What was the last book you read? How many salads have you eaten in the past week? And that gym you’re paying each month hasn’t seen you in a while. Exactly. You’re not perfect. Naturally, you must stay with your inadequate lover. It’s only fair.

2. Some People Have No One

Alright, so you say that your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t know how to kiss, cheats on you, and has decided to collect two of every animal in preparation for the coming flood, fantastic. Remember the good times. Isn’t it nice having someone to kiss and cuddle with? What about bragging about how great your relationship is, isn’t that a little difficult if you break up? You can’t quietly chuckle at all of the single people if you are single yourself. The answer is clearly that you need to stay with this person. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but isn’t it nice having someone as opposed to no one? “Soul mates” are only in movies. It is time to accept the fact that your lover isn’t that great, but they are better than no one. Besides, you’ve been with this person for years, if you don’t get married and have four kids, then all of those years are wasted. It’s time to stop doubting this relationship and start with the marriage!

3. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

As nice as it is to think that you could have a boyfriend who has a hobby other than chasing squirrels or a girlfriend who doesn’t Tweet the play-by-play of your sex life, but hey, there are always worse out there, right? As they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Your current girlfriend, the one who keeps Tweeting about how good (or bad) of a lover you are wouldn’t be as bad as a girl, say, Tweeting pictures of your bad form, right? That guy who chases squirrels as a hobby isn’t as bad as you think, either. At least he gets exercise!

4. Pick Someone Already!

This goes out to those of you who are around 30 or perhaps a bit older. Look, societal norms dictate that everyone has around 30-35 years to find their soul mate, but if you fail after that, well, it’s time to stop being so picky and choose someone! They don’t have to be perfect, they just have to have a heartbeat, and even that is negotiable after you hit 40. If you don’t, all of us are going to start asking why you haven’t gotten married yet and asking why no one loves you. And besides, your parents want grand kids. How selfish can you be to deny them of that? Just find someone, settle down, and have kids.       

Hopefully everyone has learned something new today, especially if they were considering a breakup. Seriously, folks, we need fewer breakups and more wedding bells.

* Although, feel free to check their Facebook every now and again so you can see how their life is absolutely terrible without you. Really. You were all they had, and now that you're gone, they've gained 40 pounds and nobody loves them. Meanwhile, you've never looked and felt so good.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

How to Act When Meeting The Parents (For the First Time)

So, your lover actually likes you. In fact, they like you so much that you are going over to meet their parents. Unfortunately, your companion is throwing you right into the fire. It is time to meet the parents. One of two things can happen: Either you ace it and you’re in great shape, on the fast track to bigger and better days, or it doesn’t go so hot. If it doesn’t go well, it’s time to search for a new lover, since you crashed and burned and you now have two parents who hate you, get ready for lonely nights filled with sad movies and crying.* So, how do you ace that crucial meeting? We here at Angry Rose Bushes have all the answers. Since this one tends to be more gender-specific, we will go back to that old familiar format of breaking it down by gender:
Could Pikachu be the answer to acing the first meeting with her parents? Uh...yes.
Image from:

1. What to Wear

You need something classy that shows you are a productive member of society. Ideally something that says “I have a degree and I’m using it to be better than an Usher at the movie theater!”** No all-black leather jackets with the logos of biker gangs, please. Also, no sweat and blood-soaked wife-beaters. Shirts with alcohol and drug paraphernalia or names of condom companies are very, very risky. Save those for after you get married when you don’t have to try anymore.*** Try a nice shirt with some nice pants.

2. Being a Man Sucks

It’s a women’s world, unfortunately, and thus, meeting her parents is difficult. Her Dad will be trying to act tough to show you he’s the dominant male in her life while her Mom will be sizing you up to see if you’re a good person or not.**** Both are probably already leaning towards the idea that no man is good enough for their daughter, especially not someone like you. You’ve got to disarm her Mom with a warm, cuddle-esque hug and your $1 million smile. Then it’s time to make grandiose promises about protecting their daughter to Dad. You have to be prepared to take a bullet for her, unfortunately.*****

3. When It Gets Serious

Let’s say it isn’t going well and you just admitted that you don’t actually have a job that pays more than minimum wage or it slipped that you were a member of a traveling circus in a past life. It is time to pull out all the stops or risk losing your girl forever! Challenge her Dad to a duel or a Pok√©mon battle to prove your toughness. Start flirting aggressively with her Mom so everyone in the room knows how desirable you are. Talk about past lovers and sexual encounters to let it be known that you don’t actually need this to go well. Trust me, these ideas are gold. I would suggest not considering the ramifications of any of these suggestions and simply getting out there and doing them.


1. What To Wear

You are going for something classy and sophisticated here. A tank top with short shorts is not what I’m talking about. Anything you would wear to a party where your goal is getting a one night stand is off limits...unless you are planning for this meeting to fail and are going out partying afterwards. Wearing a sweater and sweat pants that are five sizes too big is the other extreme here. Showing off all of your tattoos with the names of your ex-boyfriends and your ten piercings is risky unless you’re going for the intimidation factor. Try something relatively formal that would not cause his Grandmother to have a heart attack, although hey, if you’ve got it, feel free to show it...a little.

2. Know that This is a War

Your mission is obvious. Impress his Mom. If you don’t impress his Mom, you’re dead in the water. It doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you, if his Mother can’t stand you, you’re screwed. Don’t worry about his Dad. You’re a smart woman, right? Then his Dad will be no problem for you. His Mom, on the other hand, could very well be an issue. You have to prove to her that you can take care of him and that you’re good enough for her son.******

3. Be Prepared to Play some Defense

His Mom is going to attack, you just don’t know how. If you’re going to marry her son, she’s going to want grandkids. She also wants to know you’re high character and aren’t running a secret strip club in your spare time. Do you know what you’ll say when she purposely makes the situation awkward? Remember, only one of you can be the dominant woman in his life. Put on your emotional boxing gloves and don’t be afraid to play dirty. If you have to kiss him on the mouth a few times to show his Mom who’s boss, feel free.

So, all of you out there probably can’t wait to meet your lover’s parents, right? What are some of your craziest experiences with parents?

* But aside from losing the love of your life and likely being single for the rest of eternity, everything’s great!

** My clothes say, “My degree may not be worth anything, but I am awesome usher at the movie theater!” Hopefully you can do better.    

*** “Surprise! This is the real me! BWA ha ha ha, now you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

**** One time, a father had me sit down so he could fill out a profile on me so he could locate me if I kidnapped his daughter. It involved my license, my address, several phone numbers, and the names and occupations of my parents. Another time, I could have sworn a mother was actively hitting on me. Sadness. It really is hard being a guy.

***** See why spending all of your time inside your house watching movies is such a great idea? What are the chances of danger occurring there?

****** You are good enough for her son, right? You’re not secretly evil and planning on cheating on him or anything, are you? Your phone couldn't possibly be filled with over one hundred numbers of guys you want to sleep with, right? If you are secretly evil, he might be fooled, but his Mother won’t be. Come prepared.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Fantastic Reasons to Breakup

Your relationship sucks. Alright, maybe that’s an over exaggeration. You know what? Screw it, it’s not. How do I know this? Well, you’re reading this post, that’s why.* You’re sick of him banging that chick at work who is hotter than you.** Maybe you just realized your girlfriend thinks basketball is played with two goalies and a puck. Either way, you’re starting to get suspicious that maybe you should move on from your significant other. You are probably wondering if your reasoning for breaking up with him/her is legitimate or if you should stay together. And in your time of need, who is always here for you? That’s right, the Angry Rose Bushes blog! So here we go, the following, if they are true in your case, are reasons to dump your current lover:

- You don’t actually like them anymore
- You never actually liked them
- They scare you
- Their kissing feels like their rubbing a brick on your face and their tongue inside your mouth feels like a knife.
- Their voice is so annoying that it makes you want to find a bridge and jump off it. Then if you survive, find another, taller bridge, and jump off that.
- They are currently sleeping with someone who isn’t you.***
- When you have sex, you think of anyone and everyone else because your lover is horrendous. The garbage man. Snooki. It could be anyone.
- The sex is so boring, that you mentally try and name all 100 United States Senators.****
- Their idea of “sexy” is brushing their teeth. This time, with toothpaste.
- They aren’t good at anything. Not even putting on their clothes or eating.
- You both are too comfortable, and your partner hasn’t bathed in over a month.
- Sometimes, while eating, you start crying uncontrollably because you can’t believe someone would date someone like your lover. You start crying because you realize that idiot is you.

Needless to say, if any of the above scenarios describe your situation, you need to run, not walk, to leave this person. Seriously, don’t give any explanation, don’t even tell them, just leave. They’ll know because you’ll have changed your relationship status on Facebook.

Legally, I cannot suggest you actually do this, but if your lover does that to you...see ya! Although, what a way to breakup with someone... No! Do not do this! There.
Image from:

* Some of you may be saying, “no Josh, my relationship doesn’t suck. I am actually one of your loyal readers and I read all of your posts.” First of all, thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate my regular readers. Second of all, for the sake of imagery and artistry, pretend you hate your current lover. You already do? Great.

** Admit it, she is hotter than you. She also has a better personality. Don’t be mad! I’m only the messenger.

*** Careful here, Sparky. I am talking about them cuddling with another person, not actually having sex with another person. Some people are turned on by the thought of their partner banging someone else.

**** comment.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Stuff that Scares the Stuffing Out of Me

Look, I know the stereotypes that exist in America. Men aren’t supposed to have feelings. We can’t cry, we can’t have a high-pitched voice, and we can’t be scared of anything. Emotions are reserved for women. Well, let’s call it what it is. Those stereotypes are pure crap. We’re all human beings and we all have emotions. When The Notebook or Up! is on, how can one not cry?* I will admit it, there are things in this world I am afraid of. Alright, so there are a lot of them. Here is my list of what I am afraid of, although I am sure this isn’t everything:

Aggressive women with boxing gloves? Uh...I'll pass.
Image from:

- My ex-girlfriend
- Nightmares
- Being Scared**
- Nightmares***
- Aggressive women
- Shy women
- Women with red hair
- Women with blonde hair that has a reddish tint
- Jewish Girls****
- Scary looking animals
- High-Fructose Corn Syrup
- Dolphins*****
- Alcohol
- Parties
- Fun
- Commitment
- Women who are bigger and taller than me******
- The entire city of Madison, Wisconsin

* At least this is what I tell myself. I have cried for far less. Heck, sometimes you just wake up sad. Come on, don’t try and tell me you haven’t cried in class before. One time, I was on a date, and I started crying at the end of the movie but the girl I was with did not. It did not end well. You know what? Why am I admitting all of this to you? This post isn’t even about crying. *sniffle*

** I don’t watch scary movies because they might scare me. What person in their right mind actually enjoys being scared?

*** The problem is, when one doesn’t watch scary movies, one still has nightmares. One time, a kangaroo kidnapped me, put me in her pouch, and raised me as her kid. Scared the stuffing out of me. Another time, I was tortured by men who tried to make me eat Skittles. Scary stuff.

**** I would like to make a special shout-out to the girl I am dating, who is Jewish. Hi Lauren!

***** Did you see that dolphin that took a bite out of that kid? I knew they weren’t all friendly, but no one believed me.

****** Hi again, Lauren!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Workplace Rules That Should Not Exist

Sounds a lot more like "You can't, you can't, you definitely can never do that..."
Image From:

Sometimes, I get really frustrated by all of these workplace rules. I completely understand some of them, but others, well, I don’t know. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. One moron decides to write something obscene on the walls in permanent marker, and pretty soon, all Sharpies are banned from the building. The following are a list of activities forbidden at my workplace that I am fervently against for a wide variety of reasons. I may or may not have partaken in these activities, I will never actually admit to any of them, however:

- Placing new employees into trash receptacles and rolling them down small hills.*
- Public displays of affection with guests or employees. PDA includes: Licking, biting, kissing, and “heavy petting.”**
- Cuddling while on the clock.
- Spontaneously hugging guests.
- Hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and then jumping out to scare guests while screaming, “I know what you did last Christmas!”
- Randomly breaking into sprints and jumping over objects and/or small children.
- Egging the cars in the parking lot.
- Egging the homes of employees or managers.
- Keying “Snooki was here” onto cars in the parking lot.
- Painting an Angry Rose Bushes logo onto anything.
- Attempting to find a cougar to date while on the clock as long as her husband is next to her.***
- Hitting on women older than 75.
- Asking guests if I can pet their furry boots.
- Pretending my name is actually Terry Feathersworth and speaking with an Alaskan accent.

Now you see what I have to deal with. Look at all of these restrictions! Are there any workplace rules you believe are too constraining?

* I called this, “breaking in the new people” and “Ushing initiation.” For whatever reason, no one ever warmed to the idea.
** And here I thought the point of a business was to promote love in the world. And come on, what the heck does “heavy petting” even mean?
*** That’s right! There’s nothing in the rules about stealing a man’s wife while on the clock if he has gone to the bathroom. Has Desperate Housewives and Cougar Town taught you nothing? Women love cheating on their husbands with men who know how to properly clean a toilet.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Preparing for the End of the World (In 3 Weeks)

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but the world will be ending on December 21, 2012. No need to look up that date or the facts backing it up, just trust me on this one. You have to get out of this denial and face the fact that you have less than a month to complete everything you ever wanted to do before you die. Right now, I would recommend selling all of your stuff, asking all of the people you want to date for their numbers, and forgetting about stupid stuff like homework and work. As if that stuff is going to help you after the 21st anyway.* No one will care about money in a month, anyway. In a month, everything will disappear. The only thing left would have been Twinkies, but after Hostess went bankrupt, everyone decided to eat them all.** But I digress. Here are several activities I plan on partaking in on December 20th, one day before life as we know it ends:

1. Beg My Ex To Get Back Together With Me

“Beg” is a strong word, but I think it applies here. I am willing to cry, plead, text obsessively, and do anything else necessary to get her to leave her current boyfriend and come back to me. What do I have to lose? Here are some of the phrases I plan on hitting her with, “I may not be as attractive or fun as I was back then, but my cuddling has really improved!” “My Mom thinks we would make really cute babies.” “I have a college degree and thus, can get us into free movies anytime with my job at the movie theater!” One of these is bound to work.

2. Admit Someone Else May Be Right

I have been around a long time, but in all that time, I have never actually been wrong about anything. Oh sure, when I was a baby, nobody cared about my genius and they only cared about my general cuteness, but as the years went by and I started talking and my attractiveness faded, my greatness has mattered more. Even though I haven’t been wrong about anything in over 20 years, I may be willing to see a position from a different viewpoint. Perhaps “the tickle test” isn’t the best way to find a wife. Maybe bragging to everyone that my Mom is my best friend isn’t the brightest idea. We shall see on December 20th.

3. Eat Everything in Sight

Screw health and weight loss goals. I am going to eat anything and everything. Stuff I’m allergic to, foods that are bad for me, and heck, even foods I don’t even like. Who is going to stop me? It’s the end of the freakin’ world! Foods I plan on eating include: bread, cupcakes, and cookies.

4. Give Everyone I See Free Hugs

I’ve always felt that we’ve needed more love in the world. Politicians, soldiers, and professional athletes need to embrace hugging things out. Wars should be settled by which side can show more affection for the other side. How can you be mad at someone who embraces you in a loving hug? I remember back in the day, there was a certain gentleman who tried to kill me, but the next time I saw him, he gave me a bear hug. I couldn’t stay mad. Thus, on the 20th, I plan on hugging any and all willing people. It goes without saying that the 20th will be a Cuddle-A-Thon. Get ready to talk about your feelings!

5. Spend Money

As a Jew, this is probably the toughest one for me. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve actually spent money. Food? Clothes? Gas? Etc? All paid for by my parents, who I live with. Gifts for people? Well, those are typically purchased with money I’ve found on the ground, so that doesn’t count. I am excited to actually go out and spend money on something. I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but I’m terrified of what will happen after I do it.

6. Act Incredibly Suspicious For the Sake of It

I’ve always wanted to do this. I plan on dressing in all-black clothes, going inside stores, picking up random items, and then sprinting around the store. The workers there won’t know what to do. I also plan on hiding behind large objects, such as trash cans, and jumping out and surprising people, screaming in Hebrew.*** BWA ha ha ha ha! I am an evil genius.

* This may or may not be a thinly veiled attempt to get you to slack off so your boss will fire you and I can swoop in to take your job. You’ve got to appreciate my honesty, right?

** Way to think short-term and not keep hundreds of boxes in storage for the apocalypse, idiots.

*** I don’t actually know Hebrew, so screaming fake words at people will have to do.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

How to Survive Thanksgiving (With People You Don't Actually Like)

Thanksgiving’s existence is baffling. It is a day that makes most of us miserable.* Vegetarians are angry that we’re pretty much ignoring them for a day and the rest of us are thrown together with relatives we don’t actually like. There is a reason why you see some people only once a year. Meanwhile, my football team hasn’t won on this day in the last nine years. Ugh. Why do we do this to ourselves and is there any way out of the vortex? As always, I provide answers in the form of tips:

1. Don’t Watch Football

It’s a Thanksgiving tradition, I get it, but this year, save yourself. As a Lions fan, I watch my team on Thanksgiving every single year. They haven’t actually won a game on Thanksgiving since 2003. Each year, the world doesn’t get to see how bad the Lions are until Thanksgiving, but on that day, the cat is out of the bag and everybody knows. This year they are 4-6 and facing the 9-1 Texans. Please watch something else. Anything else. I will be watching the game, but that’s only because I hope against hope that we won’t lose by 30.

2. How to Survive Dealing With People You Don’t Actually Like

Everyone has an Aunt Agnes and an Uncle Harry or some derivative. Nobody likes these two characters. Heck, they don’t like themselves. They’ve cheated on each other five times in the past two weeks with six different lovers.** They’ve been talking about getting divorced even before they were married. Yet, they come to Thanksgiving dinner and we are all supposed to act friendly. Screw that. Why wreck an entire day and dinner? Instead, fan the flames. When the conversation lulls, ask Uncle Harry what he did last weekend when you know he was hooking up in the back of his pick-up truck with his mistress. Ask Aunt Agnes if she thinks she found her soul mate and find out the secrets to a great marriage. At that point, sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Watch out for the inevitable food fight.

Summary: Stir up Thanksgiving drama because it's fun.

3. Go to Someone Else’s House

Who wants to do dishes, make sure nobody steals stuff, and clean up after the food fight that will ensue once Aunt Agnes and Uncle Harry remember that they hate each other? Not you. I know it’s last minute, but make sure not to have anything of any importance at your house. I have begun taking this rule more seriously after years of finding condom wrappers and empty bottles strewn about my house.***

4. The Food

If you’re like me, you don’t stop eating until all the food is gone or you’ve gained 10 pounds. If there is food in front of me, I’m going to eat it. You’ve all heard that you should wear tight pants and generally tight clothes to prevent yourself from eating the whole turkey alone with dessert. That’s terrible advice. You’re going to look horrible after consuming all that food in those clothes. The buttons on your jeans/pants are going to pop**** and you’ll get gravy all over that nice new outfit. Instead, eat something about an hour before dinner and you won’t feel that full. Oh, you’ll still gain weight and your lover won’t love you as much for about a week, but it’s better than saying “I’ll control myself” and trusting yourself. That never actually works.

5. Don’t Invite Your Lover!

Face it, your family is insane. My family is insane. Thus, do not invite your lover to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a horrible idea. You’re essentially committing sexual suicide. Instead, why not show your lover pictures of you during your awkward teenage years? What a turn-on. Everyone knows what will happen if your lover is invited to Thanksgiving Dinner. Your family will make rude comments and look generally unruly, Aunt Agnes will tell her she looks like a slut. Uncle Harry will keep seductively winking at her. And what’s the best case scenario? Everything goes well, then next year when you’ve broken up, everyone will ask you what happened and every person you bring to dinner will be compared to her. Save yourself! Tell your lover to go kiss a porcupine if they insist on coming to dinner.

* For Jews, that day is Christmas, a.k.a., The Worst Day in the World, but that’s another post for another day.

** Figure that one out. The math works, but it’s complicated.

*** That is, unless you want someone to say, “hey, remember Thanksgiving Dinner? That’s where baby Trevor was consummated! Good times, good times. Did we mention we had sex on your bed?”

**** That’s only happened to me once in the past two weeks.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Defining the Perfect Man

Is Channing Tatum The Perfect Man? Not according to the women I talked to.
Image From:

Let’s flashback four days. I was planning a companion post for my “The Perfect Woman” entry, but I had zilch. Actually, I had less than zilch. I figured it was going to be a bad post that no one would read and we would all move on. In other words, I was screwed. Then everything changed. I opened up the floor to women. Wow. I was and am still absolutely blown away by the responses I got. Guys, we’ve got some serious work to do. These women blasted me with more responses than I have ever received. So what do women define as “the perfect man?” Let’s find out:

Legal Notice: As usual, if you are under 18, please do not read this post. Thank you in advance.

1. Have the “Right” Tool(s)

Do you want to know which gender is more sexual? I’ll tell you, it’s women, and it’s not close. How do I know this? When I did the post on The Perfect Woman, not one guy mentioned anything even remotely sexual. For this one? Virtually every single woman mentioned sex. In fact, two specifically mentioned the right type of “tool” they desire a man to have. Surprisingly, both were so different in their descriptions* that it’s impossible throw out what exactly The Perfect Man might be packing. Anyway, in case you were wondering, “it” does matter. A lot.

2. Be Good at Sex or Die

The Perfect Man is not a selfish lover and he puts the needs and desires of the woman before himself. This was a common theme throughout the correspondences. Women want a man who cares if she is satisfied in the bedroom, end of story. One woman even told me she would not hesitate to cheat on a selfish lover. She went on to say that, no matter what else he had going for him, if he couldn’t please her in the bedroom, she would kick him to the curb. Another stated The Perfect Man would give favors and not expect anything in return. If you are a selfish lover and are currently in a relationship, I can assure you your woman is currently being some other guy. How should you cure your disease of being a selfish lover? Easy. Don’t do anything with a woman, not even a hug, for 10 years. After 10 years, a Genie will appear and grant you three wishes. Trust me.

3. Have an Awesome Life Plan

As we have discovered through numbers 1 and 2, women love talking about sex all the time. For us guys, that is downright troubling. We just want to cuddle, right? And women just look at us as sex objects. Life is unfortunately not fair. Anyway, another common theme traced through every single message was that women want their Perfect Man to have a plan for his life. You don’t have to be a millionaire right now, but you have to know where you’re going in life and make sure your woman is excited about it. She’ll want to come along for the ride. How to do this? Have an exciting plan. Be ambitious. Want to write the World’s Greatest Blog and outline a plan to declare yourself The World’s Greatest Usher? Women will love you! What about solving world hunger and ending disease in Africa? While not as cool as being The World’s Greatest Usher, it’s not a bad start. In other words, if you have a degree in something completely idiotic and are planning on living in your parents’ basement for the next 10 years, women probably won’t love you.**

4. Know What You Believe In

The Perfect Man knows what he stands for. It’s not anything specific. Maybe you like evil, pigs, and ticklish porcupines. That’s cool. Maybe you stand for fairness, ensuring the women you date feel safe all the time, and promoting joy in the world. While not as cool as having a pig as a pet or finding a ticklish porcupine, those values matter to women. If you don’t know what you believe in, how can a women support you? She’s effectively supporting nothing.

5. Lead

I’ll admit, I aggregated all of the responses and added this one myself. The Perfect Man knows how to lead his woman. When he feels she wants to be kissed, he doesn’t ask, he brushes her hair back from her face and kisses her. In the movie theater, he appropriately pretends to yawn and then puts his arm around her. He opens car doors and makes sure she gets home safely if she drives herself home.*** If you are still uttering sentences such as, “uhh...can I, like, kiss you, like, please?” Find a fwuffy**** pillow, whack yourself in the head with it, and then call me in the morning. If pillow therapy doesn’t work, I would recommend buying 12 cats.

So, women, are you all really that simple to figure out? Did I miss anything? Are you guys really this sex-obsessed? Let me know in the comments or by email!

* And yes, they did both describe them in detail. I could have done with less detail, but it was kind of like a train wreck, I couldn’t stop reading.

** Not that I would know or anything. Women love me. Well, at least my Mom does...usually.

*** Especially when one lives in a dangerous place such as my home town. We have no rats in my city, because the rats know they can do better. There isn’t a hospital, either, because the state of Illinois decided long ago that if someone lives in my town, that they’re probably not worth saving anyway. The nearest legitimate hospital is 30 minutes away.

**** That’s right, fwuffy! It’s different than fluffy.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Defining the Perfect Woman

If there is one thing everyone should know by now, it is that with anything regarding relationships, I am here to do one of two things: help you immensely or send you off on a wild good chase. Today, I plan on doing the former. Too often, women spend their Saturdays watching chick flicks wondering, “what do men want in a woman? Aren’t I awesome?”* I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that no, you are not the perfect woman, but the good news is that this post will help you become that woman. Any woman who is not exactly like the one I describe below will inevitably be dateless and depressed. That’s right. Remember when you were growing up and everyone always used to say “every woman is a snowflake, special in her own way.” Unfortunately, they were just being nice. In reality, only one woman is “the perfect woman.” I’ll give you a hint, Chanel Blanch.

1. DTC - Down To Cuddle

That’s right. This is number one. If there were a number zero, this would be it. We say we want the hottest woman in the world with the perfect body and an amazing personality. Ladies, that is merely our rough exterior. Inside, guys are softer than marshmallows with their oooey-gooey centers. Would you really respect us if we told you what we really wanted? Well, I am willing to risk my masculinity to tell you. All we really want is an amazing cuddler. We want to get into bed with you, pull you close to our chest, and talk about our feelings nonstop. The perfect woman would listen intently, tell the guy how good he is at cuddling, and ensure the guy feels safe about sharing his innermost secrets. If you have this down, you’re good to go. If you don’t, then whatever else you do won’t matter.

2. The Look/The Clothes**

The Perfect Woman looks at herself in the mirror every morning, ideally more than 10 times, and tells herself how awesome she looks, because she does look awesome. She doesn’t have anything in her closet that makes her look bad***, she wakes up every morning to put on $300 worth of makeup and do her hair. She doesn’t have to wake up early for breakfast because breakfast is always a piece of fruit, raw broccoli, or some other vegetable that not only is full of nutritional value, but is also very low-calorie and tastes positively terrible. Food that tastes good such as cookies, cakes, sugar, and pizza, are for those of us who aren’t very attractive. She has dark hair and is shorter than us by a couple of inches. If you’re blonde or a redhead, I would get on that, and fast.

3. Femininity, Please

How will we know you’re a woman unless you hit us over the head with it? We need pink and purple. Everyday. I am talking bows in your hair, high-pitched voice at all times, and being extremely girly. That stuff is like catnip for guys. She knows that, as a woman, her role is to cook, clean, take care of the house, and encourage her man to fulfill his dreams. It doesn’t all have to be restrictive. Guys love moms and being cared for. Your truly, in particular.***** There’s nothing like a woman pinching your cheeks and talking in a baby voice to set the mood.

The Correct Answer: Michelle Branch. Pretending to play the guitar while wearing skinny jeans? More please.
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4. Cleanliness

The Perfect Woman values cleanliness. Her room does not look like a tornado hit it. Her car should look and smell nice and not have stuff from 1991 in it. Her bathroom should not have tampons and pregnancy tests strewn about.**** Ideally, she has showered more than once in the past three months. She does not use perfume to mask the fact that she doesn’t like to shower.

5. Personality

Stereotypically, guys do not care about a woman’s personality. Here at Angry Rose Bushes, we are firmly entrenched in gender roles and stereotypes from 1913, so no, guys do not care nearly as much about personality as everything else on this list, but it does matter. Guys want a caring woman who is generally a nice person. She is nice to animals and small children. She has not harmed any of her past boyfriends in any measurable way, is not skilled with any kind of deadly weapon, and is not the type to get enraged over small things like cheating on her or cuddling with other women. She is extremely confident in her abilities and has a high self-esteem.

This picture screams "I have a personality! And look how amazing I look expressing it!"
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6. Money

Remember back in the day when I said we only reinforce stereotypes here? Well, in just one paragraph, I have changed my mind. Conventional wisdom says women are gold diggers, but one of life’s best kept secrets is that guys actually want a rich woman more than women want a rich guy. We don’t care how she got her money, well, alright, one or two “professions” might not make us too happy, but we will love a woman for being incredibly rich. That means we get to stay home all day and do absolutely nothing. It also means we can afford 10 kids. Who wants to work anyway? Not us.

I’m not saying this is a perfect list, but I would definitely date this theoretical woman and propose to her on the third date.

So, did I nail it? Was I way off on anything? Hit me up in the comments section.

* If you were that awesome, you would have hundreds of dates and daily marriage proposals. How do I know that I’m awesome? Well, a 75-year old woman hit on me the other day right in front of her husband. Her husband had to pull her away. Her name is Ethel. I’ll admit it, I flirted back.

** Didn’t I just say that looks and personality doesn’t matter very much? I did. However, without looking your best and using that stuff to pull him in, how will he ever discover your amazing cuddling ability? Women seem to think their looks are everything, but in reality, your cuddling is everything, but it is everything else that causes us to find out about your cuddling.

*** To see what I mean by this in a serious and healthy way, check out The Bird Days blog for a woman who knows how to put together a wardrobe. See her Wonder Woman shirt? That’s because The Perfect Woman is so rare, she’s actually a superhero of sorts. Jennie knows what’s up.

**** And it definitely should not have positive pregnancy tests with names and numbers of guys on them...don’t ask.

***** My Mom is my best friend. There, I said it.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Unfortunate Consequences of Speaking Before Thinking

As many of you may know, a very close friend of mine* is known for having a bit of a blunt as a bat, hardcore honest, balls to the wall, type of personality. Unfortunately, this type of loose-cannon behavior has backfired once or twice. Here are some of the more unfortunate examples of refusing to think before one speaks:

“Your Honor, I motion that the Plaintiff be declared too stupid to live. How could he not be paying enough attention to notice a speeding car heading right for him? Most people would jump out of the way or something, but not this Bozo. If anything, I am the victim here.”

“You know what? There is nothing I could say to you that would make you finding two pregnancy tests here acceptable, so think what you want to think.”

"You are a horrible parent. What person, in their right mind, stands outside of their kids' bedroom cheering on the sexcapades going on inside?"

“Are you guys all going out to ‘shoot your homies?’ Isn’t that what all the kids are saying these days?”**

“Are you seriously allowed to tie me up, blindfold me, and leave me here? Isn’t that against the rules? Was that some work email I missed?”

“Babe, look, you’re not that hot. If I were to leave you here you might get 8 dollars, and that’s only if there are some desperate gentlemen out on the streets tonight.”

“Wow, I am so awesome at my job. You should give me a raise and call me Sheila. You know what? Hold the Sheila, just give me the raise.”

“This is absolutely terrible. Where did you learn to cook, Truck Driving School?”

“I’m not going to say that kissing you is like kissing a porcupine since I have never actually kissed a porcupine, but I would imagine the experiences are similar. Why do you use your teeth so much?”

“If we were the last two people on Earth, I still wouldn’t date you. Humankind would die out. No repopulating the world fantasies.”

“Look, I am not your Fwuffy-wuffykins and would really appreciate it if you stopped sending these pictures to me. I am not your girlfriend.”

“You probably should have told me you were married, I don’t know, five hours ago. And no, I am not “in the mood” anymore.”

“I would definitely call you an Ugly Duckling to Swan story. You used to be really ugly but clearly you made some drastic changes in your life. Great work.”

“I am actually booked solid for the next four years, but yeah, I would love to hang out with you.”

"Every law should have a Cuddle Clause."

"Are you kidding me? I'd sell my own Grandma to make a buck. Heck, I'd sell her for 50 cents. Any takers?"

* See? It's not me! Believe me!

** This is apparently not what all of the kids are saying these days, but hey, it was worth a shot. Right?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Responding to the Troubling Questions of My Readers

Some events can change the very direction of one’s life. The other day, such an event occurred. Some gentleman asked me for an autograph. Oh sure, he was a cashier at Whole Foods and it was a credit card transaction, but it impacted me nonetheless. I dream of the day that someone does ask me for an autograph and that it makes that sheet of paper worth more, not less. In any case, I have been inundated with emails, real and fictitious, for weeks now, and it is time I responded to some of you guys in a more public forum. Names have been changed, cities have been made up, but the sheer insanity of some of you, I hope, still comes through. Look, I love you guys, but some of you scare the crap of me. Without further ado*:

“Dude, you suck. Seriously. The only thing yur gud at is spelllling. Your posts suck. Did I mention you suck? You do. Angry Rose Bushes sucks. I hope you go thru life sucking. You probably suck at ushering too.” - Tiny Tim (Tally Teddy Tuesday, Texas)

Dear Tim, you’re wrong. I am awesome at ushing. That’s why the fictitious National Ushing Association declared me Greatest Usher in the World. Everything else, well, you bring up some good points. - Josh (The basement in my parents’ house)

“Hi Josh, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I’m wondering if we should break up. I just found out he doesn’t want kids and I want 7. He also says he hates your blog, you might know him as Tiny Tim (take a guess what he’s referring too ;) ). What should I do? I’m scared because what if no one else loves me?” - Taylor Teagarden (Ticklish Tortoise, Toronto)

Dear Taylor, well, first of all, Ah ha! I am on to you, Tiny Tim! Secondly, 5 years? 5 years? Do you know how many times people get married and divorced over a 5-year period? Kim Kardashian is about to be on her third marriage and none of them lasted 5 months. Heck, one didn’t last 5 days. Hopefully Snooki's engagement will end in the next five minutes so I can start dating her. In any case, when exactly was this going to come up? When you guys get together, what do you talk about? When you told me he hated my blog, that was it for me. It is a legitimate concern that no one will ever love you again, so you might just want to stay with him to be sure. If you do need a rebound, though, I am tentatively available. - Josh (Still in the basement)

Does Snooki's engagement need to end now so I can date her?
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“I wanted to let you know how awesome you are and how much I want to give you a giant hug. What should I do?” - Mat** (Hernon Mills, Illinois)

Hello gentleman who I pray is not Nat, well, you could add me on Facebook or like the Angry Rose Bushes page on Facebook and stalk me until we “accidentally” run into each other. I would only be a little suspicious. - Josh (Pacing around...still in the basement)

“How do we know these are actually questions and you’re not just making all of them up to take up space?” - Angry (Angry, Arizona) me? You know what, on second thought, that's probably the worst advice I've ever given. Question everything. Maybe we should give our houses to the fish and we should live in the sea so they can fish for us? Maybe instead of kissing, we should lick each others' backs.  - Josh (Eating my feelings with organic food, still in the basement)

"You are a genius! I took your advice from your 5 Ways to Survive the Workplace post and started flirting hardcore with my boss. I am now his boss. You rock!" Nora Nosington (Living the Good Life)

Hey Nora, well, I am slightly concerned, nay, I am deeply, deeply worried about your email. That was total sarcasm, you weren't actually supposed to try to get ahead by being seductive. I am also slightly curious about the difference between hardcore and soft-core flirting, but I think for my own good, you shouldn't tell me.*** - Josh (Scared half to death, but still stuffing my face)

* If you would like to email me a 10-page email with all of your problems, of if you just want to chat, you can hit me up at AngryRoseBushes AT Gmail DOT Com. 

** I, too, am troubled by how many gentlemen would like to get in contact with me. If you are a woman and would like to contact and/or stalk me, I would recommend finding out what I want in a woman from this post and what you can expect from me. You may also want to sharpen your first date skills here . Also, a little bit of Facebook stalking couldn’t hurt.

*** Unfortunately, she did tell me what the difference is and it is really scary. For future reference, please do not flirt with the boss to get ahead as it is probably illegal. You are to stay at your current place on the corporate ladder no matter what.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Sex Secrets

Very rare is it that a blogger with only five committed readers has a chance to change the world. Well, my time has come. After reading this post, you will be able to toss out your copy of the Kama Sutra, get rid of your subscription to Cosmo, and stop watching porn forever. Man, I better get to that list before I dig myself any deeper into this hole of high expectations. This, unsurprisingly, will be split up between men and women. However, I would highly, highly, recommend sneaking a peek at the other sex’s list.

LEGAL NOTE: Please do not read if you are under 18 years of age or it is illegal for you to view this in your area. Thank you.


1. When He Goes In For The Kiss

We have discussed how men are a lot like kangaroos, but in this case, you need to play hard to get. He’s trying to kiss you, not the other way around. So, to keep intrigue high, smack him in the lips when his mouth is most vulnerable. Don’t punch him in the lips like you would a shark, just a playful smack that says “hey, not so fast, cupcake.” He’ll love you more for it.

2. It’s All About The “C” Word

Do you want to know why so many relationships end? It’s not why you think. It’s because women are not very good at the “C” word. I am, of course, talking about cuddling. Back in my day before fire had been discovered, women knew how to cuddle. Now, all of you are atrocious at it, and that is putting it nicely. You can’t lay there like a lifeless log and call it cuddling. Men don’t want to lay in bed naked with you, we want to hold you close and talk about our feelings. The fact that so many women are so bad at this is what makes us cheat. If you can’t cuddle, we’ll get someone in who will.

3. The Light Switch

Please, when you’re getting ready to have some fun, keep the lights on. We want to see what you actually look like. Would you like to know what we’re thinking if you want every light in the city turned off before you take off your sweater? This is our exact in-head conversation, “wow, she must have every guy she sleeps with sign his name in Sharpie like a freakin’ yearbook on her stomach and she doesn’t want me to see.” Don’t be a yearbook, keep the lights on. If your past trysts have signed their names in Sharpie, make sure to invest in Magic Markers or pencils.

4. When He Won’t Make a Move

First, if you’re with a guy who, despite you throwing condoms in his face, won’t even get close to initiating sex, text me so I can buy a pie and throw it in his face. In actuality, you just have to keep pushing. If you initiate sex, well, our minds will go a million miles a minute wondering why you’re being so forward. However, you can drop “subtle” hints such as showing up to his house naked, or something. Remember, subtlety beats blunt every time. Check here for some fun ideas.

Women, as a general piece of advice, make sure to get the "over the shoulder" look down.

1. Plan The Day

Always, always be ready. It is your job, as the man, to do absolutely everything. Plan the day, make sure she feels comfortable, and transition from there. And yes, this is all going down at your house. Do not, do not, do not, do not have sex at her house the first, second, fifth, or sixth times. Trust me, her house is a mess, stuff is thrown everywhere, and she hasn’t washed a dish since 2010. Besides, at your house, you have home field advantage.

2. Wrap That Rascal

I pray you know what I mean by this. I know I have historically said, “sex is supposed to be free,” but, well, it can’t be. The hottest thing in 2012 is pregnancy. It used to be women would lose 20 pounds or buy new clothes, but this year, they’re getting knocked up. It’s a fad. If you don’t want an 18-year commitment of your own*, I would suggest ensuring you don’t get anyone pregnant. Perhaps you swear off sex for the next two months and wait for 2013? It wouldn’t be a bad idea. Just know that if your woman hasn’t had a kid this year, well, she only has two months left to get one. Look alive out there.

3. Evaluate Her

While you’re doing the deed, you should not just be thinking about other women and what you want to eat for dinner.** Everyone wants to know how they did, so feel free to rank her on a 10-point scale and compare her to other girls you’ve been with in order to tell her what she can do better. If you don’t tell her what she did wrong, she’ll keep doing it and that would be horrible.

4. Set the Rules

Before it gets hot and heavy, make sure to sit her down and discuss the do’s and don’t’s. What do you definitely want and definitely want to never see? Ask her the same thing. For example, my rules are the following: I do not like to be punched, kicked, or aggressively licked. I don’t like being scratched, bitten, or tied up.*** Your guidelines may vary.


Look, there can only be one desirable person in a relationship, it is your job to be that person.**** You must do this by playing hard to get and being generally awesome in every measurable way. This is why all relationships are essentially wars. You’re both competing to be desirable but only one person can win.

It is your job to tell every potential and current lover how good you are in the bedroom. If you don’t tell them, how will they know? Those who talk and brag the most have the best sex lives.

Remember, above all else, have fun! This is supposed to be a low pressure, relaxing exercise.***** Make the most out of it and ensure that your partner does as well and everything will be fine...or it will end up horrendously with crying, scratches, and bruised lips. The choice is yours!

* Also known as a “kid” or “child.” That’s right. After 18-years, they’re on their own. Heck, I say that’s pretty generous. Other animals give their young far less time.

** Someone I am very close to used to mentally name all of the U.S. Senators. Congress was a turn on for this gentleman.        

*** I don’t care what anyone says, that stuff hurts. No, it does not matter if you’re “in the throes of passion,” scratch marks take a week to go away. Did I mention all of that stuff hurts?

**** There can definitely be a relationship with no desirable people in it. I have, unfortunately, been in my share of those.    

***** Unofficially burning 2 calories every three hours.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

5 Ways to Spice Up Your Workplace

After a while, work is not exciting. It’s the same thing over and over again. Why clean? Everything just gets dirty again. Why stock everything? It’ll just get sold. The list goes on. Naturally, all of us are looking for ways to make work more exciting. Back in my day, this included replacing our stone tablets with cash registers and speaking English instead of Latin. In 2012, I am happy to say there are better ways to add excitement to one’s work day. Below, I present five such ways.

WARNING/Legal Disclaimer: What follows is informational/satirical and not to be taken literally. The author cannot take responsibility for following this advice as it is likely frowned upon in all 50 states. Please do not attempt anything that follows at any point, ever. Thank you.

1. Rank the Attractiveness of Everyone You Work With

Heck, have everyone make a list and share. Trust me, the top 5 will generally be agreed upon. To make it more dramatic and sexually suggestive, have all of the girls rank the guys and vice-versa and then compare. This does so many shady things at once. It makes people feel good and bad all while passing the time. This works even better if there is a couple at the office. Obviously, if they’re honest with themselves, they will think someone else is hotter. The lists make for conversations that will span weeks. As a general rule of good karma, I would not recommend scanning and posting these lists to the internet, nor making a blog post about how you did this at your place of employment.*

2. Rank Everyone By Personality

Alright, so that last exercise ended a couple of relationships and caused massive turmoil among everyone you work with, right? Time to raise the stakes and make your workplace even more like Jersey Shore. Nobody in the real world actually cares how sexy someone else is, what it really comes down to is personality. Those of us who have fantastic personalities** should not be penalized because we’re not very attractive and haven’t been in a relationship since before smart phones were invented.*** Obviously, personality is the most important part of anyone. Do the same as #1, but only include personality. Perhaps the most beautiful person at the office uses the tears of others to brew their coffee in the morning? You know how they say the hot ones are always insane? Well, here you’ll get to put a number to it.

3. Become The Rumor Mill

I am not one for rumors, but I have heard people talk at work. For the sake of fun, you must become the Kingpin of idle chat-chit. Whenever someone is talking about someone else’s business, you’ll be there. Whenever someone changes their Facebook relationship status, you’ll get an update. And when anything of any importance occurs, you’ll be the first to know. Pretty soon, you’ll know everything about everyone. That’s when you spring into action. You become the power broker and people fear your sharp tongue. Not only that, but think about all of the excitement all of this knowledge will bring you! Sure, a lot won’t get done and you’ll be exhausted from all of the gossiping, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

4. Kiss-Up to the Boss

Moving up the corporate ladder is priority one. Everyone loves someone who laughs at all of their jokes, compliments them every five minutes, and agrees with them about everything****, thus, to get promoted, you must do all of these things everyday. If you have a choice between working and brown nosing, well, one will get you promoted, and the other will make you more productive. Choose wisely.

5. Get Into a Workplace Relationship

My final idea is also the most risky. With great risk, comes great responsibility...or something. Ideally, you get into a romantic relationship with a workplace power broker, flaunt the relationship until you can’t do it anymore, and post tons and tons of kissing pictures on Facebook. If that doesn’t get you promoted, I don’t know what will. Of course, if you break-up with said person, work will become like kissing a porcupine every single day. Like I said, high-risk, high-reward. But man, when this blows up in your face, it really gets you. Good Luck!

* Ahem, this is more of a “do as I say, not as I do,” rule.

** Such as Yours truly, of course.

*** Unfortunately, this may also be me.

**** Women who want to date me, take note.

Original Image found here:

Thank you to Nat Brautigam for the concept of this post.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Nitty Gritty Relationship History

Ever wish a "reset" button for relationship history existed? Yeah, me neither. All of my past relationships have gone so well, why would I want to forget any of them? What follows is a summary of the last 14 “relationships” I have been a part of. I have "relationships" in quotes because not all of these are officially relationships in all 50 states. To keep it short, I have limited each response to three lines or less. I can imagine all of the questions you may have already: “Josh, why 14?” and “Josh, did all of these things actually happen?” The answers are: because 14 is a cool number. No, some of these things probably did not happen and I am probably making some of these up, but hey, try and figure out which are legitimate. These are both chronologically ordered and random at the same time.
SPOILER: Please notice a pattern among all of these scenarios. I am not the cause of any of these breakups. I am the victim in each case. Most importantly, I am never actually wrong.

1. She cheated on me with someone who was more attractive, smarter, and was on track for an actual job. Seriously, he had me beat in every single facet of life that is in any way meaningful.*

2. I was very busy crying about the fact that girl number one had cheated on me with someone who was so awesome. It didn’t make for a good time.

3. I found out she feasted on the hopes and dreams of children and she kept a journal of every man’s heart that she broke along the way. I am probably in her journal.

4. I found out she is a lesbian. It ended up being a problem. The girl she began dating shortly after wasn’t as attractive as I am, so I don’t know what her deal was.

5. She tried to impress me by showing me a chemistry experiment where she set herself on fire. The experiment failed and she was caught ablaze for a minute. I ran around in circles panicking and left without seeing her again.**

6. On the first date, she told me she had been suspended from school as a teenager a couple of times, once for punching a teacher. I looked at her, then looked at me, realized she could beat me down at any moment, and I broke it off.

7. She regaled me with tales of her wild and crazy party days when she hooked up with two guys at once and woke up the next morning still drunk. The problem? That day was the night before our first date.

8. I was hit with the unhappy news that she was actually married. She actually didn’t want the day to end. She told me “you look like you’ll be a way better lover than my husband.” Needless to say, she never got to find out.

9. She was way too nice and kept calling me “honey” and “sweetie.” That would have been okay had I been a dog, but I am not a dog.

10. Her and I were the same height, but she kept insisting on wearing high heels and high shoes everywhere. Come on, man, help me feel taller by wearing regular shoes.

11. She said she wanted to “watch a movie” together. We did and I actually watched the movie. Apparently she didn’t actually want to watch it. What’s worse? I cried at the ending and she didn’t. She was probably crying on the inside for a different reason.

12. She told me going out with me was going to make her boyfriend unbelievably jealous. I was unaware that she had a boyfriend. I was also unaware his nickname was “The Hammer.” I ran out of there so faster than cheetah chasing a chicken.

13. We went out and she barely said anything. She smiled a couple of times, but I may as well have been conversing with myself. I have had deeper conversations with paintings and trees. I don’t need philosophic insights, but any sign of life would be nice, even from a shy girl.

14. She actually tried kissing me first. Is this not America? Since when do women kiss men first? No freakin’ way. I, as the guy, am supposed to decide whether we kiss. If a woman makes that choice for me, then what separates us from the animals?

* In her defense, if I met a girl who was better than the girl I was dating at the time, I probably would have left her as well. I mean, can you say upgrade? And if she was more attractive, smarter, and was going to make millions of dollars? Heck, that is why cheating always makes so much sense. The grass is always greener on the other side.

** It’s a good thing that fire was put out. What exactly was I going to tell 911? “Uh...there’s a girl on fire right in front of me. She set herself on fire to try and make me love her.” Even I wouldn’t believe that and I was there!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Halloween Horror Story

Actually, the true horror story would be you missing this week’s blog entry. By the end of this post, you will be armed with the most dangerous weapon in the world - information. Unfortunately, people too often go into this holiday not knowing what they should be trying to achieve or trying to avoid. Luckily for you, I have decided those things for everyone. For those of you in relationships, Halloween has a 100% chance of impacting it in some way.* Without further adieu, let’s once again segregate by gender in handing out more tips:


Don’t Touch the Candy!: Your relationship is currently 15 pounds away from ending. On Halloween, guys will throw every single type of candy your way to see if you eat the whole bag. If you eat all of this “free” candy, we’ll be gone faster than you can say “but honey, I wuv you!”** When guys get together around Halloween, we’re all asking each other “did she go for it, man?” Unfortunately, too many women do. Don’t be a victim.

How much should you wear?
: Books have been written about women dressing up for Halloween. They all talk at length about how women dress far too conservatively and wear trench coats out. Seriously, though, match how much skin you show with what your goals are for the evening:
Going out in a bra = down to cuddle! (DTC - if I can say that)
Going out in a sweater that is three sizes too big and sweat pants = 12 cats and loneliness in your future.***
Somewhere in-between is what you’re going for unless you have a specific goal in mind.

What Costume Should You Pick?
: I say irony is the new black. If, like a girl I once dated, you are pure evil and eat the hopes and dreams of small children for breakfast****, go as a Victoria’s Secret Angel or something to that effect. If you are syrupy sweet and you make rainbows appear when you smile, go for something evil. If you have absolutely no personality to speak of, a cat is a good stand-by. Ideally, though, you'll go with my personal favorite costume, Snooki. As an added bonus,***** the likelihood of me dating you goes up by an astonishing 87%.


It’s Good to be a Guy: I don’t have to tell you about the candy rule. Luckily, women don’t like us for our bodies, so feel free to eat as much candy as you possibly can. As long as it doesn’t impact your personality, which women actually care about, go for it. As everyone knows, the dressing up part is for the women while eating 20 pounds of candy is for the guys.

Help Her Help You: Look, we all know women love candy, but we have to help them not eat it. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, hide all of the candy. All of it. Where the candy should be, place salad dressing packets and coupons for bags of salad. If she asks, “Honey muffin, where is all the candy?” You respond, without skipping a beat, “uh, we’re actually giving out salad dressing packets this year. And when we run out of those, we’re giving out slices of bread.” On Halloween, make sure to put out a bowl of candy and she’ll never know.

Costumes?: Admittedly, in this respect, I have absolutely nothing. Subsequent Google searches also came up with nothing. The only out-of-the-box item I can recommend is wearing what you normally wear but throw on a pair of sunglasses and walk around very suspiciously all night. It could work.


The All-Encompassing Halloween Rule: This is perhaps the most important part of Halloween. For one night, in this year’s case since it falls on a Weekday, it will be for one weekend, all relationships are null and void. Seriously. Marriages? Consider it a one-day vacation. Serious relationships? She’ll be there in the morning...probably. If your spouse takes issue with this set in stone rule, shoot them a link to this blog. It will solve everything. Make sure to take advantage of the one night/weekend a year you can do anything.

Happy Halloween!

* It could either make it better, worse, or everything can stay the same. Since people try and either do too much or not enough, Halloween will probably wreak havoc on your relationship. Happy Halloween!

** You’re not really saying that, are you? We’re guys. We don’t need love, affection, or someone who we actually even like. What we really care about is: are you someone we want to cuddle with? If not, you’re a goner, especially after you’ve finished off that bag of M&M’s.
*** It doesn’t actually have to be a lonely future since I am a cat fan and we could date, but then you would be dating me and that arguably isn’t much better than living alone with 20 cats for the rest of your life.

**** That’s not cruel. The truth never hurts. Now, it would be cruel if I told you her name was Lauren. Come on, though, look at what she ate for breakfast each morning! Do you know what she ate for dessert? The feelings of men, most notably yours truly. ‘Nuff said.

***** or something to avoid at all costs. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Facebook Follies a.k.a. Stupid Things You Do On Facebook That Make The Rest of Us Hate You

Look, what I am about to say is not meant to hurt you. As your Facebook friend, I care about you. Not enough to see you in person or, you know, make plans to get together, but I care enough to try to reach out and save you from yourself. All of you. Even me. This post is about things you’re doing on Facebook that you shouldn’t be doing or things you aren’t doing but should highly consider. Don’t think about these suggestions, just do them. I’m probably right. I haven’t been wrong in years.

You’re Too Friendly: Stop that: Look, you have too many friends. You post too many revealing things that too many people see. You have to delete friends and probably block them. Your great grandfather can’t stand looking at pictures of you kissing three guys at once while downing an excessive amount of...shall we say, festively colored liquids.* Heck, I can’t even take it. Poor guy. I sometimes go overboard on this. I block exes, my brother, all family members, Jewish girls who ask when we’re going to get married on the first date, etc. You should do the same.

Don’t Lie to Facebook: Look, if you lie to Facebook, you corrupt the universe. I was a victim of this.** If you lie on Facebook, the rest of us who stalk your Facebook will start spreading rumors and talking about you behind your back based on that information. If you lie on Facebook, then it throws everyone off. If we can’t trust Facebook, then who can we trust?

It’s Complicated? Tell Me About It: Look, I get that your relationship has hit a rough patch, but don’t leave me in the freakin’ dark about it. I’m not close enough to ask you personally, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. I need you to post, as a status, every last detail. Did she cheat on you? Was she not as attractive once you saw her in the light? Did she realize that you’re not actually a 25-year old businessman but actually a movie theater usher?*** If you don’t tell us, then we start fantasizing, and you don’t want us to start putting together the pieces on our own.

You Need a Bikini Picture: Look, women. If you don’t have one, you need one. A picture of you in a shirt that is two sizes too small can be substituted in some cases. All of us guys are sitting around our computers hitting “refresh” waiting for someone to post a bikini shot. When you do, we snap into action with phrases such as “wow, you’re sexy” and “ur liek hott.” When you see that, you’re supposed to think “really? I’m hot?” and then you fall in love with us. If we post on every single bikini picture out there, one of the women out there is bound to fall for us. They have to. There aren’t a lot of great guys out there so most of you eventually are going to have to settle for one of us!****

Go Shirtless: We’re not out of the woods, guys. Women want to see pictures wear we take our shirts off. Trust me, I’m a blogger. This rule does not apply to me, since Mark Zuckerberg preemptively sent me a letter stating that if I take a shirtless picture, then he will shut down my Facebook personally, but it applies to every other guy out there. How will women know how attractive you are unless you show them via Facebook? Exactly. You know every single woman is sitting around waiting to pounce on the first shirtless guy she sees. Be the first guy she sees.

Posting Pictures of Everything Except One Important Person, Yourself: Look, I am guilty of this, but all of us have to stop before it gets any more serious. We sit down and post thousands of pictures of various objects, buildings, and football players, and yet, when someone wants to stalk our collective Facebooks’, they only want to see us. Your ex wants to see how much weight you’ve put on and how ugly you’ve gotten since you two broke up.***** Your Grandmother doesn’t actually want to see you, but she wants to see what you look like. All of your friends who you haven’t seen in years want to see what you’re up to and see if you’re lonely and miserable. Don’t disappoint all of us with millions of pictures of buildings and lakes.

Make Yourself Heard: People are too shy on the internet. No one says what they think. You need to be heard. Why do you hate cabbage? What did you eat for breakfast? Please, tell me every single one of your political views, I am dying to know. Instead, it is all dead air. What happened to opinions? The only one who actually posts the hardcore truth is a woman I shall call Rania. The rest of you are not posting your true feelings.

So, did I nail your Facebook habits? Do you know of anyone who does these things? Perhaps you would like to post what happened when you posted a bikini picture? Let me know in the comments section.

* There is a girl, let’s call her Nicole, who posts the most revealing things you will ever see anywhere. Yet, she has her entire family tree on Facebook. Want to know what the tissue looks like after she sneezes? How about how many guys she “was with” with last Saturday? Maybe you’re curious about her “Lady issues?” You’re in luck! They’re all on Facebook. No need to stop posting those things, just block the rest of us from seeing them.

** There was a girl, let’s call her Kendra, who told me I was her “perfect man.” I went to stalk her Facebook as everyone should be doing and I found out she was “interested in” men. Great! I’m a man. Unfortunately, she was lying on her Facebook. She is a lesbian. I was crushed. Get it? She was being ironic. Her “perfect man” is a woman. Ha...ha...ha... While she should have went on a pity date with me anyway, her real crime was lying on Facebook and telling the world she was interested in men.

***Don’t virtually look at me like that. I can feel you staring right through me across the internet. I am only throwing out one completely innocuous example. This isn’t what I do in my spare time. I am honest about my career. Women love the broom and dust pan combination on a man.       

**** BWA ha ha ha ha!

***** Be warned that this can backfire. My ex, who I will once again refer to as Michelle*, has not only maintained her attractiveness, but she has actually bested me in every single category known to man. It’s a good thing there is no competition between Exes about who is doing better, because if there was, she’d be kicking the crap out of me.

    * Can a footnote have a footnote? You better believe it can. As you may recall from a footnote back in this post, I refer to every single girl I’ve ever dated as “Michelle” because I want to prepare myself to date Michelle Branch when the time presents itself and she realizes I am better than her husband in every measurable way.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Second Date Tips

This is unbelievable. Please don’t tell me you need more help. I have done absolutely everything for you. I gave you the perfect online dating profile, I gave you pick-up lines to use, and then I showed you what to do on the first date. But no, that’s not good enough for you. Seriously, when it comes time for the sexcasion*, are you going to hire me to stand outside of your bedroom door and give you tips?** In any case, for the sake of moving all relationships along, I will present second date tips to help you get to where you want to be in your dating life. Or these could hopelessly misguide you horribly and wreck even the best relationship. You decide. The format will be the same as last time.


Before the Date. You know the 3-day rule? The one that states you must wait three days after dating a girl to call her back? Well, everyone does that. Break free from the pack. Wait 13 to 15 days to call her back. “But won’t she forget about me? I should call her sooner.” Shut up, Rookie. Are you the one with the successful blog*** writing dating tips or am I? Exactly. This will separate you from every other guy she’s dating.

When You Call Her. So you’ve waited two weeks to call her. Great. Now you’ve got to keep acting like you’ve been dating every girl on this side of the Mississippi River in the mean time. Pretend to forget her name at least three times. Every time she corrects you, mention off-hand that you thought she was someone else you were seeing. There you go. That’s subtlety.

The best date idea ever. You already went balls to the wall weeks ago trying to impress her, now is the time to take your foot off the gas pedal and relax a little. Invite her over and cook her a meal**** and watch a movie. Actually cook with her. It’s fun. Just don’t accidentally scare her when she’s using a sharp knife or something. I’m speaking from experience here. It’s funny for the first five seconds, but when she slices a little of her thumb off, well, then it’s not as funny.

A word on this movie. This is where you gauge just how attractive you are. If she sounds like she doesn’t care at all about what you watch, then you’re in great shape. If she has a strong opinion on the movie, well, you’re in more trouble than the guy who just got caught throwing water balloons out of his apartment window at unsuspecting bystanders. I am usually the one with strong opinions about the movie. Back in my younger years before cars had been invented, I always thought the point was to, you know, watch the movie.

If the conversation hits an awkward turn. So she wants to know when you’re going to move out or what religion you are. Maybe how many kids you want or if you’ll marry her next week. Avoid, avoid avoid! You could go right for the restraining order, but a better option is usually to break into spontaneous song and dance. Pretty soon she’s singing and dancing with you and the fact that you have a pet porcupine and named her after your Mother is forgotten.


The Phone Call. You have to understand that we as guys have to pretend like we’re busy when we’re not seeing you. We also have to pretend, for the sake of our egos, that we secretly have 5,000 women who would drop their husbands in a nanosecond to be with us. Thus, we wait three days to call. If a guy calls you before three days, drop him like a water balloon out a window. His ego just isn’t big enough. Maybe he “just wanted to talk to you.” Forget him. You can do better. Tell him you’re moving to a country where phones haven’t been invented yet.

Don’t Go Over To His House. What is this, date three? Go somewhere fun that isn’t hit house. If he suggests his house, quickly suggest something else that you would like to do even if it would make him miserable. Like a trip to Italy. That’s a sensible second date. Did you read the section above this one and now you think I’m trying to create controversy? Fair. Maybe I am. What are you going to do, disobey me and go over to his house alone just to spite me? Be my guest.*****

Remember the 10 foot Rule. There must be ten feet of space between you at all times. Oh, sure, this makes car rides extremely difficult since there isn’t enough space for the both of you to follow this rule. Make it work, though.

Play Hard to Get. If you’re not playing hard to get, you’re easy. Everything about you has to say “you can look, but you can’t touch. Actually, you can’t even look.” Remember when during date one you dressed tastefully, yet attractively? Well, those days are over. It is time to break out the gigantic sweaters and pajama pants. You won’t look good, but he saw you at a time when you did look good. Jackpot.

When awkward conversations come up. So he wants to know why you have a picture of your ex-boyfriend as your profile picture on Facebook or why he’s still texting you every hour on the hour and your ring tone for him is a Maroon 5 song? What you want to do is talk about all of your pairs of shoes out of nowhere. There is an evolutionary thing in a guy’s brain that, whenever a woman talks about her shoes, we imagine grabbing a pie and hitting you in the face with it so we can go back to talking about sports. Shoe conversation will make us forget anything incriminating you were about to say.


This is the most important date of your life. The first date is like the honeymoon stage. Everyone is happy and giggling like school girls. The second date is where the real action happens. Just like the first day of class is the most important day of your life, the second date means everything. What’s decided is who will wear the pants in the relationship. Will it be you or your date wear the pants or maybe someone else? Might I be the one wearing the pants and making all of the decisions in your relationship? Perhaps. I work in mysterious ways. You must be the one proverbially on top in this relationship. If you take command now, you’ll have won control of the relationship. Be tough out there!

* See what I did there? I combined “occasion” and “sex.” Other unnecessary phrases I could have used include “bang it out” and “get it in.” Tell all your friends. The other one I have come up with is “sexcation.” It’s like a staycation, except the only thing relaxing you do is...well, you get the point.

** For the record, please do not hire me to do this, no amount of money is enough. Actually, what am I saying? I can be bribed if the dollar amount is high enough. Wait a minute, no no no, I will not do this and please do not inquire. I might have a sex post, though, so you might be out of the woods for free.       

*** Successful blog is defined as having five or more readers. Hello to all five of you! How’s it going?

**** What do you freakin’ mean you don’t know how to cook? Ugh. Fine. Buy some restaurant food, pick it up, and then put it on paper plates messily so it looks like you could have made it. Actually cooking the food with her is supposed to be the experience, but clearly you were born to screw up absolutely everything.

***** You’re welcome, guys. She never would have gone had you simply suggested it, but now that I’ve told every woman that she shouldn’t go over to your house, well, now she definitely will. Reverse psychology at its finest.