Monday, December 1, 2014

Life in the South as a Jew

Let me tell you something, life in the south as a Jew is rough. Every day truly could be your last. I believe this so much that I upped my life insurance after spending about a month down here and I warned the insurance company that they might be paying that out relatively soon. At first, they laughed, but then I told them I was a Jew living in the south and they ceased their laughing immediately and began telling me how sorry they were. Even my insurance company is taking pity on me. I have truly reached a new low.

You may be asking yourself “Josh, why do you feel this way?” On my way to work, I count six Churches, one Scientology Church, four Biblical billboards, even an embassy for a country that doesn’t even exist and they have a cross, and even the beggars, when you give them money, will pray. Oh, and then there’s the freakin’ gigantic Holy Cross that welcomes everyone to this part of the state. How big is it? From the look of it from afar, it looks bigger than the Sears Tower.* Now I know what they will string me up to if they were ever to find out my secret. And no, I have not told anyone that I am a Jew. 

I don't think this is excessive at all. It's awesome, actually. Effingham, Illinois

My dad even advised me to keep my mouth shut about my religion., and he is the person whose conversations usually go like this:
“Hey, how’s the weather?” Asks the other person. My dad will respond with “Great in Israel, nice to meet you, I am Jewish.” Seriously, everyone knows he’s a Jew. I think he even took out an ad on Craigslist once telling the world of his religion and to make sure to invite him over for Passover and Chanukah if there is any extra matzoh, horseradish and gefilte fish.**

I don’t mean to state that the people of the south don’t like my people, and when I say “my people,” I mean those of us who are Jewish when it is convenient for us but will abandon our religion like college kids at a party that’s getting busted. I am just saying I don’t think they’ve met a nice Jew, or any Jew at all. When people in the north see me and my big nose, dark hair, and the cobwebs that have overtaken my wallet because I refuse to spend a dollar on anything, they immediately scream “Jew!” Not here. I’m pretty sure they all think I go to Church every Sunday and I kiss the Bible before I go to sleep and paint a portrait of Jesus once a week, because that’s what non-Jews do, right?*** 

So what have I done? I have done everything I can to hide my true religious identity. I have told people I have conversations with Jesus, I have recited Bible verses that I got from Google and Wikipedia, told them I have tons of experience buying Christmas trees and I know what a Mistletoe**** is. When someone mentioned the Jewish new year, I responded “ha, weird that those people have a crazy New Year that doesn’t match up with ours, they really need to get in line with the rest of us.” I don’t tell them that what I really do at Christmas is cry because everyone else is having the time of their lives and I’m at home trapped in Wikipedia for hours because it is so addicting. Am I overcompensating? Of course I am! What else can I do?

Is he cheating? Seriously, someone tell me, I have no idea.  But man, that does look like fun., if not a little inappropriate.
So, if for whatever reason I stop responding to comments on 6 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants to Get In Your Pants, be suspicious, be very suspicious, because it might just mean they found out my secret and got to me. Wish me luck,

*Ahem, excuse me, did I say that? I meant the Willis Tower.

** Those last two, by the way, absolutely disgusting. I would strongly consider making out with a girl who had just smoked a pack of cigarettes as opposed to eating either horseradish or gefilte fish. Ick. Ugh. Disgusting. Did I mention those are both awful tasting foods? Good. 

*** Seriously, please tell me, because I have no idea what you people do.

****Please, someone explain the point of the mistletoe to me. Non-Jews get together, stand under the mistletoe, and make out with each other? Are you people that promiscuous? Notice how there is no Jewish equivalent where people make out under the Menorah.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Rock Concerts Are Scary

What is it about rock* shows that gathers up seemingly every single woman in the world who could realistically beat me up? Seriously, it’s as if the advertisement for the concert always says “can you kick the crap out of a 5"9 Jew? Great! Then we want you! Dress up in all black clothes and meet us there at 8:00!” Anyway, I must point out some other strange goings on at rock concerts that keep me up at night:


What is it about rock concerts that makes everyone think it’s a nude beach? Seriously. There are sweaty men without shirts and pants walking around looking touch and disoriented. What exactly happened to their clothes? Who is holding them?
And then there are the women. Women, why at these rock concerts are you all essentially wearing bras and short shorts? I get it, it’s hot, but come on, at least wear a legitimate shirt. And no, tank tops don’t count. I have one theory as to where all of the clothes go...

Stuff Flying Around Wildly

If it’s a rock concert, you know stuff is going to be flying around. Shoes might hit you. An alcoholic beverage could be dumped on your head. Heck, the bands themselves are not immune to this. I have seen band members hit with projectiles more than once. Although some take it better than others:

Never Fear! The Vampires Are Here!

Kristen Stewart does seem like the rocker girl-type. Apparently, the girls who show up to rock concerts have taken note from the Twilight star. Everywhere you turn, it’s as if guys, likely close to naked, are sinking their teeth into their girlfriends. What is going on here? And why have I seen more necking, biting, and groping at a rock concert than I would at a high school dance? Is this not America? Something is clearly wrong. Keep your kinky foreplay to yourself. Some of us have virgin eyes.

Other Shenanigans

Crowd surfing. Now there’s a good idea. Let’s grab a girl, and throw her on top of a bunch of people and hope her face doesn’t hit the floor. Hopefully her wallet, shoes, and clothes come back with her and haven’t been stolen by a clepto crowd.
Flashing is another genius move. A bunch of drunk girls running around and baring all to everyone. It's as if they think we've never seen a boob before. What is this, a slumber party?** Are we going to play truth or dare or “Never Have I Ever” after the show is over?
The Incredible Screaming Chick is another annoyance. Every rock concert has that one girl who screams every three seconds. No one knows why. Maybe her boyfriend is sinking his teeth into her too aggressively?

So there you have it. A variety of unexplainable phenomena that occur at rock concerts. I’m sure there is some explanation for why these things occur, but heck if I know. And if you hated this post, please don’t throw a rock at the back of my head. I have feelings.

* In this case, I mean “rock show” as in rock music, not a display of all your Dad’s old pet rocks or rare rocks.

** Uh...not that I would know what happens at a slumber party. But I have read a magazine or two. Do pillow fights actually happen?

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Holding Grudges

For those of you “in the know,” you can imagine how difficult this last post is to write. I had a myriad of topic ideas and, inevitably, I rejected all of them. Luckily, late last night, someone chimed in with a good idea. Today, we will be talking about holding grudges and why it’s a great idea to stay angry at everyone who has ever wronged you. Let’s begin:

Look, if you can remember why you’re still angry at all of the people you’re pissed at, you’re doing it wrong. Maintaining a certain level of anger in life is important. Do you really want to be like all of those happy go-lucky people who are always skipping to wherever they need to go or smiling and laughing all the time? Of course you don’t. Those people are annoying.

I, for one, can remember most of the people who have wronged me even from an early age. When I was three years old, there was a curly-haired girl named Molly who I went to pre-school with. All I wanted to do was go on the swings with her, but no, Molly wanted to play tag. Actually, it may have been hide and go seek, because she obviously didn’t want to be found. I sat at the bench next to the slide in sadness. When I was five, I was the butt of a cruel April Fool’s joke. This kid pretended to be someone else for 15 minutes while we were playing at the park. I never saw either of them again.*

What is the biggest reason to hold a grudge against someone? That’s easy. When they delete you off of Facebook. It is the biggest slap in the face. I would rather these people key my car and shave all the hair off my mom instead of deleting me off of Facebook. Slap me repeatedly with a giant dolphin or something, but don’t defriend me on Facebook.
This means war. How could someone really unfriend any of us? We're awesome.

If you know someone has defriended you on Facebook, then the next time you see them, you have every right to completely ignore them even if they say something to you. Obviously they don’t care what you have to say, otherwise they would still be friends with you on Facebook and read your extremely witty status updates about how you have a pregnant squirrel eating through the roof of your house. All you can do is look at them in the eye, shake your head, and walk away. If they ask why you’re pissed, tell them “look, puffy pants, I know we’re not Facebook friends anymore. So go jump on a broken trampoline.” That should get your point across.

Need a strategy to get back at someone who has wronged you? When you see them, make sure to scream "YOUR BOYFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU!!!!!" at the top of your lungs. If you are screaming at a guy, so much the better.

Either someone unfriended her, or her boyfriend just posted pictures of himself with a girl in a bikini.

* Parents, these anecdotes are perfectly good reasons why it’s a horrible idea to take your kids to the park. Nothing good happens at the park. Keep them home and have them watch TV instead.

Thanks to Nat for the idea.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

4 Things Men Wish Women Knew

Let’s do this. Women, we men keep a ton of secrets from you. A ton. We would love for you to figure out what those are so you can be better girlfriends and wives, but we can’t just tell you. What kind of sense would that make? However, here at Angry Rose Bushes, my goal is to make you into The Perfect Woman (I see you all agree, since that post is, by far, ARB’s most popular). So what do we as guys wish you knew? Well, I could be here all day or I could give you four insights into the male mind:

1. Being Motherly is Hot

You know that nagging urge you have to go “aww, that’s so cuuuuute!,” head over to the toy section at the store, and talk in a baby voice? Embrace it. Men secretly love it. Why? Subconsciously, we know motherhood is a feminine attribute. We’re guys, thus, we tend to love women and femininity. Additionally, if you’re showing that you can be a great mom by being great with kids, friendly to animals, and caring and kind-hearted in general, well, you’re well on your way to a guy wanting either a long-term relationship with you or to present you with a wedding ring. Guys tend to determine within a couple of minutes whether a girl is in the slut pile or marriage material. How many motherly women do you think land in the slut pile? Exactly.
Google says these two are related. Hopefully they are mother and kid, to illustrate my point. If not, well...never mind.
2. We Want to Feel Needed

We pretend to be tough as nails on the outside, but in reality, we’re soft as marshmallows and/or a stuffed teddy bear on the inside...usually. The more independent you are, the less we feel like you need us in your life. Thus, make sure your man knows he helps you out and life is easier and better with him. We want you to validate the job we’re doing with compliments and gestures. Physical intimacy, including when you cuddle closer to us for support, counts.
Awww. Look how legitimately happy they look!
3. We Think You’re Attractive

Go figure, huh? Accept it. If we’re with you, we like you and think you’ve got yourself together. Feel free to act like it. No need to ask if all of these random girls are pretty or wonder if we actually want to be with you or not. If we didn’t, we’d be with someone else. You can walk with a swagger if you want.

4. We Want to Be With You Way Too Much And Show You Off to Everyone

We want to spend tons of time with you. And when I say that, I mean if there are seven days in a week, spending five with you, the girlfriend, is not excessive, especially from the get go. Unfortunately, we know that’s desperate and we’re supposed to be playing hard to get and mysterious, so we don’t see you as often as we’d like. Not only do we want to see you nonstop, but if you’re really that awesome, we want to show you off to everyone we know. Friends, our families, people at parties, etc. This is especially true at the beginning, but as the relationship matures, we still love telling people that you are our girlfriend and introducing you as such.
Can you figure out which one he's dating? My money is on the brunette.
Inadvertently, I may have shed some light on red flags for women. If you see your guy doing the opposite of some of these, run awayyyyyyy! In any case, you know what that means. It’s time to be motherly, make your guy feel appreciated, gain some confidence knowing he cares about you and thinks you’re hot, and know that he wants to see you constantly. Good luck!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What Guys Don't Want in a Woman

Women, you have it rough. It seems as if everyday, the media is blasting you guys with what guys supposedly want. I have either some great news or horrible news*, the media has no freakin’ clue what guys want in a woman. Speaking as a guy, we would love for all of you women out there to stop focusing on becoming these things and actually be what we really want. Let’s break down a few of these myths that the world has given to women about what men want:

1. The Blonde Barbie Doll

Every single commercial and a wide variety of shows and movies have that Blonde Barbie doll character. You know who I mean. She’s essentially a real-life Barbie doll. Blonde, thin, tall with long legs, and she has bigger boobs than she should have. Newsflash: Most guys don’t want this girl. How do I know? First, I am a guy, and I have absolutely no interest in such a girl. Next, I have polled guys throughout the years and most of us don’t want a tall blonde who looks like Barbie. Yet, I hear from countless women how “beautiful” those Barbies are. My question: to who? Wonder why Ken is married to Barbie? I can’t imagine many other guys wanted her. So she is stuck with a man more feminine than her.**

I don't know about you, but "real-life" Barbie doll looks really, really scary to me. If we met in an alley, I would give her all of my money and run.

2. The Rail-Thin Woman
Keira Knightley would be just fine putting on 10-20 pounds.

Why does it seem like every woman on television and/or the movies weighs less than 110 lbs? All of these women are incredibly thin. I feel like if I hug some of these women, they’ll break in my arms from fragility. Most guys appreciate a curvier woman. Your figure shouldn’t be a rail-esque. The irony is, most of these women who go on crash diets are not only torpedoing their health, they’re also making themselves less attractive to men! Freakin’ media.

3. Young and Dumb

She is really awesome. Seriously.

Let’s talk Jersey Shore. It was awesome while it lasted, right? But man, were some of the women, including my secret crush Snooki, dumb. When they went to Italy, she thought she needed Pesos*** to buy stuff. She then proceeded to crash into a police car. It’s like all women have to be dumb to get a guy on television these days. In truth, if all you’re going for is a bed buddy, then hey, pretend to be as dumb as Snooki...but not Deena. If you want a guy who respects you and wants a relationship, intelligence and knowledge is hot. Seriously. When women “dumb themselves down” or do that annoying laugh at a guy’s bad jokes, it’s actually working against them.

4. Accessories and Clothes

At the Oscar’s, everyone always asks about the dresses. Guys couldn’t care less. We see women with fancy purses, clothes, manicures, and pedicures, and once again, guys couldn’t care less. When you chip a nail, we’ll never know. We don’t care. You do all of that stuff to impress your girl friends. Want to guess what guys think of all these fancy mascaras, eyeliners, and all other make-up? Right! We don’t care at all. If your goal is to make Stacy from your biology class jealous, then go for all of these extras, if it’s to get a guy, then your efforts are being wasted.
I don't know whether this a good or bad manicure. All I know is, I don't freakin' care.

So, guys and girls, what did I get right and what did get wrong or forget to add?

* It’s great if you haven’t fallen prey to what the media says we want, and it’s horrible if you have and if you’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours attempting to become that kind of woman. In all likelihood, I imagine what follows is good news for most of you.

** Unnecessarily harsh? Sure. This is not to say some guys don’t want Barbie. Some do. The grand majority don’t. It’s not a cruel joke on behalf of the universe that the majority of girls aren’t Blonde Barbie Dolls. The universe knew what it was doing by putting a bunch of different women out there that guys are actually interested in. It’s the media that doesn’t have a clue.

*** Did she think she was in Mexico or South America? She actually needed Euros...and a new boyfriend, but neither ever happened...sadly.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Worst Mistake a Girl Can Make to Destroy Her Attractiveness

Why? Why, women, do you do this? You could have any guy in the world you want, you’re incredibly attractive, and then you go out and do this. You go out and get all of your hair cut off. It’s horrible and it’s spreading like an epidemic. It’s a Haircatastrophe, if I can say that, a.k.a. Hairpocalypse 2013. If this continues, it will truly be the end of the world because there will not be any attractive women left! The Mayans did not prepare us for this. Stop the MADNESS! Ban scissors now. What am I talking about? Well let’s dive in to the tragedy that has unfolded:

Emma Watson

Short Hair. Eeeep!
Long hair, yay! And classy, too.

Emma, all of these problems are your fault. You had the world at your fingertips. You were Hermione in Harry FREAKING Potter. You had money, fame, and all that came with it. Unfortunately, one day you took that ill-fated and life-changing trip to the barber and now you look like my 50-year old Aunt or my brother, I’m not sure which. Your greatest legacy, unfortunately, is telling other women through your actions that this is okay to do. It’s not.

Anne Hathaway

Long-haired Anne, incredibly attractive. Makes me want to watch The Princess Diaries again.

Short hair. Once again, Nooooooo!!!

I hope that Academy Award was worth it, because it’ll take you at least a year or more to regain your attractiveness. Secretly, I have long had a crush on Anne Hathaway. As a kid, I admit that I watched The Princess Diaries 1 and 2, and Ella Enchanted, just to see her. If she was in it, I was buying that DVD. Not anymore. The true tragedy in Les Misérables was Anne cutting her hair. I feel so bad for myself and her husband. I may or may not have cried like a baby after hearing and seeing her new doo.

Charlize Theron


A latecomer to the show, but noteworthy nonetheless. Charlize Theron was once so attractive that women were swooning over her. Seriously. Ask anyone who has watched Snow White and The Huntsman* or any of her other big movies. She was hot. Unfortunately, it was not to last. Charlize recently decided to follow in the footsteps of some other actresses and cut her hair. “What can go wrong?” She probably thought. “Now I won’t have to work so hard to maintain it,” she likely heard. Charlize, you had a good run.

2014 UPDATE:

So, I was right and this trend now continues over a year and a half since this was first posted. Here are another couple of examples of women who have joined the club and cut their hair:

Jennifer Lawrence

Much ink has been spilled talking about Jennifer Lawrence's naked pictures that were leaked. Horny teenage boys and men in unsatisfying marriages have spent hours Googling to find those pictures. And no, I have not seen them and I don't plan on looking for them. In any case, this should have been the real story: her haircut. I have heard the story that she wanted to cut it right after The Hunger Games series ended, but still. She should have resisted the urge. It's disappointing, because she seems like a great person with a great personality. Someone who all of us would like to be friends with. I hope she gets through this naked pictures hacking escapade with no emotional damage.

Shailene Woodley

Yes, I like this picture.

Six months ago, she would have been unknown to most of you. She wasn't to me. As someone who may or may not have watched the entire first season of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I noticed when her hair disappeared. After starring in The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, pretty much everyone knows of her now. As a new celebrity, what's the first thing you're supposed to do? To the hair salon! Obviously. Grrs.

Miley Cyrus

In fairness, it was not just the hair that changed here. More like Miley found drugs and she went down a very dark path. While I never thought she was attractive, well, I definitely don't think she's more attractive now. Does anyone?

Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting

I didn't honestly know how much hair mattered until I saw the difference pre and post-hair cut for Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting. Oh, I still love Big Bang Theory, but now I don't think Penny is attractive. Sadness. I guess there's always Emily. This epidemic of short haircuts is kind of starting to scare me, though.

Now that you have read these cautionary tales, please pass the word along about Hairpocalypse 2013. Women, if you’re reading this, make sure to stay far away from scissors, hair razors, or anything in the scissors family. Your hotness depends on it.

* Actually, even with her haircut, she still is way more attractive than Kristen Stewart, but that isn’t saying very much. Seriously, why do both of the characters in Twilight want her so much? She’s not that great. They can do much better.

Related Posts:
6 Signs Your Guy Friend is Trying to Get In Your Pants
The Other Aspect of Life a Woman MUST Get Right!
Where Hermione First Appears in a Harry Potter Post

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How Did You Get Here? Heck, How did ANY of us Get Here?

People Google some crazy things. Seriously. Everything from asking why your dog can’t drive a car to why you can’t tickle yourself properly is fair game. Below are some of the more ridiculous and troubling examples of what people have Google searched to get to ARB with commentary:

How to Get a Guy Into Your Pants - Uh...perhaps unzipping them and letting him try them on? I’m guessing the Googler meant that she wants to tell a boy she wants sex. Part of me hopes I answered her question with this post, but another part hopes she is saving herself for marriage.    
Why Do I Like Naked Girls and I am Ten - Holy crap! Where are this kid’s parents? When I was ten, I didn’t even know what a girl was. Learn to Cuddle first, man!

Naked Ladies Trying to Kill Me
- The person who Googled this apparently thought to jump on his computer before calling the police. He landed here, but I am worried because he never Googled again, so the naked ladies might have killed him. Although maybe if he were sexier, they would have fallen in love with him instead?

If a Boy Asks You to Buy a Rose for Him - My advice? Dump him! What’s his problem? Can’t he buy his own freakin’ rose? Does he think he’s the girl?

Nude Rose Pictures from MTV Catfish - Many iterations of this in recent weeks landing people here. My question: why do you want to see naked pictures of her? Seriously. She’s not that great.

Signs My Guy Friend is Into Me - Hint: If you have to Google it, he's into you.

"Meteor Will Strike You" - Was this legitimately a concern for someone? In any case, he actually survived The End of the World and then Googled that’s a problem.

Signs Your Guy Friend Wants Your Body and Not You - There are many signs, but if you catch a guy drooling or ogling you incessantly, assume he’s not sticking around for the conversation.

Signs He Wants in Your Pants
- Is he making repeated sexual references and/or are you wearing extremely revealing clothing?       

What It Means If a Guy Wants to Get in Your Pants
- It means he wants to have sex with you. Now if he wants to get into your panties, THEN you have a dilemma...or a potentially fun sexual fantasy? You decide!

Is Giving a Rose to Someone Cheating - Of course it is. So is giving someone a cupcake, a cookie, or any kind of card. A hug is perfectly acceptable, though. However, if you hold the hug for longer than 4 seconds, you’re still a dirty, rotten, cheater.

"Tickle Me" Ticklish Tickled Tattoos - I have no comment nor words to describe how or why this person got to ARB nor why they were searching for this.

Did anyone else pick up on the pattern? It appears as if every girl out there either wants a guy to get into her pants, or is currently dealing with a guy friend who is attempting such a feat. Sounds like it sucks to be a girl.

No, I have no idea what this picture has to do with this post, either.